5 questions from Buddhism, Stoicism, and Neuroscience that will make you emotionally stronger
        Emotions  can often hijack our brains, but there are effective ways to  respond.        Â
 Ever been caught in the grip of extreme emotions? I'm gonna guess  whatever decision you made next probably wasn't a good one.
 When we're anxious, angry, or sad, we rarely do the smart thing.  And that can seriously mess up our lives.
 At work, in love, or pretty much anything we do, we need  emotional strength to stay cool and do the right thing.
 Now dealing with the ups and downs of feelings isn't anything  new. And nor are some of the best solutions. So let's look at  what some ancient wisdom has to say about dealing with difficult  emotions.
 Studying Buddhist mindfulness or Stoicism can take a heck of a  long time. So we'll prune their insights down to 5 questions that  can help you when emotions hijack your brain and send you into a  tizzy.
 First up: worrying. When your mind is filled with anxious  concerns and doubts, what question do you need to be asking  yourself?
 Face it: Your brain can be a pretty crazy place. All kinds of  things bounce around in there. And you're usually pretty good at  culling the wacky thoughts. But then you get worried …
 And your brain starts multiplying negative possibilities like  crazy. And you make the mistake of taking them seriously. Every.  Single. One.
 Remember: You are not your thoughts. Neuroscientist Alex  Korb made an interesting distinction when I spoke to him. If you were to  break your arm you would not tell people, "I am broken." But when  we feel worry, we're quick to say, "I am worried."
 Your brain produces thoughts. That's its job. But that's not  directly under your control. So just because something is in your  head, doesn't mean it's "you," and should therefore be taken  seriously.
 When I spoke to Buddhist mindfulness expert Sharon Salzberg, she said this:
 I think one of the issues that we have is that we don't  necessarily recognize that a thought is just a thought. We have a  certain thought, we take it to heart, we build a future on it, we  think, "This is the only thing I'll ever feel," "I'm an angry  person and I always will be," "I'm going to be alone for the rest  of my life," and that process happens pretty quickly.
 If you acted on every crazy thought that popped into your head, I  can guarantee you two things:
 There's a blockbuster reality show in your future. Â
 And not a lot of happiness. Â
 So if you are not your thoughts, who are "you"? You're the thing  that decides which thoughts are useful and should be taken  seriously.
 The ancient Stoics believed that you are just your reasoned  choice; because that's the only thing fully under your control.  So those worried thoughts aren't you. The decisions you make  regarding them are.
 You're not your brain; you're the CEO of your brain. You can't  control everything that goes on in "Mind, Inc." But you can  decide which projects get funded with your attention and action.
 So when a worry is nagging at you, step back and ask: "Is this  useful?"
 When I spoke to Buddhist mindfulness expert Joseph Goldstein he said:
 This thought which has arisen, is it helpful? Is it serving me or  others in some way or is it not? Is it just playing out perhaps  old conditions of fear or judgment or things that are not very  helpful for ourselves or others? Mindfulness really helps us both  see and discern the difference and then it becomes the foundation  then for making wiser choices and why the choices lead to more  happiness.
 If the worry is reasonable, do something about it. If it's  irrational or out of your control, recognize that. Neuroscience shows that merely making  a decision like this can reduce worry and anxiety.
 (To learn the 7-step morning ritual that will make you happy all  day, click here.)
 But maybe you're not worried. Maybe you're furious. But what is  anger? Where does it come from? And what question can make these  HULK SMASH feelings go away?
 2. "Does the world owe me this?"
 Anger comes from entitlement. You feel you're entitled to  something, reality doesn't bend to your expectations and boom —  you're punching things. Or people.
 Traffic is bad. You get angry. Let me translate that thought  process for you: "Traffic should never cause me problems. The  world owes me that." Sound reasonable? Hardly.
 Or someone doesn't do what they said they'd do. You get angry.  Now you might reply, "People should do what they say  they'll do! I have a right to be angry!"
 Yes, it would be nice if people always followed through, but is  that a reasonable expectation? Of course not. You know people  don't always do what they say. Now you can definitely call them  out on it. You can decide to do something in response. But the  anger?
 That awful feeling is all yours. You had an unrealistic  expectation ("People will always do what they say")  and now you're shocked — SHOCKED! — that they didn't.
 Famed psychologist Albert Ellis (whose work was inspired by the  Stoics) led a war against the words "should" and "must." Anytime  you use those words, you're probably in for some unhappiness  because you're saying the universe is obligated to bend to your  will. Good luck with that.
 So the solution to anger is to ask yourself: "Does the world owe  me this?"
 Yeah, it's a trick question. Because the world doesn't owe you  anything. And the more you think the world owes you, the angrier  you will be. Again, it's all about reasonable expectations. And  that's why Marcus Aurelius said:
 Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with  interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and  selfishness …
 Not a pleasant way to start the day — that I grant you. But he  was on to something. Expecting everything to go your way, let  alone insisting on it, is a prescription for anger.
 I know what some people are thinking: Feeling you're entitled to  nothing in life seems unfair and sad. But don't forget that you  take for granted what you are owed. Not being entitled makes  every good thing in life a prize. You either achieved it or you  were lucky, and those lead to feelings of pride or gratitude.
 When you're entitled, you don't appreciate anything, and you're  frequently disappointed. Not a good combo. And when psychologists  are evaluating if someone is a narcissist, guess what one of the  four criteria is? Yeah, entitlement.
 (To learn how mindfulness can make you happy, click here.)
 Maybe you're not worried or angry. Maybe you're just overwhelmed  by sadness about something. Well, I have a question for you …
 3. "Must I have this to live a happy life?"
