Sometimes i wonder what this app was made for.

Looks like I post now. Uh. How about that. (Mostly analysis, memes and everything in between about Solops and KCD)

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in Yiddish you mean? XD

Oh that’s what it’s called. Yah my bad 🫠 I’ll correct it !

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Henry, carrying Sam over his shoulder, after getting rid off his Prague soldier armor in a bush, heading for the stables, muttering : Alright, just a bit further. Hear that, brother ? We’re almost out of here, both of us, and everything will-

Haughty, drunk voice from Suchdol’s walls : PRAGUEEEEERS !! HEEEEEYYYY ! Haha, hey, Henry !! Run the Margrave through while you’re there !!

Sam, half conscious : murmurs a curse and a prayer in yiddish

Henry, seething, filled with perfectly mixed love and frustration at Hans’ voice : Fucking amen to that.

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Reading the Day 7 of Ars Amandi right now (an adorable bunch of KCD stories about Hansry tip toeing in their relationship and discovering each other in this new way) and had a thought. Henry is extremely eager to show his care with those he loves (with Bianca, Theresa, Mutt, Pebbles) and it would definitely be the same with Hans. And he grew up as a villager, so being tactile is absolutely natural to him, unlike for a raised noble. So I realize that Henry, at the beginning of their relationship (maybe a few days after Suchdol when they are on a hunt), probably looked at Hans for a moment, thinking… then raised a hand to him. Which made Hans flinch, because he probably got abused daily for acting like a brat during his youth and trainings. Then Henry landed his hand carefully on his cheek, and smiled. Maybe teased him or said something sweet, then removed his hand gently. And Hans’s brain froze for a good five seconds because, oh, that’s what it feels like to be loved.

Anyway, random thought over. Back to reading

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I like how Henry is canonically used to being pretty reluctant to say who he really is - a noble, and an important one with that. After all, he’s technically not a full one in the rules. And many times, he gets out of situations with his silver tongue, threats or trickery like a goblin. Using the "I’m a noble" card isn’t something he’s used to do, either, and most of the time it’s better for him to just be Henry, especially when he’s sneaking around where he shouldn’t.

That being said. I absolutely LOVE when Henry pulls that card.

Because the best part about it is that he doesn’t have to. He always has other options to get out of trouble. Unlike Hans for instance who has 0 speech and can only be taken seriously with rich clothes and a title - even if that doesn’t work much for him either sometimes. No no, Henry tells his real identity when he’s tired of your shit. It’s not often, but sometimes he just wants people to respect him for what he’s doing. He spends most of his time deep in shit helping others, more times literally than is decent. He deserves the right to puff up his feathers, too. Some attitude he definitely picked up from Capon.

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Fighting enemies with Mutt is mentally exhausting. I have to be careful who I shoot any arrow at, because the idiot will immediately run in the guy’s direction to rip him a new one. And if I don’t call him back, he’ll lunge at the enemy until he gets badly hurt. Without even needing me to say anything, that beast glares at every potential threat and jumps between me and them recklessly !! And I always need to keep a close eye on him, otherwise he’ll get hit by maces or slashed until he’s at death’s door ! Honestly, during a confrontation, I fight more for my loyal hound and his self sacrificing nature than myself.

… and I realize that’s precisely how Hans feels about fighting by Henry’s side.

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KCD2 female romances : look at these cool women who are strong, independent, attractive, cunning and so much smarter than your character could ever be ! Sure, they have SOME flaws, but who cares ? Their extraordinary personalities outweigh them all, as it should be ! Also, they will not hesitate to bring you down and belittle you any chance they get - you know, cause they’re so cheeky and clever ! Check out all the flirting options we have designed just for them ! Aren’t you swooning yet ?

KCD2 male romance : look at this loser you’ve known since day 1, who’s shown incredible growth throughout both games and very obviously cares about your character more than anyone else. Also, your character will, no matter what you choose, always risk his life to save this guy over and over with nothing but a dark hood and a dagger and without any regard for his own safety whatsoever as long as this character is in danger. Oh, and that character only insults you as gentle tease, or tears you a new one because he himself is at the bottom of the despair barrel after losing everything. And your character reciprocates the jugements in kind, and after some humble pie, that lovely loser never again acts like he’s objectively better than you. In fact, he’s the only one who treats your character genuinely as his friend without wanting to use your skills to solve his personal problems. At last, once you’re all about to meet your doom, if you’ve shown and said that you care about him deeply, he will literally tell you that he will die of broken heart syndrome if your character falls.

