Do you ever sit back and look at yourself and get that feeling in your stomach..that feeling where you don’t like yourself? Where looking at a photo of yourself makes you remember everything you don’t like about yourself? I felt that today. I feel it everyday, but more so today.
I saw a picture of myself from last year and all of a sudden I got this weird feeling in my stomach and my first instinct was to close the picture and all these thoughts went through my head. They weren’t even specific thoughts, but they had a tone. They were like a blur. Every now and then a thought would stand out for a microsecond, but then it would fade back into the others just as quick and the same tone remained.
You know that feeling when you are are in a crowded space and its all just noise but everyone and then you hear something in particular but then you just go back to hearing noise again? Thats how I saw the thoughts in my head. But the same feeling was there. I do not like who I am.I hate looking at myself. I hate that I try and try to fix myself but fail every time. I hate that I have all these things I want to do, but I can’t bring myself to take more than a few steps to get there. I stall every time and each time the same thoughts hit me like a tonne of bricks and Im worn down to nothing again. I build myself up then break myself down. Regardless of how strong the need is to follow my heart and dreams I always lose, talk myself out of it, make excuses, and remind myself of all the things I can't do, how I look and how much I hate it and how many skills I lack and the amount of time it would take to get to where I need to be to be what i want to be.
This is all mental diarrhoea. This is coming out now, but I deal with these thoughts every day. But most days they are just pushed to the back of my mind where I feel they belong. They aren’t constructive. They don't achieve anything. Talking about them doesn't achieve anything. It just provokes people to tell you that “its ok” “but you are amazing” “you are none of the things you think you are” etc etc but it doesn't help. There is always a voice to tell me otherwise. And in reality, I know I'm not as bad as my mind tells me I am, but my mind knows no reason.
I am trapped in a mental hell every day. But I don't see this as something to whine about. others are WAY more worse off than I am. Others mental states are way more dire than mine. I am blessed in comparison. Blessed. I do not like that phrase as I feel its over used these days. But in comparison, I am. But this does not help.
Nothing helps. Well thats a lie. Some music helps. For a hot minute. I wish it lasted longer. I wish it was enough. I try to tell myself its enough. When is enough? What is enough? When do I get a break? When will my mind stop running me into the ground? Its lucky I have just enough strength to hide it most of the time. To hide that I am killing myself. Maybe not in the literal sense, but I ruin every opportunity, every bit of energy to be somebody, something. I am poison to myself. When did I let it get this bad? Did I? I don’t remember giving my brain the permission to be such a fucking asshole. Now I'm a statistic. I'm one of "those people" with anxiety and depression issues. I have a weakness. I didn’t want this.
I feel like I am 2 people. At least. The one who wants all the good things, the good life, who wants to be a singer in a band, either front woman or backing, just in her element, travelling and making others happy with the gift that I have, and then theres the other me,who shoots down every opportunity and who tells the first me constantly that I can't do things and that Im not good enough to do what it takes, that Im fat and that I don't have the energy to lose the weight and that I don’t have the energy for anything in general and that I’m tired.
I just want this to be over. I want to be free. Free of this poisonous mind. Free of the constant war with words and actions and reactions and scenarios that play in my head every single fucking day.
You want real? This is real. This is my real.
origamiaround
amandla
gracieabrams
germansingergirl
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
