Tried to unalive 3 times last year and here we are. Last major attempted was new year's eve and boy has a lot changed since then. Sold the house I have with my ex and I'm now seeing someone absolutely amazing, he lives miles away from me! I met him when I went to a festival in Malta and we never really spoke. He sent me an IG message after my last attempt to try and cheer me up; I had a very very public breakdown on my stories, multiple videos of me crying, ranting and lip syncing songs whilst crying. It was bad. After him reaching out, we got talking and straight away had a very strong connection. This was meant to happen.
I was under the crisis team for a long time and had to have a staged and gradual return to work. I've taken overdoses since then, but not to die, to feel something. Often because I'm bored. I had a manic episode at the beginning of the year and was a little promiscuous, but considering I spent 10 years with someone, my brain went feral. Back to the guy I'm seeing. He's great and I love everything about him - he's also so fucking tall. I can wear heels again 😂. Joke, I don't wear heels ever. He's honestly my perfect match! There are too many great things about him. He's vegan, tattooed, really fucking loves all animals like me. Weird and nerdy like me. He understands my mental state so deeply. He's a fair bit older than me and we both want the same things out of life. When bmth launched their new album, we both stayed up and listened to it together - from afar. Dead on midnight when it came out. Discussing it as it played. I loved it, it was a perfect moment shared.
My meds are really helping. If you are interested: 20mg aripiprazole, 400mg lamotrigine, 150mg pregabalin, 5mg of procyclidine for my aripiprazole tremor. I sacked off my antidepressant early this year as it was fucking up my sex life and I'm not standing for that. I did it without my psychiatrist's permission, but he's since agreed with me. I feel free without it - but now I'm currently in a depressive episode.
I'm due to have a screening (finally) for long term therapy next week and boy is it needed. I could have really done with it for the volatile state I was in for months, but what do I know. The waiting lists are long, so I'm glad it's finally happening. Arranging it around work will be difficult, I'll probably take a pay cut because I'll need to change my hours most likely. Having to tell work I have bipolar was so difficult. I had to tell her and my line manager together at the same time and it made me feel sick in all honesty. They've been so understanding though. I can have adjustments if I need them, but I haven't thus far. I've not really had a breakdown, but I expect to on Monday and that is when the house completes, it will all finally over and that's going to fuck with my head for a bit. They did give me short-term therapy through work though, so I at least had something at the beginning of the year. I don't know if it helped, I already knew the techniques from doing my degree (in progress). She was nice though, very kind.
I'm living with my parents currently, all of my boxes are in one room. My new house won't be ready until Halloween, but buying a house on my own is big fuckin deal, I just worry I'm going to drink a lot and fuck about with my meds as it's coming for me. I feel lost if I'm honest.
My old best friend stabbed me in the back in a huge way, she was a reason for the breakup. She sent me abusive messages so I blocked her on everything and tore up the photos of us from our nights out. She tried to apologise but there is no coming back from what she said to me.
I'm pretty lonely now. Most of my friends only speak with my ex now. They said they wouldn't pick sides, but they totally have. None of them reached out to me even though they knew I tried to off myself. Before you ask, no I didn't cheat on my ex. I'm convinced he cheated on me as in under two months of the breakup he had a girlfriend - someone he'd known "for ages and it happened naturally". Fuck off, you must have been talking for a while, I'm not stupid. Don't believe a word he says. I'm sad though because he's taken the cats so I won't ever see my babies again. Ever. I'll probably never see my ex again, a lot of other people too. He djs and when people asked where I was at the rock and metal club night he helps run, he told everyone "lies were told" which to me would indicate the person had cheated. A lot of people did ask and he kept saying that - he told a few people the full story from his side, so god knows what people think of me now. I still have his friends on social media, so I still see a lot of what is going on. His new person came up on my phone as a suggested Facebook friend and I cracked up. Her photo was them together. I've read that people come up as suggested friends once they've been stalking your profile, I don't know how much truth there is in that. But she's come up a few times now. I can't wait to drip feed my new and much improved better fit man into my feeds. Soft launch and then boom, I'll hard launch him. It'll be a lot of fun, I'm really happy with him. It's not a competition and I'm not comparing them btw. I just fit so much better with who I'm with now. I didn't realise the issues that were there and how much we weren't right until the separation and me meeting my new man. It's a massive change though, huge and I'm still adjusting to it and unlearning the things I did in the past 10 years as a lot of it was destroying me. I've been finding myself again. It's a journey and I'm getting there due to the relationship distance, I have to be my own person, I can't see him every day or week so I have to use my own time and become my own person, which I wasn't.
As I say I'm very depressed though. I keep drinking a lot, virtually every weekend, getting obliterated. I know I drink too much and too often, but I have so much fun. Something awkward was I got very very drunk and came out to my parents having no recollection of telling them - I was that drunk, I blacked out. I only remembered when my dad mentioned it in the car the following day and I just cringed and wanted to run away. I regret it massively, the flashbacks haunt me.
So there is an update for you. If anyone wants to chat or my IG, let me know. I'm pretty lonely and in need of some friends.
MH IG: sophiecharlottementalhealth
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