feeling lonely, dissatisfied and misunderstood
In my life, I've always been a negative person that you don't need around. Somehow, people find me interesting and amazing when I'm at my best, which is rarely. My childhood seems to have decided how I am nowadays and there are still no treatments to forget about the past.
I've been through a lot, like you, but if I would tell you about that, maybe you would say "no way, that's too much! no wonder you feel that way", or you would say "you shouldn't dwell about the past and start living the present without resentments" or you would say something you have been through very similar or even worse and still be dealing with it better than me.
I'm that type of person that lacks of love and is jealous about who has the love I search for. Some of that love I will never have, because of my family. No matter what I do, my family never changes. My father is still dead, my brother still ignores me, my mother still gives me stress and anxiety, one aunt seems interested in me because my father passed away, my cousins and other aunts and uncles - it's like they are nothing - my grandparents are dead, my half-brother is in his world. Part of this is because of my mother - she doesn't like certain people, so I must be the same in order to live in peace and don't feel stressed talking about it, so I don't talk to them or about them anymore. My mother is capable of talking, for example, about my cousin in a looping and when I don't speak to her anymore, she tells me a certain day "if you want, you can speak to her and wish her Merry Christmas", like giving permission, after ruining things. I wanted to go to Austria in our very badly planned holidays, and she insisted on staying in Germany because "I'm old, I don't have money because I'm always helping you out" and 1 week before it's like she is provoking me, when saying "How about a flight to Salzburg?" - what? That should have been said months ago, when the flights would be affordable, a trip there could be planned, and her flight to Germany wouldn't be booked already, and after mentioning the lack of money.
I am in this country - again - because of an ex boyfriend. Somehow, I feel good that it didn't work out, because it was not healthy anymore. But, of course, I victimise myself all the time because it was him that gave up and me that moved all my stuff here. Now it's been almost one year I'm here and a lot has happened.
I met a guy 1 or 2 months after, after speaking for around 1 month, since I was not around, and all made sense - he had everything. He wanted to kiss me in the first date and I felt weird about it, because I usually need more dates for that and also because he asked to kiss me instead of kissing me. I ended up goig back just to kiss him, because, why not? It happened inside my car, since it was raining and it didn't make sense to go to his house on a first date. Since then, I've realised our first date took place next to his house and I was the one driving around 40 min to get there, paying 20 EUR of parking, and he didn't even offered the dinner - it was 50/50. I also had something in my Bumble profile saying "first date - something romantic with a flower", which for my ex was perfectly clear, and for this one and the following guys, wasn't. With this one, we were not complete strangers, so I was expecting more from him. One day I wake up crying (this usually happens when I'm not happy about something I didn’t even take time to undestand about) so I just let it all out of my head - all that was frustrating me and annoying me - and I let him know how I felt, by telling him about the dinners that he never offered and explained him that I am a classic woman that expects the guy to offer at least the first dinner. He felt attacked and said that he didn't feel good about paying it to someone he was not sure would stay in Germany... I lost my temper, because, how can a guy kiss me and then say something like that?? Knowing that I want to have a serious relationship? I'm not gonna leave for sure if I fall in love. And he says "I don't want you to stay because of me". But I never said I would leave. I just mentioned I was not sure about my life in Germany yet, since the only reason I stayed was for my job, from a newly formed company you cannot rely on. And after that, I also mentioned the flower thing - and he said "I was planning to take you to this flower garden..." - but a garden is not the same as offering (a) flower(s). He just gave up and I got upset about losing my time and energy with a guy that goes away because of my honest feelings, which only meant to make me feel heard and to be able to see some changes and having some understanding - turned out to be a revelation - this man doesn't deserve me.
