Paranoia (ft. Jaehwan)
Part II
I don’t know how I got there but the next thing I knew, I was sitting on a bed in some cheap motel downtown, staring at a crack in the wall just above the top right corner of the wooden door with peeling, mint green paint. I don’t know how long I sat there, mind blank to try and dull the ache that your departure had caused, until the vibration of my phone pulled me out of my reverie.
A dimpled face stared up at me from my screen. Resigned, I swiped my finger across the screen to accept the call.
“What, Hongbin?”
“Noona, please.” His voice was desperate. “Why can’t you just trust hyung?”
“You know why, Kong.”
“He’s not like them, I swear! He’s way too busy with work to even think about cheating on you!”
“You think being busy with work means people can’t cheat?” My voice was bitter with memories of the past.
“Noona, please.” Hongbin obviously had no rebuttal for that. “Jaehwan hyung is hurting. He locked himself out on the balcony and even though the door is pretty soundproof, we can hear his wailing from inside. He’s never done this before.”
“What do you think I can do.” My voice was monotonous. “He was the one who broke up with me.”
“He was so excited to see you this morning, you know. Our vocal coach had to scold him three times for not paying attention and we all knew it was because he was thinking of you.”
Hearing this made my heart ache. Maybe you hadn’t cheated and I was being too paranoid.
“Hongbin, how do we move on from this?” I was desperate for an answer. I wanted you back, and it seemed like you were hurting as much as I was. The only problem now was convincing each other that being together was the best way forward.
“Noona, just tell him you’re sorry. Try to trust him a bit more.”
“Hongbin, who is that?” I could hear Hakyeon oppa’s voice in the background.
“It’s noona,” I heard Hongbin reply, voice distant like he was holding the phone away from him. He didn’t have to specify which noona - I was the only one hurting one of their own so much that he was wailing in pain.
“Give me the phone.” And then Hakyeon oppa was on the phone. “________-ah, please come over. Talk to him.”
“What am I supposed to say, oppa?” My voice was breaking at this point, tears threatening to spill over.
“Tell him you don’t really believe he would cheat on you.”
“I can’t lie to him.” My voice was a whisper.
“You… really think he cheated on you?” Hakyeon’s voice was slow with disbelief. “Why?”
“I… I don’t know.” I didn’t want to admit my insecurities.
“I can promise you that he has been nothing but faithful to you.” There was conviction in his voice, but I needed more than that to believe him.
“Why has he changed so much then?”
“What? How has he…” Hakyeon trailed off, and I was scared my worst fears were going to be confirmed even though he had just said that you had not cheated. “I think I know why.” I could hear the smile in his voice.
“Well?” I waited with baited breath. Was there really a valid, completely innocent reason that you were acting the way you were?
“I can’t tell you.”
“Why not?” It was getting frustrating. Why the secrecy?
“It’s not for me to tell. Jaehwan has a, uh, surprise for you.”
A surprise? “Hakyeon oppa, if you’re lying to protect him…”
“I’m not!” The leader’s voice was indignant. “What do you take me for?”
The question brought me to the airport, and I could hear your voice echoing, “What kind of man do you take me for?” My heart fell.
“I’m sorry.” My voice was back to being quiet as I got lost in my thoughts revolving around you.
“So will you come?” Hakyeon’s voice had a renewed vigour to it. “Come talk to him please.”
“I… I’ll come over.” That was as far as I was willing to commit to. I would get in a taxi and go to the address he sent in a text, but I wasn’t sure if I would have the courage to talk to you.
Reaching the apartment block, I thanked the driver and paid him, getting out of the car and surveying my surroundings before slowly making my way up to the dorm. I rang the bell, and saw Sanghyuk’s face for a split second on the intercom before he buzzed me in.
When I reached your dorm door, I didn’t have to knock; it swung open as I raised my fist, the two youngest members of the band greeting me with nervous smiles. I only nodded in reply; usually they would be hugging me and saying how much they missed their favourite noona, but today was different. There was a sombreness about the apartment, and it aptly fitted my mood walking in.
