I don't know, man. I cannot seem to ever get what I want at the exact moment I want it. Everything remains terribly elusive; it all remains frustratingly out of reach and some days the frustration takes over and becomes the whole of my personality. I cannot escape it; everything, every possible thing, tends to frustrate me on these days. I cannot get what I want and I want it right fucking now.
I now understand why serial killers do what they do. Not being able to have a truly remarkable sexual experience tends to drive one mad, tends to drive one into states of absolute depravity if there are no alternatives present. It's not enough to have a willing partner who wants you, who enjoys you, who will let you do whatever you want to her as long as you want it. No, you end up wanting what you shouldn't want which is anyone that does not want you and wishes to get away from you. It is all about pursuit and prey which do offer a most fascinating experience for the daring and the willing to face the fear of discovery. Being discovered is a thrill all its own because it means one will be recognized for their work which is of utmost importance. The absolute worst thing is to accumulate a fair number of corpses without your name forever attached to them. Anonymity is the most frustrating condition of all for every killer who just wants recognition.
Serial killers fascinate us because primarily they do what our imaginations would have us do if only we weren't terrified of the ramifications of such grotesqueries. We are scared of being caught and thrown into a dungeon forever but some are able to break free of these irrational fears and do whatever the hell they want to whom ever they want whenever they want it. They are the truly bold but they must remain outsiders in any society that wants to maintain a semblance of Law and order.
We all have terribly dark thoughts, don't we? A flash of a slitting the throat of a child, or pushing one into a train. We just want to bash somebody's skull in sometimes for no reason other than because it comes into our head and it seems like a good idea at the time. But we do not do any of these things because we are reasonable people and we honestly understand that we just do not have what it takes to be a criminal of any sort. We certainly cannot make a career out of homicide, particularly gruesome, depraved, beyond description. These type of stories sicken the average person who insist they are free of such thoughts; however, they are aware they are fooling themselves. We all have such thoughts but most of us are able to ignore them. We don't heed their call and certainly do not express our rage upon the flesh of another mere human.
So, we are satisfied to live vicariously through the actions of our beloved serial killing heroes now and again because we are under the impression that it's safe. But what if we could experience the kill at the moment the life is snuffed out? What if a virtual reality could create that experience for us in the sense that we could cut that little turdling throat and push that brat into way of the train? Would we want to? What if you could rape somebody and experience it as if it was happening exactly as it is presented to you? Or be raped?
It seems imperative to contemplate the thought processes of those who do commit acts of atrocity just because they can and because it's satisfies some strange directive they are under. The measured man does not give in to the temptation without a certain amount of contemplation. Indeed, there is a lot of time between the initial thought and the final deed. Preparation, imagining every conceivable aspect the final performance, the sheer Joy of accomplishment after a lengthy prelude are all essential.
It remains true that very few persons want to admit publicly that serial murder must be fun for the killer. It must provide a certain type of satisfaction that nothing else can match; no job, no advancement, no kind word can ever approximate the simple yet exquisite series of feelings that accompany one of these actions. Unfortunately, it just does not last which means another must be arranged at some point in the near future. Strangely, it often takes years to accomplish this. It is as if the killer wants to retain every conceivable aspect of the kill for as long as possible before he must go out and complete the task anew.
It's very convenient to say that the typical serial killer is simply depraved which causes them into their very personal modes of existence. The fact remains many of them have families, they live double lives. The excitement is generated from this fact. They are sneaking about, being very dirty boys, getting away with something that nobody else knows about. It's terribly delicious, and it stimulates them more than anything they've ever known.
It is my contention that your average serial killer has developed a peculiar way of getting off from the get-go. Their erotic pleasures have never been normal and in fact have always been rather secret which enhances the thrill. Most likely, being caught in a compromising position is very exciting especially if there is a punishment. Having punishment attached to your masturbation habits is a guarantee that you will end up equating sex with violence which is a computation that defines most serial killers to the point that they cannot ejaculate without seeing either blood or suffering of some sort.
Personally I fully understand just how this intermingling must occur in the minds of young boys who are inherently violent and who are inherently stupid about sex. They don't know what they're doing with their cocks and they don't know how to treat a woman with respect and the dignity which she deserves. In fact this respect and dignity is often lost on themselves as well because society and parenting and their peers and instructors have no clue how to address their pain. A lot of us grow up angry with no discernible measure to assuage our anger. Unfortunately, some of this anger is directed towards women. Sometimes women become a target of the rage that boils inside of us to the point that we want to punish them.
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