peach

i have blown new life into my old account Archaeology student 20

[canofpeaches00000]

why do i mourn a step brother i literally have never met?

[canofpeaches00000]

one last week and then the sun returns

[canofpeaches00000]

me giving up relationships feel like i am trying to drcwn myself. i am both the one with the head underwater and the one holding me down. it feels like im self sabotaging again, is this healthy? is this what i should be doing? will this get rid of the limerance? throwing over the ideas of my future used to be so fun, it gave so much freedom not having the rules i had put up for no reason anymore. this time, it is just scary. i dont want to have to give it up. im clawing at the one pushing my head down under the water. i dont know what happens if i give in. i struggle to hold my head under, guilt eating away at me, but also knowing that keeping up the search will only bring more pain and embarassement. what happens when i fully convince myself i want to be alone for the rest of my life? i want to be loved but i dont want to look for it. i dont want to beg to be loved anymore. ive done it since i was born, after so many years you grow tired. i wont let myself get my head up in the air again. drcwning myself is what i decided, locking away my heart is what i want to do for self preservation. while there is no use waiting, maybe someone is able to love me after all. maybe i can breathe with my head under water.

[canofpeaches00000]

all my life, all ive searched for is someone to love me. did it ever work? ofcourse not. and now im at a point where i am going to therapy to fill the gap where the parental love is supposed to be, just so i will never have to deal with emotional entanglements and i can just lock away my heart and finish the rest of my life not in full isolation but with no one close enough to me to notice the things that haunt me. people like me the most when i dont take off the mask, so if no one gets close enough to me for that, i wont scare anyone away with it.

its so weird giving up the one thing youve always wanted and always, subconciously even, searched for. i dont know what i am doing anymore. im dissasociated at least half of the time, just moving with the wind. my body does the things im supposed to do, my mind is in fully other fields, wasting away my life in little daydream worlds so i dont need to deal with reality. have i given it up because i genuinly do not want it anymore or am i just so scared to get hurt again by the reality of not being wanted? i try to convince myself of the first option.

[fully-embracing-my-autopsy]

"I'm sorry" (don't hurt me-)

"I'm sorry" (I love you -)

"I'm sorry" (don't leave me-)

"I'm sorry" (I'm scared-)

"I'm sorry" (I need you but I don't want to admit it-)

"I'm sorry" (please stay-)

"I'm sorry" (are you upset with me?)

"I'm sorry" (please hold me-)

"I'm sorry" (please don't yell-)

"I'm sorry" (I'm bothering you, I'll go-)

"I'm sorry" (you're not upset but you're quiet and I must have done something wrong-)

"I'm sorry" (I need help but I don't want to bother you-)

"I'm sorry" (I shouldn't have bothered you, but I need someone-)

(eta: why does this have 100+ notes WHO HURT YOU DO I NEED TO FIGHT THEM?)

[bunnighost]

[canofpeaches00000]

nowadays, when i tell people about my youth, they are shocked or sometimes even cry. i dont fully get why they cry. no one cried for me when it happened. why cry now after ive already had to pick myself up and get out of it on my own? why are people sad about what has happened to me now, but did no one even try to help when it happened? the adults in my life have failed me. there is no way you see a neglected kid with bruises and just brush it off.

[canofpeaches00000]

i never should have been interested in learning history because now i wish i lived in ignorant bliss

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random fun fact; while tyrants were relatively normal in ancient greece, Sparta never had one.

[canofpeaches00000]

does anyone else feel like theyre incapable of fully believing in a religion? i was in a christian elementary school as a kid, which in my country is 8 years. We were read bible stories and had to sing christian songs and pray but if you werent christian, that was completely fine too, i never got any problems with that and i actually look back on this as one of the things that didnt completely fuck me over in my youth (cus practically every other thing did). I was in an abusive household, there were no adults i could turn to and feel safe with, how did i not turn religious? even now i do not think of religion as a specifically bad thing (not saying people havent done horrible shit in the name of it, im talking abt believing in smt to begin with) and i have dabbled in and looked into a lot of different religions and spiritualities. I pretty much mastered the tarot cards. And yet i do not believe. I am incapable of it, it seems. Maybe it is because of what i study and because of what i do that i cant believe that there was 1 entity that made everything. I wish i could be religious, it seems nice, but i dont think i will ever be capable of actually believing

[canofpeaches00000]

The idea of some higher being unconditionally loving you seems so nice, especially with the past i have had! but i just cant believe it actually exist

[canofpeaches00000]

does anyone else feel like theyre incapable of fully believing in a religion? i was in a christian elementary school as a kid, which in my country is 8 years. We were read bible stories and had to sing christian songs and pray but if you werent christian, that was completely fine too, i never got any problems with that and i actually look back on this as one of the things that didnt completely fuck me over in my youth (cus practically every other thing did). I was in an abusive household, there were no adults i could turn to and feel safe with, how did i not turn religious? even now i do not think of religion as a specifically bad thing (not saying people havent done horrible shit in the name of it, im talking abt believing in smt to begin with) and i have dabbled in and looked into a lot of different religions and spiritualities. I pretty much mastered the tarot cards. And yet i do not believe. I am incapable of it, it seems. Maybe it is because of what i study and because of what i do that i cant believe that there was 1 entity that made everything. I wish i could be religious, it seems nice, but i dont think i will ever be capable of actually believing

[canofpeaches00000]

im happy my adult face is one that i like

[tramampoline]

[x]

[escuerzoresucitado]

[canofpeaches00000]

just one small tank with a betta fish wont hurt, i thought. ill have enough with one fish, i thought. (i am trying to withold myself from buying a new nano tank to put shrimp in while i already have a 60L tank with 17 fishes)

[canofpeaches00000]

i miss my dad

[s1l4s-n0ms-t0m4t03s]

"youve already said that" "stop responding with the same thing" "can you stop repeating yourself" sorry i just never felt heard as a kid and if i get a positive reaction once then i will keep repeating it because i feel like im in a game and if i say the wrong dialogue you'll leave me