Summary: It's been six weeks and it's finally hit Daniel. Em's gone, and she's never coming back. On his way home from Barcelona it finally hits him just how over things really are.
Words: 2.1k
Warnings: None, really.
AN: Hi? How are you all? Yeah we don't know where this came from either, but it arrived and we can't help it. Blame Noah Kahan, if Taylor is Em's POV for a load of stuff, Noah is Dan's. But we wanted to share it with you because god we've missed this lil universe.
May 2022
It was on his way back from Barcelona that Daniel realised he’d given up. It was ironic, really. The track where he’d realised that he might be developing feelings for her, all those years ago. When she’d texted him that stupid photo of her hot coffee when he was in the snow. Realising then that he wanted to be curled up with her on the couch was a surreal feeling.
But he’d lost her.
That was the thing that kept rattling through his head, he’d sent her away. He’d walked away and she’d left and he couldn’t blame her for that. Not really. How could he when she’d given him everything and he hadn’t realised the sacrifices she’d made?
The late evening Vueling flight was half empty and with a hat over his head nobody had recognised him. It left Dan to his pity party, opening the text thread and reading all the messages he’d sent her. The ones that hadn’t been opened.
I miss you
I know you’re not reading. And it’s ok. I guess. I think. I won’t bother you anymore. I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you leave.
It’s not the same without you.
I still have your pass
I hate that you’re not here. It’s not the same and I just want you back.
I miss you so much it’s stupid. Everyone keeps asking where you are and I just keep saying you’ve got family stuff.
I don’t know how to tell them
I swear I did nothing with that girl. I promise baby girl I never would. Never ever ever.
I walked through that market in Barcelona you love. They still had those fruit cups
Where are you? Just give me a sign and I’ll find you I swear to God
Please be happy baby. Just…be happy. That’s all I want for you. And if I can’t make you happy that’s ok but you need to be happy.
He knew he’d been blocked. That goddamn Your message could not be sent kept coming up every single time he sent one. But it made him feel better, pretending that she was reading them and she was ok somewhere. That her heart wasn’t broken, because she’d left. She’d walked away.
The anger stage of realisation had passed him easier than he’d ever thought it could. Yeah he was fucking angry. He was furious. But never at Emmy. He was furious at himself for not realising how wrong things were. At how he’d let her play him like a fiddle because he was waiting for her to come back when she had a two week head start anywhere in the goddamn world on him.
The denial was easier. Telling himself for those two weeks that he’d see her on the plane, everything would be ok. She hadn’t blocked him then and he’d sent a couple of texts to his girlfriend but he hadn’t bothered properly reaching out because of their stupid stupid fight.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will shortly be arriving in Nice Cote d’Azur airport, the time there right now is eight minutes past ten. Please move your seats into the upright position, stow your tray tables and ensure that your luggage is properly stowed. Those in window seats, as we will be landing in darkness please have your window blind fully open. Cabin lights will dim shortly in preparation for landing. Madames et Monsieurs, c’est votre Capitain…” Dan let the French wash over him, staring out at the Mediterranean Sea. Maybe Emmy was looking at it right then too, sitting by the beach in Italy or Spain. That was a nice thought.
He hadn’t properly spoken to her the last time they were in Italy together. Four days, just before preseason testing so they could have some time together. The two of them in Sicily and he brought her around all the places his Dad had shown him. But instead of the conversations they desperately needed to have - Em’s place in his life, the cracks they’d started while they were separated, even the fucking apartment in London he’d mentioned wanting them to find together - they had sex. A lot of really good sex, but it wasn’t a substitute for talking. Having Em cry out in ecstasy was the most beautiful thing in the world to him. But he’d have swapped all of that for one conversation.
And Em had tried. He’d shut her down when she mentioned she was lonely at Christmas, his casual “yeah spending it in the hotel with Michael wasn’t easy” instead of fixing their issues. He fucked it.
How much had he fucked up?
Em was the only thought on his mind and just how much he’d ruined things. The way she’d been nearly crying the last time he saw her after hugging everyone goodbye because she knew then she wasn’t going to see them again. That she’d said goodbye to everyone who loved her because of him. That the only people who might know where she was were Ron and Sue and he was too ashamed to go into the caf and ask them. He figured Ron would throw him out.
How bad was it for his Emmy that she couldn’t tell him? That she didn’t think he wanted to know she was struggling. And he knew she was. Even before the fight in Saudi Dan knew. He knew she was hurting and didn’t feel wanted but he wanted everything to be fucking perfect because that’s what his Emmy deserved.
But she wasn’t his Emmy anymore.
The plane landed and he was on autopilot, going through the premium services and getting his bags handed to him, the car service he used here waiting. Was he fuck going to drive, it wasn’t happening. He couldn’t clear his mind enough to think unless he was getting into the F1 car.
Dan wanted her to be happy. That’s all he wanted. He wanted her to be happy and so loved and cared for. That the world wasn’t out to get her like it seemed when she was with him. That’s what he needed for her. Maybe she’d find a guy like her parents wanted. Some business cunt with a suit and neatly cut hair and no tattoos. She’d remove her nose ring and be the perfect housewife with two point five kids and a life and be the best mother because he knew she would be. He wanted her to be the mother of his kids.
The drive back was quick, helped by the lack of traffic on a Sunday night making his life so much easier. The driver was playing classical versions of pop music and it just pushed him back more into that stupid Sicily trip. The one she did for him. Watching her drive the little rented Fiat around with Taylor Swift blaring. He’d hummed along to the bass line as Em sang the lyrics. The second night she’d talked about it with him.
“Honestly I know it sounds insane, but it’s like she just ripped into part of my soul with All Too Well. When it came out I’d just come out of my first uni relationship and it was that feeling of thinking everything was wrong even when you’d thought it was right. And the ten minute version is life changing.” He’d kissed her across the table to stop her from talking for a moment and she looked at him like he hung the stars.
Now he knew he was a shit partner. A shit friend. He couldn’t even call himself a shit boyfriend because he hadn’t said those words to her. The next day she started talking about some of Taylor’s lyrics and he just stared ahead in the car, not interested in what she was saying. She listened to everything he said about work and cars and life even when he knew she didn’t care, and he couldn’t do that for her?
