Break Me Down

Various thoughts and prayers. Shit I deal with, whatever else. Comfort where I can't find it elsewhere. Various things will be posted here. Shorts, longer vents or rants, posts to do with my selfshipping. Mental health related things.

[buildmeupagain]

“Are you angry? You look angry. I know you are.” No? I am not? I am pretty fucking blank, what about me is making you think I am angry. Irritating. This happens far too much. I think I know what I’m experiencing more than you do. Thanks.

[buildmeupagain]

Melancholy

First post kinda nervy… Forgive me, I am no poet.

I have suffered with intense mental health problems all my life. They have never bettered, they have never become any less taxing. I feel the strain daily and I always will.

I know the common emotion we all share is I wish I was normal, I wish I was more like everyone else. So I won’t reiterate the same schtick over and over again. Though I understand that.

I have been diagnosed with a number of mental illnesses, and I have had so much therapy in my life to try and curb that, to try and salvage my mind. It has never worked and I fear it won’t.

I feel emotions, but they are incredibly dulled. All besides depression, general sadness. That still stands. That has always stood. And it makes me think, How do others experience life? Is it meant to be joyful, kind to you? Are you supposed to feel happy in your existence? Or is everyone suffering the same, just silently.

I feel very alone. I have always felt very alone, despite the people around me. I believe it is because of my self isolation tendencies. And, no matter how hard I try, I can not curb those at all. I can try, sure, but it will last a few days. I feel for my friends, I ‘love’ them, I truly do.

But Sometimes it feels like I am living in a different world to them. Some bizarre fantasy wherein they don’t suffer the same. It makes me feel lonely. I can not talk to them about these things because the responses will not be what I want.

I don’t expect anyone to read this, let alone get this far. But it would be nice to know that I am not alone in this, in feeling this way.