CageBurn

The Realest News From The MMA World

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TFW you finally get your academics in order

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‪Poor Danny ☹️‬

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BREAKING!!! Jones vs Cormier pulled from UFC214 after Reebok drama

In a shocking development, the fight has been cancelled not over Jon Jones’ narcotic indiscretions, but because of Daniel Cormier breaking contractual obligations with Reebok. The hirsute 47-year-old was snapped at an open workout fan session decked out in garb emblazoned with favourites from the good old days, which an inside source was worth $100K to the “champ”.

The fan session descended into chaos when the UFC’s head honcho physically intervened to save the brand’s sponsorship investment with Reebok, luring Cormier from the mat with promises of chocolate cake.

Reports that Cormier’s onesie was emblazoned in a full Hoelzer Reich backpiece remain unconfirmed.

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Faces of MMAeth – Conor McGregor

The Notorious One was allegedly spotted walking around Dublin’s Abbey Street asking for “a Euro for de bus”.

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Chris Weidman Attributes Win Over Kelvin Gastelum to Cannabis Use

In a Cageburn exclusive, former UFC Middleweight Champion Chris Weidman has attributed his choke-out win over Kelvin Gastelum at #UFCLongIsland to his opponent’s “indescriminate and frankly dizzzope” use of marijuana. 

Prior to Weidman’s theft of Gastelum’s swag, the 25-year-old was observed smoking three joints in his dressing room, allowing him to adopt an exceptionally relaxed demeanour in the fight’s early rounds. Nevertheless, Weidman successfully navigated the mental hedgemaze of ganja to break a three-fight losing streak and bring home the W in the third round.

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Faces of MMAeth – Tony Ferguson

Tony Ferguson goes by “El Cucuy” as a fighter, which is simply Spanish for “the boogeyman.” After recently pulling out of a scheduled fight with Khabib Nurmagomedov in a bout most assumed would determine the next challenger for the lightweight title questions began to be asked. Is Ferguson facing a boogeyman of his own?

Looking at the image above, a stark contrast can be seen. A healthy, smiling Tony on the left compared to a gaunt, ashamed Tony on the right. Sure, a suitable replacement was found for Nurmy, but the composition of a fight card is not our big concern. Ferguson’s excuse for pulling out? Blood in his lung.

MMAeth is a scourge that threatens us all. Have young addicts moved from simply snorting and smoking it to injecting it directly into their lungs to maximise the high? If so, heaven help us.

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Comrade McGregor – Letter To Chechnya

“So there I am, yeah, only five minutes home after flyin’ round the whole bleedin’ world for them fookin press conferences. I’m about to get into me 24 Carat Chinese Silk Superman pajamas and throw me feet up in the McMansion, when the phone rings. Who’s on the line only Ramzan bleedin’ Kadyrov! 

I’m there, Ramadan Whozakov? It turns out he’s only a bleedin’ WARLORD and an MMA promoter. 

So he tells me he’s made a “gentlemen’s agreement” with Dana for a deathmatch between the UFC and his team and he wants me to come over and train them for a day! 

The chap’s a dictator over in Azerbaijan or somewhere and he’s pals with all these knobheads – Tyson, Mayweather, even yer man Chris Weidman, that dope who got lucky when The Spider was his way out. And wait’ll ya hear this, Khabib, the lad who had a scrap with a pack of wolves – he’s Kadyrov’s little fookin lovechild! They done a genetics test and ev’ryting.“

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Jon Jones Arrest Revealed as Hoax 

Using semi-sophisticated VPN technology and a pair of Groucho Marx glasses, Daniel Cormier reportedly donned a police uniform before putting through a Skype call to UFC HQ in Las Vegas, Nevada. He is said to have adopted an effete, high-pitched British accent before attempting to inform an unidentifiable bald white man in a suit that Jon Jones had been arrested for dressing up in drag and would now not be allowed to fight in the pair’s scheduled bout. When confronted that he was obviously Daniel Cormier wearing a fancy dress pretend police uniform, DC was said to start acting like a spoilt little girl before hanging up the call.

Jon Jones was unavailable for comment but a source close to the 28-year-old prodigy said that when told of the incident he simply snorted three more lines, grinned and continued to ignore his three children who were sobbing, terrified, in the corner of the room.

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Bellator Announces Signing of New Welterweight: Gregory McConnors

The recent competition between MMA’s two premier promotions to scoop up all available talent has heated up to lava-level proportions. Bellator and President Scott Coker have had a run of success signing big name free agents. Now you can add another to the list.

Today Bellator (which is Italian for beautiful tor) announced the signing of up and coming free agent Gregory McConnors. The outstanding prospect is slated to fight the winner of this weekend’s Benson Henderson vs Russian Guy bout for the promotion’s welterweight title.

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Faces of MMAeth – Jon Jones

Jonathan “Bones” Jones, one of the greatest fighters of all-time, is not even impervious to MMAeth’s pervasive grasp. On top of the world at one moment, in the depths of addiction the next, the former UFC Light Heavyweight champion nearly lost it all while battling his demons.

How can you tell if a friend or fighter close to you is struggling? Erratic behaviour, running from hit-and-runs with fistfuls of cash and purchasing oversized African cats are key indicators. Two nights in jail may have quenched his thirst, but until then we hope Jon gets his life in order.

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Feeling So Alive: P.O.D. Usage in MMA

“There was a time when the sport was less regulated, less scrutinised. We looked the other way while the evidence stacked up. In the early 2000’s if you went to any MMA gym in the world, it was obvious what people were involved with. Blaring through the speakers as the top fighters in the world trained was Nu-Metal. And one of Nu-Metal’s biggest acts was P.O.D.

Formed in San Diego in 1992, P.O.D. (Payable on Death) found mainstream success around the turn of the millennium. Hits such as ‘Alive’, ‘Southtown’, ‘Youth of the Nation’ and ‘Boom’ launched them from obscurity into the headphones of every gym rat around America. And once entrenched in the gym, it’s only a matter of time until these same fighters are walking out to The Octagon™ under the influence.”

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Top 5 Most Humble Fighters

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MMA’s Son of Anarchy Jeff Monson is Dancing With The Stars in Russia

It’s no secret that MMA’s number one political cage-rattler is a big fan of Russia, having recently received citizenship in the great nation that provided us with vodka, Stalin’s Organ and that cool dance Zangief does when he wins.

Now he’s taken things to the next level by participating in the Russian version of Dancing With The Stars. 

Rumours that 2017’s program will include CroCop cavorting with Ivan Drago’s Smirky Girlfriend remain unconfirmed.

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CageBurnMMA can exclusive reveal that Nurmagomedov’s opponent for April 16 has just been revealed – and it is a pack of Siberian wolves.

While the devout Muslim’s judo skills and sambo pedigree are not to be taken lightly, it remains to be seen how much of match they are for the razor sharp teeth, vicious rending claws and highly evolved pack instinct of one of the greatest predators of the natural world.

Reached for comment, the Russian declined to comment, merely peeping out from under his funny hat and shrugging in a wonderfully stoic Russian manner.

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Faces of MMAeth – Paddy Holohan

‘The Hooligan’ is a particularly noteworthy figure amongst the Faces of MAAeth primarily because he so ably demonstrates that, no matter what your background, social strata or reasons for retiring…that if you truly embrace the MMAeth lifestyle…you will eventually reach a point at which no-one can even tell whether or not you are actually on the MAAeth.