I’m taking an adolescent development class this quarter and it’s been pretty neat. Today we talked about divorce and its impact on adolescents, and my heart started beating so fast... Because I just couldn’t agree entirely with what my professor was saying.
She began the topic with graphs & statistics & blah blah blah... and then she said that children from divorced homes are more likely to experience problems.
“This is true...” I thought. But then she said,
“Hold that thought for a second because I want to come back in a little bit and offer an argument against that.”
My brain was like “Hello,” and I patiently waited for her to offer her case.
Finally, after stating more studies & statistics, my professor came back to the topic by showing us a graph that had 3 lines on it: the first line had a steep positive slope that represented children who had experienced divorce as early as age 7; the second line had a not-so-steep yet still relatively positive slope that represented children who had experienced divorce at age 22 and on; and the third line had a nearly flat slope that represented children who had never experienced divorce. Basically, the steeper the slope, the more problems the children experienced as they grew up with divorced parents. My professor made the argument that even though everyone says that children of divorced parents are most likely to experience problems while growing up, the children on the second slope (i.e. children who had experienced divorce at age 22 and on) also exhibited problematic behaviors at early ages (e.g. age 7, 8, etc.)--even when their parents had not yet gotten a divorce--for the mere fact that their parents were fighting and openly expressed hatred toward one another. Using this observation, she argued that divorce is not a bad thing since even children of non-divorced parents displayed problematic behaviors.
I understand where she’s coming from, but my heart started beating so fast because I feel like the problem lies not in whether or not the children display problematic behaviors, but rather in the relationship between the parents. The truth is that children need parents who love & desire them. They need to know that they’re safe under the care of their parents--plural form, parentS--meaning that divorced or not, when the child feels like one parent or both parents despises the other, they lose the security of being cared for under a safe & healthy relationship between Mom & Dad. Who cares if children under the care of married parents exhibit the same problematic behaviors as children under the care of divorced parents? I mean that to say, why should that justify divorce? America has the highest divorce rate in the world, and the sad/scary part is that America doesn’t care.
I remember PD saying one time that the relationship between husband & wife must precede every other relationship in life (except for your relationship with God, of course)--even the relationship between parent & child. This blew my mind because I always grew up thinking that once you have a child, you should care more for your child than for your spouse. But PD said that if you love your spouse well, then all else will be healthy & full of love as well--even your children. Of course, this is a general statement; there are other issues & wounds that determine how healthy a child is while growing up. But still, it blew my mind that the relationship between husband & wife comes first. These are the moments when I get passionate about marriage & family therapy because... We need healthy families again. We need children who grow up in healthy families, under parents who love each other & who love God. There are no perfect families and all of us experience measures of hurt and strongholds in our lives... But what if we saw a nation where children are nurtured & loved under commitment? Where one or both parents don’t just walk out because divorce is an option? What if we strived to love one another in commitment by God’s grace and allowed Him to lead us in our relationships, even through the trials that seem impossible to overcome?
Toward the end of the lecture, my professor asked, “Should parents choose not to divorce for the sake of their children?”
The class responded, “No,” and I was like, “WHAT?!?!?!?!????????”
LORD, we ask for revival in our hearts, in our families... Show us how to love like You do. NOTHING is impossible for You, for You are able to restore even the most broken relationships & You are able to bring us through the most difficult of trials. As long as our hope is in You, we will not be disappointed.