A silence cloaked the living room; I guessed you had stopped wailing, probably because your vocal chords couldn’t take it anymore. It had taken me close to 40 minutes to reach the dorm, my gut clenched the whole way.
“Where is he?” I asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the silence.
The two boys exchanged looks I couldn’t read and Hongbin pointed to a closed door. This was the first time I had been to their new dorm, so I assumed that was your room (or at least the room you shared with however many of the others) and walked to it.
It felt awkward standing outside with the two youngest watching me, so I turned my back to them and leaned sideways against the door. I thought of all the times the situation had been reversed, me behind a locked door, you banging on it to try and get me to talk to you. It was harder this time because I would have to be the one to initiate contact.
“_________…” Hakyeon walked into view from around the corner. “You’re here.” He pulled me into a tight hug, and I had to suppress a sob that was struggling to surface.
“Oppa, I can’t,” I whispered into his chest. “I can’t talk to him right now. It’s too hard.”
He pulled back, placing his hands on my shoulders and giving them a gentle squeeze, making me look up at him.
“You can do this. You have to. This time, it needs to be you who makes the move otherwise I don’t think your relationship will be able to survive.”
“But I-”
“Please just talk to him?” A thud from behind the door punctuated his question, both our heads whipping around to stare in its direction. “He’s hurting more than he ever has. This is the worst I’ve ever seen him.”
“It’s true, noona,” Hyuk chimed in. I had completely forgotten he and Hongbin were still standing behind me. “Every time you were suspicious of him before, he just took it in his stride because he knew he had done nothing wrong.”
“So you’re saying he has done something wrong now?”
“Pabo…” Hongbin smacked the back of Hyuk’s head. “That’s not what he meant, noona. This time is different because hyung has been preparing really hard and he had a surprise for you and you not trusting him just pushed him over the edge.”
“Preparing for what really hard?” I looked at the three of them. “Please tell me?”
“Like I said before, it’s not for us to tell.” Hakyeon turned me to face the door. “Talk to him. Clear the air.”
I heard the three of them shuffle away as I stared at the piece of wood, the only thing separating us as I tried to gather my courage to face you.
Jaehwan, I willed you, please forgive me. Please make all my doubts go away. Please fix the situation and be my hero like you always are.
A lone tear rolled down my face and I quickly wiped it away: I didn’t want your first view of me after our breakup (I hated calling it that) to be of me crying.
Steeling my nerves, I raised my fist and gave the door three hard raps - harder than I had intended, but I guess that’s what nerves do to you. I could see Hakyeon, Hongbin and Hyuk whispering to each other out of the corner of my eye - I guess they hadn’t gone very far - but before I could turn to give them a pointed look, the door flung open.
“I thought I told you guys to leave me a-” Your voice was harsh, hoarse, and there was a fire in your eyes, a wild look I hadn’t seen before. It subsided slightly when you saw it was me, and your tone softened considerably. “__________. What are you doing here?”
“Jaehwan, I…” I didn’t know what to say. I had tried rehearsing in the taxi on the way over, but every time I tried picturing this conversation I would come up blank. The events of the day suddenly seemed overwhelming and I didn’t want to do this - fight, break up, make up, whatever - anymore.
I turned to leave, but before I could take more than a step I felt your hand on my arm, halting me.
“__________…” your voice was almost pleading.
I closed my eyes, willing the tears to stay away but they wouldn’t listen.
“__________.” You repeated my name softly, sorry to see me cry. The tenderness in your voice struck a nerve in me and I felt more tears pool in my eyes.
“Jaehwan.” My own voice came out a whisper.
“Don’t go.” Your grip on my arm tightened, but not so much that it hurt. “Please.”
I nodded and you looked around to see if anyone else was there. I don’t know what you saw, since my gaze was trained on your collar bones that were peeking through your loose sweater, a focal point for me to concentrate on instead of thinking about how rocky our relationship was. You pulled me into the room and shut the door, letting go of my arm as you did so.
Author’s note:
Thank you anon for writing to tell me you enjoyed the first part :) All feedback is welcome and definitely encouraged guys! Hope this was to your liking as well.
I’ll try to get the next part of You Again up by the end of tomorrow, so till then…