“I love you.” (Joji)
Anon Request: Joji with a childhood best friend who he's in love with but she has a boyfriend. The only thing that's stopped him is the fear of rejection.
Joji’s POV
I sat at the edge of the front porch steps chewing on my fingernails, a nervous habit I tried to quit multiple times but had no success in doing so. I couldn’t sit still, I couldn’t think…I could barely bring myself to eat this morning. I don’t really wanna do this, right? I thought to myself. No, I can’t. This back and forth battle between my brain and my heart was starting to make more sick to my stomach than I already was. If I leave right now, she’d never know I was here…now’s my chance to just forget this and go home. She hasn’t even responded to my text yet. I thought about going for a walk since the weather was meant for one. Not a cute little small walk, but one of those long hikes that take your mind off of something that by the time you notice you’re lost, you no longer are thinking about why you started walking in the first place.
I exhaled heavily and stood up with my back towards the door and the stairs. I took one step forward and began to walk away from the apartment complex slower than I thought I would, almost as if I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t make it very far until I heard a soft voice from behind me, “Joji?”
My heart came to a halt as I froze in place. Turning around quickly, I tried to wipe the worried look I had on my face and replaced it with a toothy smile, “Y/N! Hey…” I beamed.
“I’m sorry I didn’t read your message right away.” she heaved as I made my way over to her, “I was driving and there was a shit ton of traffic, but I had a feeling you were gonna be here so I came as fast as I could.”
I took ahold of her large duffel bag as she walked up the steps to the door and unlocked it in a rush. I held the door for her to walk in ahead of me and I shuffled into the foyer quickly behind her while the heavy door shut behind us.
“How are you?” she asked smiling at me as we entered the elevator.
“Um…” I cleared my throat, “Pretty good…can’t really complain.”
I avoided her gaze and looked either at my feet or straight ahead, awkwardly.
“You sure?” she questioned, hugging herself due to the sudden coldness in the elevator.
“Yeah.” I chuckled, “I’m great.”
We reached her floor with a sudden jolt followed by a loud dinging sound. Y/N was brief to get out of the elevator, squeezing through the doors before they even had a chance to fully open. I trailed behind her light steps as she swayed flawlessly down the hall as she jingled her keys. We finally reached the end of the hall and were face to face with her door. Entering her large apartment, I set the duffel bag down on the couch as I shut the door behind me.
“Thank you for carrying my bag.” she giggled, “I found it kinda heavy.”
“Yeah, it is a little heavy.” I admitted.
“Yeah, I stayed over at Kevin’s for a few days.” she spoke from the kitchen, as she was getting us some water, “His parents were in town and since he lives nearly on the other side of the city, he somehow convinced me to stay for a few days so I didn’t have to constantly go back and forth.”
The sick feeling washed over me again. Kevin. I looked at the picture she had of her with him on nearly side table, polaroids she posted of the two of them on her walls, pictures of them on her TV stand. I sat on the couch and tilted my head back, licking my dry lips as I shut my eyes tightly, I felt the room spinning.
“Here you go.” she practically whispered.
I jumped at the sound of her soft voice. I opened my eyes to see her holding a glass of water in front of my face. I lightly grabbed the glass and mumbled a quiet ‘thank you’. I took slow, small sips and placed the glass on the coffee table in front of me once the glass was half empty. Y/N sat next to me on the couch, her back against the armrest as she sat with her legs crossed, cradling her glass of water with the palms of her hands in between her crossed legs.
“Hey,” she searched for my gaze, “What’s going on? I know you said you were good, but you can’t really lie to me. You’re my best friend, I know you.”
For the first time in a little over two weeks, I looked into her eyes and took her features all in. She was fresh faced dressed in her cuffed overalls, her messy hair reminding me of the first time I had ever met her:
We were eight; I had just moved into the small suburban area that became my new home from Japan. I sat on my front steps squinting at the sunlight, trying to take in my new surroundings. Without noticing the frisbee that was being thrown at me to my right due to the sudden blindness of the sun, I was hit on the side of the head by the flying disk.
“Im sorry!” she shouted from the lawn next to mine, her small feet whisking through the uncut grass as she made her way over to me.
“Ow…” I mumbled as I picked up the frisbee that crash-landed next to my foot.
“Hi…I’m sorry…I wanted to be nosy and make it go over there but it hit you…I’m sorry.” she admitted, blushing from the embarrassment as she pointed to an area on my front lawn.
“It’s okay.” I said as I handed her the frisbee once she was stood in front of me.
She was beautiful, dressed in cuffed overalls and tennis shoes. She slightly squinted as she looked at me, her hand shielding her eyes.
“I’m Y/N.” she introduced herself, “We’re neighbors, I live right there. I’ve never seen you around before.” she pointed to the house right next to mine “…Do you wanna come over and play? I have an older brother so he’s probably into the cool stuff that boys are into.”
