Today marks the one year anniversary of my Mom’s passing. I really miss her a lot. I experienced so much anxiety in anticipating this infamous day. I thought a lot about what I would do to honor my mom. My first thought was that I wanted to spend the weekend with my Nana and Poppy and my three brothers. That would have been the best. No special plans, but at least we could be together. Unfortunately I didn’t have the money for that. I didn’t want to spend the day being sad and alone so I was trying to think of something fun to do. I had previously been talking about how much I missed country concerts on the beach in my hometown (Virginia Beach, VA). Then one day while driving home from work at Cheesecake Factory, I heard a commercial for the Tortuga Festival. I was so excited. Kenny Chesney, Zac Brown Band, The Band Perry, rum cakes and so much more. (I have never had a rum cake, but I have heard they are really delicious, especially at Tortuga.) Anyways, I found out that some of my friends from work were interested in going. I thought a lot about it. Ideally I would have loved for my boyfriend to come, but he is a manager and had to work. He was upset because he really wanted to be there. I appreciate and love him so much. He always takes care of me. After waiting until the last minute to decide, last night, I decided I would get a one day pass for the last day of the festival. I bought my ticket and I was so excited. I know my mom always loved music on the beach too. I looked forward to spending the day with her in my heart while I proudly sang out of key to my favorite country songs.
This morning I woke up with a text from my friend Alexa coordinating our plans to go. I was so excited. I eagerly prepared for the day and got my beach bag all together etc. Everything was perfect. Alexa came to pick me up with her friend Krista and we all went to Target to buy some last minute accessories. On the way there I received a few messages from friends letting me know they were thinking of me and praying for me today. I kept telling myself “I am okay. I am okay.”. I tried to let it go the best I could. The sky was getting cloudy and it looked like it was going to rain at any moment. For some reason my mind automatically thought, “how appropriate for it to rain on such a sad day”. Blah, shake out of it. I wanted to have fun and let go of everything for once. I texted my boyfriend that I was nervous. I continued affirming myself, “I am okay”. My best friend andrealr123 texted me a random message about how she ate kale today and knew I would appreciate it (because I love kale so much!). I immediately felt relief. I texted her, “Im so glad you texted me”. I let her in on my secret; that I was panicking inside and I wanted to let go and be okay. She talked to me about the festival and asked me about different things to focus me on the positive. When I still felt upset, she let me know that it was okay to cry and that I wasn't going to be judged and that I could call her at any time. She had cleared her whole schedule ahead of time because she knew how difficult today would be for me. That is one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me. I have the best best friend. The relief I felt in letting someone in on how I was secretly sad recounting the events of this day last year allowed me to really feel what I was trying to hide from myself. I cried and although I was okay, I needed to keep crying and be by myself some. Alexa kindly took me home and was so understanding. I really appreciated it. I felt bad that they would be later than if they hadn’t picked me up in the first place.
Now I am at home, with my cats. andrealr123 and I were able to FaceTime while all four of the cats curled up around me. The best feeling. #MeetPatches #helookslikegarfield
We laughed about mean girls from the past who tried to manipulate a kind gesture into a melodramatic personal attack. (I sent a previous good friend an encouraging graduation card saying that I was proud of her and hoped the best for her future and she responded saying that I was being passive aggressive and condemning me for moving to Florida.) As we discussed how crazy it was that someone would take something so heartfelt and turn it into something so malicious, Andrea had the best idea. “I’m going to play you something”. Cue @Taylorswift’s “Bad Blood”. We laughed and laughed. It was the best. It made me feel better about both situations.
We also spent a lot of time discussing our tactics for getting invited to taylorswift‘s “T-party” at her NYC concert in July. Trust me, we have big plans! We will find a way to get on her #taydar.
Now that I have spent some time to myself remembering my mom and laughing at That 70′s Show, I feel more at peace. I am proud of myself for putting in the effort to do something rather than admitting defeat and retreating to my bed the whole day. This is a big step for me. I am a little bummed out because my ticket was $110 and I really don’t have money to waste, but at least it helps out endangered turtles (or so I think...I hope). Plus, what matters is that I took a big step forward and even though it didn’t go as planned, I still gave it the good old college try, haha! Anyways, there is still time to see a few bands, so maybe I will gather myself again and meet Alexa and her friend at the concert. We shall see.
God bless you Momma. I love and miss you so much. Rest in peace 4/12/14
“Confess I'm not quite ready to be left.
Still, I know I gave my level best.
You give, you give, to this I can attest
You made me, you made me.
You and me forever, baby.
You will rest your head, your strength once saving.
And when you wake you will fly away,
holding tight to the legs of all your angels.
Goodbye my love, into your blue, blue eyes,
in your blue, blue world, you and me forever.”
-DMB-
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