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Missed opportunity to have Hans teach Henry how to play chess with HCs such as :

- Henry would constantly call the knights "horses" and would defend himself with "but it’s a horse !" when Hans would correct him. He’d also say stuff like "then I’ll move this Pebbles over there", making Hans seethe with the urge to correct his stubborn ox.

- Henry’s first instinct like every kid playing for their first game would be to bet everything on making a new queen, and sacrificing (from inattention) every other piece as he tries desperately to push a pawn at the end of the enemy camp. In vain.

- Thanks to Fortuna, during every game, Hans would somehow always find ways to use exceptional moves like en passant and Henry would lose his mind every time "What the fuck is unpeasant ??"

- At first, Henry would lose every game with Hans at chess and win every time at dice. So naturally, chess’d become all his lordship would want to play anymore. Therefore Henry would turn to Godwin to learn. And H-boy learns well and fast. Within a week, he’d beat his bf, who would EXPLODE in a myriad of angry, incredulous and praising insults.

- The more they play, the better Henry would get - especially with Godwin’s training. When Henry was still a noob, Hans would spin knightly stories and fancy words, using 0 brain power, proud as a peacock about his upcoming wins. After Henry gets good, Hans stops talking more and more to lock in. So Henry fills the void by telling anecdotes about his family and stuff he’s read in skill books. Hans would (lovingly) tell him to shut the fuck up so he can focus on winning.

- If played when drunk, no matter his skill level, Henry would be more focused on teasing, joking, flirting. Not Hans. Anywhere on the sober/hammered spectrum, all his focus would be on winning the game. Like, Henry surpasses him in sword fighting, talking, actually being able to act like a Bellatores without restrictions - and Hans will NOT let him take chess away from his knightly skills as well. When Henry would understand that eventually, he’d stop focusing on the game for good and let Hans win. It’d put his lord in a better mood for after the game anyway ;)

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After hearing about Istvan’s death, Erik really had a full mental break, slaughtered a dog and swore to rip out Henry’s heart in front of everyone. And all Otto told Markvart as an explanation was "Istvan Toth was like a father to him" and that was that. Even though everyone could guess it’s a blatant lie. Otto, who’s extremely calculating and perceptive, that’s how he became so powerful, at least had definitely known for some time about Isterik but didn’t seem to care. As long as Istvan did his work well, he could wrong God in any way (btw Otto, just like Toth, couldn’t care less about religion, since he was literally suggesting them to kill the Italian legate and his escorte). Which is actually very encouraging for Hansry. I wouldn’t put aside a future where everyone knows that there’s something between them - at least everyone important, Bernard, Hanush, Radzig, even Jitka - but they just don’t poke their nose in their business. As long as Hans and Henry are doing their jobs efficiently as lord and bodyguard, why care ? Everything is duty and politics. If they like each other’s company, as long as they keep it hush hush, they can keep going for as long as they want.

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The scene when you interrogate a prisoner with Hans is probably one of my favorite in the second game. Imagine you’re this guy. Your goal there is to survive (at least for some time) and cover Zizka. A young lord and his servant arrive. The noble starts the interrogation but it’s obvious he’s very green. Then his servant takes over. Whatever, you’re not breaking. Now, the noble informs you that his servant is a blacksmith’s son and knows how to use torture tools. You don’t care, you’ve been through worse - and besides, the young lord hesitating over his words makes it clear it’s all just for show.

The young lord is pretty agressive, in his words at least. He must really want your confession. Cute. His servant is quieter. Thoughtful. He asks the questions, not his lord. When you answer the squire, his lord mostly gets angry and tells you to shut up. The servant keeps going. He stares at you, eerily calm. It’s like he already knows everything about you and your band. And he does, in fact. He knows about Nebakov, your Captain. He’s like a machine - efficient without wasting his breath as he grabs another tool. A young man like this, a servant - has he done this before ? Why does he look strangely numb to this ? You’re so shaken up you even rat out Semine. Then he suddenly asks about that weirdo - Istvan Toth. The squire is convincing - terrifying - enough… sure, you admit. You know him. And as you answer, the squire steps back to grab the tongs, then slowly walks back toward you. Still unnervingly calm.

He asks about a sword. His voice is lower, angrier - darker then. He stares at you with those blue eyes that seems to be able to decorticate your soul, torture tool firmly in hand. Even his lord looks fidgety all of a sudden and speaks his servant’s name, as if to hold him back. The squire looks at you with hatred. Oh god. He seemed like the reasonable one of the duo just a couple of minutes ago. Yet now in those blue eyes, you see nothing but murder. He brings the tool closer to you, opening and closing it. You’re starting to truly panic… then he steps back. And he glares at you for a few seconds. You feel like he’s trying to kill you just by staring. You don’t want to know what’s behind those eyes. He looks like he’s seriously considering using the tongs in many ways. For a lengthy period of time.