Dan needed Em to be ok. She’d left him and it was her right to leave when he was a shit partner to her. But he needed a sign from the fucking universe that she was ok. Something. Anything. That wherever she was she could be happy when he wasn’t brave enough to admit everything and follow her to the ends of the world like she did for him.
The car pulled up outside his apartment building and he passed a note over to the driver before getting out and fobbing himself in. It was an elevator up to his apartment that he’d barely been in for months because London was home. Emmy was home. But she wasn’t anymore.
Everything reminded him of her. The painting she’d found in a market in Austin up on the wall. The throw cushions that were soft and colourful on his plain couch. The fridge magnets she bought from everywhere they went, even if it was just a layover in an airport she’d get one to remind them of it. He had the Sicily one somewhere in London.
The entire apartment screamed there was a woman’s touch there. Who lived there. Who loved him there. And she was gone. His phone vibrated in his shorts and Dan pulled it out like a drowning man, wishing it’d be the one person he wanted to speak to. Instead it was his mum and god, lying to Grace was a bigger sin than anything he’d ever done before.
“Hey Mum, how’re you and Dad?” He asked, keeping his voice low. It was barely 7am in Perth, surprise clear in his voice that she was calling him.
“We’re good love, we’re good. Up early so I thought I might get you before you went to sleep, it’s been ages since we got Em on the phone, she didn’t answer hers. Is she around?” Lie lie lie lie lie lie lie. He had to lie. Again.
“She’s in bed.” Probably wasn’t a lie. Hopefully she was in a bed somewhere, even if the mental image of the love of his life wrapped around another man made him want to vomit. “We got in about twenty minutes ago, she was exhausted from the weekend and went straight to bed. I’m just grabbing a shower before I do.”
“Ah shame, is she feeling better?” The last lie he’d told about a stomach bug meaning she was sleeping. Sleep, his one refuge and way to pretend.
“Yeah, but that bug really knocked her. Trying to get her to chill down a bit, but you know what she’s like.”
“Your girlfriend’s more stubborn than your dad!” Grace laughed and Dan made himself follow her but it was hollow.
“Sorry, don’t wanna wake her. We’re in Monaco for the race this week.” Another half truth. He was in Monaco. Em was…anywhere but here.
“No problem. Your dad and I are taking a trip, just to let you know. A couple of days without phone service and being able to unwind. Just in case you’re looking for us, Chelle knows what’s going on.”
“Enjoy it, and send photos! I-We’d love to see them.”
“Love you, Danny. Give Emmy all our love too.”
“I will of course. Love you Mum, tell Dad I said hi and to put sunscreen on when he’s out, he’s gonna end up in one of those ads.”
They hung up and the guilt added to the ball in the bottom of his stomach. Without thinking he opened his Emirates app, clicking through and booking a flight. One person, one way from Nice to Perth, leaving two days after Monaco. He could go straight from Perth to Baku afterwards, meet up with the travelling circus for the next race. But he had to tell everyone what had happened, and he couldn’t do that over the phone. He’d go in person.
Downing a melatonin tablet with a glass of water he crawled under the sheets, lying in the too large bed and barely able to breathe in. It still smelled like Emmy. Her shampoo. Her deodorant. The dry shampoo she used because her hair barely lasted 24 hours after being washed without needing something was sitting on her nightstand along with her perfume.
Dan reached over and spritzed it on her pillow, pulling it into his arms. Wherever she was, whatever she was doing, he prayed to a God that he didn’t quite believe in that Emmy was happy. That if it was night for her she was sound asleep and curled up and loved because that was the one thing she’d asked of him and he couldn’t do it. At least now she could find someone to love her like she deserved.
To the sweet anon who asked about their wedding, their kids, and how Em and Dan raised them. There are a lot of things we wanted to tell you about, their wedding is one of them. Truth be told, they had two weddings. One is in London, the other in Perth. First one was a secret. It was so secret that not even their family knew. I'll start with that one.
It all started back in the summer break of 2022. After everything they went through -breaking up, the miscarriage, coming back together, and putting their pieces back together- they went to LA. Normally, they would have had a family vacation, but not this time. They made a deal when they got back together: No hard feelings, but they would sit down and talk for a long time about everything that had happened. They didn't want to have that discussion in the middle of the hectic season schedule, so they delayed it until they could sit down and talk like normal people.
It was hard when it happened. It was one of the hardest conversations they had since meeting in 2018. They explained their reasons. They said what was on their minds. Dan explained why he had never said Em was his girlfriend when in his head she clearly was. Em explained her reasons for running away. It was four years of relationship review in one conversation. There were tears. There was so much regret and pain. But there was also forgiveness and understanding. It was all full of patience and love as they held each other on the couch while drying each other's tears.
Between Dan explaining how he almost proposed to her time and again, Em asked him to marry her. It took him years and a hidden ring, but it only took her four hours. Besides their insane love for each other, they had too many other reasons to do it. The terrible need to know they would never be separated was one of them. Em needing some sort of assurance was another. It didn't matter whether people knew, but she needed to walk into that paddock as his wife, not just his assistant. After everything that happened -the rumors, the whispers, the lies- she wanted to know it was them no matter what.
Everything happened quickly after that. They didn't want to wait. They felt like they physically couldn't wait. They didn't want to go back to work without being married, so Dan pulled a few strings. After a couple phone calls, he had an appointment at a London registry office. The problem was that that appointment fell on Em's birthday. He didn't like the idea of her sharing her special date with their wedding anniversary, but Em couldn't care less. After Dan gave her the option, she chose to turn her day into their day.
They wouldn't lie and say that day was utterly ethereal and magical. They were a mess. Em was on therapy sessions and consulting with a psychiatrist. She was on medication. F1 was consuming Dan. They were ghosts and shadows of the kids they were in 2018. They were a shell of what they once were. Their bodies were too thin. Too broken. Crawling their way out of hell. Even then, despite their dark bags under their eyes and their thin appearance, they were happy to do it.
There was little to no preparation. Em got herself a little white dress that she found in a shop and hid it under a coat. He put on a suit he had at home. There was nothing more to it than a little bouquet of wild flowers. Em asked Dan if they could bring Blake with them because she couldn't imagine doing it without him. Being without their family was hard enough, but being without the one person that kept them alive was impossible.
