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Ironing....

Wife was enjoying herself doing the ironing this afternoon when I tried to slip off to read the Sunday papers. "Can you push the hoover round the lounge?", she said, "And the dining room. And the hallway". "Eh?" I replied, "Do I look like I got tits and a fanny? You don't buy a dog and bark yourself, love". Tactical schoolboy error, saying out loud what was on my mind. Good thing I'm off to Munich for the week - she may have calmed down by the time I get back. Ooops........ (True story)

Note - My comments were made with a smile on my face, and I am not sexist.... And I did a great job of the hoovering...

#hoovering #ironing

Smoooooth..........

In a cafe in Lewes today I noticed that the waiter had a South African accent.

"Which part are you from?", I asked.

"Cape Town", he replied.

"That's a beautiful city", I said.

"Yes", he replied, I've been to many places in the world and I do honestly believe it's the most beautiful city".

"So why did you move to rainy Sussex?", I asked.

Without pausing for thought he said, "I left the most beautiful city in the world for the most beautiful girl in the world......."

Awesome response. Consider that line well & truly stolen!!!

#south african #love #accent #cape town

Height....

"Julia is much taller at 7 than the boys were at the same age", said wife last night.

"How can you tell", I asked.

"She's comes up to where my boobs are", said wife, "the boys didn't at that age".

"No, love", I replied, "your boobs are a lot further down your body now than they were when the boys were little. Julia's not taller, your boobs are just longer....."

Made for a quiet and frosty evening. :)

#boobs #height #7yr old daughter #droopy

Crying....

Last night wife walked in on me in the lounge. I had tears running down my face, my nose was streaming. Something had obviously upset me.

"Darling", wife said tenderly, "whatever is the matter..."

'Get me a glass of milk quick, love', I gasped, 'That fucking chicken phal was way too hot'

Cried again this morning when it ripped through the other end, too......

#phal #curry #tears #crying

Strobe lights.....

Funniest thing I heard in ages. A good friend said to me the other day that he's just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. So it looks like his wife is moving when they have sex......

Not sure if it's an original joke or nicked from somewhere, but made me laugh out loud!

And with that I'm off to buy some strobe lights!!! :)

#strobe lights #bedroom #sex #wife

It's not the taking part that counts, it's the winning!

Me, to 7 yr old daughter before sports day.

#winning

C*nt....

A stranger called me a c*nt the other day.

"Thanks", I said, "if I'm a c*nt, that means that every bloke in the world loves me and thinks of me constantly and every woman needs me. Nice one".

"I don't think of you constantly" said the oaf.

"No", I said, "that's because you're f*cking queer....."

And then I ran.

#cunt

Medium rare.....

At a restaurant on Saturday the waiter asked me how I'd like my steak.

"Medium rare", I said, "I like my steak like I like my women - wet & pink"

The waiter laughed (a lot). The wife didn't (at all).

Made for a fun evening.......

#steak #medium rare #wet & pink

Tattoo......

There was a lady down the gym this morning who had one of those tattoos on the base of her spine (think they may be called tramp stamps or slag tags or something?).

Hers just said "Dad".

Must've put her fella right off his stroke the first time he got hold of her in the biblical sense......... Last thing you'd want to be thinking of when getting going from behind is her father. Or even your own!

#tattoo #tramp stamp #slag tag

That's a beautiful dress. But it'd look better on my bedroom floor.....

Not sure, but makes me laugh every time I read it.

"Fuck me and I'll fuck you harder"

Me, in a company sales meeting, after having fired someone for stealing.

Fight to win

Philips Semiconductors advertising slogan from 1998

Taxation.... (6)

In today's budget George Osbourne says that tax avoidance is 'morally repugnant'. Tax avoidance is staying within the rules, but finding the gaps (but NOT breaking any law). Tax evasion is the illegal one.....

So, playing within the rules is 'morally repugnant'? Really? Really really??

Strange how the government thinks that staying legal is wrong.

Tres strange. Wonder what the alternative is....?!

#Taxation #avoidance #morally repugnant

Taxation.... (5)

Oh, yes. Also, for every £2 above £100k you earn you lose £1 from your tax free personal allowance. Ie, if you earn over £114,000 a year you have zero tax free personal allowance. And, if you run the math it shows that you're paying 60% on the bit between £100k - £114k......

And, of course you will have already lost your child benefits at this point.

Jesus wept.

#Tax #Taxation #personal allowance

Taxation.... (4)

Here you go...

Top 1% of earners pay 26.6% of tax gathered.

Top 10% pay 55.6% of tax gathered.

Top 50% of earners pay 89% of tax gathered!!!!!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-17397199

Bang goes the theory that we live in an equal society!!!!

So, the bottom 50% of earners only pay 11% of tax gathered. And get to keep all their benefits. Which the higher earners pay for?!

Somthing very, very wrong here......

#Tax #taxation #Top 1%

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