BTS Reacts @btsbangtanreacts - Tumblr Blog

It's my 6 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

fin...

I have made posts eluding to this before I know, and I know people have expressed their concern. I haven't been active on here for a very long time and deleted most of my old stuff. I can't do this anymore. I made the decision a long time ago even though the date may have changed. Life prevented certain choices and guilt made me stay. Through many conversations with people I have come to understand my place in the world and it is no longer a place I wish to hold. I have spent too long being a burden and a cause of pain for others. I always figured if I could just cope they would be okay. The reality is I will never cope the way they need to me. I will never be capable of being the person they need me to be. My whole life I have been told what a problem I am, what a manipulative, loud, demanding person I am. That I am inconsiderate of others feelings, that I want everything to be about me, and that I make everyone miserable. More than anything I just want the people I love to know I love them and I never, ever, meant for them to be hurt by my existence. I have thought of every way to problem solve this. I have been through therapy, I've been medicated, I self medicated to force myself to sleep 20 hours a day for months on end, I suffered silently. I have thought of committing myself to a ward, of finding a job in a new city and just disappearing, of leaving the house one day and never coming back. Ultimately it feels like this isn't a circle going around and around with no end - it's a spiral that spins slowly at first, then faster and faster until it's nothing but darkness.

I fought forever trying to outrun the spiral but I have never been fast enough. I am okay with going to the darkness now. If at any point this is discovered by my family I want you to know I have never stopped trying. I have never once hated you. I have never once wanted you to suffer because of me and I'm sorry that you have.

I have made this choice because it's what I need for me now and I'm sorry that it's selfish. I am not doing it out of spite or hate. I know you will blame me and say I have made this about me and maybe it is about me but it's not to hurt you. It's because I can't stop this hurt myself anymore. I'm tired and have nothing left to give. I know you love me. I know you won't be okay with this. But please try to let go of this and get your life back quickly. Be good.

This is the end.

btsbangtanreacts

Rest well Binnie 💜

#astro moonbin #astro aroha #astro

Rest well Binnie 💜

#moonbin #astro #aroha #astro aroha

perfectfeelings

btsbangtanreacts

I know this is silly but I feel like a burden. I know I’m not because people love me. But I feel like I make them tired. I feel like an obligation. I feel like they walk on eggshells to not upset me. I feel like a chore or another thing on their list for the day - just keep me satisfied enough so they don’t feel guilty. I don’t like burdening people that way so I stay quiet and understanding which maybe only makes that burden worse. Maybe my not talking makes them feel like they have to make me feel wanted by throwing me a bone every now and then. If I talk to make them think I’m okay they seem burdened to tolerate me. When I don’t talk and give them space they seem burdened to say something so it doesn’t look like I’ve been cast aside. I’m okay with being cast aside, I just don’t want to be a drain on someones life. I keep everything inside and make jokes and pretend to be relaxed so no one else has to feel the weight I do because I don’t want to be a burden or an obligation. I’ve never been the person people seek out and I’m okay with that because I’m used to it. I’ve never been the person with a lot of friends or with friends that stay very long. I’m not the person that has deep meaningful connections with people. I’m the place holder. I’m the person people use to fill the gap of time or relationships in their life until they get better offers or something more interesting. I’m okay with it. I just wish they'd be happy instead of burdened by me until they eventually fade out of my life and move on with theirs. I can cope with lonely because I always have been. I can cope with not talking about my struggles because I try not to normally. The hardest part is feeling tolerated until their guilt goes away and they can leave the burden behind them. I’d rather always be alone than make someone feel obligated like that. The guilt of being added weight to someone else's life, especially if they already have struggles, is what sinks me. Even saying this in a place no one sees it makes me feel like an attention seeker and so incredibly guilty that I can’t breathe.

#sinking