As a wedding gift, Dan brought Sue and Ron to be with them. We've never really talked about them, but they're important to Em. They were the only ones who really loved her before Dan. Not only they gave her a job while she was in uni, but they also gave her a family. They took care of her. They made sure she always ate or had food at home. They let her reschedule work time when she needed it for class. They kept her alive without even knowing it. They took her under their wings and she kept it as private as possible, too scared of her parents doing something about it. They were the only people she called family. They always worry. They always cared. They've always loved her like a daughter or granddaughter, so yeah, Dan wanted them to see her get married.
There was nothing etheral or magical about it, but on a rainy summer morning in Harrow registry office, they finally became Mr. and Mrs. Ricciardo. After that, the five of them went to lunch like any other day, not really wishing to think about what would happen in the next couple of days because of McLaren. And while it wasn't glamorous or fancy, it was theirs.
hellooooo!!! id like to know a bit more abt their wedding, the childbirths and how they raise the kids 🥺 idk why i want to know everything about the domesticity in their family.
btw i was soooooo into your story ⭐️ i’ve been obsessed with it lol. so sad it ends but i think a lot of us have this weird feeling abt f1 now sadly 💔
Will you ever finish Dan and Em’s story? This account lives rent free in my mind ❤️
Hello anon! Alex here. First, thank you for being so sweet. And second, I'm not gonna lie and say yes because honestly I don't think so. Life happens I guess. I can talk for myself saying after Dan left F1 i kind of left it too? I watch races sometimes, but honestly my love for the sport kind of die. Its weird but a year later and i still hurts? Especially when i see certain drivers not doing much and knowing they killed Dan's career for that. Anyway. We kind of moved on. Not from the story in general? We keep talking about it all the time, but i guess writing it its another story. Plus life's been crazy honesty.
The other day i was thinking about maybe doing a post talking about what we think that happen after? Like some kind of closure? Would you like that? Let me know!
Summary: Fighting takes it's toll on everyone, and eventually Dan's just too tired to do it anymore. And that's ok.
Words: 7.9k
Warnings: Mental health discussion, Singapore 2024 (it deserves it's own warning we don't care), VCARB bullshit.
AN: Surprise? I think? But yeah. If you knew how long we've wrestled with this, how much we've tried and failed and... This was our white whale. This entire damn moment. And we hope it lives up to hype. Dan and Em's story isn't over yet if people want to hear more. See u soon.♥️
September 2024
In his heart and soul Dan always thought that Em would be the reason he decided to stop fighting for his seat. But he wasn't surprised that Lulu ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't the fact that Red Bull had all but told him he was getting thrown under the bus this weekend. It wasn't that he was fed up of the internal politics. It wasn't even that he didn't trust anyone anymore because they'd told him it was his seat and then ripped it away from him.
It was because his daughter needed her daddy. His family needed him, and on a hot and humid night in Singapore where his daughter just yelled for him it made him decide he wasn't fighting it. It wasn't worth fighting anymore. Luna was the happiest baby in the world, but teething and timezones was taking it out of her. It was putting Em through a toll he never wanted her to pay, exhaustion clear. Her idea of mostly parenting on her own was a good idea on paper, but it was hard. It wasn't just race weekends, it was the weeks before and a few days after too. Dan didn't want her to deal.
The last few weeks had been slow torture. Constant questions about his seat and his future and the lack of answers. He wanted to yell that he'd been promised he'd be in a different garage now, that it was all but confirmed. Instead he'd had that stupid ass meeting, Laurent and Peter genuinely sorry but their hands were tied. He knew they were. He'd seen it on his first merry-go-round in Faenza with Franz, this was the same.
He could take the jabs from the media, the constant "can he still drive?" questioning. He could ignore Jacques and his bullshit in Canada. He was used to it, his skin was thick by now. But it was hurting his wife and his daughter and that shouldn't happen. Emmy was back to being nervous and unsure. He could see the way his wife's confidence was eroding - slowly at first but it'd been faster and faster recently. Lu was unsettled in a way she'd never been before. When you added it all to the teething she was going through it was a mess.
Dan didn't blame his little girl who had no idea what was happening, who kept trying to grab onto him every day and he had to just kiss her head. He couldn't blame his poor wife who was exhausted dealing with Lu and life on the road and making sure Blake and Charlie were doing ok with their news. He blamed himself. He'd promised Lu when she was born that he'd be a present dad, that she'd come first, and he was breaking that promise.
He should be helping Em put Lulu to sleep, reading a story and crooning a lullaby to her against his chest. Instead he was in the comfy bed in their suite, Em and Lulu in the small attached living room. The second Lu had begun to stir with pain in her gums Emmy had gotten up, whisking Lu into the living room to try not disturb Dan. But he was too used to waking up to Lu's movements, to Em getting out of bed. Instead he lay there, part of his pillow over his ears, hating that he wasn't there helping. This time it was even worse, Lulu angrily yelling her favourite word.
"Papa! PAPA!" She yelled as Dan lay there with self loathing through his veins.
"I know you want him baby girl. I know you do, but Papa has to sleep, ok? He's gonna get in the car tomorrow. Just a couple of nights baby girl, I promise. You can have him in a little while, just have to take your medicine." He could barely make out Em's low voice through their daughter's sobs, but her crying never changed. "I know it bothers you baby, I know it does. I know you want Papa and not me, but Daddy needs to go fast tomorrow. We gotta let him get some sleep, baby. I've got you."
"PAAAAAAPPPPAAAAAA!"
Dan couldn't take it any longer. The third time he heard Luna yelling for him he got out of bed, opening the door to find Em standing in the middle of the room, rocking their baby against her chest. Lu's face was trained on the door and the moment she spotted him her tiny arm was out to grab onto him.
"I'm so sorry, babe. She just won't let me help. She doesn't want the painkillers and she won't let me put the gel on to calm her down. I'm trying, but it's a bad night." Em babbled her explanation, looking exhausted and sorry in every possible way. He knew his wife's makeup had been getting thicker and thicker to cover the dark circles that having a teething infant caused, but now her face was clean he could see it. Emmy was the most beautiful woman in the universe to him, but she was tired and he could see she was near breaking point. He didn't care about the deal they'd made, he was breaking it right then and there.
"I've got her, don't worry," Dan murmured as he grabbed under Lulu's arms to fully take her into his. "And don't be sorry, Wrinkles. This isn't your fault."
"You're supposed to be sleeping."