Finally, you let out the biggest sigh of your life when he steps back. The servant’s lord seems to relax as well.

The squire keeps asking questions. When you mock them or worse, he grabs more tools carefully. The knife. The tongs again. He puts it all back every time. But even though he seems to refuse to torture you, you’re still scared shitless. Because you can see it - it’s in his eyes. He’s holding himself back. What if his lord hadn’t been there ? Would he have tortured you then ? How badly ? The questions send chills down your spine.

Maybe they didn’t send the lad to do the dirty work while his lord interrogated you, you realize. Maybe they sent him and his lord came along to hold him back.

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Some KCD with Starkid quotes to show off my two favorite media

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Why did no one tell me that Michael and George get caught in the Kuttenberg stocks during the second half of the game ?! I just discovered it on my umpteenth playthrough. Henry can ask them why they’re here and George replies "It’s your fault, why didn’t you tell us the luth was stolen ?!" And Henry replies "You didn’t ask…" like a little shit. And then George screams "HEY EVERYONE IT’S HIM, HE’S THE ONE WHO STOLE THE LUTH !!" Just how much more content did I narrowly miss after hundreds of hours on this game ??

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nooo not Hans (0 charisma, 0 speech) pathetically trying to woo the maidens at the Devil's Den

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Found this post again by some fortunate scrolling and it’s pure gold. But seriously Hans. "I’ll take you to a glade and teach you to shoot with a bow. And then maybe…" with Henry overhearing this. I’m sure it would end well.

Henry (stepping closer from behind Hans) : And then what, my lord ? Sorry. Am I interrupting something ?

Hans (jumping, eyes wide) : Henry, you’re back !! I didn’t see you there !!

Henry : That’s what I figured. Eager to go hunting again, good Sir ?

Hans (who was flirting with girls because he’s paranoid some people know about him and Henry so he tries to keep his cover, to Henry’s knowledge too) : That’s not—

Henry (smirking a bit) : No problem, I understand. I’m a little hurt you would choose another bodyguard for the trip, but what can I do ? I suppose you were tired of waiting for me.

Hans : Never !! In fact, we’re going right now !! Pack your bag this instant !

Girl (watching him run away to the stables) : Thank you, Henry. I didn’t know how I’d get rid of him.

Henry : Believe me, the pleasure is all mine.

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Really love the idea of Henry of Skalitz slowly (over the years) turning into Henry of Rattay. Leaving his father’s sword to Radzig, being rewarded with a proper house in Rattay (maybe half of Pirkstein for his services ? ;)), putting together a swordsmith shop and just living there, with his closest friends nearby. He’d accompany Radzig on many errands, but Rattay would be his home. I’ve read in the codex, I believe, that Skalitz never actually got rebuilt. Now, I fiercely believe that in universe, Henry WOULD make Skalitz great again, like he did with Pribyslavitz. And after having Skalitz flourish again, still, he’d remain in Rattay near Hans and Theresa. Wake up in the morning with his two best friends on his doorstep rather than his parents’ grave under the linden tree.

My boy would have more titles than Sigismund himself. Henry of Rattay (and Skalitz, as he’s known in Bohemia for his deeds), son of the Royal Hetman Lord Kobyla, Master Huntsman of Talmberg, Master Swordsmith of the Kuttenberg Guild, renovator and bailiff of Pribyslavitz, guardian angel of Silver Skalitz, bodyguard of Lord Capon of Pirkstein.

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I can hardly wait for a third KCD game in which we’ll encounter plenty of new characters, and every time he can, Hans will worm himself between them and Henry to introduce himself and HIS escorte, Henry of Skalitz, like a clingy boyfriend. Yes, Sir, I’m sure you’ve heard prouesses of MY page recently, notably in Suchdol. Oh my Lady, no need to ask MY retainer, I’ll be glad to escort you outside myself. There, we’re outside. Now good night. Back to the feast. Wait, is someone talking to- Henry, MY brave squire ! There you are ! Care to introduce me to your new FRIEND here ? Hah, don’t mind him, Sir, Henry may lack the title but he has the frame of mind of a knight, as well as a golden tongue. So of course MY bodyguard would propose to run an errand for you, haha. Which reminds me, Henry here was just about to fetch some Sylvan Red from MY room. Right now. And I have to use the garderobe. The one next to my chambers. Good night.