“Uh…okay…I have to ask my mom first, though.” I said confused, I wasn’t used to people being so open and friendly.
“Okay!” she smiled, “I’ll wait here.”
I opened my front door and prepared myself to go in before she asked, “Wait! What’s your name?”
“George.” I answered.
“Okay, nice to meet you George.” she smiled.
By the time we were sixteen we were inseparable. Movie nights were nearly every night, I used to hear our moms talk about us growing up and getting married and complain when we wouldn’t “give in” and date each other. At eighteen, newly graduated from high school, we decided to go on a road trip since we wanted to leave the dumbass suburb we were in. We made it a little over forty-five minutes out of town and the car broke down in the middle of the highway. I pulled off to the side of the road, not being able to see with the smoke coming from the from of the car. I looked over at her in the passenger seat and she looked at me wide eyed before clenching her lips together and bursting into a fit of laughs.
“I know I should not be laughing right now but I think we’re cursed.” she giggled, “We’re meant to be in the suburbs. This would happen to us.”
I let my head hit the headrest and laughed along with her. After a few minutes, I tried to get a hold of AAA but I had no service, and neither did Y/N, so we weren’t able to come into contact with anyone for the time being.
“We are literally being assfucked right now.” she groaned as she got out of the car and slamming the door behind her, “Come on, Joji.”
“We’re walking it?” I asked her.
“Well, duh.” she smiled, “We’ll be fine. I know where we are and once we get service, we can call our parents and tell them what happened. And we can get ahold of AAA.”
I got out of the car and followed her lead, staying as far away from the road as possible.
“How long are we walking for?” I asked.
“About an hour and a half, give or take.” she sighed as she kicked a couple of rocks out of her, “Depends on how fast we walk, slowpoke.” she joked, looking at me and smiling.
“I’m sorry.” I apologized.
“For what?” she laughed, “It’s just not our time to leave town yet, I guess. Plus, we’re getting a daily dose of exercise. We’ll be fine.” she shrugged it off.
An hour into our walk, the air smelled of rain and I felt a drop of water hit my forehead, “Shit.” I whispered.
“What’s up?” she questioned, looking over at me.
“It’s gonna rain.” I said before the drops became frequent and heavier.
Y/N grabbed my hand once she heard thunder roaring and we ran the rest of the way home through, what seemed to be, some sort of tropical storm. We reached my front steps and stood there panting for a couple of minutes before she burst out laughing once again. I looked over at her like she was crazy, but I saw her rose-colored glass view: shit like this would happen to us. She was drenched in water, her hair sticking to her face and her clothes dripping water. She took her shoes off as I unlocked the door, we bumped into each other, thinking we would fit through the doorframe together as we tried to get through.
We both took a step back, but we were still close enough that our fingertips slightly touched. I looked at her wet face and I moved strands of her damp hair out of the way and behind her ear, my heart felt like it was skipping beats as I felt a fluttering feeling in my stomach. She looked into my eyes, and without even realizing until the last minute, I noticed myself slowly moving in, our noses almost touching. Suddenly I took another step back and stuttered after I cleared my throat, “You-you can go on ahead first.”
What if she didn’t kiss me back? Or what if she stopped me? I can’t ruin our friendship due to my selfishness..
The fire in the fireplace was blazing slowly as Y/N and I sat in front of the warm flame huddled under a large fuzzy blanket together. I had lent her some clothes to change into so she didn’t have to sit in her wet clothes or get sick from being in her wet clothes too long. With her eyes glued to the fire and her small hands clutching some of the blanket, I looked at her somewhat frizzy hair, the strands glowing from the firelight. Her lashes were curled perfectly without the need of mascara, her eyes shining underneath them. She turned her head to look at me.
I swallowed hard, not knowing what to do. I had gone years without telling her I was in love with her for the sake of our friendship, yet here I was staring at her like it was the only thing keeping me alive. My eyes went from her mouth, back to her eyes. Again, I noticed myself getting closer to her like an absolute idiot. I shot up to my feet quickly, “I’m gonna go make tea.” I blurted out as I ran to the kitchen leaving her with the rest of the blanket.
“George?” her voice broke me out of my thoughts, “What’s going on?”
“I don’t know…” I breathed out.
“Is it that new girl you’re seeing?” she asked, confused.
“No. I stopped seeing her two months ago.” I answered, “I need to tell you something…and you don’t need to say anything or respond to it, but it’s been bothering me and I won’t stop hating myself until I let you know.”
She’s happy with Kevin, he makes her happy and that should be enough for me to see her content, and I know she will never feel the same and it frightens me to think that way but for the sake of preserving my mind, I need to tell her.
“Wh-“ she stopped herself, “Joji? What’s going on.”