"Emmy, I'm fine. Go to bed, ok? I've got her. I'll be back when she's asleep."
It said everything to Dan that his wife didn't fight him on this. She was exhausted and worn out, kissing him quickly on the lips before putting another to Lu's forehead and whispering she loved them both before she went to bed. He watched her walk back inside and realisation was thick in his stomach that he was done. He wasn't fighting anymore.
Everyone said that the smallest Ricciardo was every inch her father, but it wasn't quite true. The biggest similarity she had to her mother was that when she was truly upset about something the only one who could calm her down was her dad. Lu was equally in love with both her parents, but the times when all she would do was cry? That was Dan's time to shine with her. It was one of those nights, finally taking the syringe into her mouth for the medication before Dan rubbed teething gel along her teeth. It took another ten minutes for the medication to take effect, her red cheeks lightening and Lu relaxing against his chest. It only took a cuddle and a very out of tune rendition of Pink Pony Club before his daughter was asleep peacefully and with that Dan's decision was made.
This was going to be his last race.
The meeting had been perfunctory. Him and Blake in the room. Emmy would have been too if she was still working with them, but she was being Supermum. Laurent and Peter apologising. That his "performance hadn't been where they wanted it". He knew the truth. Liam would get the two seats he'd been promised, and Optus wasn't as much money as they wanted. He got it, as much as he hated it.
And then getting sent out to the media where everyone fucking knew and he was stuck there laughing and joking. It wasn't even like Nat was there so he could have a friendly face. Of course it was one of the few races she didn't attend.
He'd broken his hand for this team. He'd given them everything. And now he was being sent away because they thought it was past it. It fucking sucked. He'd been a shit husband and an even shittier father for the last seven months for them, and instead he was getting turned out on his ass without so much as a by his leave.
But if this was it? If a humid ass Singapore was his final ever Formula 1 race? He was going to enjoy every moment of it and then get on a flight home to Perth with his wife and daughter. He hadn't told Em yet, hadn't known how to. Blake agreed to not say anything until he had. So he stood carefully from the couch holding the greatest achievement of his life in his arms before putting her back in her crib and getting back into bed.
Emmy was still awake, eyes half open as she looked across at him before Dan slid next to her and pressed his head to her collarbone.
"Lu asleep?"
"Fast asleep. She's had her meds and she's off to dreamland. Baby...I. Fuck. I need to tell you something." He could feel her stiffen, an arm wrapping around and holding him tightly as Dan tried to decide how to tell her, before deciding just to blurt it out. "Sunday's my last race."
"What?" The shock was clear and he looked up to see worry across her face.
"I can't keep fighting it. Got called into a meeting today and they said Sunday's my last one. I'm ready, Emmy. I'm just tired. I'm so tired of fighting and trying and being ignored. I just want you and Lu and to relax." A tear slid down his cheek before another joined it. Saying it out loud made it real. He was so fucking tired all the time. The summer break hadn't really been one because of stress. The only bright spot had been Blake and Charlie's wedding, watching their best friends get married and say their vows together was a joy. But now with Blake not able to travel as much because of Char and the baby it was too much. He didn't want to drive any longer. Driving and racing wasn't the most important thing for him, and that was fine.
"Want me to call everyone? Get your mum and dad out for a goodbye? It's a short flight, they can be on one in the morning."
"I can't." His voice cracked as he spoke, but he couldn't face disappointing his parents again. They'd been in Abu Dhabi for the shit weekend with McLaren and seen how he was. He just couldn't face his mum crying and his dad puffing out his chest and being proud when being fired was nothing to be proud of. None of it was worth it. He'd rather go home and see them. "The guys are here, they came out for the annual trip and to meet the potato princess properly. Having the lads who were there to say goodbye to me in the airport when I moved to Europe for this here at the end feels right, y'know?"
The only noise in the room was Lulu's breathing, Emmy holding him tightly and kissing the top of his head.
"You know if you want to keep going we can. We had a timeline and I'll support whatever decision you make. Don't do this just because of us, ok? I don't want you to regret it." Em's voice was low but Dan shook his head against her chest, feeling the tension drain from him.
"I don't want to. I remember when Seb told me he knew he was done. I'm done. I'm good."
"So we go home then? Try to be a normal family?"
"If that sounds good to you." He could hear the cautious optimism in Em's voice.
"We'll be as normal as a family can be with a go-kart and motocross track in the back garden. But it sounds good to me, Baby. I'm proud of you."
He didn't think he'd sleep that night but he did, feeling Em's arms around him while he slept. He woke up the opposite of refreshed, but ready for the weekend ahead. Keep a grin on his face, pretend it was fine, and then go home. He could do it.
The first job was to tell the guys. Blake got a text asking to come over with Charlie and Steve, and the lads got one to come over twenty minutes later. It felt impossible and tough but he had to do it. He had to tell them.
Watching his best mate and wife come into the suite with Steve right behind them just made it crystalise that it was the right decision. Charlie was showing, a little bump already visible that she kept a hand on at all times. He couldn't wait for them to have their baby, and he didn't want to make them travel with an infant. This he could fix at least.
"What's up? What's going on?" Charlie looked from him to Em and back again, red painted lips frowning. "I'm worried about you, is Lu ok?"
"Lulu's fine. She's asleep, I'm gonna get her up in a few minutes." Dan took Emmy's hand as she spoke, running his thumb along her knuckles. Taking a deep breath he just said it.
"Sunday is my last race. Laurent and Peter told me yesterday."
There was consternation, there were arguments, but Blake knew him too well and knew he was done. His best mate gave him a hug and promised that he was proud, Charlie following suit. Em kept a hold of his hand as he spoke, watching them all. It was really happening. He was retiring.
He'd never thought he'd be retired at 35. That sounded fucking insane, retired at 35 years old. His dad was twice his age and wasn't retired. But this was his chance to go enjoy being a dad and a husband. To finally give Emmy everything he'd promised her for their year off that she gave up.
Telling the guys was easier now he'd said it once. It was asking if he was sure and giving him and Em a hug. Lulu was awake by then and excited by everyone who was in the room, giggling and bubbly compared to how sore she was the night before. It felt like another sign of how this was right. He was making the right call.
On the way to the track he held Em's hand as he drove, Lu in her car seat in the back. He got this. It'd be fine.
