Carpool quotes

Quotes from my carpool buddy.

[carpoolquotes]

Red is CB. There were more people calling him out on his misogyny later on.

[carpoolquotes]

On female car purchases

Me: My lease is up on my car soon. Going to need to find a new car.

CB: Oh, what are you going to get? Oh wait, I guess it doesn't really matter, you're a girl and girls don't care about cars anyway.

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On becoming spinsters.

CB: Man, weddings are so expensive. My wife has so much family here and we have to invite all of them. Going to be so pricey.

Me: Yeah, I have a lot of relatives too. It would be super expensive if I ever did decide to get married. But I most likely won't anyway.

CB: So you are serious about not getting married? But why? Don't all girls want to get married so they don't end up alone?

Me: How would I end up alone if I don't get married?

CB: Don't you feel like there's no commitment from the man if you don't get married though? And as a girl, you wouldn't be able to find anyone past 60. Men can find women past 60 though. Women's features fade though and they wouldn't be able to find anyone. You'd be so lonely.

Me: ...You do realize you can stay with someone forever and not get married to them right? Also, it is TOTALLY possible to find someone after you're 60 as a woman.

CB: I guess so.

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On topless maids.

Hey everyone, happy new year! Sorry for the lack of updates recently. CB was too busy with work to complain about anything other than work and then vacation time came up. Hopefully I'll get some more material from him soon.

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We drive by a topless maid advertisement every day on the way home.

CB: That ad is still here! My place is so dirty right now. I wish I could hire topless maids to come clean it for me.

Me: (jokingly) Would your wife be okay with that?

CB: It's so expensive! 99 dollars per hour. I wouldn't pay that much. Do you think you could set up cameras and film them while they clean?

Me: Uhh I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be allowed.

CB: Because if you could, you could film them, and then make money off it! You can sell it online, maybe for over 99 bucks and make some money!

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On marijuana legalization.

We are having a discussion about the legalization of marijuana, and I am telling him about some companies that want to start a marijuana franchise.

CB: What? That's so crazy. So, do they legalize pot where black people are?

Me: What. What do you mean?

CB: Well, black people are aggressive, and pot calms people down. So legalizing where there are lots of black people would calm them down.

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On home renovation.

He recently bought a new home.

CB: What should I do to decorate my new house?

Me: I don't know.

CB: I was thinking about making a grass wall. I would mount the TV in front of it. So the grass would surround the TV. Wouldn't that be cool?

Me: Err....sure?

CB: I think that would be pretty cool. I'm also thinking of using stickers to make a 2D tree. And where branches come out, I will put a platform for my cat to sit on.

Me: What if your cat doesn't want to use it?

CB: I don't know. I can use it for storing things.

Me: Man, home renovations must be expensive.

CB: Yeah. And my girlfriend wants to buy all new appliances! She wants to change toilets, washer, dryer, sinks, everything! So expensive! Why do we have to do that? So useless. Decorating is so much better.

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On personal time

CB: I should take a sick day and go watch some movies. Then I can get paid while watching movies.

Me: Why not just go on saturday or sunday?

CB: No way man! That's my personal time!

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On global politics.

CB: If we could just get rid of Russia, China, and North Korea, the world would be a better place.

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On cat cougars.

CB: I heard that older women feel that life is boring and not worth living if they are still single, so they date younger men to feel alive again. I want to get a younger male cat for my cat to play with so she can feel young and rejuvenated.

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On a new car invention.

CB: You know what would be great? If you could build a suction cup for a car. You can use it to attach to other cars. You would get really close to the car in front, and then *suction noise* you can use their car to tow your car. It could use magnets.

Me: What if they go somewhere you don't want to go?

CB: Obviously the idea needs to be fine tuned. And you would be able to detach it.

One day later

CB: I still think the suction cup thing could work.

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On the Rosetta's Comet landing

CB: So did you hear about the comet landing?

Me: Yeah, they even had a live broadcast of the landing.

CB: Oh, really? It's so cool that they can do this. It must have been so hard!

Me: Yeah, it was 10 years in the making. Crazy that it was feasible.

We have a small discussion about how awesome the operation is. He also "explains" to me how difficult it must have been to land it using some bouncing ball analogy.

CB: Man, it must have been so hard to get funding. There are so many risks to doing stuff like this.

Me: Yeah. But a lot of these things are funded by government agencies. And people who want to expand our knowledge of the universe.

