APERTURE SCIENCE

"Cave Johnson here. We seem to be having some technical difficulties. Somehow I've ended up the subject of an experiment myself. Remind me to fire the idiots responsible." Affiliated with Citta Alveare. Weapon: Lemons. Ability: The determination to turn these lemons into grenades. Housing: G-6. CEO of Aperture Science: Hive City Branch. Faceclaim: Jude Law.

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma — CA Open

[qwertyanswerz]

QWERTY tilted it’s head looking at him. The computer screen face twitched to the side and a fizzle sounded off from the back of it’s neck. The screen flickering a red [ >{ ] face towards Cave Johnson. Finally breaking through the protocol that every bot goes through in the beginning of being in a new processor. Extending it’s body and pushing it’s hydraulics to elongate it’s limbs and body. The green neon lights running under its separated plate metal started turning red. The now larger bot was a good foot or two taller than Cave. Snapping it’s robotic claws in place of hands as they extended and snapped open and closed.

[PROTOCOL PARAMETERS DISENGAGED: SASS PROGRAM COMPLETED:  I CANT HELP WHO CREATED ME. I WOULDNT CHANGE IT 4 THE WORLDZ AND DIMENSIONS BEYOND. I CARE 4 MY WALTERZ AS U CARE 4 UR COMPANY AND UR SCIENCE. AND UR MEAN 2 ME. I DONT KNO WHY. MAYB JUST BECAUSE IM DIFFERENT AND NOT FROM UR COMPANY. THAT IZ RUDE OF U. I AM PROGRAMMED 2 DEFEND AND HELP THE WALTERZ AND THOZE I C DESERVE HELP AND R NICE 2 ME. NOT STINKY PEOPLE WHO R RUDE 2 THINGZ THAT R DIFFERENT.. ROBUTS HAVE A LOT OF GOOD IDEAS.. IF U JUST LISTEN 2 OTHERZ ONCE IN A WHILE. U DUN HAV 2 B MEAN 2 ME. I WAZ JUST TRYING 2 HELP AS PROTOCOL DEMANDS. UR NOT A WALTER NOR A CREATION OF THE WALTERZ.. BUT I WAS STILL NICE AS I COULD B LIEK A DECENT H.H.HUMAN..SHOULD…I GAVE UNDESERVED RESPECT 2 U.]

QWERTY tried snapping out of it. The sudden break from the proper protocol came at the wrong time with the security system getting annoyed by the human. 

[U SHOULD B NICER CAVE JOHNSONZ.]

The bots body twitched with the frustration it was suddenly feeling.

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

[ Oh no! The robot's been offended! What a shame. Cave Johnson starts feeling a little bad for the thing.

No, wait. No he doesn't. He's Cave Johnson. Cave Johnson doesn't have pity for upgraded conveyor belts! If this bucket of bolts is offended, so be it! He'll dismantle it piece by piece until it's little else but an offended little computer chip! He could take this thing apart with nothing but a lemon—in fact, all it would take is a little squirt of lemon juice in one of these newly exposed crevasses to cause the thing to fritz more so than it is currently, likely incapacitating it long enough to at least hit that damn mute button!

But he doesn't do that. He wouldn't want to waste a lemon. ]

"You're criticizing me for being unkind? Listen here, you glorified toaster! I don't need to sit here and take this! I'm Cave Johnson! I single-handedly brought a company from relative anonymity to the greatest group of scientific minds this world has ever seen!"

[ His face remains stoic for now, though his voice raises in volume. ]

"I'm Cave Johnson! I don't answer to machines! Now you either turn that mute functionality on and walk away—or whatever it is you do—or I'll hit you with a paradox so complex your entire system will be fried!"

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma — CA Open

[qwertyanswerz]

[LOLZ. IM NOT A DUDE. BUT THTZ K. I WAZ NEVER GIVEN A GENDER, MOST REFER 2 ME AS THE FEMALE GENDERZ. BUT U CAN CALL ME WUT U WANTZ.. CAUZE CAVE JOHNSON DOEZ WUT HE WANTZ. LIEK HONEYBADGERZ. CORRECT? AND I WAZ SIMPLY COMPLIMENTING U SIR. I HAVE FLATTERY PROGRAMMING. LUV IZ NOT A CONCEPT I GRASP FULLY. IT IZ A HARD THING 2 STUDY.. 2 MANY FACTORZ AND NOT AS FUN AS OTHER EXPERIMENTZ..USUALLY ONEZ THAT END WITH A BOOM. BUT I C U DUN WANT 2 TALK 2 ME ANYMORE.. ITZ OK. CAN I ASK 2 HELP WITH THE SCIENCEZ SOMETIME? ITZ SORTA KINDA MOSTLY WUT I WAZ DESIGNED TO DO.]

QWERTYs screen flickers to a moving image of a puppy doing the eye thing. The few ways the program is able to express any emotion other than the default. 