---
Em watched her husband as he did what he always did, grinning and answering media questions as if their hearts weren't breaking. She kept to herself, only speaking to Pierre and the mechanics from the team. Peter had tried coming over to her, but one look made him stop, nod, and turn away. She wouldn't have held her tongue if he'd spoken to her.
At least Grace and Joe were on the way. Dan had said no, but she knew full well he'd want them there when he got out of the car. Blake had organised a charter to keep it hidden, Cal and Ryder getting on the plane too. They were due to land after FP2, meeting them in the hotel. Grace had promised that she was looking after Lulu even with the teething. Em couldn't be thankful enough for her parents in law who loved her with every fibre of their being.
She knew she'd lost weight. Her belts were pulled tighter, tshirts looser. It happened whenever she was stressed. She stopped eating and lost weight and she'd just hoped she could last until the end of the season. She was barely even breastfeeding Lu anymore, relying on formula and the purees and baby food her daughter had started eating so she didn't have to force herself to eat to feed their daughter. She knew the thoughts were bad and she should have said something, but she couldn't.
A horrible, bitter part of her was delighted that Dan wasn't racing after this weekend. She hated that piece of her so much. She truly wanted her husband to do what he loved and be happy but she couldn't deal with it any longer. Even a smaller series would be better. It wasn't not trusting Dan in the car - Em trusted every single inch of him - but it was the media. The world was invested in knowing everything about who she was and who their daughter was and she couldn't cope much longer with it. She was used to the media. Dan had inadvertently signed up for it. She sort of knew what she was getting into. Lulu didn't have a choice in any of this. She was born into it and that wasn't right.
All Emma wished for was that Dan had made the decision and it hadn't been forced on him.
Blake stood beside her for every session, Steve on the other side of her. Even when she'd sworn to never trust anyone the way she'd trusted Michael after how he'd hurt them, Steven had just wormed his way into her heart. She trusted him with all of her and her family and he understood how careful that was for her. So she stood for the final Friday with the blue earphones on her head as she listened to Dan and Pierre.
Keeping the secret from Dan that everyone was on their way felt impossible. Michelle and her family couldn't come but she'd promised Em they'd be at the airport to see them all home when they arrived in Perth. Instead Em focused on their daughter and making sure Lu took the baby painkillers which stopped her from sobbing as much.
When they arrived into the suite the lights were on, Joe and Grace sitting on the couch there. Em watched as Dan stopped still, staring at them for a moment.
"Mama? Dad?" He sounded like a child and it barely took a moment for him to reach out to clutch them. Em closed the door behind them and took Lu out of her carrier as Dan held his parents. A sob emerged from her husband and she watched as Grace somehow got him to the couch while Joe came over to take Lu.
"We'll head in the bedroom, yeah? Give them a minute." It was easy to follow her father in law into the other room and sit on the edge of the bed while he followed suit, waving at Lulu who smiled with a drooly grin. "She's teething?"
"Yeah. Had a meltdown last night with it. I don't even know how she's smiling with how she was."
"Cause she was probably picking up on Dan's tension. How are you doing with everything? It's a big change." Em sighed and twisted her wedding and engagement rings around on her finger.
"Part of me is happy? Just to be out of the circus. But he doesn't deserve this. They're not even giving him Austin, Joe. That kills me. We've the pop up ready to go and he won't be there." The unfairness of it all hurt. The Longhorns helmet ready to go for Austin, Dan already plotting his facial hair for it. Christian's smarmy looking after Dan. The as good as signed contract after Spa and the celebration. And then nothing. From getting the Red Bull seat to unemployed in three races. The idea of Max's reaction made her smile a little.
"Who knows?"
"The heads, Liam, Blake, Charlie, Steve, and the guys. Dan's telling his mechanics after the race. He doesn't want people to know it's his last race, he just wants to do it and we'll go home." Joe put a hand over Em's, stilling her anxious movements.
"Take a breath, Emmy. We've got you, Sweetheart. We've got you and Danny and Luna. I promise. You don't have to be the strong one here. Let us support you."
"I'm just so angry." Her anger dissolved into tears as she leaned against Joe and cried. Anger for their dreams. Anger for their plans. Anger that they didn't have the good grace to let him finish the year. Anger that they didn't just get rid of him in the summer. It hurt her heart in all the wrong places and she couldn't help but sob it out. Joe's arm went around her shoulders and rubbed her arm, and she could feel him whispering to her as she cried.
"It's my fault." The words were quiet as her sobs lessened, Em needing to get it out. "It's my fault the start of the season was so bad. How was he supposed to do a better job racing when he had a newborn daughter and a mess of a wife? I couldn't remember anything. I left our hotel keys behind us before. He had to fix all that, of course it made his work harder."
"Why didn't you tell us? We could have helped." The kind words made the guilt thicker in Em's throat, swallowing to get the words out.
"Cause I felt awful. I've always relied on my brain and it kept betraying me. It's better now, but when I was pregnant and after having Lu it was so so hard. I was a bad mum."
"Grace was like that after she had the kids. Especially Chelle. One day she called me from the neighbours in tears because she walked out without her keys while four month old Chelle was in her crib. It's not your fault Emmy. I promise. Everyone goes through it. It doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you human. And if Danny didn't help you I'd kill him for not. I promise he doesn't blame you."
"I just want to go home, Dad." The guilt surged through her as she spoke. "I want to go home. I want to be at home on the farm and just be a mum and a wife and watch Lu there. I want her to grow up with family the way I never did."
"Then we're gonna go do that." Joe was soft, supporting Em as his words fixed in her mind. Going home. Home.
"What if Dan doesn't want to?" It was the biggest fear she had. Dan not wanting to go home, wanting to stay travelling the world.
"He wants you to be happy. We'll have the three of you back home, and Lu can have the time of her life with good parents and the family she's got. You're such a good mum to her, Emmy. She's so loved. And we're proud of you for it. I know how hard it's been and you're so good at it. Maybe we don't tell you enough."
"You do." Every phone call they said it. But her brain just hated the thought, didn't believe it often. She still struggled. "Just my ridiculous brain not believing you."
"You still in therapy?" Joe's voice was quiet as Lulu moved in her crib.
"Yeah. Twice a week on bad weeks." Mildred was truly a godsend for her.
"Still taking your medication?"
