On mental illness and an invitation
I was having lunch with a friend a few months ago, and they stopped me in the middle of a sentence to remark: Do you realize what a big difference there is between your energy today and last year?
Last year, my summer was spent freelancing a several different places, sometimes at the same time, while trying to decide what I'd do with my life. It's not the career change that makes the difference, and not why I'm writing.
A year ago, at AAJA's national conference, I gave a lightning talk about my struggles with mental illness. It was supposed to be 5 minutes, they let me go much longer. I said at the end of that talk that I believe we need to talk about this more, and I still believe that.
I've struggled on and off with depression since I was 11 or 12. I've been in some pretty dark places. I've also managed to keep a lot of this from the eyes of co-workers, bosses and friends.
A year ago, I decided to stop keeping it a secret. I was at a particularly low point. Coincidentally, that same low point is when I first met and talked to Andy Carvin about the job I have now.
As a teenager, my depression was wrapped around my lack of sense of identity. I was Vietnamese-American, with an emphasis on Vietnamese at home and American at school. I was sad, smart and had few outlets other than writing. I excelled at that, getting some poetry published and becoming a regular at poetry slams, but I was so incredibly lost.
In college, that got better, but I reversed, from the moment I stepped into the student newsroom my sole identity was "journalist."
As my career progressed and I did the best with what the industry handed me, that sense of journalist as self only got stronger. About two years ago, I was miserable at my job and going through some very deep family issues that I never revealed to anybody. My sense of self was shaken and the anxiety began.
Anxiety attacks are different for everybody, but for me, it starts with a boulder in my stomach and grows to dread and fear and panic that causes me to curl up into a physical ball. There was a week where every day, I came home and laid on the couch until I was forced to move. I cried in my car. I chain smoked (I quit years ago). My doctor kindly suggested time off work, a medical leave of absence maybe.
It's been better since then, but my depression now mixes with anxiety. I love my job, I think I have a sense of self that goes beyond journalist, finally.
I'm still not great every day. Some days, a tiff at work becomes something more in my head. I often push myself to the brink of exhaustion, then get angry anyone let me get to that point. The stories I cover have likely traumatized me.
I've sought therapy and I do a number of things to feel better, part of that being more honest with some people.
* Meditation. I'm not so great at this but I try to do it at least when I'm stressed * Exercise. I average 3 times a week. I hate it, but it definitely keeps me calm. * More breaks. Working at home means I have people around (who live with me) who force me to take mini breaks. Having a pet that needs occasional attention doesn't hurt, either. * Talking to people, honestly. Whether friends or professionals, I try to find a few I shed the image off for and show all my insecurities.
The best thing about being a journalist is that every day is different. It's exciting. But it also makes it hard to work on my response to things.
A year has changed me - for the better and the worse. I take to heart the idea of faking it till you make it. I fear showing weakness, so I still hide behind a smile. I try to look like I have my shit together. I don't. This is me taking that layer off, in hopes that it can spur conversation.
There have been so many articles about mental illness in the newsroom, but we still need to talk about what we, as individuals, can do. Of course out newsrooms should provide resources and time off to get better, but we can make individual change.
How? I'm not sure. But now that you know my story, I want to invite you to my table talk at ONA, to discuss, in a small group, what we can do from here. If you're not going to ONA, I'd love to hear your thoughts via email (or DM!).