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Henry’s friendships / Hansry rant

The more I think about it, the more I’m fascinated with the Hansry romance on Henry’s side. Because even though it’s obvious that Hans has been pining for a LONG time, Henry mostly saw Hans as a great, maybe his best friend. Sure, he had friends in Skalitz that he’s known his whole life. But it was… how do I put it. Give and take friendships. I scratch your back, you do mine. I help you redecorate the German’s house, you help me beat up that alcoholic asshole. I bring you three full sets of cuman leaders’ armors and you give me… a small share of what you earned for a ring you stole. Yeah. Great pals. Such a true, uninterested friendship. Then when you compare it to hanging out with Hans, you can understand why Henry definitely has more fun with his lordship. They actually chat, joke, tease, share rides, hunts, wine. It’s more… natural. Relaxing in a way, even though trouble is never far.

And now I think that for a long time, maybe, Henry didn’t see Hans romantically, at least not obviously. He tells him he’s his closest friend, that he won’t allow anything to happen to him, that he cares about him very much, that Hans’ safety matters way more than his own. So he did have strong feelings for Hans - of course - but he really didn’t have time to think how deeply they went before. (To be fair, in both games, Hans mostly waits or is trapped somewhere 90% of the time, so he has plenty of time to ponder, while Henry runs around from errand to errand to save everyone, so I doubt our blacksmith boy has much time to think. About anything. Ever.)

It makes it truly tragic when you imagine that Henry understood these feelings completely the ONE moment he did nothing, when the room was quiet and the world stilled : in Suchdol. Listening to Hans’ tale. When he placed a hand on his own to reassure him. Imagine, that’s when it finally completely clicked. Right before he has to leave to his death. So he gets up because he has to go, and it’s too late anyway - he took too long to understand these feelings properly and now he’s likely going to die without knowing if they could blossom.

And then Hans kisses him. He recoils in shock, misunderstanding, horror, because it’s too late. And it’s too much. He doesn’t have time to think, to process this, he never does. He’s on another mission to save everyone. No time to linger on feelings. But when he hears Hans on the brink of tears and thinks just for a second about the implications, he realizes that for once, the world can wait. For once, he focuses on his own feelings. And the clarity is blinding - he’s in love with Hans and Hans loves him back. So he locks the door and walks back inside to show him, determined, maybe kind of upset at himself, but tender the second he holds Hans’ side and cradles his neck, guiding him to the bed. As I’ve seen many people say - he’s locked in now. Taken control of his own path once and for all.

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Henry sober : I don’t think that’s wise, Hans. Yes, father, I’ll come back with a report. Don’t worry, Katherine, I’ll find that madman and bring him to justice. Got it, Captain, I’ll join your ambush at the right time. Sure Godwin, I’ll help you bury these men. I wouldn’t say no to some training - it’s always better to be prepared. Oh- me, a knight ? Well… I’m not exactly knighted. At all. I’m just Henry. My lord’s bodyguard. :)

Henry drunk : You want me to go pick up flowers in the middle of the night ?? Well… alright then !! Wha- you want my help kicking the bailiff’s arse, sure thing, why not ! And now we’re with sheep… baaaah… haha there’s the sun rising… What were we talking about again ?

Henry hammered :

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Any noblemen party with Hansry pre and post romance

Hans (leaning against a wall or sitting in a corner, glowering at the room) : Look at this lot… plotting, lying, fake laughing, patting and stabbing each other’s back with each hand. Like it’s always been. And Henry… fits right in. He flows in, plays dice, chats with any noble like he’s known them his whole life. How is he so naturally good at this after a lifetime of being a yokel ? I should be used to this on the other hand - yet here I am, miserable in every sense of the word. Now Hal is glancing at me briefly while talking to two richly adorned buffoons. He looks mad. Is it because I’m just standing there uselessly doing nothing… ? Maybe. Any rotten core in this party is probably more fun to hang out with than me.

Henry (gritting his teeth) : God fucking dammit, this is the 5th person in this room to tell me how Capon looks like a puffed up peacock just present in this room to show off his pretty feathers. How many times do I have to explain that Hans’s "mistakes" come from either ignorance because he was neglected out of plans or self pity because of how he hates - rightfully - being left waiting in the wings while everyone plots behind his back ? How can they all be so blind ?! Hans is the kindest, brightest, most ACTUALLY noble Bellatores I’ve met, and he deserves none of those criticisms !! If anyone actually gave him a chance, he would blind them all. Looking at him right now, sulking in a corner - kurva, I wish I could tell him all this here and now. That he shouldn’t even imagine what these fools are thinking. That he’s so much better than them in so many ways. That I love him for it. But I can’t. So I’ll go from guest to guest to every party and correct them on their misapprehensions concerning the lord I chose to serve until death do us part.