"Mmmhm." The tiny pills she took every morning with her multivitamin and the smoothie Dan made her. She hated them but they helped. It was worth it. "Psychiatrist every month. Plus blood tests every month too. We upped my dose last month. Plus he...he gave me a diagnosis. PTSD. I didn't think that happened to people who didn't deal with war."
"It happens to people who deal with hard things. You spent all that time trying to protect yourself, you didn't have anyone to help you. Now you do, kiddo. You're doing a good job, sweetheart. I promise. When we all head home how about you and Dan and Lu stay with us for a week? Let us look after you." The smile in his voice was clear and Em looked up at him, a watery smile spreading on her cheeks.
"I'd like that."
"Even parents need parents. C'mon and I'll tuck you in and send that husband of yours in. The two of you need sleep, don't you?"
"Yeah, I do. I don't remember the last time someone looked after me like this." She hugged her father in law tightly before Joe pulled the covers back on the bed, helping her in and covering her up. It was a kiss to her forehead and Em could feel sleep overtaking her, the stress weighing on her finally starting to disappear.
She woke up too early the next day to her husband wrapped around her, a noise from the end of their bed startling her slightly as she went to get up.
"Just me, Emmy. I can hear my smallest grandbaby mumbling, getting her some fresh teething gel. Go back to sleep, baby." Grace's hand ran over her arm as Em lay back against Dan, letting sleep come over her again.
Their alarm went off too early, Em stretching against Dan and kissing him before slipping from bed. The anguish and despair from the night before had turned back to anger at Laurent and Peter for what they'd done. At Marko and his bullshit. At Horner and his lies. So instead of getting comfy, Em prepared for war.
A hot shower and putting on clothes that made her feel good, mixed with the pair of patent leather wedge heels that came around the world with her as a just in case pair of shoes. Every single thing she wore - from the lavender underwear to the navy blue jeans - were gifts from her husband. Her jewellery was classy, understated, and gifts from him too. The world thought of her as his wife, and she was going to play the part in this meeting. And take VCARB for what she could get.
She changed from this armoured woman to a melt in a blink, Lu reaching over for a cuddle from her mum. Em's lipstick left a pink sheen against her cheeks, Lu grinning at the unusual feeling and grasping dark brown strands before Em untangled her hair from her daughter.
Dan raised an eyebrow at the makeup she wore, fully aware why she was doing it. Two hours before practice was the meeting that all three of them would be in - her, Dan, and Blake. Just Blake was doing the final meeting with Red Bull, but they both wanted her in there for this one.
Sitting in the small office as the F1Academy cars trundled around on track, Em sat straight up. Laurent looked at them, but before he could speak she opened her mouth.
"I get the realities of this sport. I've been around here for long enough, and I'm not a stupid woman. I also know Horner won't show his face in this meeting. But promising Daniel that seat and taking it away? It's disgraceful. And now you're kicking him out because you're too afraid to upset a billionaire and you're dragging my husband's name through the mud." Her heart was thundering as she spoke, Dan's hand on her thigh.
"Emma-" Peter began to speak, a cajoling tone as he said her name but she wouldn't take it.
"No. Don't you dare 'Emma' me. You know very well what you're doing and the things you're saying. And you know what you promised him, and you promised me. Last year in Silverstone, Peter. You looked at me and you told me you wouldn't treat him like McLaren, but you ended up being even worse than them." The words hit where she wanted them to and she could see the shock on his face.
"We're no-"
"For all the bullshit with Zak, he never said he was happy with his performance. Never. You did."
"We were." Laurent tried to cut in but Em wouldn't let him.
"Stop lying. I highly doubt you have any right now, but if you have any dignity at all please stop lying. Not only to my face, but to my husband's face." She could feel the way Blake stiffened beside her but he didn't cut her off, letting her keep her nerve. She knew if she stopped she wouldn't speak again.
"Emma we were. There were circumstances be-"
"Circumstances like what? A cracked chassis? Red Bull being worse than Alpine at contracts? I know the situation, and you want to get out of here with some reputation intact. No fuss. No big show, no announcement. Retirement announced on Wednesday so we can be at home and away from the bullshit."
"We were planning a-"
"No." Her voice was firm. If they were firing her husband she wasn't letting them use him as a show pony again.
"But we thought-"
"No. You don't get to decide my husband's career. It's over. Dan is making an Instagram post on Wednesday. You can do whatever you want, but we don't want any fuss, no nothing. If you had the decency to let him finish out the year then this would be a very different conversation, but now I don't want to hear those plans. We're doing this our way." She took a slow breath as she tried to hide her anxiety. That stupid feeling of anger and fear filled her as she breathed it out. This was for Dan. His hand squeezing her thigh slowly was a reminder that she was doing the right thing.
"Daniel, are you not going to speak?" She could tell as Dan took a breath before he responded.
"Em is saying exactly what I'd say, except a hell of a lot nicer than I would. Why the fuck would I want to do donuts in Singapore when there's six races left. I'm getting the helmet I had ready for Abu Dhabi flown in so I can use it." The conversation was going nowhere and she was done. This was pointless. Before she could speak Blake did and she was so happy he knew her so well.
"Since you clearly have no power here I'm discussing the buyout with Red Bull. But things are happening the way Emma said. Dan's right, you're lucky she's the one speaking in this meeting because she's being way nicer than you cunts deserve right now."
"Blake, we can-"
"Anything else you want to say Em?"
She took a deep breath, looking at the two men. For the first time she could see guilt in their eyes, but she couldn't care anymore.
"You made us a promise. And I know in F1 that promises aren't always kept, but you didn't have to lie to us. We're all fucking adults here. We won't speak badly about the team as long as you all keep Daniel's name out of your mouths. Including Helmut. And before you say you can't do it, that's what's going to happen. If he starts criticising we can talk."
When she finished speaking she stood, her husband and brother walking back with her. They made it back to Dan's driver room and the three of them hid in it. Quiet for just a moment was what they needed before Blake spoke.
"Most of the contract is organised. No ambassador role, no sponsorship. Full payout for two years. It's me and Horner, and I've enough fucking dirt on him to bury him. We promised no lawyers in the room. Anything else you want?"
"Silverstone replica." Em's voice was low but she swallowed and said it again. "His ninth win. Silverstone. He did that in that car. Dan. Same way we got the Monza one?"
"Got it covered, Timmy. Promise."
