a tooth out of line @burningatboth-ends - Tumblr Blog

I want to feel something. Like actually feel something instead of just mimicking the feelings of the people around you.

One of the things that they don’t tell you about having autism, or really just being a struggling adult in general, is how hard emotions are to both feel and to handle. I think the only emotions I actually have a handle on are hurt and loss. I hurt, all the time, and I’ve lost so many and so much, including myself. This isn’t a sob story, this is just a reflection on what I’m feeling, so I’m not gonna write out everything. But the one THING that I always feel is the anger that comes from hurting and loosing.

Joy is hard. Like, really hard. And love is even harder. I guess I’ve felt happiness. I smile, I laugh. My friends are awesome when they are there for me and I’m not focused on being jealous. Of who they’re with and how they have everything I’ve ever wanted but have never had. And I guess maybe that’s why it’s so hard to love.

I say it all the time, and I mean it. I love your company, I love your friendship and I sure as hell wouldn’t know what to do if I lost you. But love, in its truest form? I don’t know how to do that. How to be happy for someone, that they are happy. I’m HAPPY that you are HAPPY, but I’m still jealous about it.

And what about a partner? Everyone I’ve ever liked or dated, it’s been a mess. I don’t know how to be honest without acting like my truest self which is embarrassing. I’m obsessive, I’m possessive, I’m constantly upset and feel like I am owed something. And part of that is trauma, but part of that is ME just not getting the concepts of social interaction and what that means.

It’s like, any time I’ve felt truly happy, or any amount of excitement and joy, I completely let my guard down. I hate this word but I truly feel retarded. I’m so focused on feeling good or happy or whatever, that I’m not taking that extra moment to process things like body language or social cues or what someone’s saying. And then I mess up, and I get embarrassed, and I look like an asshole and feel like I can never talk to these people ever again because oh, Kelsey, not only is she a little off the wall she actually thought we liked her, or that she was involved, or she took everything I said out of context. And god forbid I flirt with anyone or even THINK that someone’s flirting back. Why would they?

Every quote, physical action, approach to life is a copied image of someone else. From a movie, like clueless, or from people that I know and see. I want to be a cool person. I always have. I want to be the cute girl with the winged eyeliner who’s a little mysterious.

But no, I’m the overly anxious girl, who’s okay at some things, who talks to much about stupid subjects, complains about work, goes to far and over reacts about everything.

And I just want to feel something. Something real, something genuine, something me. Other than loss or fear or hatred or jealousy or anger.

Who gets stressed out from being lonely?

I’m writing on here because who uses tumblr anymore, right? And I really need to express myself sober, and on a semi safe platform.

I’m lonely as absolute shit. I have great fucking friends and my job is fantastic but it seems like every other day a friend finds their soul mate or they get married or they meet someone worth while. All of my friends are either in serious relationships, working on serious relationships, married, engaged or happy in a friends with benefits situation. I am not.

Dating, meeting people, even being social without people that I know well, is extremely hard for me. I’m pretty damn outgoing but it’s a mixture of a few things. First, I’m terrified that I am going to say something wrong, or assume something that isn’t true. Am I going to bring up a sore subject? Am I going to talk to much or about the wrong things? How do you conversation, sober, with someone that you know nothing about?

Second, What is going to happen? Who’s going to pay? Are you going to make a “move” in which I won’t know how to respond, will I be in an uncomfortable situation I can’t escape? And that comes from past traumas.

I lost my virginity to a forced sexual encounter when I was 18 years old. I didn’t scream and yell because I didn’t realize exactly what was happening. Nobody helped me because they didn’t know. The people around didn’t know me all that well. I was NOT down. I was not okay with it.

I’ve been sexually assaulted a few times. I’ve been asleep in bed when an ex’s friend crawled into bed with me, initiated sexual contact and I didn’t know it wasn’t my ex until I turned around. That scared me for life. How did I not know? Why did I go along with it. And there are other times as well.

Another Ex, I guess you would call him the “big” one, and most recent, was terrible. Sex wise, relationship wise. I was constantly accused of ignoring him, he often times would yell at me about doing a drug I’ve been clean from for months at that time (I’m almost a year and a half clean and it was 3 years before that). He would refuse to do anything if we were drunk, and we were ALWAYS drunk. It was too awkward to be around him otherwise. His excuse was “he didn’t want to take advantage of me” when I was intoxicated. But sober? I HATE being intimate sober, at least recently. And he would guilt me, and take advantage of that guilt. He called me a nazi (he legit was concerned I was a white supremicist and of you know me you know how far from the truth that is), he left me at the Charlottesville unity concert with NO explanation, and didn’t return until almost 1 am to “pick me up”, calling me from random people’s facebooks, after I was supposed to be home to pick up my dad from the airport by 11:30. And the icing on the cake? When I was finally finally strong enough to break contact? He harassed me saying I was a liar, a fake. That my music taste was horrible, that I was (again) a nazi, and many many other mean things. So no wonder it’s hard right?

Then there’s my other ex, if you could call him that I’m not sure. Genuinely good kid, as far as I can tell now. There was NO trauma sexually. The relationship was health in that aspect. He liked me a lot until, well, he didn’t. I don’t know what happened but we drifted. We broke up. We still hung out and hooked up once. I still liked him a lot. I genuinely thought he was the one and I guess he saw me as something decent right now. He ended up back with his ex. I was heart broken. He works right next to me now. It’s okay, I’m completely okay with it.

Any who, moving on to point three. When I do LIKE someone, it’s always a friend. Someone I’m not super close to, someone I relatively admire, and someone who likes very similar things to what I like. It always happens. I can’t pick and choose. I always ruin the friendship. I always act like a dumbass.

I’m very picky in the people I would actually consider dating. They need to have a passion for something, preferably music or art or something along those lines. They have to like at least a few of the same genres of music as me. And they can’t be dealing with sobriety. Like alcohol sobriety. Reason being? I’m way too fucking passionate and into music to date someone who’s not. And that’s hard as shit to find. Like really hard. Like scary hard.

I’m physically attracted to people but more so attracted to how people are and then a physical attraction comes from that.

So yeah, I’m fucking lonely. I’ve never had a comfortable, good relationship. I’ve never truly felt loved. And I’m angry looking at peoples posts, people being happy, people being Fucking normal. And it’s not okay so I decided to write it out. Sorry for the rant.