Expanse

[catpheeshisstillawake]

[catpheeshisstillawake]

"I just want you to have fun. Life is too short."

-libations-fueled momentary friend

[catpheeshisstillawake]

"We refer to them as our unlived lives because somewhere we believe that they were open to us; but for some reason — and we might spend a great deal of our lived lives trying to find and give the reason — they were not possible. And what was not possible all too easily becomes the story of our lives. Indeed, our lived lives might become a protracted mourning for, or an endless tantrum about, the lives we were unable to live. But the exemptions we suffer, whether forced or chosen, make us who we are." [Adam Phillips]

"Every life, Tranströmer writes, “has a sister ship,” one that follows “quite another route” than the one we ended up taking. We want it to be otherwise, but it cannot be: the people we might have been live a different, phantom life than the people we are....There will likely be no clarity, at least at the outset; there will only be the choice you make and the sure knowledge that either one will contain some loss." [Cheryl Strayed]

"Aging is the slow accretion of impossibilities, and at a certain point we start thinking less about all the things we could do and more about the things we can never do again. Sure, I could theoretically go to Prague or Dublin or Lisbon this year, but I can never ever be 25 in Prague, or 25 in Lisbon, or 25 and in love with the girl I let slip away because she terrified me. It’s natural to think about the person I would be today if I had done any of those things, instead of the things I did. But this fantasy of different choices elides the constraint of me being the person doing the choosing. There is simply no world in which I chase after that girl because I wasn’t, at that point, a person who would do that....Hindsight cannot change that." [Brandy Jensen]

[ingridbergman]

Long Day’s Journey Into Night | 地球最后的夜晚 (2018) dir. Bi Gan

[catpheeshisstillawake]

Time goes by in no time at all, confusing all my tenses

Dean Young, “Pleasure”

[catpheeshisstillawake]

An encroaching sense of the finite

1. “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.“ (Annie Dillard)

2. “I was discovering that not all of the promises would be kept, that some things are in fact irrevocable and that it had counted after all, every evasion and ever procrastination, every word, all of it.” (Joan Didion)

3. “Raymond Carver begins his poem “Locking Yourself Out, Then Trying to Get Back In” like this:

You simply go out and shut the door

without thinking. And when you look back

at what you’ve done

it’s too late. If this sounds

like the story of life, okay.

..Things end in life...more often than not, without you really noticing. The moments where you could have done something differently and/or become someone different rarely announce themselves dramatically, but you begin to notice how they accrue, and how certain things become foreclosed. Sometimes this is tinged with sadness but also a kind of wonder that it’s the mundane happenings and not-happenings that make up your life.” (Brandy Jensen)

[catpheeshisstillawake]

Every sunrise, sometimes strangers’ eyes.

Not necessarily swans, even crows,

even the evening fusillade of bats.

That place where the creek goes underground,

how many weeks before I see you again?

Stacks of books, every page, character’s

rage and poet’s strange contraption

of syntax and song, every song

even when there isn’t one.

Every thistle, splinter, butterfly

over the drainage ditches. Every stray.

Did you see the meteor shower?

Every question, conversation

even with almost nothing, cricket, cloud,

because of you I’m talking to crickets, clouds,

confiding in a cat. Everyone says

Come to your senses, and I do, of you.

Every touch electric, every taste you,

every smell, even burning sugar, every

cry and laugh. Toothpicked samples

at the farmer’s market, every melon,

plum, I come undone, undone.

-Dean Young, “Delphiniums in a Window Box” 

[catpheeshisstillawake]

Our lives were the dust, just the dust in the light in the last summer

Tyson Motsenbocker 

[catpheeshisstillawake]

every time i see Oreo it feels like i’m witnessing magic

like how is such perfection and preciousness even real

[catpheeshisstillawake]

(just wondering)

heyyy soooo quarter life crisis...when are you planning on ending?

(the answer i fear: “never. life is a never-ending crisis. you mean they didn’t tell you?”)

[catpheeshisstillawake]

I know I’m getting older because my Kindle is turning into a self-help library.

Ali Wong

[lesbianrey]

shout out to me in 5 years…hope shes doing something cool i’m rooting for her

[fcknstoner-deactivated20190622]

Thank u to all the pets out there keeping their owners alive without even knowing it Ur doin a great job lil buddy

[catpheeshisstillawake]

Top three obsessions of year 25

Altitude sickness

Desert biome

Scams, real or imagined

[catpheeshisstillawake]

Notes from a cross-country bus ride, 1 year ago

Quiet flatness

Winn-Dixie like the name of that dog in the book

Black Shin ramen at gas station in Chiefland, Florida

Dim motels like the ones my family used to stay in on road trips before we knew (were?) better; I used to find them cozy in an adventurous way and now I’ve been taught to think of them as sketchy

Shining iPhone charging cord?

“Smoking kills crayons”

Did Edward Hopper ever paint suburbia

A lot of fathers and sons traveling together

Is America just a big scam/deceit? So much of it looks so depressing and shabby

Asian tally up to Texas, including me: 2

I haven’t eaten a vegetable in a while...

From 3-course Cruise meals to cheezits and peanut butter m&ms for dinner

Asian tally up to Arizona: 4

The southwest landscape is so beautiful

Asian tally up to California: 6

LA in the early morning mist so that it’s reduced to patches of black with pinpoints of lights like stars floating in the alleys

I feel like I’m traveling through outer space

[catpheeshisstillawake]

Dad: No more chocolate, I won't be able to fall asleep.

Mom: Psh, what does chocolate have to do with sleeping?

Dad: Chocolate contains cocaine!

[catpheeshisstillawake]

*scrolling through Netflix on Christmas Day*

Mom: Ooh, the Grinch? Isn't that like a holiday classic that you're supposed to watch every year on Christmas?

Me: No, it's not! And no holiday movies, I don't like them.

Dad: Oooh. So YOU are the Grinch.