“Heartbreak is probably one of the most annoying words in the world because I hear about it my whole life in movies or people telling me about their heartbreak, “my heart’s broken! She broke my heart! My heart hurts!” and you’re like, “really? Your heart hurts? This thing, the little red cartoon? It pumps blood, you dummy. Read a biology textbook, stupid.” But then, it happened recently. Oh my god. I’m.. I’m you know, I’m lying in bed all day for a week only getting up for ice cream and water, as you do, and I have news, it’s real! My heart hurts! (point to his heart) it hurts right here, this part of my body is in pain. They didn’t just choose this internal organ for the valentine’s day cards at random. Like, the heart is actually where it happens and you’re just sad. You got sadness in your body and you just walk around with it. Like, even when you’re laughing, you’re still sad. You could be - I could be crying laughing. I could - I could win a competition, I could win a contest to get a 45 minute dance session with John Travolta. It’s my dream, I’m having the time of my life, we’re looking each other in the eyes, we’re exchanging shimmies, and my body would still mostly feel like it was sinking into the ground and I was about to become a puddle of misery. And it’s crazy because apparently everyone has gone through it too, which is the weirdest part, because like, congratulations to the whole world on not killing yourselves, seriously. And I’m not kidding, like, that shit is hard. When you’re just in bed, like, making sad noises and you’re just like, “I guess this is as sad as a person gets, I guess I got to the bottom, that’s an accomplishment,” and people are like, “you’re gonna move on and get over this, you’ll get past this,” and you’re like, “when? In a week? A month? Because honestly like, five more minutes with this feeling does not feel worth 70 years without it. Like, what am I gonna do with my life anyway? Get a job? Eat more food? This is stupid, it’s pointless.”
…
So yeah, shake a stranger’s hand today and congratulate them on their failed suicide because, I mean we all know relationships are the craziest thing in the entire world. We all know relationships are the weirdest thing in the universe besides placentas. Like, you meet someone and you’re like, “oh my god, you’re the greatest person in the entire world and you’re touching me! This is crazy, I can’t believe I even live in the same city as the most amazing and beautiful person ever! And you’re hugging me! You’re in my bed!” And you’re writing them the longest goddamn text messages you’ve ever written about how lucky you are to have met them and you’re writing them notes, you’re writing them letters. What the fuck? You haven’t written a letter in seven years and you’re telling them all this shit and you’re touching and you’re making out all the time. … You’re so excited about each others bodies and you’re such big fans of each other’s genitalia. And people are like, “you look so happy with her, you look so happy with him!” and you’re like, “I AM! Oh my god, you’re right! This is bliss!” and then a year goes by. Something happens and it hurts to look at a picture of them. Like, it makes you sad for the day to see a photograph of them and it’s like, how did we get here from all that? You used to be the wallpaper on my phone and now I can’t even be friends with you on - I can’t even be friends with your friends on Facebook because sometimes they post pictures with you in the background and I don’t feel like crying. Like, my phone used to mostly just be a device I used to connect with you when I, for some sad reason, wasn’t able to physically be there. Now, I would pay good money for an app that made sure your name or face never appeared on this thing ever again. Like, I’d pay four thousand dollars for that application and I only have like thirty dollars. I’d take out a goddamn loan. And it’s not because I hate you, it’s because I don’t wanna be sad.”
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