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@keptmathilda
She's gone
This is keepingher speaking. For those who have not been following her Ukraine blog https://www.tumblr.com/ykp-chk , my Dovey bird was killed 2 weeks ago by a 120mm mortar. You can get more information from the ykp-chk blog.
She was my soulmate. I literally moved halfway around the world to claim her, and could not believe the treasure that others had tossed aside.
We had 6 1/2 amazing years together, but even I'm no match for Death, who plays no favorites.
I'm posting on https://www.tumblr.com/blog/keepingher again.
Context, because this isn't what it looks like: This picture shows a Ukrainian soldier who just arrived back in Ukraine after months of captivity in a Russian POW camp. He's so relieved to be finally free and back home that he's literally hugging the [Ukrainian] soil, like someone who's been lost in space or at sea for months not expecting to ever make it back...
War Diary, Lviv [currently on leave], 06.07.2023
A few weeks ago a former comrade of mine visited us, his old unit, at our base in Donetsk [oblast]. He was with us for months, but at some point left and switched to the International Legion. He had an offer from one of the ГУР-run (HUR = 'GRU' in Western terminology) Legion units and of course couldn't say no to that. We lost a lot of people (foreigners) that way. These special Legion teams started recruiting all the foreigners with 6+ months combat experience in Ukraine a few months ago (about at the same time when those famous 'Storm Brigades' started forming), and people jumped on the opportunity. They don't sit in trenches, they do the 'cool' stuff you know, kicking in/blowing up doors, throwing grenades through windows, etc., and while they're not out on some mission they don't live in a destroyed rural village without electricity and water, that's still within artillery range, but at some fancy base in <city>. I know a lot of people who left their (Infantry or otherwise unspectacular) units to join one of those teams. This friend of mine who visited us wanted to recruit me too, his team had no medic, and basically take me with them on the spot, but I said no.
Now while I'm on leave and away from the front (and people apparently know that somehow), two more friends, who were with my bn at some point and are now in different units in the Legion, have approached me, along the lines of "Are you sure you want to go back there? You could come to us..." They're trying to get me while it's easiest, while there's distance between me and my people and knowing that's the time when we, the foreigners, often suddenly start to have second thoughts, these little bastards, grml. I said no.
But honestly... I do see their point and I'm wondering if they're maybe right, and I'm stupid. My battalion, that's the guys who literally 'hold the line' by manning the trenches/foxholes/bunkers on the first line of defense, right next to the Russian positions. Our so-called base is, although much better than the positions of course, also not the nicest place, a mostly destroyed rural ghost town with no running water, no power except from generators in a few buildings, no stores within an almost one hour drive, shit supply, and so on. And you're getting shelled every day no matter where you are. In the best case, 'only' shelled. Our casualty numbers are high, our job is very hard, physically and mentally, our resources are very limited, and just in general our life there is pretty miserable to be honest. So who wants to be there, especially if there's alternatives to go somewhere else within the ZSU?
I'm almost ashamed of feeling that way, but it is really tempting and saying no, three times, wasn't easy. After the first time I had already forgotten about that feeling again, but now because of the other two times just recently while I was already in Lviv, I got reminded of it. I could have an easier life. And it's true... I'm really so tired and exhausted not only from the risks there, the constant fear for my life or limbs, but also just from normal daily life in this place. You have no idea how hard it can be...
I probably shouldn't feel that way. I should be like "Loyalty over everything" and there's no question about it that I'll be where 'my guys' are, the ones I've always been with since my day 1 at the front. And that's where I'll be. But somehow I still suffer under this choice, and that I do makes me feel guilty ie. even worse. Especially since there's absolutely no point in these complaints and in this kind of pain. Whatever decision you make is obviously what you want, for whatever fucked up reason that might be, so stop bitching about it. You have a choice. But I can't help it... I want to stay with my guys, despite the risks and the hardships, and at the same time I feel like I'm doing something stupid and feel bad about it, because I'm damaging myself by doing so. What's wrong with me.