I buried my face in my hands and rubbed my tired eyes before I turned my body to face her. Y/N had worry in her eyes, she seemed scared, and I knew that she would go from worried to disappointed if I told her.
“The last thing I ever want to do in this world is lose you.” I began, “You’re happy, and you have no idea how thrilled it makes me knowing that you have someone in your life that cares for you, but Y/N…I…I’m in love with you.”
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I wanted to give my soul just to get them back. Y/N outstretched her arm to put her glass on the coffee table but she missed by a centimeter and the glass shattered on the hardwood floor. She looked like she was going to be sick.
“What?” she whispered, ignoring the mess on the floor.
“I have been in love with you…for years.” I whispered in a breathy voice. The lump in my throat returned and the feeling of nausea washed over me, but somehow I was feeling a weight being lifted off of my chest, “I thought that seeing other girls would take my mind off of me thinking like this but it did nothing…they’re not you. They’re not who I want to see first thing in the morning, they’re not who I want to spend days talking to…I can’t eat, I can’t sleep because my thoughts are keeping me awake and it’s not your fault…it’s mine for feeling this way but I can’t help falling more in love with you every time I see you. I search for you in every girl I meet and I fail to realize they’re not you, nor will they ever be you. I spent years hiding it from you, scared that you would reject me but I’m losing my mind keeping it a secret. I try to distance myself from you in hopes that I won’t love you anymore for the sake of our friendship but it doesn’t fucking work. Nothing works. What fucks me up more is that you’re happy with someone else, and I’m beyond happy for you, and I feel like I shouldn’t tell you because you’re happy and I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I can’t…I can’t just keep this to myself anymore. I didn’t choose to fall in love with you, Y/N, it just happened.”
I felt a single tear slide down my face and I quickly wiped it with the back of my hand and sniffled as I got up off of the couch. I looked down at Y/N and she was stuck staring at the spot that I had just gotten up from, she had tears streaming down her face.
“I’m sorry.” I apologized softly.
“I…I just need some time.” she whispered, wiping her face with her hands.
I took it as my cue to leave. I drove home while my mind and heart battled each other, part of me regretted telling her but the other half felt relieved…but at what cost knowing that I lost my best friend.
Y/N’s POV (one month later)
I knocked on the newly painted front door with shaky hands, immediately mentally cursing myself at what I was doing. I tugged on the hem of my oversized jacket as I examined the eggshell colored door, I missed the light periwinkle color the Millers had before on their door. The paint before was beyond chipped from Joji and I peeling the paint off as kids, and what sucked more was that they discontinued the color at Home Depot so they had to settle for this somewhat crappy color. I heard shuffling footsteps approach the door, it was too late to run back next door now. I took a deep breath as I heard the doorknob twist. The door slowly opened and I was met with George’s mother, “Hi, Mrs.Miller.” I nervously smiled.
“He’s upstairs in his room.” she smiled warmly as she took me in for a tight hug.
“How’s he doing?” I asked in a low voice as I shut the door behind me, shoving my hands into my jacket pockets.
“Better…sort of. He doesn’t leave the room unless no one’s home or if we’re asleep. I’ll hear the door sometimes in the middle of the night but that’s about it.” she informed as she lead me to the stairs with her hand on my back.
She told me she was going next door to talk with my mother and I just gave her a slight smile and a nod. Going up the stairs made me want to throw up, the thought of seeing Joji after so long made me nervous and extremely embarrassed. I hadn’t called him or texted him in a month. I was angry, hurt, and confused. Why wouldn’t he tell me how he felt? We told each other everything, no matter how bad it was, but for the same reason I didn’t tell him how I felt. I was hurt for him as well…how could I have not known? If anything, I thought he didn’t like me. I tried making moves on him before and I felt like he’d rejected me on several occasions, or maybe if we had just communicated things without fear, we’d probably be okay, but it’s easier said than done. I’ve always loved Joji…but I thought it would never happen, and so I moved on.or tried to… I broke up with Kevin the week after George came to visit me. I had love for Kevin but I wasn’t in love with him, we would have arguments nearly everyday and he just wasn’t George. I didn’t know what to do…I was contemplating on calling Joji and I didn’t, I was scared and I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to be alone and have time to myself so I could think. So I went to the only place where I knew I would be left alone and away from everyone for some time: my parent’s house. Little did I know, Joji was next door doing the exact same thing.
I reached the top step and made my way down the hall cautiously. I felt like the hallway stretched out for miles as I walked towards Joji’s door. My breathing quickened, my heart nearly falling out of my chest as I finally stood in front of his door. I held my breath as I knocked. There was no answer. I sighed and placed my hand on the doorknob and entered his room. He was sat on his bed looking out his window with a notebook next to him. The walls were decorated the same: posters of artists, pictures of us and his family members, a couple post-it notes still lingered on the walls told me that they haven’t lost their stick. His room hadn’t changed one bit.
