Feeling really overwhelmed and depressed right now so I just needed to get some stuff down on, so to speak, āpaperā to maybe help clear my head or at least work through some things...so without further ado hereās why Iām so god damn miserable lately.
Home: My home has started to feel like a prison. My greatest regret is having agreed to stay at this place for another year, though this was during a time in which I, in which life felt okay. I had a bed bug infestation a couple of months back, and while the exterminator has been through, and itās been weeks since Iāve seen one, Iāve been instilled with this sense of paranoia. This extreme discomfort within my own home. Phantom itches. A constant, never-ending fear; a sweat drop down my back feeling eerily like the crawling of a bug. It was a nightmare, truly, in which I wasnāt going to sleep until 6 ot 7AM no matter how tired I got because it felt like they were less active, less threatening then. It led to a difficulty sleeping. Even now, I live with this constant fear of it happening again, with each notice on my door of an exterminator visit, of a follow up, making me wonder if Iām going to have to suffer that again, how many times over the next year Iām going to have to deal with those feelings. I feel like the walls around me are so oppressing, I feel so much more comfortable outside rather than in, and Iām desperate, most nights, to simply find a reason to not be home, to not stay in. I wish leaving were easy. I wish that I werenāt contractually obligated to spend another year in a place that Iāve come to despise, that I believe is slowly killing me.
Friends: I absolutely adore the friends that I have. That, more than anything, is not to be misunderstood. If not for some of the people, the constants in my life, Iād likely long since be dead, a victim of my own unstable mind. But, I struggle, often, with the distance between myself and these friends. I find myself envious of the kinds of people who have friends who go out every week, the kinds of people who are always together, always enjoying one anotherās company. I despise the fact that every single time I see my friends, itās like an event. The fact that the sheer amount of distance, or that the circumstances of each of our lives, makes it so that spending time together infringes on the territory of a gathering or an event or a celebration rather than simply seeing each other for the sake of just...seeing each other. Itās also why I randomly reach out to people I used to know, people I used to be close with; because Iām so desperate for new connections, new distractions, as if I feel myself becoming, slowly, a burden to everyone who loves me. So I look for new(old) people to keep me busy, because if Iām not distracted, Iām clawing at my insides. Because I need to always at least be talking to someone, if not seeing them, and I feel as if everyoneās busy, or distracted, or Iām just bothering them, so I try not to impose on the friends that matter most to me.
Work: I love my job, but I also fucking hate it. I love what I do, but I hate who I do it for. The problem is that thereās a ceiling, and itās not that Iāve hit it, nor do I feel like I have, but moreso like...the investment required to touch that ceiling is far, far more than I had ever considered having to invest. I adore my peers, I adore my client, and I know that my local management does their best to make it as good as they can for the most of us - for that, for them, I am thankful. But it feels like thereās this giant, menacing monster called ācorporateā that doesnāt want me - or, for that matter, anyone - to succeed. In recent weeks, many people Iāve worked with for years have announced their resignations, having found better, more promising work in the same area. And itās led me to wonder if perhaps thatās what Iāll need to do to find my own personal success, to simply leave. Some days I feel happy here. Others I feel as if this place is impeding me, as if itās keeping me from reaching forward and grasping at a happier, more sustainable, more worthwhile life...and I struggle with that, with what decision I should be making.
Finance: I do an absolutely terrible job with handling my money. Part of this is kindness; I am, for the most part, always willing to make personal sacrifice, monetary or not, for the happiness of my friends. I like spoiling the people around me. I like knowing that Iāve made people smile, and sometimes, I forget to keep track of how much Iām actually doing. Another part is that, when I feel depressed, suicidal, one of the things that can cheer me up is frivolity, like going and buying a random thing just because I could, because I felt like it. Because of that, a culmination of circumstances, Iāve failed to pay my rent and while Iāve gotten caught up now, and while Iāve sworn to myself that I would fix it moving forward...I have a hearing with the rental board later this week in which I might be evicted. Iāve been hiding it from my family, and I canāt really tell why. Part of me is ashamed, that Iāve fucked up this bad and I want to hide that shame, pretend it never happened if all goes well. The other part of it is, I suppose, pride. I donāt want to seem as if I need - or, even, to accept - my familyās help, should they offer it. I want to be able to stop, I want to be stable, but I find it so damn difficult to do that...and I can only hope that one day, itāll all come together.
Love: I miss my ex. Not in the sense that I want her, or that I would take her back, or that Iād live through any of that again. But I miss being with someone, I miss having someone. I miss cuddles. I miss kisses. I miss feeling the absolute safety and comfort that there is in having someone to be with, to spend nights with. Not to mention that my heart is currently...ensnared, though that might not be the wrong word. That Iām so hopelessly tired up in feelings that only make things complicated...and I wish, at the very least, there were someone to casually spend time with and adore and lose myself within without the idea or fear of commitment. I tire of this loneliness, and this all ties back to the friend thing where I just always feel so by myself, so isolated, so...worth/valueless in the eyes of others. It feels as though, were I to discard the love that I have presently, there isnāt even any potential surrounding me to indulge in, and that terrifies me. Iāve always been a poet, a romantic, and a hopeless one at that. I live for the idea of romance, of love and perfection and just...going on a year of being single, and not much in between, after having spent so much time with someone, and not having spent much time alone even before that...itās overwhelming, consuming in its own way.
General Feeling: Adding all these things on top of one another, I feel rather hopeless, rather dreadful most days. I laugh along with the jokes in regards to something like Pokemon Go and getting hit by cars, for example, but...if Iām being completely honest, I donāt quite look while crossing the street when Iām playing, either. Not for lack of awareness, but moreso for lack of caring. Because if I were to get hit and die, I wouldnāt care. People always talk about the āsurvival instinct,ā about how if we were in a situation in which we were going to die, we would do everything in our power not to and, quite frankly, mine might very well be malfunctioning. I just want to die. Iām tired of the sadness. Iām tired of the loneliness. Iām tired of being uncomfortable in my own surroundings; Iām tired of life in general. And while I would never kill myself, either out of cowardice or fear for hurting those I love, I definitely wouldnāt object to the idea of death. Most days I find myself wishing for some unfortunate circumstance to befall me. Random accident. I find events like mass shootings in the states tragic and unfortunate but some part of me is envious of the victims because theyāve left this horrid, disgusting world behind. And I recognize how despicable those feelings are, donāt misunderstand, Iām nowhere near that far gone in my sanity...but still. I spend more time wishing for death than the average person probably does fearing it.
Fearlessness?: Though, if I had to name one āboonā to such a feeling, it would be that I have no worry of experiencing things that would stop people out of fear. I donāt mind leaving the house at midnight, experiencing a different kind of culture to this city I adore. I donāt mind climbing the mountain at 11 at night because Iām more captivated by the beauty than I am the fear of getting lost or of wildlife or of threat. While definitely not a good thing, it is some small, somewhat reassuring benefit to all of this. That at least before I decide that there is nothing left of value in this life, I do, at the very least, get to experience such beauty.
