Every version of Barney Calhoun, rated
HL1 Alpha Barney: Jesus Christ, what’s Barney “M.P.” Calhoun so frightened about? The fact that his name-tag has a higher-quality texture than his clothes? Or the fact that he’s got a pistol super-glued to his right hand? Who knows. What I do know, however, is that if I saw this dude in my house at 2 AM, I would call the cops. 6.9/10
Weird “In-Between” HL1 Barneys: Both of them are horrid zombie men and I hate the fact that they exist. 3/10
HL1 Barney: Another great classic! With a tired face and strong hands, this Barney’s ready to protect you and fellow scientists from the threats lurking in Black Mesa! At least, until he dies from enemy fire due to AI issues. Or if he’s the one you kill for his pistol. 9/10
HL1 Deathmatch Barney: It’sa me! Angry Security Mario! Man, Barney is furious in this model. He makes angry G-Man from the last post look like the happiest bloke on Earth. Other than his anger issues, this model’s just a red version of Barney. I guess you can say that Barney… is seething red! 8.5/10
HL1 HD Barney/DC Barney: I honestly thought this Barney was going to be slightly lackluster, like the HD model for G-Man. But now that I look at it, it’s pretty good! Sure, Barney’s face doesn’t look anything like the SD model, but everything else is pretty good. You get a thumbs-up from me, weirdly-detailed ID card-carrying HD Barney! 8.5/10
HL1 PSX Barney/Decay Barney: This Barney is the exact same as the HD model, but with different textures, a chin strap for her pleasure safety, and weird eyes. What is it with the PSX Half-Life models and having slightly unnerving eyes? 8.5/10
Black Mesa Barney: This guy probably isn’t even Barney, but since every Guard from the original Half-Life are called Barneys, I’m including him here too. And it’s a really good Barney, fitting both the original design from Half-life and the realistic updates of Black Mesa. Plus, extra points for having randomly-generated faces. 9.5/10
HL2 Barney: Another perfect model from Half-Life 2! Man, what is it with HL2 and having the absolute best models for characters? Probably the fact that there hasn’t been a third game to surpass its models yet. Hahahaha… :( 10/10
HL2 Ep. 1 Barney: He’s the exact same as the Half-Life 2 Barney, but with a messier, dirty face and darker eyes. And I love him all the same. 10/10
Thankfully, there’s no horrible Steam Emote of Barney (yet), so have the “Calhoun is Sexy” GIF as a consolation prize.