An open letter to everyone who ever believed in me:
Yes, you. Even you who only had that spark of belief that maybe, just maybe. Even you who thought that I could be capable of so much more the first time you saw me, and slowly lost that belief somehow. Yes, you who thought of me, and what I could do, no matter how small, no matter if that is still true, even if it has faded away.
Most people say thank you last and maybe it’s nicer that way, to leave the reader a pleasant experience. I think it’s misleading. So like the calm before the storm, thank you. Thank you for believing in me, for thinking about me, for that hope you’ve shown, no matter how little. It doesn’t even matter if you said it, or if you just kept it in the back of your mind, or if you’ve forgotten. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you because somehow, I’ve thought of you, in a way, indirectly, or directly, whispering to myself in times I could not pick myself up, that somebody believes, and that somebody is you. So, thank you. Maybe you can understand how I feel, maybe this has happened to you, nevertheless, the gratitude I feel is immense.
Thank you for believing in me.
For the times that I’ve forgotten how capable I am, and about everything I have ever achieved, you were there to help me realize what I could do. For the times that I felt like pushing myself back because who am I, really, to lead this project, to undertake this mission, you were there to encourage me to at least try. You believed in me.
Thank you for believing in me.
And yet, there’s something missing.
Not words, nor hugs, not songs, nor smiles, not even money or rewards. What was missing was myself and everything I left behind when I detached myself from reality. I can no longer feel, I can no longer understand how it feels to believe. I know you want me to try but I never did, did I? I know you want me to succeed, but I know I never can. I know, in the back of your mind, somewhere, that you knew I could, but I never did. So eventually, you lost faith in me, you lost belief. Maybe you didn’t really, but you’ve forgotten what it’s like to watch me accomplish something. I’ve forgotten. I’ve sunken deep into my own pity and misery I think it’s too late to climb back up. No encouragements will help me get through this.
How can I pick myself up with your words and your thoughts? They never mattered. They stopped mattering when I refused to pick myself up. I’m sorry, I’ve failed you.
This should have been entitled, “An Open Letter to the Ones I’ve Disappointed” because everyone who has ever believed in me has been left disappointed.
But don’t worry, you can forget about me. No explanations needed. If you choose to leave, I will understand. I promise. I’ve understood.
You can rub this off as insignificant, rub this off like you didn’t read anything. Actually, I’d very much like you to forget about me and everything I could do. Let me be. I am responsible for my own doing. So forget about believing in me. It’s destructive. It’s broken both me and my confidence, both you and your trust. Forget. It’s such a bitter word, but it feels better after.
Lastly, I can make no more promises. I will not promise to better myself. I think I am way past that point. I can make no promises to fulfill your beliefs of me, of my capabilities, and of achieving something. I make no promises to lighten your heart. I make no promises to leave you happy. I cannot make these promises for I see no point in saying them, and believing I’ll actually do them. I cannot see the future, and I cannot guarantee what I’ll do.
I’ve broken so many beliefs in me that I have become determined to cease to make any more broken by breaking everything existing. So make no more encouragements, make no more smiles and pats in my back and I promise that this will be the last thing I do that will hurt you.
theartofmadeline
stormborns
areudirty
kaledo-art
