#BYANYAN:ㅤan independent, private, & selective original character, created & written by grey (32, they/them, pst). established on jan. 24th, 2021.
ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ✧ ∘ ˚ heavily affiliated with cafesol && nightingeal.
ㅤa study in not being sure where your trauma ends and your personality begins, emotions that all seem to come out as anger, rebelling through self expression because it's all you have, the comfort found in self destruction, unlearning all the harmful things you grew up being told about yourself, and learning to love yourself and others.
ACTIVITY NOTICE.ㅤi am slow and inconsistent with both replies and dms. this has nothing to do with you or how excited i am to write with you — i am neurodivergent and depressed, deep in autistic burnout and prone to hyperfixating on things outside of rp. right now, i'm focused more on taking care of and improving my mental health and trying to pressure myself less over what is, ultimately, just a hobby. i'll be sporadic about my activity and thank you all for your continued patience with me. ♡
What a night. The forecast had mentioned incoming weather, but the red cell currently hanging over the city must have only developed in the last half hour. With how old the small chapel was, the power flickering and going out came as no surprise, but it took Anderson only a moment to find a box of matches to light the altar's candles with.
The sound of the door was indeed lost to the noise outside, but the rumble of thunder that rattled the stained glass windows drew his attention back across the pews, where he finally saw the soaked teen as they slid into one at the very back.
After a few seconds of watching to see if anyone else was coming in, Anderson ducked through a side door to where the amenities were. He couldn’t offer them a hot drink with the power out, but he could at least find them something to dry off with.
A moment later he returned and made his way down the aisle with a towel in hand, flickers of lightning reflecting off his glasses.
“You can always sit further up front,” he offered, holding out the towel once he got close enough. “You don't have to sit back here in the dark.”
ㅤaw fuck. goddammit. footsteps. they'd grown more distant first, but now they became louder. he was approaching them. fucking shit. hoping against hope that he was coming back to look for something or to leave or anything other than to speak to them, byan kept their head bowed and continued rummaging through their soaked backpack.
ㅤㅤ—and then, the dreaded sound of a voice over the rumble of thunder. as if the night couldn't get any fucking worse.
lips pressed into a firm line, the fledgling reluctantly lifted their head. sweeping their waterlogged hair out of their face with one hand, dark eyes flitted up the man's impossibly tall height to his face. then back down to the towel he held out. seeing him up close, the way the lightning flashed off his glasses... it made the hair on the back of their neck stand up.
ㅤㅤ" ...didn't wanna interrupt. "ㅤhaphazard excuse mumbled out, there was another moment of hesitation before they reached out to accept the towel. tempted as they were to start drying off their face and hair, they couldn't bring themself to allow for even the briefest moment where their attention was anywhere but the stranger currently looming over them.
ㅤㅤ" churches ain't really my kinda place, jus' needed t' get outta the rain. i'll be outta here once it clears up. "
the comprehensive byan pride month post(s) ♡ (part one)
the tl;dr of it is that byan is, of course, nonbinary (using exclusively they/them pronouns) and pansexual. however, they have a lot of history on how they came to these conclusions and with exploring their identity and sexuality, and that's what this post exists for: to provide a lot of that background information for anyone who wants to understand byan as a character a little bit more.
navigation: gender identity: history. gender identity: details & tidbits. sexual orientation.
gender identity: history.
(content warning for experiences of transphobia, bullying, child abuse, substance abuse, self harm, assault, murder, sexual harassment, and sexual assault. nothing is gone into in detail, but the themes & mentions of these topics are present.)
byan is amab (assigned male at birth) and their given name is yeong-hwan — a masculine korean name. given that their sex at birth was male, they were raised and treated as a boy for 95% of their life.
from a young age, they felt a certain discomfort with the label of boy, though it was a long time before they were able to verbalize this. all throughout childhood, they gravitated more toward things that were "for girls" — toys, clothing, media, etc. while they always struggled to make friends, those that they did make tended to be girls.
as so much of their life was them being bounced from one foster home to another to another to another and so on, there were varying levels of support depending on where they were. some foster parents would allow them to wear the clothes they wanted to and play with the toys they wanted to, but there were others who were very adamant that boys only wear boy clothes and play with boy toys. going into a new home, byan never knew what would and wouldn't be okay — what they would and wouldn't get in trouble for. this led to a fear of expressing what they really wanted, one which grew even more sharply after experiences in abusive households.
the one thing, aside from clothing, which byan always envied the most about girls was their hair. they had so much more freedom when it came to length and style than boys did, and it quickly became a goal to grow theirs out so they could wear all the same cute hairstyles. the problem was that although foster parents in more supportive homes would allow this, those less so were much less tolerant. viewed as unkempt for their shaggy look, they would be forced into a barber's chair and have all of their progress removed. over and over and over again this would happen until they finally had enough and started biting barbers and hairdressers out of desperation.