“Hey.” I said, trying to catch his attention as I tenderly closed the door behind me.
He turned around quickly, his eyes looking into mine. That’s when I felt it all over again: the butterflies. His hair was wet and I could smell his shampoo from across the room. He wore a gray long-sleeved shirt and a pair of sweats with some fuzzy mismatched socks to complete his ‘homebody’ look.
“I see you’re still a mama’s boy.” I lightly chuckled as I sat down in his comfy desk chair, “I can’t really blame you, I went home to my mom too.”
“Yeah…I know you did.” he said quietly, as he began moving to the edge of the bed, slowly, so that he sat across from me, “I could hear you crying most nights from my window.”
“Yeah…” I sighed in embarrassment, “I was doing some digging the other day while I was cleaning my old room…and I found some stuff.”
I reached into my jacket pockets, not taking my eyes off of his face. I was happy to see him well rested, but the ashtray full of cigarette butts told me he was stressed out of his mind. He stared at the carpeted floor blankly as I searched my pockets.
“Do you remember this?” I asked coyly, retrieving a gold locket from my pocket,”You gave it to me on my eighteenth birthday once everyone left my party.”
“I drove hours for that thing.” he chuckled softly, “You told me you always wanted one but the good legit ones were impossible to find.”
“Do you remember what you put in it?” I asked.
“A picture of us from when we were ten.” he answered.
“I’m a complete dumbass.” I spoke in an unsteady voice as I pulled out a small note from the same pocket with shaking hands, “I couldn’t get the locket to open the other night…I like looking in it when I’m sad but I couldn’t get it open ‘cause it was stuck. It’s an antique so it’s normal for it to get stuck sometimes, and every time it gets stuck, I’d open it cautiously. Well, I tried opening it the other night, and I broke my nail, so I got angry at the damn thing and I threw it at the wall…the picture fell out…and so did this.” I held up the note and I read it, “‘I choose to love you in silence…For in silence I find no rejection, I choose to love you in loneliness…For in loneliness no one owns you but me, I choose to adore you from a distance…For distance will shield me from pain, I choose to kiss you in the wind…For the wind is gentler than my lips, I choose to hold you in my dreams…’“
“For in my dreams, you have no end.” he finished the poem.
“Rumi…” I said, shocked that he remembered my favorite poet from the one time I told him when we were sixteen.
“I didn’t want you to find it, but part of me wanted you to. So I hid it behind the one thing that meant the most to me, inside something that was special to you.” he explained, “It was the only way I felt safe and comfortable telling you how I felt…even if you never got a chance to read it. People say that some things are better left unsaid, and I believed them, but I went crazy when I thought about how I’d have to live with feeling this way forever and not having you know, I just didn’t think I’d lose you in the process…but I can’t lose what was never mine.”
I took a deep, hesitating breath before I spoke, “I fell in love with you when we were sixteen, and every time I ran to you crying about a boy breaking my heart or hurting my feelings was because they didn’t treat me like how you did…they didn’t make me laugh like you did, they didn’t take care of me like you did…they weren’t you, George. I thought about how there were times that I almost told you how I felt…but my fear stopped me. And I can’t begin to imagine how you felt, and I’m sorry for that. Being older now means looking back at all the times we shared when we were younger…and I know that there were times were I felt like you were going to kiss me but you didn’t…but I know now why you didn’t…”
Joji looked down at his hands before he looked back up at me.
“But I really wish you did.” I admitted, “I found love in places where it shouldn’t have thought to grow because I was upset with the thought of being in love with someone who I thought didn’t feel the same way…I know that feeling of being rejected or feeling like you’ll be rejected, George, that fear.” I wiped my tears with the sleeves of my jacket.
I got up from the chair and put it back under the desk before I decided to face him again. I was slightly alerted when I saw he was standing now in front of me. He pulled me in for a tight hug and I gladly hugged back. To feel his warmth, his presence, just to feel him hugging me again after not seeing him for a long time made everything feel right again. I buried my face in his chest, taking in his scent as he rested his chin on my head before he kissed my cheek and hid his face in my neck. We were stood there for what seemed to be hours embracing each other. I rubbed his back softly and I finally whispered, “I’m still in love with you…I never stopped.”
Joji pulled away from the hug and smiled at me, “I love you.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and stood on the tips of my toes so I would be able to reach his lips. I stared at his lips as I bit mine thinking about how I’d been waiting to kiss him for the longest time.
“Are you gonna kiss me or what?” he smirked nudging me gently.
“Shut up.” I laughed.
He dried my wet eyes lightly with the sleeves of his shirt, holding my face in his hands, he leaned in and kissed me softly. It felt right and more than anything I felt safe and home.