CB: You know what would be so cool? If they find diamonds on the comet! If they find diamonds and bring them back, earth diamonds will be so cheap! Not worth anything anymore! Because we would have space diamonds!

Me: ...Even if they did, they can't bring the samples back or anything.

CB: I guess so. Man, if they can calculate the trajectory and stuff, they should have simply attached jets to the comet so they can make it orbit the earth!

Me: What. That's impossible. Not with the technology we have today. Maybe wait another 100 years or so.

CB: No way! It would have been super easy. I mean, if they could figure all the other stuff out, why not do this? We can push the comet into earth's orbit and then we could send people to the comet itself and they can extract whatever they find on the comet!

Me: ....You do realize it's a lot harder than you make it sound, right?

CB: Maybe. I don't know, I think it would be easy.

CB: Isn't the comet the size of like...that truck over there? *points to a semi*

Me: No. Much bigger.

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On raising cats.

I have recently acquired a new kitten.

CB: So have you given your cat milk?

Me: Of course not. That's dangerous for the cat.

CB: I tried to give my cat milk before. She wouldn't drink from it. I thought it would be like the cartoons and shows where cats like milk. She DID drink creamer though. You know, like those little cartons you get for coffee.

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On adopting from Africa.

CB: You know what's amazing? If you adopt a child from Africa and then raise them in America, and get them into the education system here, they're just as well educated as the kids here. Even with stuff like calculus. I guess it proves that the human race really is the same.

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On bullying and race intelligence.

CB: Hey, do black people pick on Asians in school here?

Me: Um. What? No!

CB: I'm afraid to raise my kids in LA. There's so many black people here. I'm afraid they'd get picked on.

Me: Why would you even think that?

CB: Well, I thought they pick on Asian kids because they're smarter than them.

Me: Black kids are not dumber than Asian kids.

CB: But they score lower on tests and stuff!

Me: That's due a lot of reasons. That's not based solely on intelligence. Like, low income families and shit. And that can happen to people of any race.

CB: Well, when I went to university, I walked by a group of black guys and they were taunting me. Saying hey, Chinese boy and stuff. I was kinda scared. I thought they were picking on me because I was in college and they weren't.

Me: ....I'm pretty sure that's not the reason.

CB: I don't know. I'm just worried about my kids' future.

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On company spending.

He is preparing for a company trip. The company gives them 80 dollars per diem food allowance. CB: Man, I have no idea how I am going to spend 80 dollars on food a day. That's a lot of money! Me: (jokingly) Well, if you REALLY want to do it, you can buy a ton of booze or something. CB: Maybe I can buy some Visa gift cards. Spend 30 on food then get 50 dollar gift cards. Me: Dude. There is no way you would get away with that. They check receipts. CB: No they don't! I have a company card, they just check how much money is used. They'll see that it's Ralph's and think it's groceries. Me: I am pretty sure your company would check man. CB: Really? Maybe. How am I supposed to spend 80 dollars then?

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On women and shopping.

CB: So do you go shopping on the weekends?

Me: No. I'm not a huge fan of shopping.

CB: What?! How is that even possible? Girls love shopping!

Me: Uhhh. No. Not all girls love shopping.

CB: That makes no sense. All girls must love shopping, it's part of their nature. Men used to be hunters, women were gatherers. It's part of evolutionary biology!

He proceeds to explain the "evolutionary biology" behind women's love of shopping to me for 5 minutes.

Me: Does your girlfriend love shopping?

CB: Well, no. But she likes to look and stuff. She loves shoes though. All women like to have lots of pairs of shoes.

Me: I only have like 8 pairs.

CB: What? That's not normal! All women must have at least 20 pairs of shoes!

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On Minecraft.

CB: I don't get why people play Minecraft.

Me: It's really good for kids though. It's like the Legos of their generation. They can be super innovative and creative and learn things from it. It's also collaborative, which is great.

CB: But it's so boring. Like there is no objective. Nothing to do. You just run around that's it.

Me: But you can build things. That's really cool.

CB: The graphics are so ugly though. Like, we have such high quality graphics now, why do they use something so ugly?

Me: It's an artistic choice.

CB: Kids have so many options on their iPads nowadays, I am surprised Minecraft still sells. It's so stupid. You know what? I should create a Minecraft. But with very high quality graphics. Everyone would play my game instead.