I had the impression that he was waiting for me to talk to him honestly, as I once had. Half an hour after I did this, he died.
While he still had the level of cognitive and verbal ability required, he often expressed the desire to be close to me and understand what was happening in my life. I was very upset by his illness and unwilling to accept that his changed self was the same person, and I refused. When he stopped being able to intuitively understand me, 10 or more years ago, I don't have the words for how catastrophic that was. And then I didn't show emotion in front of him that wasn't cheerfulness or frustration, until yesterday.
I hope he understood that I always loved him, that I regretted failing him, and that although I wish things had been different, I accept that they happened this way. I also hope that he wasn't in too much pain and that I did not fail him again by not giving him pain relief or oxygen when he needed it (not noticing/understanding that he needed it).
I don't feel closure yet. I am still trying to understand what happened.
After his dad died from dementia, they had a conversation in a dream. I think my dad is going to need a long time to come back to himself before we can have a conversation like that. I am not, however, known for my skill at predictions.
I'm not as scared of death anymore. I'm still anxious about it, and I very much want to avoid dying before my time or taking any shortcuts, but it's a natural process. People know how to do it. Also, the purpose of opiates and opioids is to comfort the sick and dying. I thought they shouldn't exist, but actually I'm very grateful for them.
I am afraid of dementia and degenerative illness. What happened to my dad and his dad felt like a curse. But I think superstition can go fuck itself. I'm not going to be ruled by the fucking orbitofrontal segment of my cortico-basal ganglia-thalamo-cortical loop or what the fuck ever. Human medical science and technology and I guess an amulet for me.
You Never Know How Strong You Are Until You Have No Choice!
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