Candella

[canadianraisins]

You were everything to me

I was nothing to you,

life got you used to the damages, the burns, stained chairs, debt. You're so close to the fire you can't feel the burn.

It still didn't make sense . Why I lost touch with reality, that my happiness filled me with enough joy that I felt full, whole, that bottle one else mattered . No one had before because I didn't either. But with you I felt that spark, the flair in the distance that showed maybe one person cared - and you did

But not in the way I free to care for you, you became my everything , yet I was just a blip on hour radar , a weak light . So to get more of you, I sold more of me. My life became second to yours when as I faded back into the how shell I was it felt real to me

And so I convinced myself the lack of attention was fine, that rejection was omah

I wasn't being loved in the way I should have , and I left myself to rot. And while you thrive on everything from me, I will become nothing

[canadianraisins]

I had a dream God asked me to kill the Devil, handed me a golden gun with a heart and told me to shoot. Problem was, I couldn’t pull the trigger. All the evidence was there, the ammo full, yet I couldn’t find it in me to wound him. How could I see the good in him, enjoy his being while everyone else saw the evil. To me he was good, a gift, it felt, he wasn’t the evil others saw, just misunderstood. And I couldn’t bear to hurt him, let alone end him.

He was the freedom of will, the lack of consequence, the adventure and spirit that I had suppressed. And to me it wasn’t bad, it was right. Maybe it was a test for me to see if I could kill that which gave me pleasure, the temptation to be free. It always was hot standing next to his fire, but I was warm and felt alive. Maybe that was the freedom of will God had given us, we had the ability to remove the evil in our life or embrace it. And it seemed I needed it.

So I couldn’t kill the devil. Did that make me evil too? That I couldn’t save anyone from the fires we had started, the raging whirlwind of spirit we enabled and entertained, because of my reluctance.

But I could leave the devil. And he would let me go.

Not sad for my absence, but glad he could corrupt me, teach me a different way; that it is okay to be free of regret. So he built me a ladder down in the earth where I could visit him in the paradise I had grown to love. The devil wasn’t made to fight God, but to fight me. And I couldn’t win.

I kept my golden gun hidden in my boot, so that I could kill the devil one day, but for now I shall visit him in his world of pleasure and freedom. Where the abuse I suffer is of my own design, and I am free.

[canadianraisins]

Some days are absolute trash no matter how many nice things happen, and you've already traded a day of your life for them, I used to stretch myself thin for the sake of spontaneity and my own mortality, but the fruits of my labor don't seem to ripen

[canadianraisins]

He shines, and so do I

....right, it definitely gives a better perspective on things, we are blessed in this life not only to be free of major ailments, but to have the freedom and ability to witness such natural beauty that isn't marred by human hands, I adore the sun, its rise and set, and every time I am able to view it, it makes my problems seem a little less, the sun does not rise because of me, I rise because of it. And it will continue long after I'm gone. We are truly lucky to have lived here.

[canadianraisins]

Good morning!

[canadianraisins]

I was wishing on a dream that was destined for failure, something that my brain had warned me about. Theoretically it could work, as long as I ignored the signs, the facts, evidence that would prove my brain right. But, I thought, I could at least follow my heart one more time. The hurt, my brain argued, outweighed the reward. So i fought against the truth and decided to go after the one thing that had lit my heart aflame again. It had hurt the first time, losing to my mind like that. But here was something so perfect and wrapped up in all the attributes and desires i loved. He was only a wolf in sheep’s clothes, so I learned. However, I couldn't learn fast, I had to be tortured into giving in overtime. When you add all the pain up over the years it is clear to see the hurt, and mistakes. But a year is long, and the good was there nestled in with the bad. And so I couldn't wake from this dream I had built, not until it ruined me and became the nightmare it always was. 

