mianybell

newspaper girl - cheats

[callmemianmian]

Watercolor 101

This is Watercolor 101.

I think we both agree that I’m better.

You be the student, and I’ll be the teacher.

Let me paint you the story of how I knew you were the one.

What an introduction—a book-worthy plot

I  was whole when I saw you—then I came undone

A  bit rough around the edges. I kid. A lot. A lot.

Nonetheless, unattached.

A complete blank slate—a sheet of watercolor paper, if you will.

Ready to be painted on: hues of pink, red, and our favorite teal.

An exciting meet-cute foundation, sealed with a kiss.

A glaze of bright neon.

Layer upon layer of bliss,

Every color an experience, every wash a connection.

But watercolor is unforgiving; it doesn’t let you forget.

You don’t want to paint something you’ll always regret.

Cover it up, and you risk ruining the art.

Poke a big, fat hole in my heart.

This is Watercolor 101: you’re the artist, and I’m the white paper.

Behold the piece we’ve made so far.

Do you like it? I think I do, though I’m no curator.

Do you see it?

The green patch of paint in the corner—left by the former?

Never fully lifted, never mine to erase.

Watercolor is unforgiving,

and it will always remember.

[callmemianmian]

I got engaged last December in Taiwan!

Marriage talks began in late 2024, and to be honest, I was a bit anxious because it would mean uprooting my whole life and moving to the US. I thought about it long and hard—I never wanted to move to the US. However, long-distance proved to be quite challenging; the enormous amount of patience, trust, and courage one has to possess, along with the constant longing, loneliness, and overthinking, was just too much.

And because I love him, ultimately, I agreed.

I feel like we have gotten much closer after three years of being together. I love where we are right now and I can't wait to spend my life with him.

[free-my-mindd]

Forgive yourself

[willbwry]

❤️‍🩹

[callmemianmian]

I can say that I am in a happy relationship right now; however, some things are hard to forget.

Last November 2024, I opened up to A about how I knew he was still following random girls on Instagram and constantly liked thirst traps. It made me feel uncomfortable, disrespected, and it honestly gave me the ick. I just started therapy then, and we were just beginning to forget about the huge fight we had a couple of weeks back. I remembered Soy saying that that kind of thing didn't really bother her, and I wanted to be more like her. I was aware of my insecurities and how I was still starting to learn how to heal from a bunch of things that are wrong with me lol. So, I tried to approach the matter in a way that kind of undermined how disrespected I felt at the time. I tried to be apologetic about it, highlighted that it could be my insecurity talking, that's why it bothered me.

I shouldn't have done that...

He agreed that it was my insecurity. What really triggered me, and what will be forever etched in my brain, is, he felt validated when people liked his photos, so basically, he liked all these pictures because he liked what he saw, and he wanted them to feel validated??? I don't know if I remember it all correctly, but that's what I remember, and, honestly, I stopped listening the second I realized that conversation would be going nowhere. He made me feel like there was indeed something wrong with me for feeling insecure about his IG likes and following. I felt defeated. I cried.

Hours later, he sent a message saying he finally understood where I was coming from, and he would unfollow these girls and stop liking thirst traps. I replied with a thank you... Til this day, I don't know why the change of heart. I never wanted to talk about it again after that.

It's been a year. It's already been a year, but I still think about it. I mean, it's good that he said he'll stop and won't follow random girls anymore, but I know he still has some girls there, in his following. It's not helping that he has more girls in his following than I do hahaha. It's embarrassing. I see mutuals liking girls with big ass boobs dancing with barely any clothes on, and I feel for their girlfriends/wives. I keep hoping other girls won't see my boyfriend's name under those videos/pictures and feel the same towards me.

I learned from therapy that I shouldn't invalidate myself. I kept telling myself na ang OA ko lang, but no. It matters to me, so it should matter to my partner, too. What helps is that I know he loves me and he's trying his best to make me feel loved despite the distance, but this is a wound I'm still trying to heal. Healing is a slow process, and maybe one day I'll get a chance to get past this or open up to him again about this.

Right now's not the time.

[callmemianmian]

I went to Expo last Friday with Sleepy. Soy was not able to make it because she was sick. I nearly got mad at Sleepy because I thought he was going to cancel on me—we had agreed to meet at 6PM, but he said he might get stuck in traffic and arrive at 8PM. Nevertheless, I thought it would be a great opportunity to practice not being self-conscious in public when I'm alone. I used to be so independent and could do anything by myself, but since my previous relationship made me codependent, it's a sickness I'm trying to heal hahaha.

I sat myself at our (me and Aldrich) favorite corner at Fred's—that corner by the Keanu Reeves shower curtain, and ordered a Smirnoff and sausage and mash while reading Dark Places by Gillian Flynn. It was hard not to feel self-conscious and retreat into my own bubble, but I managed to read over 40 pages before Sleepy arrived.