the teasing from other children began with the start of byan's school life. their bold declaration of pink being their favourite colour, along with openly talking about a lot of their favourite things (and many of those things being considered "for girls") was something they were quickly made fun of and shamed for — not necessarily by kids intending to do harm, but by the strict "boys things are for boys and girls things are for girls" mentality that so many of them had been raised with. this teasing would morph into bullying over the years, becoming more malicious as they were intentionally singled out for being "weird".
by age 7, byan submitted to the fear of being different instilled in them by foster parents, teachers, classmates, and society at large. they became quietly compliant, bending to what everyone expected them to be in an effort to gain favour — they wore boy's clothes, engaged in boy activities, and allowed their hair to be cut if it would result in them being accepted somewhere. anywhere.
at age 10, after an incident with a boy who bullied them which ended with him going to the hospital and them being expelled, byan saw an opportunity to reinvent themself at their new school. thus, the nickname byan was born — created by pulling the 'by' from their surname byun and the 'an' from yeong-hwan. though they didn't have the terminology for it at the time, the thing they liked most about this name was that it was gender neutral. they also started wearing girls tops again occasionally, something which slowly made the students at their new school less afraid of them and eventually brought forth a resurgence in bullying.
by age 13, byan had been through hell and, in a desperate attempt to hate their life at least a little bit less, they said fuck it and finally made the choice to embrace their differences. thanks to the internet, they'd learned a lot more about things like gender identity, had found that they weren't so alone in not identifying with the gender they were assigned based on their sex. drawn to the label of nonbinary, they began using they/them pronouns and insisting on their use by those around them. no longer willing to suppress themself, they also began exclusively wearing feminine clothing. their outfits were now very cute, very kawaii-core, and all very bright and pastel colours. they rarely wore pants in this time too, stubbornly refusing to wear anything but skirts or, on occasion, cute shorts. they also finally started growing their hair out for real — this was where biting hairdressers, as well as getting physical with foster parents who tried to insist upon haircuts, began.
though their gender identity, or rather the treatment they received because of their gender identity, was not the sole reason for their declining mental health in their early teen years, it was certainly part of it. this decline resulted in them falling in with bad crowds, beginning their drug use, their smoking habit, and their hobbies of vandalism and street art. it also exacerbated their shoplifting habits and kickstarted their self harm in the form of cutting as well as substance abuse.
by the time they were 14, byan had experienced a great deal of abuse over their gender identity — verbal, emotional, and physical, the worst of which always being physical. there were many instances of them being physically assaulted in the boy's changing room and bathroom, several foster parents (mostly fathers) who would beat them and one who even tried to kill them, and a handful of encounters with men on the street who would harass them verbally, sometimes going so far as to attack them. in one of these instances with a stranger, he was actively trying to kill them. this resulted in them killing him for their own survival.
(cw here for sexual harassment & assault) similarly... byan is no stranger to sexual harassment due to their identity and the way they present themself. they have also experienced assault to varying degrees. boys at school, strange men in clubs and on the street, and even one foster sister's boyfriend — men and boys have taken advantage of them and made them uncomfortable largely in part because of the way they present.
over the next few years, byan would grow more sure of themself and more comfortable in their gender identity, leading to them experimenting more and beginning to introduce more punky aesthetics into their fashion — things which lean a little more masculine than they previously felt comfortable with. from age 15 or 16 and well into their twenties, byan's style is heavily inspired by harajuku fashion and asian streetwear, holding a lot of kawaii, punk, emo, yamikawaii, and pastel goth influences.
support and acceptance from others is not something byan ever had much of in their early life, but it's something that changed late into their high school years as they slowly started to find their people. knowing how much of a difference having just one or two consistent presences would have made in their earlier life, byan starts to do a lot of volunteer work in their 20s at local lgbtqia+ youth centers and groups. if they can make that difference in a kid's life that they didn't get, if they can be the understanding and supportive person in a kid's life that they wish they'd had... they want to be. kids deserve that.
Indie, semi-selective, Vampire: the Masquerade OC. Very OC, multi, and crossover friendly. Uses video game, live action, and manga RP icons. Dark themes present!
Established 2021, rebooted 2026. Written and directed by Rosario!
every time i get close to someone i feel like a stray dog trying to live in a house. like i don’t know where to put my body or how loud i’m allowed to be.
last thing i googled: is an a4 binder bigger than an a5 (i am finally trying to properly organize my bts album inserts ok shhh)
favorite musician: bts, agust d, & twenty one pilots
song stuck in my head: aliens by bts
other blogs: @lctibule (my multimuse w/ 2 ocs and a small, weird collection of canons)
do i get asks: yes bc my mutuals are all v lovely n sweet ♡
following: ...damn, 404 bc i never really clear out inactive or archived blogs lmao
amount of sleep: depending on depression levels it's usually somewhere between 6-7 hours or it's like 10+ hours
lucky number: 13
what i’m wearing: sweatpants, jurassic park t shirt, twenty one pilots bandito hoodie
dream job: man, idek anymore... something art or animation related or something that involves working with animals
dream trip: japannnnnn, there's literally so much i want to see & do there
favorite food: pizza is my ultimate comfort/safe food. also really love shahi paneer, tuna sashimi, and spinach & feta cannelloni
play any instruments: i played flute for several years in my junior high band... dabbled with keyboard & tenor sax but never got very far with either
languages: english, beginner-intermediate japanese, beginner korean. ...i really need to get back to learning both tbh, i miss it
favorite songs: car radio by twenty one pilots. burn it (feat. max) by agust d. too many bts songs to list (idol, ugh!, mic drop, fire, spine breaker, cypher 4 I COULD GO ON BUT I SHAN'T)
random fact: i've had a lot of different pets throughout my life... dogs, cats, fish, degus, a rabbit, a hermit crab, and rats. somehow never a bird or reptile despite really wanting both.