After that, I met another one, and he wanted to meet after talking for less than 1 week. I felt that something was off about it, but I thought "well, the last one took a long time to understand it was not worth it, maybe with this one, I can get that feeling earlier", so I followed his lead. We went to a very nice and romantic spot, he brought wine, he was handsome. We went to have dinner and I found out his father also passed away, but very recently (the year before) and I saw the empty sad look in his eyes, but somehow, from someone who is suffering a lot from a spoiled childhood full of love that I never had. After that, it would be meeting once a week and that was driving me crazy. His explanation was that he needed to help his mother with paperwork from his father, since his brother already had a family and was busy with that. So basically, he was available, so why making me feel this way if he is not there for me completely? In the last date - it would always be with alcohol, we went to the beach and he made me a lot of questions about my family, like he did before, while drinking. He commented that I was very pessimistic or negative about it and I said "why should I lie about it? it is like that and if it annoys you, then that is your problem, because I cannot change my family and I'm only telling you about it because I'm honest and because you keep on asking". At some point, I receive a notification from bumble and we talk about meeting people - he says he was meeting another girl and that he was more into me, but that he was not sure - which made me feel like "oh, that's why you can meet me only once a week. You are not only busy with your mother, and indeed busy meeting another one". I got a bit upset, because I would never meet another guy under these circumstances. And because I even missed a Ballet class to be with him - this guy is even worse! He needed to leave earlier to help the mother and have dinner with her... I was upset, but drove him to his house. In the car, he kisses me (again happens in the least romantic way, inside my car) and leaves, after a hard talk about our feelings. When I am alone, I call a friend, and he tells me "You are clearly not happy. He is clearly not treating you how you deserve. He CANNOT have drinks on the beach with you, knowing that you came very well dressed for him, drove a long distance to meet him, and then leave you like this to be with the mother". I just felt very understood and I called the guy. He was upset that I was still in his neighbourhood (but why? I didn't feel like driving at all) and he said I was the first he kissed after his ex (what?? Making me feel special or what?) and that I was stressing him... I left, and next morning he "wants to speak". I already knew he was gonna give up, so I was already angry. He says "we can still be friends", "you should maybe focus on making friends in this new country before finding someone". Who is this guy to tell me what to do? Fuck him. He wasn't capable of bringing a flower as well, because he felt it was childish and an embarrassment to take one but a bottle of wine it was okay - that for me shows that he is partially an alcoholic.
I’m not sure when this happened but was somewhere between this - I was it’s a guy from my company on a night stop in Hannover. It was his first flight - a Belgium guy - younger than me, and we had some chemistry in the flight, so in the taxi going to Hannover I felt some tension and once in the room, I received some messages talking about a picture from the city behind the bed of this hotel chain, so he asks also about watching Netflix and that he needs a charger or my iPad, something like that. I invite him to go to my room and he wants to cuddle while watching “A Star is Born” which I found very corny. We had quick sex because he couldn’t hold it for more than 3 min, despite of having a massive thing, and next morning we were rushing to take breakfast. I told him that I usually don’t do this and want to have focus on having a serious relationship. He said that he couldn’t do that because he was probably be moving to the US again, but I never meant to have it with him, just generally speaking. I said “it’s alright” and he said “no it isn’t”. I think he felt the need to be around me so he kept on texting me the following days but he was never available to meet and get to know me. Eventually we stopped speaking and he only made sure I wouldn’t tell anyone about us. It’s funny that I actually never did but some people knew about it… and even more funny is the fact that he is dating another girl from my company even knowing that he is now in the US.
After this, I met another guy in another app. He is travelling so we speak for 1 month and when we finally meet, I didn't feel it, and it made me be frustrated with myself, because he seemed a very nice guy, but I cannot just change my connection pattern. I never kissed him or let him and we ended up not meeting more than 3 times, I guess, and we would speak less and less. Nowadays, we speak as friends, but I know it's not healthy for him to be around me, so I made it very clear we could be friends - since we never had anything romantic rather than talking and having good times - and he agreed. But since I'm with a guy now, that I will talk about later, I prefer not to meet him, since I wouldn't want the guy I'm with to do something similar. Actually, the guy I'm with, wouldn't even care, since worse things already happened and he doesn't care or feel jealousy.
After, I meet a guy that calls me immediately and I felt it was very weird, but he is half german, half my nationality, so I feel a connection and I meet him in person, but he is a big NO, so I don't speak again with him.
After (or before? I'm already lost here), I meet another one, a French guy, that makes me walk for a long time, offers dinner and when it's very late I have to say I need a toilet and to go home. He tries to kiss me and I ignore, since it's the first date and we are in my car (again). After, I tell him that I don't feel it... He gets upset. But at least this time I got the balls to tell immediately I didn't feel it, and, at least, I was not kissing him and then giving up, like most men do with me.
