complaining enthusiast @cannibalchic - Tumblr Blog

well havent posted here in two yrs but i dont know where else to go lol

idk if im having a delayed reaction to my internal ultrasound sound today or bc ive been researching vulvodynia for the past hour but im just feeling really blue and uncomfortable and like i wanna cry and idek which of my coping skills would be applicable here lol. but its just feeling increasingly possible that having a sex life is going to be extremely complicated and i feel like im already feeling the things i would if i was actively trying to be sexually active, like almost a mourning frustration idk. im just in a weird mood and i dont know how to fix it

#im incapable of feeling a straightforward emotion #like even tho i spent most of the day sleeping today was just such a strange sad vulnerable time #evil.txt

im so unbearably horny im two seconds away from making a porn blog

#how do u even make a porn blog on this hellsite in this day and age #evil.txt

i took a shower bc i was horny and couldn’t concentrate on my textbook but now sitting back down with it after my shower im horny again will this ever end

#am i ovulating ????#why god #evil.txt

mentall illness is crazy bc this morning i was sobbing screaming feeling like a demon was trying to crawl out of my skeleton with no cure emailing my therapist for last min availability and now im calmly drinking tea out of a halloween snoopy mug and procrastinating class work while ethel cain plays

#not that i feel ‘well’ now #but what the fuck happened this morning #i still feel remnants of it #it felt utterly utterly hopeless lol #just feels hopeless in a different way now #evil.txt

cannibalchic

whats stopping me from making a tinder and setting it to 30yo+ ladies and trying to get myself a milf honestly

cannibalchic

just feels like an older women would be more forgiving about my body and experience level likeee i need all the security i can get

#and older women are sooo sexy like ill be your pet i dont csre

whats stopping me from making a tinder and setting it to 30yo+ ladies and trying to get myself a milf honestly

#never had a dating app but im getting restless out here #just seems cruel to when i dont have a license lolol #but god above i need a bad bitch fr im soo horny!#evil.txt

i will learn to drive with ease

i will learn to drive quickly

i will have my license by the end of the year

i love to drive

#is this how u manifest #my life would be so much easier if i could drive #but i need more help than just myself . so looking to the universe #evil.txt

so much going on but my current grievances are that i am starting to be triggered by a plotline on a show that always seems to trigger me even though i really love the character its about (he dies. so theres that) but i go into a downward spiral in my mental and emotional health every time i watch it , and it felt like maybe it was going okay this time until it Wasnt ….. so now i have this creeping sense of dread and doom that i will be horrifically depressed soon , i should really just skip some of the episodes but 1) cant resist 2) i just love him and his story so much it just hits something super visceral and it is really hard for me to process . i dont know

the other grievance is that my not eating disorder is getting a little worse and im trying to repair it a bit but its like . not typical of any EDs i know of so any resources or “tools” just dont apply to me . just very disheartening and i feel very alone i dont know why its so niche or whatever but i need help and i dont know how to get it and im ashamed lol

just need a distraction for the night i have too much going on this is just a sample of it im just overwhelmed and unwell

#this picture is truly how i feel #so glad we have memes and images bc they express how i feel better than anything i could say #evil.txt

idk how to manifest but i need contact w a crush SOON

i will have a class w my crush

i will see my crush soon

i will dm/text my crush soon

#worth a shot tbh #im lonely!#evil.txt

manifesting is such a slippery slope as a person w ocd lol like i can think i willed smth to happen bc internally i was thinking negative or doubtful things and its my fault , but also i love to believe that i can bring things into my life by thinking/wishing/hoping/manifesting it will happen , but whenever it actually becomes true then it gives it credibility and then the negative thing becomes stronger and i police myself more . i just hate thinking everything happens by chance like i want more control than that but if i DO have more control than that then suddenly everything i worry abt could possibly happen and thats no way to live!!!!! ocd sucks!!!!

my sister always says “whatevers meant to be urs will not pass u by” or smth to that affect and it helps and i try to use that but i just have a bad brain

#exhausting!#i want to be able to feel like i can thoughts and energy out and be rewarded #but with that comes the bad thoughts and energy i ‘put out’#and i already police my thoughts so much so like i dont need to add to that!#evil.txt

it weirds me out when my doctors (therapists/psychs) like hear me talk and are like wow u seem better or seem less anxious or compulsive or ur speaking clearer/lighter or u seem more optimistic abt the future bc like . im not like maybe in the moment bc my mood fluctuates so much but its like how am i appearing this way when i dont feel better

#idk how to explain it #but ive been getting that a bit lately #and yeah im trying to make more plans and lists to make things easier #and im trying to do more workbook/hw in therapy #but i dont feel as good as my drs say i sound #idk idk!#evil.txt

i need my shit ate fr

#my delusions will work in place for now #evil.txt #also trying to post here more bc i literally created it to vent and say out of pocket things #i always forget i can do that lol #AND I NEED A VIBE .#cant believe ive gone this long #just anxious abt buying one 🙈

that feeling when u drank and u don’t necessarily regret it but u wish u were just sleepy and going ti sleep as normal but ur bloated and waiting out the spins

#only benefit is knowing i get to be sober and drowsy as hell tmrw and go tf to bed #whyyyy is it 1230am #ill figure it out #evil.txt

cant be normal for a second friend told me we’re going to a party on friday (at a place ive been twice before) and cant stop thinking and planning and ruminating and i cant turn it off i can tell myself its not a big deal and ive been thru this and its not my problem rn but that doesnt matter! it just keeps coming back to me

of course part of it is actual valid anxieties like my crush might be there and idk how im getting there/coming back bc my friend doesnt wanna be dd and i dont have a license and i sure as shit dont wanna uber by myself back home at like 1am so like!!! but all the other stuff is irrational

#ocd queen #evil.txt

inspired by my last post one of my biggest red flags is my reassurance seeking ocd its sooooooo bad like lock me up

#like sorry! i will wither away if i dont #my mom gets the worst of it #i feel bad #but shes pretty patient #sooo scared if i get into a relationship lol #THEY should be scared #evil.txt

wondering if it would be cathartic or suicidal to make a list of my red flags

#like #i do want to know so i can work on it #but also is that like self harm #evil.txt

today my friend of 7-8 years said i was the first person she heard say that they hate themselves

#and she was like ‘ppl can do that?’#i was like oh word #thanks for telling me #more lore i guess #suckkkkkkks that i dont have therapy this week lol #evil.txt

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