I had a good time until migraine and sleepiness kicked in, so I went home around 10:30PM. Ang tanda ko na.

[callmemianmian]

I had on-site work today, hence the fit and the pictures. I kinda regret wearing this to work; I should've worn this on Friday. I'm going to meet Sleepy and Soy at Expo after many months of not hanging out. I miss them. I can't wait to vent out some things and for them to scold me like a child.

I haven't been feeling good lately. I spend way too much time hidden inside the house, alone. I do talk to Aldrich all the time, and I like being at home, but LDR just fucking sucks. Although it strengthens a relationship, it can also feel lonely and sad. I wanna hug my Pan so bad.

Now, I'm overthinking a lot of things about him, me, and our relationship. There are things I'm embarrassed or scared to tell him. I want him to reassure me all the time, but I don't want to seem needy. I should be making progress already with all the therapy sessions I've been doing, but why do I feel like it's taking fucking forever? I actually have a session tomorrow, and I'm not quite sure what to talk about with the psychologist. My feelings and thoughts are all over the place, just a big pile of strings I cannot unravel yet.

I need to make a list.

[callmemianmian]

My love, do you remember our first date? I was nervous, excited, running a little late. I tried not to let my hopes rise too high, But after years, it all felt new, alive. At the end of the night, I whispered inside, "I want to spend more time by your side."

My love, do you remember the first time I confessed to you? The place was loud, chaotic, I was anxious if you did too. My world shifted when you replied— A little quicker than I’d expected. I swear I could’ve cried that day, Two souls had never felt more connected.

My love, do you remember the first time you left me? I held back tears, Hollow, empty. You carried my heart as you left with a promise, While I clung to the ghost of our very last kiss.

More than a year, and it never gets easier. If I were a god who wielded power, I’d move mountains, calm oceans, for my lover. This much I know: our love is stronger than time, Greater than distance, unbroken, sublime. Yearning, patience, and persistence— All etched deep into my existence.

My love, do you remember the first time we kissed? I didn’t know it then, but I know this: It was the first of millions still yet to come, An endless story of two made one.

[callmemianmian]

We went to BKK last month, and now, we're starting the petition process. Excited and nervous to close the distance.

[callmemianmian]

This shade of blue

[theambitiouswoman]

Your standards reflect your self esteem

Sometimes the moment you raise your standards, you realize you’ve been asking for the bare minimum. You start to see how much you’ve tolerated, excused, accepted out of fear—fear of being alone, fear of being too much, fear of seeming unreasonable. Your standards are not a punishment. They will only be presented that way by people who see being with themselves as a punitive experience

When you start moving differently, setting boundaries, & requiring more, the pushback is inevitable. People who benefited from your silence will label you difficult. Those who relied on your lack of discernment will suddenly demand “empathy.” But aggressive verbiage is never an indicator of applied knowledge. Most people who throw empathy around only do so when someone stops enabling the very behaviors that show they lack it

This is why you have to know the history of how you move before you allow someone to convince you otherwise. If you’ve been the one who always gives, always forgives & always bends, then understand that the discomfort you feel when you stop is not a sign that you’re being unreasonable but a sign that you’re finally choosing yourself

Standards require discipline, discernment and dependability. Discipline to uphold them when it’s inconvenient. Discernment to recognize when someone is testing them. Dependability to ensure that you don’t just set them for others but that you embody them yourself

Your standards are not an act of selfishness. They are an act of self respect. And when you honor them, the right people—those who value what you value—will honor them too

[callmemianmian]

I'd rather be dead than get cheated on again

[callmemianmian]

Welcome back! ☺️

Thank you, Anon! :)

[callmemianmian]

It was my birthday yesterday. Aldrich gave me flowers and cash. His mom gave me a baby pink Kate Spade bag. I went to Cubao Expo with friends and got tipsy. Despite the terrible lunch I had with my parents, my birthday was a blast.

[callmemianmian]

Hawig mo si Giselle ng Aespa 🙂

You're not the first person who told me that, Anon haha. And I don't really it 😕

[callmemianmian]

Roses and Carnations, Watercolor

[callmemianmian]

Ang pretty ko.

(Need ko to, baba ng self-esteem ko lately)

[callmemianmian]

Napakainsecure ko tangina. I've talked about this na with my therapist eh and it did help naman pero bumabalik talaga, bwiset. Iniimagine ko nalang na pinapagalitan nya ko everytime na naiisip ko insecurities ko and it helps a bit kasi ayokong madisappoint sya sakin lol 😭 people pleaser na insecure tangina saksakin nyo nalang ako.