CJ Kisch

I guess this is poetry and other crap. If you’re not interested in my shit poems, I’m not interested in your cheap pick up lines. All content is OG. Main blog: cunt_castle insta: catie_jean

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I miss my 20s body, but 30s doesn’t look too bad…

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Quick, Siri, how to tell him I have borderline and he ain’t actually that special?

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I forgot to show off my Halloween costume 🍎

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It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me 🖤

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I’m ugly but it’s exotic

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I’ve given up on being happy. I’d just like to feel a little less miserable.

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I shouldn’t have to spend 30+ minutes everyday talking myself out of hurting myself. I shouldn’t have to live my life clinging to a crisis plan. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

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I did a bunch of ❄️ this weekend and now I feel like my BPD has leveled up. Holla.

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I didn’t kill myself today. I guess that’s something.

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Even when you flat out tell someone you’re close to unaliving yourself they don’t care enough to address it. I guess you actually have to be dead before anyone pays attention. Amazing.

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I had a lot of costumes this Halloween. I also had a miserable Halloween.

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My isolation isn’t me on some deserted island and my depression isn’t walls I built six feet high, waiting for someone to come tear them down.

I wrapped myself in plastic wrap, layer by layer, head to feet. I can still move. I can still see you and you can still see me. But it’s a little stuffy and it’s hard to breath. And it’s over my mouth and over my ears so I can still hear you and you can still hear me but it’s all kind of... muffled.

And the plastic is thick. So the there’s tear marks from the people who tried to get through to me. They had to make it hurt. But eventually they left because it takes effort to claw through all of that.

So when people pass by they smile and I still see it. But you can’t actually touch me and I can’t actually touch you and I’m not alone but I’ve never been so l o n e l y.

CJ Kisch

[bulba-whore]

I’m a ray of sunshine, look at me 🎶

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Sometimes I’ll be like: “yeah, you’re making your mental illness up.”

And then I get SO mad at literally the stupidest thing and throw my phone and put a hole in the wall or scream and cry and slam doors like I’m still in high school and not a 29 year old with a home and a car payment and a masters level education 🙃

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Trying to be cute while wasted will always be a fail.

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You were purple. Warm, but goofy and full of so much vibrance and love. A first love. I was curious. I was lost.

You were jet black. Cold, distant. There was so much passion though. You broke things inside of me I didn’t know existed.

You were green. Alive. Awake. Full of wonder, awe, big dreams. You gave me a rush no drug ever could. I couldn’t keep up.

You were red. Full of love, full of pain. Erratic and loud and always flying. I could never tell if you were on drugs or if you were the drug. I guess I was a little afraid of heights.

You were blue. Calm, collected. A wave of gentleness. The smell of rain. Soft. I was scared of the calm.

You were yellow. Charismatic, bubbly. Full of amusement. I wasn’t enough. You said so yourself.

You are gold. Like sunlight. You’re stability, grounded, driven. I think you deserve better.

I am grey. Sometimes charcoal, sometimes dusty. But always grey. And I will pull the pigment from you in hopes of feeling something. But in the end you’ll be drained and I’ll still just be grey.

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Hello sunshine; what’s your name today? ☀️