Andulka
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@cakebully
My girlfriend and I just moved into a bigger apartment and needed more furniture, so we did what most people who can pass for under 30 do: we went to Ikea. Actually she went to Ikea while I did something else because I hate it there. She also brought home cinnamon buns, which is a decent reward for doing absolutely nothing.
You know how when you have seven miniature chocolate bars and you're in a studio with six other people and your desk is right in the middle, it's really hard to inconspicuously eat seven chocolate bars in a row so you decide to share them with everyone? Me neither.
Once upon a time, the best grocery store in my neighbourhood was located a single block away from my home. Then it moved to a bigger building three blocks away, and life seemed futile and stupid and boring. THEN (after that) I discovered their expansion included more room for desserts, like this fancy-named Opera cake pictured above, which is good news, unless you're one of the zero people who liked the soggy Napoleans they sold at the old store.
Look at the edge of this cake. Can you imagine a more precise cut? You could freeze this and shave with it. Plus it's black forest, so you wouldn't be too put out if it got ruined.
I bought this Rum Baba from a bakery at the market. I don't know what culture or language it represents, but I'm confident "Rum Baba" translates to "Plain Bread with Rum and Whipped Cream". This is probably what pre-prohibition Twinkies were like.
I don't want to sound racist, but should we really be putting meringue on cakes?
Remember when you were a kid and you realized that money could be traded for goods and/or services? And you thought that when you grew up, you'd make the fun adult decision to only eat donuts? Then you matured, became more responsible, and realized that life is even harder for fat kids? Eventually some part of your consciousness decided to err on the side of kale salads and casual sex? Then Saint Donut comes along and you realized that you've made a huge mistake?
I just love a lemon square. The only real problem with them is I usually have to visit a coffee shop to get one. That, and they're tough to eat gracefully with utensils. They require a deft touch to split the cookie crust. Get it wrong and you're sending bits of coconut everywhere, like this one time I almost hit Dan Bejar with a slice of tomato.
This is what happens to an Oreo cookie after it goes through a rough breakup. After some deep soul-searching and a few weeks of "me" time, the cookie decides that self-reliance is the path to genuine fulfillment. Now it's eating healthy, getting lots of exercise, and has an awesome haircut, and its ex-lover feels pangs of regret every time it pretends to not see the Oreo at a show.
So here we have a rice krispies square, fancied up with rainbow sprinkles. You might call this addition unnecessary, even opulent. Shades of Louis XIV, perhaps? You might have a point, but the Sun King I know wouldn't touch one of these unless it had seven ganache layers, gold-leaf fondant, and those rainbow sprinkles were actually candy-coated diamonds.
Need a dessert but you're short on time or talent? Get some vanilla ice cream, some wee supermarket brownies, and some bourbon. Put the brownies in the ice cream, pour the bourbon on top, light that shit on fire. You're welcome.
So this is the Cake Bully Christmas special. Yeah, it's February, but while you're obsessing over buzzfeed quizzes, I've been getting a head start on the 2014 holiday season.
I was going to write about how babkes (babkas?) are like that person you know who's not only good at everything they do, but also funny and self-effacing and really just pleasant to be around so you can't even hate them even though you really want to. Then I decided that might come across a bit neurotic, so I scrapped it.
This is mille-feuille, my favorite dessert as a child. My granny used to make a panful for my birthday so there's some emotional attachement here. It's really not even fair to compare hers to this one, although I'll forgive the presentation. Dep desserts can only look so good, and this is a losing battle anyway. My granny's house smelled like chrysanthemums and tea. Best case olfactory scenario for a déppaneur is immediately after a samosa delivery, and that happens maybe twice a week.
My friend Sara baked these cupcakes. She made me take an entire box because her and her boyfriend "couldn't eat any more". He wasn't home when I picked them up, and I'm suspicious of his complicity. Once, an ex-girlfriend gave away a slice of pizza that was in the fridge overnight. I'm not saying it's a deal-breaker, but I could never recommend it.
I only buy these when I subconsciously want to ruin my appetite. Maybe I didn't even want to eat dinner anyways. These are fantastic.
My girlfriend baked this for Thanksgiving (as you do) but I think pumpkin pie should be enjoyed year-round. It's in the top three best pies of all time, easy, even when it comes from a can, the crust is store-bought, and the ice cream is actually "frozen dessert".