Hey there! When the D/s hierarchy comes up, you tend to mention that for you two it mostly applies when there are conflicting needs of equal importance. How do you determine the importance of needs? The guy I'm seeing has severe depression and anxiety whereas I have moderate depression and anxiety so I tend to feel like his needs are "bigger" but it leaves me feeling neglected at times. I don't know if his needs really are usually more important or if I just don't know when to stand up for my own needs.
Hope your week is starting out well!
Hey! Thanks, I hope your week is going well too :).
Your question made me pick my brain a little because we kinda go on instincts or feelings more so than talking this stuff out or negotiating it, but I know that isn't helpful to you, haha. So I got analyzing what subconsciously factors into how we know what to prioritize.
The truth is that our needs very rarely contradict. When they do though, I think it's usually fairly clear which need is bigger because the big one will feel really urgent, and that urgency seems to naturally demand that it is the focus. Like if you're in a house where there's something on fire in the kitchen and there's also something spilled on the carpet, the fire will just naturally demand your attention to the point where you nearly forget about the carpet. I feel like that type of thing happens with our needs, as well. Sorry for the weird example but I hope that makes sense? If one is a bigger need by any measurable margin, you'll feel it.
And then if there isn't a really urgent need that demands attention, then we're typically able to meet both of our needs, perhaps just one after the other rather than simultaneously or something.
Using mental health related stuff as an example, I can serve CD even if I am having a bad anxiety day as long as it's not at the level where I'm actually having a panic attack, or in a near-panic level of anxiety where I can’t focus on much of anything. But if I'm that intensely anxious or having an actual panic attack, then it will feel very urgent to him and he'll naturally prioritize that need.
Or when flipped to the other side, CD can support and take care of me unless his depression is really extreme, and if he is that "dark" then I'll be able to tell he's really not doing well and I'll naturally know to prioritize him.
I think part of why this works for us though, is because it's not that one of us is regularly requiring that we are put first. We both need to be prioritized most sometimes, but it's reasonably balanced. If either of us were regularly having intense needs that had to trump the other person's, I think that would become a problem long-term. There has to be roughly equal give and take overall, or the person who is giving all the time, and rarely receiving, will burn out.
If you're often feeling like your needs are contradicting and it's because there are those urgent (it's on fire!) kinda things all the time on one or both sides? Then it may be that the mental health issues need to be resolved before it can really work. CD has said before that what D/s really is, is emotional labor. With that in mind, I can see how if mental health is in too bad of a place, it may just not be realistic for that person to do D/s.
Or, if your needs are contradicting often but at a lower level where neither is urgent? Then it seems to me like taking turns in who gets their needs met would probably be the most fair? Though if this is the case, I'd also look closely at whether both people are really offering all that they can, or not. If it's non-critical needs that are contradicting it seems to me like if both people are really trying to give to the other, that it should be manageable to meet both needs most of the time. Using my weird analogy, if the kitchen is on fire, it makes sense to neglect the spill on the carpet and prioritize the fire. But if there are two spills on the carpet? You should be able to clean both up.
For whatever my gut feeling is worth, my instinct is that you are probably not having your needs prioritized enough. I think most submissives are far more likely to give too much rather than to be too selfish when it comes to their partners. I think typically if a sub is wondering if they are being neglected, they are. And/or if they feel like they’re giving a lot more than they receive, they probably are.