The night passed without a nuclear disaster. Yay! :D
Funny how the most ordinary things can make you happy under the right circumstances.
online idiot: tries to provoke me for a discussion about whether there's nuance to killing me
me looking at my cards with quick answers: "nice opinion but there's a little problem i placed an anti-personnel landmine in an unidentifiable place in your house your every step is a risk now" "omg you're so smart i think your house should be hit by a mortar" "my honest reaction to this information" picture of storm shadow
me: blocks
At night while everyone is asleep nasty vile enemy launched missiles at residential buildings
ruzzian"soldiers"struck critical infrastructure in Lviv early in the morning on July 6
36 people injured 5 dead
russia is a terrorist state
Summer rain in Kharkiv today! 🇺🇦
Golden Gate at night, Kyiv, UKRAINE
Reading Ewa Thompson and I have one question (one that I’ve asked before but), people, who are reading and loving (?!) russian literature, are doing it with their ass?
I believe Westerners and Ukrainians are actually talking about two different things in the context of this matter (Can you enjoy~celebrate Russian literature, and at the same time condemn Russian imperialism/Russia's invasion of Ukraine? to which Ukrainians would answer No, and many Westerners Yes), so they don't simply disagree with each other but they don't even understand what the other is actually saying.
When a Westerner is like "Dostojewski is awesome, but Russia is bad" they're thinking it's a matter of two disconnected feelings. On the one hand they find a certain product of Russian culture valuable in some way, on the other hand they also think that war and torture and kidnapping children etc. is bad and Russia is bad for doing these things. It's not a contradiction for them, it's just not mutually exclusive, so they don't see the problem.
I do actually understand their perspective if you look at it on such a superficial level, without any other, deeper considerations (which Westerners have the luxury of doing, Ukrainians don't). Yes, a certain poem or whatever, by a Russian author, can be well-written and smart or deep etc. Of course not every single thing that a Russian brain comes up with is automatically bad in every way because it was a Russian who made it. I have encountered a few Russian songs for example of which I think "damn, that's actually a good song" (and I don't listen to them anyway, or don't even mention it, reasons below). And that's where the whole line of argument ends for Westerners, so they find Ukrainians crazy for denying this. But actually they don't.
Actually it's even the opposite. Ukrainians know much more about Russian culture, and have been exposed to more and in deeper ways to products of it, than any Westerner. They know many more good Russian books (actually good or just the kind that they used to like for some reason or another) or plays or songs than Westerners, and they might even have built [positive, originally] emotional relationships with some of those because they grew up with them and nostalgia is a bitch.
This is just not the point. The point is...
1) You can't separate the art from the artist because the art is literally an external manifestation of the artist. That's what art is. If you can't separate the art from the artist, then celebrating the art makes you by extension celebrate the artist. And you can't change that by contradicting comments, like saying that you don't see it that way so it's fine. If I tell you I can fly so it's no problem to jump off that bridge, that doesn't change the fact that I'll die if I'd do it, and every reasonable person knows that, no matter what I proclaim why I'm special.
And fact is that the vast majority of Russian artists very much shared/share exactly those parts of Russia's culture that made this war happen and keeps it going. So by validating them you automatically validate what they stood or are standing for, imperialism, fascism, 'Russian superiority' etc.
2) Another important factor here is a practical one. Regardless of who this Russian artist is and what you're thinking about them, you do support Russia one way or another by consuming or commenting on Russian culture, no matter if that's intentional or 'accidental' (can't really be accidental anymore at this point where everybody should be aware of this fact, but anyway). Be it directly by paying money to buy or see this piece of Russian culture and possibly encouraging others to do the same, or indirectly by advocating for Russia.
And you do inherently do that by defending Russian art, whether you want to or not, pragmatically speaking, that's the real world effect. Russia is terrorizing Europe for centuries and currently trying to annihilate a whole nation. If you choose to focus in your thinking or communication on its 'positive sides', or what you're judging as those, you're actively setting a 'counter-weight' to its crimes and atrocities and genocidal attitudes. Like... okay on the one hand they're fascists who torture kids, but on the other hand they're also fine writers. This kind of argument just automatically gives off the impression that one thing would be a defense for the other. As if you could weigh these things against one another (and possibly end up in a state of balance, so it's actually okay?!) It's not and you can't, and it doesn't matter if you personally agree with it, that's a message that you send. You're supporting Russian propaganda this way, giving certain desirable (by Russia) aspects more room in the public discourse while distracting from other undesirable ones, which are the ones that matter much more.
