Cabin Potter

Hermione, we have a complaint.

[hereisthepointyend]

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 14/?

[cabinpotter]

“Happy Christmas, gentlemen followers. I hope God gives you a restful and merry one, and doesn’t accidentally shut you in a flying cupboard with a pair of idiots.”

- First Officer Douglas Richardson (more or less)

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 45/?

Ah, gentlemen. Oh dear. What? »It’s always trouble when we’re ‘gentlemen’. I prefer it when we’re ‘imbeciles’.« Or ‘dolts’. »‘Dolts’ is good, yes.«

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 44/?

Look, Granger, you cannot penalise me for taking a rational command decision based on reasonable school safety concerns! Yes I can. Well, technically you can, but … Good! Then technically I will. Now, please, go and be somewhere else. »Well done, sir. That’s her told.«

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 43/?

Your attention please. This is an important message for all students hoping to study Divination. Raise your ambitions.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 42/?

Neville, describe to me exactly what happened when you left the common room. OK. Wow, this is brilliant! It’s not brilliant! It’s a bit brilliant. Can I tell you in my own words? »Who else’s words had you planned to use?«

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 41/?

Oh, honestly, Ron. It’s not a big deal. Well, in fact, it is a bit, because it’s important to me that we spend time together … Oh, don’t. … because I love you. Yes. So you keep saying. I do, don’t I? Yes. Yes, and I wish you wouldn’t. It makes you sound like a Disney toy. Actually, Disney didn’t come up with the concept of expressing love. Other people have found it important as well. Well, who? Most of humanity.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 40/?

Wow! It’s an actual castle! What did you expect Hogwarts Castle to be? I dunno. World of Leather was very disappointing.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 39/?

Where is this Qikiqtarryjack? Are you referring to Qikiqtarjuaq? You’re really proud of yourself for having learned to say that, aren’t you? Yes. Also, it’s rather pleasing to say ‘Qikiqtarjuaq’. Anyway, it’s in Canada.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 38/?

So: how good a Quidditch player would you say you are, on a scale from one to ten? For instance, I would say I am a six. Right, okay. Er, w-well, I’m confident … er, but I’m not over-confident, so, um … five? Five? No, no, too low, obviously. But, you know, I don’t want to say I’m a better Quidditch player than you because … because I’m not – I shouldn’t think. You might be. I “might be”. Er, well, eight. Eight … eight’s too high. Is it? Nine and ten are definitely out. As I say, I’m not over-confident. You don’t sound it. No. I-I’m not. So, er, seven? No, not seven! Everyone says seven! Six. Can’t say six – you said six! Maybe it is eight. Can I check: what’s ‘one’ on the scale – a bad Quidditch player or someone who can’t fly at all? You decide. All right. Er, well, if-if-if ‘one’ is the worst Quidditch player who’s legal, then I’m a five … … but a really good five, nearly a six, five point nine, well, five point eight; no-o-o, five point nine, say five point eight five, yes. Thank you! No-one’s ever answered to two decimal places before.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 37/?

Ronald, you’re aware I had forgotten, aren’t you? Yes, don't worry; I forgot to put any money on your expenses card. Paying for your own hotel room can be your present. That’s…that’s a very big present! I know! I’m such a lucky boy! You shouldn’t have!

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 36/?

I-I’m just so excited about the trip. Harry! You’ve been on hundreds of trips. Hasn’t the novelty worn off a little? No, never! It’s just always exciting! That amazing moment when twelve tons of metal leaves the earth – and no-one knows why! Yes, we do. Yeah, but … you know, not really. I mean, we know you need wings and engines and a … sticky-up bit on the end for some reason, but it’s not like we actually know why a plane stays in the air. No, no, Harry, we really do. We-we do, we do know that. Oh! How, then? Well … er, because … Because there are four forces acting on the plane, and so long as two of them are bigger than the other two, the plane flies. Hermione, I don’t mind that no-one knows.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 35/?

Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please. This is the Airport speaking. Listen to the Airport. Flight 202-02-02 is now ready for boarding at Gate … Eight. It isn’t late. It will not wait. If you want to be on that aeroplane … it’s time to get on the aeroplane now. If you have young children … put them on the aeroplane. If you have any hand baggage … put it on the aeroplane. If you have any bombs … they’re not allowed on the aeroplane. Please put them … in the bin! Okay, bye! Love, the Airport.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 34/?

What are … those bits? Ah, you see, Hermione, if you don’t mind me saying so, that question is entirely against the spirit of Surprising Rice.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 33/?

Even if you don’t get in, the interview will be good practice; and if you do, you might even get to fly with someone who … doesn’t pinch your travel iron out of your flight bag to fry himself a bacon butty. I knew it was you! Sorry. I didn’t know you were going to use it.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 32/?

Yeah, but it … it-it’s not a proper snowball. It hasn’t got much structural integrity … Seems all right to me. I did know you were going to do that. And yet you didn’t duck.

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 31/?

How did it go? Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine. Ginny … Well, anything you say five times is obviously true. »Yes, Skipper?« Right, right. Ginny, did you see me inform Mrs. Delacour about our non-smoking policy? »Er, well, I was … I wasn’t really looking. I mean, I certainly didn’t notice if she made you cry. Or not. I mean, she probably didn’t.« I was not crying. Her smoke got in my eyes. ♪ Smoke gets in your eyes. ♪

[cabinpotter]

Cabin Potter: 30/?

»Umm, do you like it?« What? »Playing Quidditch.« Yes, I do. Do you? »Yes, I do. I like it, like you. I mean, I like it like you do, not I like it like I like you. I don’t like you. I mean, I don’t not like you, I just, I don’t like you as much as I like playing Quidditch.« Don’t you? »Well, not yet. I mean, I’m sure if I got to know you, I’d like you more than being … well, probably not more than, because I love playing Quidditch and I don’t suppose I’d love you … well, I suppose I might … no, I mean, I’m just gonna go and have a wander up the owlery now.« Is he always like that? »No. He’s not terribly good at talking to other players, I’m afraid.« Oh. I thought it was because I was a woman. »And he’s atrocious at talking to women, so I’m afraid you represent something of a Perfect Storm.«