egg

just another virgo bitch

[lesbianconspiracy]

growing up female is a specific experience. sex while female is a specific experience. dating while female is a specific experience. dating females as a female is a specific experience. going to the doctor as a female is a specific experience. people knowing you’re female is a specific experience. female shame is a specific experience. female dysphoria is a specific experience.

female is an experience. a reality. a description. not an identity

[lesbianrey]

there’s just so much about the stress of living as a woman thats hard to explain to men beyond just like, the most explicit and overt sexism/misogyny. its like this tightly wound ball of all these behaviors and expectations and mannerisms that even most women are not consciously aware of half of them. you just get the feeling that something is not right, like it’s unfair. but you can’t explain why because it’s never simply just one thing or action done by another person- it’s that your whole life has always felt this way because the systematic dehumanization of women is so deeply insidious and invisible.

[bunnyscarlet]

[black-hearted-bat-deactivated20]

[guooey]

[80sanime]

[orwell]

House (1977) dir. Nobuhiko Obayashi

[chewbacca]

Sharp Objects (2018) dir. Jean-Marc Vallée

[bunnyscarlet]

[posthumanwanderings]

[bunnyscarlet]

was your decision

[godspeedyoublackemperor]

[bisexualannaewers]

Britt Oosten for Zara Join Life Collection, 2021

Photographed by Sam Rock

[bunnyscarlet]

being close with one another is supposed to take precedent over being right..

[bunnyscarlet]

how do i keep getting into these relationships?

i keep thinking its the guys

which is true

but also ive always known im an anxious person but i think im realizing it goes beyond that into being dependent in a disordered way

i apologize for the thing im sad about because i dont want to be yelled at and i dont want to hear mean things anymore so i'd rather just quell the situation

even when im so so angry

i apologize profusely

and then "oh my god stop apologizing"

then what do you want from me???? i cant argue, it will make you even more disappointed in me and tired of me and angry

but i cant apologize for myself to you because its annoying, its too much, desperate. or something. i cant win

i dont think im capable of standing up for myself or reasoning with men or explaining myself and why someone else is incorrect

im incapable of everything. im flawed, everything is wrong with me and never with them

i feel tiny and stupid all the time. i feel like im psycho, and come across as psycho, for having quite logical emotional responses to behaviors that are definitely actually not nice or normal. but i still go with thinking im insane, because i must be. based on your replies to my responses to yourself.

i dont know why you dont see that all i do is over-consider you and under-consider me. im not too afraid to ask a waiter for a napkin to make your life more difficult. its me and my irrational concerns for other people. i make my own life harder. its not about you. all i do is think of you and how to make your life easier. believe it or not. you, to me, are more important than my own self and thats truly disordered and unhealthy

the idea of breaking off the relationship is still devastating because even tho i do truly enjoy being alone i guess id rather go through abuse and have someone who can protect me from other men or something idefk it makes no sense

i also keep thinking im being irrational and in the wrong and therefore psycho for wanting to end this relationship without really "trying" to save it. id be crazy to end it without really TRYING. but im tired. i doubt myself and my intuition and my intelligence so often and so hard that im too tired to connect any thoughts and formulate any solid decisions anyways. too tired to go through a breakup.

you refer to me as "dingus" .... in public. i feel like im supposed to think im insane for being offended by this but like....really? why? i feel like im your pet or your child. like i found porn on your onedrive and your response is to threaten to take away my access to our xbox account like youre my fucking dad...

even if i was single again id still be plagued by all this dependency

its never getting better, it seems

i need to be alone but i cant do it. i want to be alone but i cant do it. i want to be alone. i want to be alone. i dont want this.

im trying everything to fix myself. therapy, programs, mentoring, medicating, life coaching, im trying everything. but nothing is enough and nothing i do ever warrants any compassion for your girlfriend. you think im doing nothing about anything but all i am doing is literally anything for everything whenever youre not looking

the other day my therapist said "there is nothing wrong with you." (in a kind way not an invalidating way) and i cried because i dont believe her/

i dont want this

so... you are right, in the end. it's not you--it really is me.

[patrickbatewoman]

[bunnyscarlet]