Love. Shadows. Enlightenment.
What it's like to move on while still loving someone with all your heart. It's like going through a wind whirl of emotions and finally coming to a stop where all there is left is just this peaceful feeling. It's like when you think of them you don't feel that ache deep inside. Instead, you feel this deep love and appreciation for that person. Appreciating every memory you created together because each moment taught you something and helped you grow to where you are now.
So today I woke up very early and did something way out of character for me. I actually got up and out of bed once I woke up... I mean not right away, it took me a few minutes but I did it. I didn't realize it then but right now as I'm reflecting on that moment, I've realized it's the new version of me. It's what I've worked so hard for. To be that person who wakes up early and goes about their day and is just living their life for the sake of living and not going through the motions like I was before. I'm filled with so much clarity it's kind of unreal. I'm living what I didn't realize I was always manifesting. Today, was the first day that I actually felt like I didn't waste my day away by not doing anything.
It's hard though. When you're in that mindset you're already so low that realizing you're just wasting your days being stuck in that funk really adds to the depression. That's where I was, in this limbo of depression and a functioning autopilot where it was just enough to get me through the week and gave me just enough energy to socialize before I retreated to being stuck in my head.
Today after I got ready. I went and got myself coffee and took a walk at one of my favorite beaches. The whole time I was thinking of them. This time it was different. The love for them is still there but I'm not dwelling on the pain. I've let that pain go and only kept what made me happy and that was love. When I think of them, I don't feel sad anymore. Where that sadness and pain used to live there's a peaceful feeling. It's like when you have a headache and then finally the Advil kicks in and you feel so great. You still remember it but you don't feel it. That's where the beauty lies. That's what it's like to love someone while you're moving on. That's what I felt today while I walked on the beach admiring its beauty. It was low tide. It's my favorite because you can see a glimpse of what the ocean hides deep inside and it's so beautiful.
Right before I started writing I wasn't sure what I was going to write about, so I shuffled my music and the song 'Word's I Couldn't Say' by Leighton Meester. All of a sudden I knew this is what I need to write. I don't know why but it felt right. If I were to have listened to this song a few months ago, I probably would have started to cry because it would remind me of them and the pain I felt. Today, it hit me differently. I actually felt the words at a deeper level. I felt it with the feeling of love I'm carrying inside for them with acceptance of letting things be what they are and not living it what it could have been or could be. I felt every word because it's exactly what I am feeling right now. So "what do I do now that you're gone?/ no backup plan/no second chance/ no one else to blame"
You move on because you realized where you also went wrong and realize you could have found a way to say what you really felt but you were so afraid of being vulnerable that you choked and now you're dealing with the outcome. So we learn not to repeat that lesson because it was a painful lesson to be learned. Why? because sometimes the lesson is more painful than the rejection you could have felt instead. With a rejection that is it, there is no more, but with a lesson, you don't always get that closure. It's like when the author leaves an open-ended ending to a story and it drives you crazy not knowing how it would have ended. So I leave it at 'if it's meant to be it'll be". If a connection that deep, that once scared me away, were to present itself a second time in my life I won't let it go. Our love never really grew, we didn't leave it in a bad way, we just let it fizzle and ran away from what we really felt because we hadn't before. Real love is a funny thing. I always asked for it and then when I think had it I didn't realize it and ran from it. All I can say is that the next time I feel that again I'm running straight toward it and not letting go.