describe yourself as aesthetic things: a cozy night inside while rain patters against the window, oversized hoodies, cuddling on the couch with your pet, a collection of keychains tied to your favourite things hanging from your bag... idk man i'm bad at this!!!
ㅤnothing pissed them off more than men overreacting and feeling entitled to take their aggression out on someone over an accident. shaking some of the blood from their fist, byan remained poised and ready to pounce, sharp gaze fixed on the motherfucker to await his reaction. the woman moving to put them between her and her aggressor didn't bother them — if anything, it saved them from having to worry about accidentally hurting her.
ㅤㅤ" the fuck y'think you're doin', dickhole? 're ya really that fuckin' sensitive? "ㅤwith a scoff, byan brandished one of their many knives from their pocket, pointing it squarely at the man as an obvious threat.ㅤ" it was an accident. an', if anythin', she didja a damn favour by ruinin' that hideous shirt. betcha got a whole closet full'a identical bullshit anyway, so unless y'wanna get stabbed over it, y'better— "
that was all it took. figures. another wave of their blade and the man slunk away like the pathetic filth he was. with a huff of satisfaction, the teen finally turned to acknowledge the stranger's gratitude.
ㅤㅤ" don't worry 'bout it. someone's gotta put dogs like him in their place. —you okay? "
@icyroars asked:ㅤ[ TXT ] : did i do something wrong?
1-800 (HIT MY LINE)ㅤㅤ∘ ˚ ( accepting )
[sms: sword guy]:ㅤ??
[sms: sword guy]:ㅤmaybe im just an asshole
[sms: sword guy]:ㅤisn't that like a trope or smth?
[sms: sword guy]:ㅤeccentric artist is mean n shitty but they get away w it bc theyre good at wat they do?
[sms: sword guy]:ㅤmaybe thats me. u dont kno.
[sms: sword guy]:ㅤsays a lot about a person yk?
[sms: sword guy]:ㅤweather they leep 2 the assumtion that they did smth wrong
[sms: sword guy]:ㅤor if they assume the other person is just a fuckin bitch
[sms: snowball]:ㅤgurl im always bold tf?
[sms: snowball]:ㅤ...guess i hav been a lil extra spicy today
[sms: snowball]:ㅤi becum a diffrent person wen i get my nails dun wut can i say?
[sms: snowball]:ㅤv powerful feelin 2 hav the claws i wuz always ment 2
[sms: snowball]:ㅤi wanna scratch sumone's eyes out ( • ̀ω•́ )
@egosthrall asked:ㅤ[ TXT ] : [ LINK ] … this reminded me of you.
1-800 (HIT MY LINE)ㅤㅤ∘ ˚ ( accepting )
[sms: fuckass]:ㅤdid u kno rabbits can bite all the way 2 bone
[sms: fuckass]:ㅤcan sever nerves n tendons
[sms: fuckass]:ㅤtotally fuck up ur hands n shit
[sms: fuckass]:ㅤjust smth 2 keep in mind :)
“ you live your entire life chasing after attention & food . ”
“ how could you betray me like this ?? after all i’ve done for you . ”
“ i would chop off my left arm for you . ”
“ there are things in life that matter more than food . ”
“ can you not be chaotic for five minutes ?? ”
“ you are literally crazy . ”
“ you’re lucky you’re cute . ”
“ instead of a bladder of steel , you have a bladder of fucking paper . ”
“ don’t give me that look !! ”
“ stop looking at me with those big ol’ eyes . ”
“ do you really have to stare at me while i’m changing ?? ”
“ at least someone around here is happy to see me . ”
“ it’s rude to lick someone without permission . ”
“ one of these days , you’re gonna give me a fucking heart attack . ”
“ your brain is probably smaller than my fist . i love you . ”
“ every time i see you i suddenly remember that life is worth living . ”
“ your little baby sneeze just cured my depression . ”
“ you are my only source of serotonin at this point . ”
“ see , you know you’re cute . that’s the problem . you’re too powerful . ”
“ i trust that you would bite the ankles of my enemies . ”
“ i know you don’t like being picked up , but you are so small . you don’t have rights . ”
“ what ?? no ‘ bless you ? ’ i’ll remember that . ”
“ you’re being too quiet … what have you done ? ”
“ it’s amazing how you make everything 100 times better just by existing . ”
“ i love you more than anyone has ever loved anything in this entire world . ”
“ i am starting to think you might be gay . ”
“ if anyone is ever mean to you , i will break all of their fingers individually . ”