After this one, I meet a guy in my company (Colombian), and we end up meeting because of a friend I had in my company that new him. I felt a connection, but he was not showing a lot of interest and would invite other people to our "dates". One day, he comes to my house, to "watch a movie" and we end up having sex. He didn't want to stay because of stupid reasons, and next morning he is quite cold, treating me like a friend. He doesn't seem very approachable and it's like I have to wait for him all the time. He would show interest but then only remember me in the evening. The following date was at a park and he invites another guy from our company. Didn't even bring a beer for me and I brought drinks for all of them. When I'm leaving, its dark, and he goes with the guy to their hotel, instead of walking me to my car. I get upset and I start telling him how wrong he is being with me. I go to meet him in the hotel, and we talk about things. He says I'm not even a "friend", because that's a very strong word. I'm a "colleague". So I'm nothing similar to "more than friend" and he only had sex with me because "it happened" and he wants to keep being with me without knowing if we will be together as friends or as something more. So I felt lost and used, and I started talking less and less with him. One day he invites me to go to the hotel - because he still has the key, but he already has a house that he is not capable to invite me to - and this was quite late in the evening, like an invitation for sex. I say "what do you want??" and he says "to have fun". Me: "I'm not having fun". He says "I just want to fuck you! take it or leave it". I block him... I had to unblock because of work and next time we worked together, he just smiled at me, like nothing happened. The funny part is that he even deleted the messages, afraid I would use them against him, probably, and he didn't even apologized - only after I referred it. Because guys are always like this - If we, women, don't refer things or talk abou them, or clarify/specify, we keep being treated the same way - I would have slept several times with him and now be depressed. He still "tries" but he says he isn't trying anything. I remember he kissing me at our workplace, saying at the end of the day "let's keep speaking" and then nothing. It's clearly a guy that "just wants to have fun". I should have known, since he was 5 years younger than me.
After, I meet a guy from Bumble, that is a bit nerd and it makes me feel safe somehow, but I don't feel a connection, just safety. From this one I feel he cannot harm me, but I'm like "the only one he might get" kind of feeling. Probably, he would make me happy, but there was a date I hated - like the French guy, he kept me a long time in the same place until very late and they closed with us inside, so we had to climb the high fence with spiders. He could have been more gentle and call someone. I end up giving it another try, but he is just not giving much of him, so we both gave up, I guess.
After that, it was a very disturbing guy, almost like a psychopath. It's like the second - he wants to meet immediately, but he is taking the weekend away, travelling alone, which I thought it was weird. It was on Bumble. His conversation starts by annoying me - almost like he is provoking me to get my attention - but I give him a second chance. When we meet, it is after my heavy workload, and he is waiting for me after his trip, with a chocolate from where he was. I was amazed, of course, and I drive him home (which was very far way from my house) and he offers me tea at his place (which I didn't want to meet yet) and when I'm about to leave, he wants to kiss. I say "I would prefer to do that after a dinner or some real date". Next date is a restaurant he picks, but we end up going to something not so far away from me. Before, he comes with me to a dance store, because I had this opportunity to go there, since I live so far away and it was next to the restaurant. He offers me a hand cream and wants to kiss me before dinner... in the car. I end up being dumb and kissing him, just because he is making a huge effort. I actually like him, otherwise I wouldn't lose my time. Next dates are more in my house or his and he makes pressure to sleep with me and compares me to his ex - that would sleep with him without being in a relationship yet - but I wanted to be in a relationship first. One day, after I mention this, and the flower thing, he comes to my house with pretty flowers and asks me (in the kitchen!...) to be his girlfriend. I say "Are you sure? isn't it too early? It hasn't been 1 month yet" (despite that he is leaving the city forever to go to another city 7 hours away). He says "yes, I am sure". After we sleep together another time, that went very bad because I just had my period and I felt pressured, he would be away because he was going to the new city. I had sex with him again and all of a sudden, he was not sure anymore, his uncle just had a very bad accident... He said he asked me because he felt that he needed to make sure I was his when he was not around and deep down because he wanted sex. During this time, I would talk about me and he would be very unpleasant, in my point of view. For example, he would say "I made it to 3 years with my ex" like it was an achievement - a very stupid one, I think, and meaningless, because what counts it's the intensity and not the time of a relationship, or if they would still be together - and he would then say "we would have a distance relationship (so we should have the same) and see each other 3 times a year" - is this a relationship of 3 years for him?? wtf. And I don't want a distance relationship, that's why I put a ratio distance on Bumble. "Oh I was not expecting to meet you before leaving" - then you would deactivate Bumble! He would say "I'm not you therapist" when I would feel like speaking abou my life. He would say "if you feel lonely, speak to your neighbours" and got upset when I said that was dumb, like I didn't want to be helped. I just wanted to be heard and have his company. He would compare my accidents to his uncle's accident, getting upset that my accidents are meaningless compared to his uncle's, which is something you don't compare!! In the end, he says "I think I'm not good for a relationship right now".... Thank god, because I was stressing since I slept with him - like a part of me was used and not being returned properly. He used me, he treated me very badly, and this guy shouldn't date until he realizes that asking a woman to be his girlfriend is something serious, and he even said "I LOVE YOU" one time on the phone. He did treat me well sometimes, and offered me many things, and he cared for me when I was sick, but it was not with good intentions. And despite all of this, he left my house several times leaving a note behind, after stating that he would be there when I wake up. If he thinks he can do and behave whatever the way he wants, then it’s better to just stop speaking to this guy and that’s what I did.
The next one want probably the worst - another guy from my company
