A Little Splash of Honesty

So, quite a few of my IRL friends follow my main blog, which is great! But sometimes you just want a place to hold the thoughts you cant really say to their face. I'll be going by Elise.

[candlelitspiral]

I cannot paint the flowers because I never stopped to look. I never grew plants for beauty, I refused to nurture that which I saw no uses.

[candlelitspiral]

I dropped fearing hell, not because I've moved past the fear of burning, but because I refused to let the fear of a possible eternity tell me my worth. If I am going to burn eternal, then at the very least I will burn because I was the kind of person I wanted to be.

[candlelitspiral]

This is my diary. I don't have to make it palatable for everyone. It is strictly so that I can jump from thought to thought without care or of how it comes off to the people around me.

She assumes you've learned how to live away from your parents, but you aren't sure she's right. The weed just makes you jumpy enough for your parents judge. The rest of the world around you knows how to be a person after all.

They assume you can take care of yourself

They assume you know when to stop something and make your own way but they also assume you are independent enough to participate in the capitalist venture we all are forced to run

Tomorrow is a new day, cut your losses and sleep

Have you ever seen

One day, I'll pull myself out of a pit enough to create a pipeline from my brain issues and then you'll be sorry.

[candlelitspiral]

Only a decade later I understand the gifts given to me by my very first therapist.

She gave me a notebook the size of my palm. At the time, I never thought much about it. She was an art therapist, the kind with drawers full of markers and construction paper and coloring books. (Stop editing, you’re writing this for you).

I kept it. Out of all the moves and the necessary moving purges, I kept the little book the size of my palm. Tucked in the pages were all these other cards she’d made. Playing cards with pieces of magazines tucked inside. The Dove chocolate wrapper that says leave your phone behind. A piece of paper with a cute little picture about ‘nothing happening, and nothing happening, and then....... EVERYTHING HAPPENS.” There used to be more, but I’ve been keeping one tucked in my wallet since then and there have been some casualties. There are only 3 left. I’ve stopped putting them in because I want to keep the ones I have left.

But the notebook. That I kept out of habit. She kept telling me to journal and I think she thought it was small enough that I might actually use it. I had trouble putting my thoughts to actual paper. I still do, but these days it’s because physical writing actually hurts.

Something something, she wanted me to believe I was allowed to take up space. That I was allowed to exist in my own space. That I was allowed to have space in the first place. The situation at the time was not great on any front, and space, both physical and emotional, were a rare commodity. My reality quickly became about taking up as little effort in the lives of these people around me. I was allowed to stick around as long as I didn’t need anything, so, by jove, I was going to take up as little space as possible.

[candlelitspiral]

The darkness of others is so heavy, I know it is.

"Let me help." I say. "Let me take some."

It is a curse, you see.

I know how heavy darkness can be,

So I reach to take other's.

It is not a habit but a compulsion.

Even as I am buried under my own,

I can hear the voice that raised me.

"You're such a good helper girl."

[candlelitspiral]

I fell apart in high school.

Saying it like that makes it seem like it was early.

It wasn't. I had already held on for years.

By the time I finally crumbled,

There wasn't much left to break.

[candlelitspiral]

The most loved I ever felt was when a man trapped in the wrong body before he could be himself looked in my eyes and called me 'mi munda'.

We haven't talked in years and we were never more than friends, but I hope he's living a good life because sometimes, at my lowest, I think of that moment and believe I will feel that way again to stave off the darkness

[candlelitspiral]

But what if you're too much. What if the only reason these people wanted you around is that you were so low maintenence that they could forget about you? How much strain are you putting them through by changing pieces of you to be more vocal about things that bother you?

Maybe so. But you know she loves you just because you're you. And she doesn't have to love you, she does it because you're you. Stop treating her like she's the same as the people who take you for granted. She likes you for you.

[candlelitspiral]

The days in my life I feel like living

Are the days I'm high.

That probably says something

About the life I'm living.

[candlelitspiral]

My Love, My Love, Why do you set yourself aflame?

It is the only way I’ve learned. 

To love some one is to burn to keep them warm,

or else scream to keep their eyes upon me. 

[candlelitspiral]

I bleed I bleed I bleed

But somehow it isn't enough

I give until I'm gone

And still you ask for more

When will it be my turn

[candlelitspiral]

You told me your secrets

You whispered your needs

Yet when I give you

What you tell me you desire

You turn away from me

I had hoped i could love you well enough from afar to light hope in your heart

But alas I fear I only prolong the purgatory

[candlelitspiral]

Im so filled with self hatred that it tumbles from my mouth

I spin it like jokes

Like all I need is a little laughter to approve what I just said

But all the while I convince my self it's true

All the truer in the voice of those whom it amused

[candlelitspiral]

The biggest lies the internet tells

Is that it can take the place of phone a friend culture

Which can maybe explain why

The balance has shifted.

Humans were meant to be a balancing act

Of social instincts vs survival,

But with survival having such a tool

One that can be accessed by the majority of humans

The social instincts begin to atrophy

[candlelitspiral]

Have you ever learned to sit with yourself?

The silence is not your enemy,

It is supposed to be the solace from them.

You never learned how to be big

Without needing to fall.

[candlelitspiral]

I am so very tired.

It is not tired of body, though I am also that, 

But the kind of tired that comes from the soul.

The kind of tired from the deepest wells of yourself running dry,

the tired that bleaches every color from the world. 

I am not made for this world. 

I do not see villains with familiar faces,

I do not guard myself from those I know have the capacity for harm. 

And there lies my greatest flaw.

My eyes remain open to see what has hurt me,

Yet my heart refuses to close to anyone. 

[candlelitspiral]

👏stop👏putting 👏me👏in 👏the 👏middle👏of👏your👏drama👏

My response will always be "have you talked to them about this?"

Because I am tired and stretched thin and holding on by a thread already