 Plenty of people have a lot less than you and live a very happy  life. If happiness was all about money, then every single person  in the developing world would be miserable. People who have lost  a loved one, who have become handicapped, or heaven forbid, had a  bad hair day, are all capable of living happy lives.
 What do you truly need to live a happy life? (Hint: the longer  your list, the more miserable you will be.)
 As Marcus Aurelius said:
 Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within  yourself, in your way of thinking.
 So next time you don't get something you want and it makes you  sad, ask yourself, "Must I have this to live a happy life?"
 Yeah, yeah, forgive me — it's another trick question. The answer  is almost always "no."
 Maybe you didn't get that promotion. And when you ask yourself  the question, your first thought is, "But my career is important  to my happiness!"
 Hey, I underlined the word "this" for a reason, pal.
 Yes, your career is important. But is this  promotion, right now, vital to the happiness of your  life? No. Who knows what the future holds? And some of that is  under your control. There are many ways to live a happy life and  very rarely will this one thing make or break you.
 (To learn the four rituals neuroscience says will make you happy,  click here.)
 Now when you're consumed by negative emotions, it can be very  hard to make good decisions. Which means more bad stuff happens,  which means more bad feelings. So how do you make smart choices  when you feel awful? Just ask …
 4. "Is this who I want to be?"
 News flash: there is no singular, concrete "you." Neuroscientists  have poked around at plenty of grey matter and there's no spot in  there that contains a stable "you." And Buddhists were saying  this over a thousand years ago.
 Neuroscientist and Buddhism practitioner John Yates explains:
 We often believe we should be in control, the masters of our own  minds. But that belief only creates problems for your practice.  It will lead you to try to willfully force the mind into  submission. When that inevitably fails, you will tend to get  discouraged and blame yourself. This can turn into a habit unless  you realize there is no "self" in charge of the mind, and  therefore nobody to blame.
 Tons of things affect your decisions every day. Context, friends,  and moods all affect what you do and who you are. This is a good  thing, because it means you can change.
 But it presents a challenge because it means you need to  decide which person you will be today, Sybil. And  this isn't something you want to get wrong. What is the #1 regret people have on their  deathbeds?
 I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the  life others expected of me.
 Yow. So who should you decide to be? We can turn to modern  science for this answer: Be you on your best day. So when making  tough choices think about whether what you plan to do is aligned  with the "you" you're most proud of.
 Merely thinking about your best possible self makes you  happier:
 Results generally supported these hypotheses, and suggested that  the [Best Possible Self] exercise may be most beneficial for  raising and maintaining positive mood.
 And don't worry about seeming inauthentic, either. When you act  like your best self, you end up showing people what you're really like:
 … positive self-presentation facilitates more accurate  impressions, indicating that putting one's best self forward  helps reveal one's true self.
 (To learn the schedule very successful people follow every day,  click here.)
 Alright, this has all been very focused inside your head. How can  you be emotionally strong when someone you're dealing with is  being emotionally weak or difficult? If someone else is anxious,  angry, or sad, and it's making your life rough, that can bring  you down. How do you help both of you? Ask yourself …
 5. "Have I ever felt that way?"
 Whatever they are going through, you've probably felt something  similar. So be compassionate.
 Both Buddhism and Stoicism believe in doing your best to reduce  the suffering of others. Buddhism has the  four divine abodes: loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic  joy, and equanimity. And on the Stoic side, good ol' Marcus Aurelius said:
 Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself.
 Compassion sounds nice, but does it really produce results?  Absolutely. And you get bigger benefits if you do it when you are  least likely to want to — during an argument.
 Via 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships:
 People who maintain a compassionate spirit during disagreements  with their partner, considering not just the virtue of their  position but the virtue of their partner, have 34 percent fewer  disagreements, and the disagreements last 59% less time. – Wu  2001
 (To learn how to have more grit — from a Navy SEAL — click  here.)
 Okay, we've learned a lot. Let's round it up and learn the most  important part of being emotionally strong …
 Here are the five questions from ancient wisdom that will make  you emotionally strong:
 "Is it useful?": Most worrying isn't. Make a   decision to do something or to let it go. Â
 "Does the world owe me this?": No. Don't be   entitled. Have realistic expectations and you won't get angry. Â
 "Must I have this to live a happy   life?": Probably not. It takes little to make a happy   life and there are many ways to get those things. Â
 "Is this who I want to be?": Act the way you   do when you're at your best. Â
 "Have I ever felt that way?": Respond to   others' problems with compassion and you'll both have fewer   problems. Â
 The most important part of emotional strength is not calming your  mind. It's being resilient. It's trying again after you've been  shaken by negative feelings.
 There are plenty of areas of your life where this is critical,  but none is more important than your relationships — research shows 70% of your happiness  comes from relationships.
 You will be hurt. You will feel bad at times. That's life. Sorry,  there's no avoiding it. So the question is: Who is worth it? Who  is most meaningful to you?
 So when things are hard, have the emotional strength to still  give to them and help them and care for them. You now have tools  to weather the storm. Earlier I mentioned the biggest regrets that people  had when they were dying. Know what #3 was?
 I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
 So go first. Let someone know how much they mean to you. Who are  we most likely to love? Research says it's the people who  first show us love.
 Recently, I have been lucky enough to have this happen to me. And  I can tell you nothing feels better.
 Enough reading, time for doing. Right now, have the emotional  strength to tell someone important how you feel, to forgive  someone, to let someone back into your life, or to reconnect with  someone you miss.
 Don't wait around for something negative to develop emotional  strength. Flex some now and see how happy it can make you.
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