tw for depression and suicide
A very happy holiday season to everyone who celebrates, and all the happiness to those who don’t. Where has this year gone? I feel as though it went by even faster than usual. This year has been difficult, for me, but there’s been a lot of nice changes as well!
As some already know, I’ve been struggling with depression for a long time now. It started about ten years ago, and twisted who I knew I was, into someone else. It seemed like it was thing after another. I was doing horrible in university, and I got diagnosed with endometriosis and adenomyosis. Soon after, they found a large cyst which wouldn’t stop growing. I had surgery, and luckily, it was benign. I stopped being able to find happiness in things. I wasn’t excited about anything. I didn’t feel anything. Terrible things would happen to me and I just let it. Eventually, I stopped getting out of bed, for days at a time. I barely ate, and if I did, it was a binge. I stopped taking care of myself, stopped reaching out to friends, and badly isolated myself. If I did feel anything, it was misery. I could write about such happy things, but I never felt it myself.
I was going to commit suicide this year. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I had a letter written, and I had a plan. I was stepping out the door to kill myself when a friend sent me a message. It wasn’t anything important. It was just a simple “how are you?” I broke down on the front step of my house. My SO came home shortly after, and I surrendered my suicide letter to them.
My doctor was very understanding and we figured out the medication that I needed, and I was given a therapist. It took me ten years to finally ask for help. I had more surgery to remove cysts, have the walls of my uterus scraped, and my endometriosis cauterized. Medication has helped keep me steady, while the therapy helped me cope better. I can laugh now, without forcing it because it’s expected. I can smile and that smile is a real one. I can cry now. Even on the days when I slip back, when all of it feels for naught, I can cry and I know there’s change because of it.
I’ve gone no-contact with the entirety of my family. I grew up in an abusive household. I left the moment I could, but of course it all stays with you. That unfortunate baggage… which never stopped being added to. I changed the locks on my house. I blocked their numbers, their emails. What messages do get through are filled with vitriol and hate. If they show up at my home, I’ll be calling the police before they can lay their hands on me. It was past time that I started standing up for myself. Instead of being afraid, passive, beaten. It’s not easy, of course it’s not. That’s my mom and dad. I’ve stopped trying to hold on for those fleeting moments of good, but it doesn’t mean I don’t still want them. Unfortunately, that’s just not an option.
So this Christmas, I’ll be spending it with people who love me. Instead of spending it with people where love had conditions, strict rules. It’s taken me too long to get here, but I am glad I’m here.
I’m glad you’re here too.
tangentwithtanner
ellievsbear
dededos
kianamaiart
turnnoffyourmind
prguitarman