The silence was still with them before Dan's sigh broke it. "I was in his fucking wedding. I hate this. I hate all of it. It just hurts."
She turned on the small sofa to face him, legs hooking over Dan's lap. "We do this. You get through practice and quali and then we go hug our baby girl and be loved by our friends and family, ok? You've got this. I promise you can do it."
It hurt to watch Blake walk out the door, and it hurt for Em to have to leave the room to let Dan and Steve get him ready for practice. But she did what she had to do, standing up and going down to the garage. Em knew the cameras would be on her, and she had to pretend nothing was happening. So she did.
Qualifying was painful. She held her head up high and watched as Dan was barely caught out, Pierre turning his head and mouthing his apologies to her. It wasn't Pierre's fault. She wouldn't blame him. He'd been nothing but supportive and friendly to them, making Lulu grin when he came over to wave at her and treat her like his own niece. She knew she could rely on him.
That evening as the paddock emptied out the three of them snuck into the garage. It was just them, a couple of lights on in the garage. One of the first photos they had was of Lu sitting on the car, and she wanted one of the three of them with it. This was real. Her husband had driven in over 250 Formula One Grands Prix. He'd scored points. He'd run the Mercedes domination close in a car that shouldn't have. They'd travelled the world with their infant daughter and she needed proof that it was real.
As Dan went to set up the small tripod he'd brought with him, a movement startled Em. Stepping out from one of the aisles was Pierre, a frown on his face as he took in the sight in front of him.
"It's true, then? I didn't want to believe the rumours. It isn't right." She could see the dismay on his face, barely nodding while trying to keep her composure. Dan stood and nodded, the engineer walking over and wrapping Dan in a hug. When they separated, he came over and kissed Em's cheek, placing one on Lulu's forehead too.
"I'm sorry, Emma. I'm so sorry." It was the first apology she'd received from anyone in the entire team that actually felt sincere.
"Thank you. Pierre, can you do us a favour? We wanted a photo of the three of us. Could you?" He smiled and nodded, taking Dan's Leica from his hands and getting them to stand and smile. The flash went off and it healed a piece of her battered heart. Even in the bullshit, here was someone who had loved her husband and cared about her. That was special.
They thought the hotel suite would be quiet when they got back, but instead everyone was there. There was a takeout feast spread out across the table, Dan's arm keeping Em upright as she saw all of their loved ones there. Dan's family, their friends, Blake and Charlie, Charlie's brother Cal and his boyfriend. All there to support Dan because he was their Dan too. It was a room filled with love and she was so happy to have them even under such awful circumstances.
When they'd all finally sat down Charlie held her arm out, pulling Em into a side hug and kissing her temple. They'd barely spent time together this weekend, Em's world revolving around finalities. But her best friend was still there, holding her and that meant everything.
"Love you Ems." Charlie whispered, before lowering her ear to Lu. "And you too, Miss Lulu. Come here and let your parents eat. I've got her."
"Morning sickness bad?" Em asked as she watched her daughter settle easily.
"All day sickness. It's ok. But I've been eating all day I can't face a proper meal. I'll eat later, Blake will make me." She grinned wickedly before picking at some chips on the table, making Em smile back. God she was lucky.
The atmosphere started forced, but it lightened as conversations began. Dan kept his hand on Em's thigh and she could feel the pressure lighten as he relaxed too, chatting with Cal and introducing him to the rest of their friends. It was what she needed, just to be calm and unwind and feel the love that surrounded them. Nearly everyone at the table knew them before they were Dan and Em. Knew Dan before he was Daniel Ricciardo. They had all of this to look forward to as some of the guys played peekaboo with Lulu, making her grin and wave at them.
As everyone left the room hugs were exchanged, Em watching as Cal and Ryder hugged Dan. She could barely hear the words exchanged, but they filled her heart to overflowing as she strained to hear.
"Why the fuck did you two cunts come all the way here?" Dan asked, cursing hiding the nerves.
"Because I wanted to support you." Cal's honesty was quick and easy. "I told you when we met. You made me love racing. And now I get to call you my friend too. I want to be here to support my friend and my hero, I get to do both at the same time."
Tears were shed as his words sank in, Dan clutching the younger men in a hug before letting them go. It was heartbreaking and hopeful. He'd really, really changed lives. He'd inspired kids. That...that meant something. It really did.
Em watched her husband get into bed first, holding his arms out for a half asleep Luna. Lu stirred slightly as she got comfortable, watching Dan with curious brown eyes. She was growing into her face, a Ricciardo more and more every day. Once Em put her stretched out Race Service shirt on she crawled in beside Dan, her book in her hand. His arm wrapped around her as she got comfy and began to read out loud to her babes.
"Chapter One. In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole. And that meant comfort."
As she read her husband and daughter to sleep, even with the confusion around them, Em relaxed beside them. They were her comfort, and they'd get through it all.
If she was honest, Em barely remembered the race. She knew all of Dan's friends were around them, sandwiching her and holding her up when she just felt sick the entire time. She remembered the roars they let out when he had his pitstop, the confusion on that final lap stop and the realisation that it was to take fastest lap from Lando. Watching him do it to perfection, showing that even when he was down he wasn't out. And that final message the feed shared, Max saying he owed Dan a Christmas present.
It was done. Her husband's final Formula One race, coming last and hopefully helping Max win his fourth championship. He'd done it. Two hundred and fifty eight races. Nine race wins. Four pole positions. He'd won Monaco, Silverstone, and seven other tracks. She was forever proud of all he'd accomplished. She always would be. The way it was ending was undignified and heartbreaking, but he was her Danny. Her boy from the Perth suburbs had fought and had an eleven year career in the sport that chewed up and spat people out too easily. She couldn't be happier for him.
The walk back to hospitality was short, everyone there surrounding her and buoying her spirits. Em just let their words wash over her, delight in that even with what had happened, this was what mattered. That right here were people who loved her and Dan and their daughter. No matter what, they would always have that.
Seeing Charlie's brother made her want to cry, the younger man looking bittersweet. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling into a hug.
"I'm so glad you both made it. Seriously. It's wonderful." He smiled at her words, nodding and watching the scenes as people started packing up.
"You ok?"
