action/reaction

jay/ they them

[c4mpbutch]

Moving out! FINGERS CROSSED. Signing a tenancy agreement later today on a 1-bed place. In just over a year I've gone from feeling like life was ending. The end of a 7 year relationship with the other parent of my child. Moved out and in with a friend and their two kids. And now I'm moving out again, this time into a small flat with a little garden that will be just OURS. That is, mine, my kid's, and my partner's. After this place, hopefully I'll be in a position to rent a place where kiddo can have their own bedroom, but for now i'll soak up these extra months of night time cuddles and extra close proximity. My partner will live there 2-3 days a week, my kid 3-4 days a week, and I'll be there full time for the most part, but also stay over at my partner's with them and their two wonderful kids, too, sometimes. We're doing it. Viewed the place this morning and it felt so right. Nothing grand but it can be a home for sure. So excited for us to all put our touches on it, pick out some 2nd hand furniture and put up some art n photos. Maybe a trampoline in the garden for kiddo. A safe, stable, calm, love-filled, blendy home. Here we go.

[c4mpbutch]

At my partner's house cat sitting while they are away on holiday with their kids and husband. So cosy and lovely to be here while I'm missing them. I feel closer somehow. We celebrated 8 months since our first date yesterday and are continuing to slowly build up spending time together with our kids, which is going beautifully. I am so in love. So loved.

20/8/24

[c4mpbutch]

[c4mpbutch]

Scanning film in my room after a gorgeous day with my partner just talking laughing enjoying each other and swimming in the sea.

25/6/24

[c4mpbutch]

Very, very, very over the moon happy to love and be loved by you.

[c4mpbutch]

Picked up my first pair of glasses today. A relief - I hadn't realised how much my vision had changed until getting to see properly today.

Other than that, not much to update. I'm just very happy. Very in love. Very proud of my kid. Very much liking the little life I'm building for myself.

[c4mpbutch]

Heading to Cologne, Germany via coach tonight to visit my friend on the 6 year anniversary of us meeting. Had a nice soak in the bath just now to feel some feelings and just flop for a bit. So emotional today after a beautiful morning with my partner who just sees and loves me so incredibly. Absolutely ridiculously over the moon happy. Not just because of them, but that's a huge fucking part of it. I've grown into myself so well these past 6 months and I just really enjoy being me and living the life I have with my kid, my friends, my partner, here in Brighton, learning to love myself better and heal from so much self-sabotage and shame i've held onto so deeply for so long. Testosterone helps, too ;-)

5/4/24

[c4mpbutch]

home in Cumbria for the week. as always when i first arrive here, i'm just so fucking tired. want to crash out for a few days (but parenthood..). Mum has kiddo at her work for two hours now so I can have my therapy session shortly, with a bit of time after to recover.

28/3/24

[c4mpbutch]

Spot patches on ahead of my date tonight. Getting set up scanning film in the living room.

A lot has changed since I last wrote anything. Reuben ended our (romantic) relationship back in August. I was absolutely devastated. We carried on living together as a family of three (plus a lodger, in our 2 bed flat) but it got too hard and we all needed some space. First we rented a room up the road to try 'nest parenting' but that seemed to be unsettling for kiddo despite it seeming to be the most gentle approach. Two weeks ago, I moved out instead. Moved in with my friend MJ and their two kids. All three of our kids live with us 50% of the time. MJ's oldest is my kid's best friend. The five of us in a 2-bed flat can be chaotic but mostly it's been so healing. My kid seems so much more settled and oh my god I'm so much happier. I miss Reuben very much, but hopefully our co-parenting relationship will grow to a place where spending more time together as the three of us will be a big part of life again. For now, time and space feel necessary to adjust and recover and find our feet in our new routines and so on.

I went on a date back in December just to "put myself out there" and remind myself that someone might be interested in me too, and get used to the idea of me and Reuben dating other people. Absolutely wasn't looking for a relationship, and neither was the other person. Three months on... it's turned into such a beautiful relationship. I've never felt so free and independent in a relationship. I'm not anxious, I trust they mean what they say, I feel more secure than I ever have. It is such a grounding relationship. I've really grown into myself these past 7 months and it's so special to be able to share that growth with someone so gentle and communicative and just so fucking wonderful to be around. This relationship is my first step in the direction of non-monogamy, though both of us had already decided separately that we aren't interesting in actively looking for anything else right now. The option is there, and the ethos of it is something we both feel resonance with, but spending a good amount of our coinciding child-free time together (they have 2 kids!) is the priority. They met my kid this week, briefly and as a friend, and I'll be meeting their kids in a similar way soon too. Big steps, when I think about it, but it feels very right and calm and good.

[c4mpbutch]

pre-therapy

11/1/24

[c4mpbutch]

12/12/23

[c4mpbutch]

18/11/23

very almost 5 months on T

[c4mpbutch]

october 31st, 2023 (4 months + 1 week on T)

[c4mpbutch]

21/8/23 everything is pretty terrible.

[c4mpbutch]

Home from camping with Rainbow Families (lgbtqia+ family network), plus a few extra days just the three of us. Time for endless tidying and laundry loads until Reuben's brother arrives, followed by my parents arriving this evening ready for my graduation on friday!

26/7/23

[c4mpbutch]

Having an off day or two. Trying to build up to getting back out of bed and giving the day another go.

19/7/23

[c4mpbutch]

Nebido is being so good to me. Feeling really good on it so far. Things are changing quicker than I expected (body hair, bottom growth, mood swings seem more levelled out, voice is deepening, and i could swear my face is changing a bit already?) but it's much less scary than I was expecting.

Had an appt w a mental health nurse today about adhd and c-ptsd and can't wait for the next one, honestly, she was SO GOOD, so fucking helpful and so many things just CLICKED for me.

17/7/23