[canadianraisins]

Winter in Canada

[canadianraisins]

mucca 

[canadianraisins]

Worth

You cannot sell your worth to someone who cannot afford the cost

[canadianraisins]

That's on you

Not talking with you during the week was a way of protecting myself. From the fall that I could see coming. But you kept enticing me to the edge, filling me with promises and happiness that lifted me up, making the fall quicker. It was so good, and too sweet to be true, but I still maintained it would never be. Was I saying it to fool myself into believing I could walk away. That the hurt I felt the last time I fell had deadened me and I was more resilient this time around. No, it didn't work. The streak of happiness was easily broken by your unwillingness to commit and my heart already jumping over the edge. I was not as jealous of it as I was upset that I was put on the same level. I had fought for you, and worked hard, becoming something that made me happy; what I thought made us happy. But this was nothing compared to me and yet here I am the hurt one because "that's on me" if I wanted to be hurt. That I could leave and spare myself, because it didn't matter that it would hurt me, you were alright with that, my heart and feelings, sacrifices and love weren't going to stop you from having a good time. But I should have been respected, listened to instead of cut off, yelled at, and pawned to every guy hoping that I would take the bait and give you that excuse. But I can't, that's not me, you knew that so the only way you could get me gone was to hurt me, and it worked. I fell over that edge a long time ago it seemed, and this brought me to the light that it always seems to be this way . I can't believe you would even tell me that we would be the same and that it didn't matter. But it mattered, so much to me. And you were willing to throw me away for something that doesn't matter to you.

[canadianraisins]

Epcot is so beautiful this time of year during the Flower and Garden Festival. I love seeing the topiaries, and those beautiful floating flower pods.

[canadianraisins]

Irrelevant

The sad part was despite the truth still believed it was two sides, that I could buy my worth from someone who could not afford it in the first place. I pretended that I was wanted and made them join me through bribes. Am I really that difficult to be around? That their hugs goodbye were fleeting, and left me distraught because I wished the time to not end, but they were glad it had. I cannot however be mad, it was me who clung to them, even when they changed, even when they wanted to leave, I am the last one holding on. And I fear the pain of letting go. That all our past and happiness and experience was for nothing, and I will be irrelevant in their lives. They mattered to me, I only wished that it was the same for them.

[canadianraisins]

I'm the clay, not the artist

I bend and form with every touch of a hand Displaying every caress, embrace, cut, or punch on my fragile skin Forever to accept these impressions, never to return to my original innocence I long to be complete, that the artist finishes my form, and that finally I can leave an impression upon them, That I am whole, and cannot change I am what the artist had created, and the fire made me stronger

[canadianraisins]

I was drawn to the ocean today. The soles of my bare feet bending as the planks lifted worn under the pressure of my step. The sand, still cool from the nights low, caressing my toes and enveloping them in a strange embrace. She was serene and peaceful, breaking only as her waves kissed the shore. A welcoming breeze fluttered across my face blowing my hair back and forcing a fresh breath into my body. The shore, a wide expanse, felt comforting with the ocean beside it. Her azure waters provided a beautiful palette against the sky and as the sun rose, a soft flame sparked over the horizon, releasing her from the night. The ocean welcomed this change, allowing it to glide across her surface, illuminating the world around her. The day had begun and it felt right to witness this beauty.

[canadianraisins]

Giving

If I asked you for a favor would you laugh? Would it not occur to you that you have asked me countless times for favors in all forms, where I didn't even blink before agreeing. Some people are born to give I guess. To have their scales tipped constantly towards the negative where nothing positive comes their way. That no matter how often we are hurt, we rise, to offer our hand instead of taking one. And our struggle falls on deaf ears to those who benefit from our charity. I wonder how it would feel to ask you for help? To do something for me, for that extra 40$ just to get by. Would you make up an excuse? Would it be inconvenient? Because it isn't easy, giving all the time. It requires a special person who can take the hits, who have their life together so that they won't suffer other than mentally for the void that your favors have carved from us. That over time we find another way to fill that empty space, the missing favors that riddle us with wounds. Because in that emptiness we place hope and feed it with our resilience, that we are prepared to be wounded, that we can heal and convince ourselves that we did the right thing and we are being helpful. And truly I don't want to be like you. Dependent on others for catching my own problems. Because no one likes people like that. Although both are difficult in their own ways, I'd rather be giving.

[canadianraisins]

This mornings sunrise does not define itself by last night's sunset

[canadianraisins]