"We will be." And it was the truth. Dan would come back after media, after having to deal with ridiculous tributes to a career that everyone knew was dead and buried but couldn't fully admit it yet. He'd arrive back and be loved by all of them, and they'd go back to the hotel. And in the morning they'd organised a plane for everyone to head back to Perth together. There'd be family waiting at the airport and then it was to Grace and Joe's for a few days to be looked after. Phones off, family time.
Finally back with everyone Grace handed her Luna, half awake and happy that her mama was there with her. Lulu just wanted a giant cuddle from her mother, held tightly and confused at being up so late, but loving all the new uncles she'd gotten to know. The guys had all talked about Lu meeting their kids, being part of the gang that now came to every formerly drunken barbecue that had kids toys and bottles of milk instead of vodka. It was a new life for them, but it'd be a good one. Em knew it would be.
"He's coming, c'mon!" It was Joe who nudged her out of her thoughts, pulling Em up with Lu in her arms as the group ran outside hospitality to welcome Dan back for the final time.
Em stood there cheering, Lulu against her not knowing what was going on but yelling just as loudly. The moment she realised it was for her dad she got extra excited, a kiss against their daughter's head the final thing Dan did before going inside. Instead of going in Em stood there in the Singapore heat, looking around. It was over. They were done.
"Pass her over to uncle Blake?" Em turned to where her affectionately nicknamed Tall Blake was, holding out his arms to take Lulu. She'd been passed around Dan's friends and their family all weekend, the men taking turns to tire her out. She didn't know what she'd have done without them there to help and make things easier.
"I think she's about ready for bed."
"Perfect. Charlie's tired too, so we were talking to her and Steve. The group of us are gonna leave with Lu and head back to the hotel. You and Dan and Blake stay here as long as you need, soak it in. He knows we're all so fucking proud of him, right?"
"He knows." Em blinked back her tears, grinning and kissing Lu's cheek. "We all know. Thanks for being here. We needed people."
"Any fucking time, you know that. We all adore him."
Em hugged everyone goodbye, waving to an already napping Lulu. They were so goddamn lucky that even on a day filled with sadness and awfulness that they were so loved. That somehow her little family was filled with all these people who adored them and took her in and let her just be. It meant the world.
It was a slow walk upstairs, nodding at Dan's mechanics. They and Pierre had always, always been on his side and she couldn't thank them enough. She couldn't be grateful enough that even with the bullshit they were there and supporting them. But she finally made it up, knocking on the door and going inside. The room felt empty, the photos on the wall gone. Just blank walls and Dan's backpack sitting on a table.
"Where's Lu?" Her husband's first words are as he reached out and pulled her into his lap.
"With Char and everyone. They've all gone back to the hotel, told me to tell you to soak everything in and they're proud of you. We love you."
"Love you too."
"It's over, Memy. It's actually over. I didn't think..." His voice trailed off and Em just leaned against him as she felt the tension leave Dan's body.
"Do I want to know how you feel?"
"Worn out. Won't sink in till the announcement I reckon. But I don't want to leave yet."
"Then we can stay."
She watched Dan get changed in near silence, his pink helmet from the race sitting on the small table. The little symbols that told their story - a lemon, water, the sun. A paper plane. A bow for Lu, a pair of glasses for Blake and Charlie's red lipstick immortalised. The tiniest pair of blue booties hidden in the design for their still cooking godson. There were so many tiny references in it that she loved as she'd watched Dan design it and get the references just right. He handed the still slightly damp one to her as she watched him pull the spare out, writing on the tearoff and turning it for her to see.
Pierre - what a damn run, eh? Sorry for breaking my hand and not getting a podium for us. Thank you for everything you've done for me and welcoming me, and merci for not punishing my awful French. Second best engineer I've ever had. Love - Daniel
The first tear fell as she read the message he'd left for Pierre, Em grinning through it. She wouldn't change it. Even with everything that had happened, even with the hardship and difficulty and pain and frustration. She couldn't change it because that would make it not what they'd lived. It'd make it fake.
It wasn't the only message she'd watched him write that weekend. One for Steve, one for Blake and Charlie. His race worn one was going on their helmet wall, the final piece of the design.
The door opened, Blake coming in with a smile on his face. It was the three of them together in the end. Standing in a tiny driver's room, looking at each other.
"Got it all. The Silverstone trophy's being delivered next week. All of it."
It was a hug for her big brother and a gasped thank you as Em forced all the love and thanks and grace she had left in her body to him, determined to make him feel it. He'd done it and gotten Dan what he deserved in the midst of a shit situation, and that was another silver lining. She could deal with all of this.
"Where is everything?" The words slipped out before she could stop them. "The photos, Lu's stuff? all your stuff?"
"I got Char to do it during the race. It's all packed away neatly to unpack at home. I couldn't do it, Emmy. I couldn't watch you do it." She held his hand as Dan pulled her back to him, the three of them sitting on a too small couch as they waited for everyone to be ready to leave. The paddock was emptying, getting quieter and quieter as they listened.
"I think I'm ready." Dan broke the silence, his bag in his hand. This was it. The final walk.
So Emma Ricciardo took her husband's hand and walked out of the Singapore Grand Prix paddock beside him. Just before they stepped outside she took one final look back at the lights, at the nearly empty area now most of the staff had gone home.
"Any regrets?" Blake asked the two of them. She knew Dan's - not staying at Red Bull to fight. Not winning a championship. Being too loyal and not moving to Mercedes. But her? She wouldn't have changed it. She paid the highest possible price, but she'd gotten everything she'd dreamed of.
"I got my husband, my daughter, and my brother from this. It's worth the trade."
And with a final beep as she scanned her pass, Em left the paddock.
Hi!! Is this page abandoned now as Danny is out of F1? 🥺
It's not! Just because Danny isn't racing doesn't mean Em and Dan's story is finished. Our babes have a full life that we'll keep writing about and talking about if people are interested
Hi!! Is this page abandoned now as Danny is out of F1? 🥺
It's not! Just because Danny isn't racing doesn't mean Em and Dan's story is finished. Our babes have a full life that we'll keep writing about and talking about if people are interested
This entire weekend has left such an emptiness and is giving “how did it end?” vibes. I just want to cry
Don't even mention it. Its been weird and sad. Emptiness is exactly the word to use. And yes, "How did it end?" its absolutely the vibe. Still in denial and still trying to process it. 💔
Wrinkles and Dimples @callmewrinkles3 - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
