たしかに

Suppose the lions all get up and go, And the brooks and soldiers run away; Will Time say nothing but I told you so? If I could tell you I would let you know.

[crane-story]

cw

i read "one friday in april" by donald antrim last year when going through a very intense s*cidal phase when i didn't even rly know what triggered it

this year i read "how to not kill yourself" by clancy martin when going through a (less intense) s*cidal phase

i thought his interpretation that the desire for suicide is the ultimate desire to escape (life) was interesting. and it also normalized a lot of shame-filled thoughts like "if i don't successfully d*e i'm a failure"

ultimately i found it just to be okay, i wanted it to be more philosophically rigorous and found it to be pretty soft...

i also do feel like the thing about people who want to d*e or who are going through extreme depression is that mostly, depression is pretty boring and the thoughts/patterns are self-destructive and predictable, so reading about them isn't that special after you've read several depression books already idk

i wonder at what point i'm going to accept i'm just like on this earth and i'm on here until i get sick or die in an accident or of old age

one the one hand i do feel like my emotions and behaviors are a lot more under control and i'm calmer in general and able to handle distress much better now that i'm 30, i feel like i'm just way more functional and level than before and many people i think would agree i've matured a lot and gotten a much better handle on my mental health, my personal relationships, etc

but on the other hand i have a bunch of new self-harm photos from the last year and change so idk what that tells you

being 30 and still self-harming is kinda pathetic ngl it's like i'm still a teenager

and being depressed is really boring hoenstly everyone's depression is pretty much the same

[catpheeshisstillawake]

[scoes]

[heyqt-blog-deactivated20200830]

#Girlboss

[ingridbergman]

Autumn Sonata (Höstsonaten) 1978, dir. Ingmar Bergman

[smokefalls]

springs flow into a river rivers into the sea where can the sea go this is how an abyss is shaped

Yi Lu, "Sea First Man Next" from Sea Summit (translated by Fiona Sze-Lorrain)

[gnossienne]

Czesław Miłosz, “Ars Poetica?”

[mercuryfountain-deactivated2024]

Mark Rothko on the "recipe of a work of art," lecture at the Pratt Institute, 1958:

1. There must be a clear preoccupation with death—intimations of mortality... Tragic art, romantic art, etc. deals with the knowledge of death.

2. Sensuality. Our basis of being concrete about the world. It is a lustful relationship to things that exist.

3. Tension. Either conflict or curbed desire.

4. Irony. This is a modern ingredient—the self effacement and examination by which a man for an instant can go on to something else.

5. Wit and Play..for the human element.

6. The ephemeral and chance...for the human element.

7. Hope. 10% to make the tragic concept more endurable.

[smokefalls]

Rotting is a passion, too: promising nothing,

Lee Hyemi, "Fish Tank Holding a Sea Robin" from Unexpected Vanilla (translated by Soje)

[crane-story]

It is so hard to get free

[malojasnake]

— To Raja Rao, by Czeslaw Milosz

[feral-ballad]

Victoria Chang, from Dear Memory: Letters on Writing, Silence, and Grief; “Dear Teacher,”

[Text ID: “The language of poetry reminded me to stay alive. It reminded me that, when it felt like I had nothing, I was nothing, I still had words. I could ride language as if on a horseback, and it could take me anywhere, including deeply into myself.”]

[smokefalls]

Title: Let's Go Let's Go Let's Go Author: Cleo Qian Publication Year: 2023 Publisher: Tin House Books Genre: fiction, short stories, queer lit

This was a wonderful debut short story collection from Qian. I found that each story stood on its own very well, yet they all connected to each other thematically (and, in a couple cases, had some recurring characters). Qian explores themes ranging from living in a consumerist society to struggling with loneliness, bringing to the forefront particular anxieties that East Asian women face in the twenty-first century. I like that these stories really showcase the complexities of being an East Asian woman, with each character pushing at the seams of what society expects from them. Qian takes care to explore the nuances of cultural identity in contemporary times that greatly influence the way the protagonists of these stories navigate their surroundings.

Something else that stood out to me that I found especially striking was a deep reflection on one's journey through life, specifically that everyone is at different points in their lives. While these stories were delicately crafted, I found that Qian also managed to depict the messiness and weirdness of life, especially to demonstrate how things are never going to quite work out the way you want them to. And, through it all, there's still something wonderful to find in this world.

Note: I received an ARC from the publisher.

Content Warning: emotional abuse, adult/minor relationship mentions, alcohol mentions, racism mentions, death mentions, domestic violence mention

[smokefalls]

“You should know,” my grandmother said heavily, “we all carry different ghosts on our back.”

Cleo Qian, "The Girl with the Double Eyelids" from Let's Go Let's Go Let's Go

[smokefalls]

There would be no final answer to anything. There would be no arbiter of how they should be, no guarantee of how they were going to turn out, who they would become, what lives they would live, what the outcomes of the choices they made would be. However far ahead one ran up the road in life, there was only more uncertainty ahead. Constantly, they were in the process of becoming.

Cleo Qian, "Messages from Earth" from Let's Go Let's Go Let's Go

[crane-story]

once again, i want to die. it’s too hard to keep going.

[crane-story]

curse you, summertime depression