If you're actually on the side of the victims, you don't want to do that. And you choose to use your limited time and energy on advocating for them, not for the aggressor. There's great Ukrainian art too, you know...
“children live here”... “people”... “people here”... “children”... “people and children”...
these are inscriptions on the walls and fence gates of Ukrainian houses. mostly destroyed ones.
This is really a very common thing in villages near the frontline. Those villages are at least partially destroyed and mostly abandoned, you can't tell from looking at a house if someone lives there (if it's not entirely destroyed of course then certainly no), and considering the environment you automatically assume that all the buildings there are abandoned.
So the few people who still live there write (most commonly) "Люди" = People on their gates or fences in order to indicate that this house is not abandoned but someone still lives there.
You see it everywhere along the Front, in literally every single village there are a few houses like this.
There is no anxiety like when you write ‘How are you?’ to a friend from a city that got hit by russian missiles at night - and desperately wait for an answer.
There is no joy like when you receive ‘I’m okay, but it was close’ from them.
And there is no grief like when you never get an answer.
I haven’t experienced that kind of grief… but if we don’t get all the weapons to protect ourselves we’re asking for, it’s only a matter of time before this grief comes into my life.
Or it will be me who never answers.
Yeah, so my second night in the normal world and it looks like this:
I almost didn't notice anything though and was even still joking last night. In the middle of the night I wake up, seemingly for no reason, K. is awake, I say "I had a crazy dream. I just woke up from it. I dreamed there was a missile strike somewhere close to me" and K. says "There were 3 explosions, air defense is working". My brain must've turned the sound into actual hits in my dream. So anyway, a 4th explosion and I'm saying "Jeez that's loud, must be really close to us" and K. says "The other 3 were like this too but you just slept through them". And I'm like "The house isn't even shaking or anything, no problem" and turn around and instantly fall asleep again. Now I just woke up and see there was a hit afterwards. But I slept through that too.
The same thing happened to me last time I left the front, after the counteroffensive, in October. I'm just back for two days or so, standing on the balcony of a high rise building smoking, 11th floor, when suddenly a massive bang out of nowhere (hypersonic missile, otherwise you can hear them coming) so close, the windows of the building across the street shatter, I can feel the shockwave, throw myself to the ground and I'm thinking "Noooooooo, I. NEED. A. FUCKING. BREAK!! Leavemethefuckalonewhaaaaaah!" and then *deepbreath* I grab my medic bag to go downstairs (via stairs because elevators are turned off in high rise buildings during missile strikes, that sucked) and check out the hit site for wounded and possibly assist with the rescue.
Anyway... So every time I'm on front leave basically it happened so far. You really can't have a break here. It's mentally really very stressful you know...
The Russians hit a high-rise building in Lviv with a Kalibr missile, Humenyuk
It can cover 2,500 km, so it actually covers the whole of Ukraine. According to her, Russia used 6 missile carriers with a total salvo of 36 missiles against Ukraine at night.
As a result of the attack, the 3rd and 4th floors in the two entrances of the building were destroyed, four people were killed, and 34 were injured.
Ukrainian writers Maksym Rylsky, Pavlo Tychyna, Petro Punch, and Volodymyr Sosiura helping rebuild Kyiv after the war, 1940s
You know how we like to jokingly talk about future historians studying memes to learn about major historical events? SUCHO (Saving Ukrainian Cultural Heritage Online) is collecting, cataloguing and archiving websites from/about Ukraine as well as memes about the war against Ukraine.
I learned about this because one of the biggest libraries in Germany, the Bayerische Staatsbibliothek, is working with them on this.
So yeah, that's happening.
No hands except for ours, nobody will avenge us, no one will stand up for us, our lives still aren't as important as the great russian culture and mysterious russian soul, both of those a westerner will be trying to save as if they were their own ass.