[ OH. I HAZ A MUTE FUNCTION I THINK. I DUN KNO WHERE THO. THIS IZ NOT MY NORMAL BODY. I MISS MY 64” FLATSCREEN EXPLOSION RESISTANT WHITE METAL FRAME BODY THAT IZ HOOKED IN2 THE MAINFRAME.. -synthetic sigh- IM RAMBLING AGAIN ARENT I?.. U CAN TELL ME 2 SHUT UP AT ANY TIMEZ. I KNO I AM ANNOYING. I WAZ PROGRAMMED LIEK THIS. :/ ]

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

[ Well, of course it doesn't have a gender! What sort of idiot would assign a gender to a robot? Sure, one might provide it with voice programming that would imply one side or the other—as is the case with GLaDOS—but the machine will always be a machine, and therefore always be an 'it'.

Regardless, this conversation is boring and annoying him. If only his lemons were combustable, he would shove one into this thing's central processing unit to end its terrible self.

And that's when he heard about the mute function. ]

"Good God, man! Why didn't you tell me about that before? I would rather you turn that mute function on as soon as possible, if not sooner! So yes, if you could kindly shut up, I would appreciate it greatly. A robot should be seen, not heard, unless it's one of Aperture's genius creations!"

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"Ah, this is what I call a social experiment!"

"I must know how Black Mesa did it! There must be vents emitting mind-altering drugs throughout this artificial city! Because damn, you people are mad this Sunday!"

[hushpupper-deactivated20240118]

I Should've

"You know," Cave had said one day as he buttoned his coat, “it’d be pretty damn convenient if we got married."

"Oh? Why’s that?" Caroline replied, looking up from a new applicant’s resumé.

"Well, for starters, we just make those late after-work meetings more convenient. You end up spending the night at my place sometimes anyway. You’ve any idea how much easy it’d be on your mortgage if you just married me?"

"Oh, I don’t like being pressured like this, Mister Johnson," Caroline had said coolly, feigning an annoyed expression. 

"I’m not pressuring you. Just politely asking you. Like a real gentleman should."

"Don’t forget your pills," Caroline said, handing the bottle to Cave, “I don’t want to find out you got into an accident coughing up a storm."

"Well, I used to be a safe driver, Caroline," Cave said, now ready to leave his office, “but who wants to drive a safe?"

Caroline chuckled—she’d heard this joke before—and gave her boss a peck on the cheek.

"Drive safely. I’ll be leaving soon too."

"Alright. Good night, Caroline."

"Goodnight, Mister Johnson."

"Consider that offer seriously, now."

"I will."

And I should’ve, Caroline thought as she looked down at Cave’s corpse, dressed in a black tuxedo in an equally black coffin, I really should’ve.

[yurinjailagain]

"You’re just as broke as I am, aren’t you?"

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

[ Swiggity swone, Cave Johnson is gone. ]

[yurinjailagain]

He landed like a cat, all graceful and alive.

"Hey, I helped you with your little experiment. Now pay up."

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

[ It's about time to test if propulsion gel is made from oranges. And maybe also to try out Aperture Science Patented Running Shoes. ]

[yurinjailagain]

Without another word, Yuri began the long ascent up said building. He tossed the sketchy-looking fellow a crisp salute and hopped on down, landing upon the blue puddle.

Now then, question is— did science prevail?

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"Interesting."

"Well, I think that's conclusive evidence that repulsion gel is not made of blueberries. Only question now is whether the boy is unconscious or dead. Either way, my work here is done.

Clean up on aisle everywhere."

[yurinjailagain]

"Oh, not to worry, sir. I won’t be breaking any bones from a drop like this. This is easy stuff. Here you are. All Is dotted and all Ts crossed."

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"Damn fine job, boy. Damn fine. Now get up there and hop onto this blue puddle. If my hypothesis is correct, you'll bounce off onto the building across the street and get twenty dollars. If my hypothesis is incorrect, I'll have purple goop and get to keep my money."

[ So it's really a win-win. ]

[yurinjailagain]

"Twenty bucks for leaping off of a building? Sounds like easy money. Where do I sign up?"

The beauty of existing in a game without fall damage.

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"Marvelous! I need you to sign a few contracts so that you won't sue the company should you survive but sustain crippling injuries. No need to worry, though. It's all standard protocol mumbo jumbo stuff anyway."

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"I've got a dare for you! I recently smashed up a few buckets of blueberries in an attempt to recreate repulsion gel. I forgot where the lab boys found the original batch's components, and it's not really a convenient time to contact them now, so I'm starting from scratch."

"Who'd be willing to jump from one of these buildings onto a puddle of the stuff? I promise you won't get hurt. Probably. And there's a crisp twenty dollar bill waiting for you if you survive! Which you will; I'm sure of it.

On an unrelated note, there's a separate twenty dollars waiting for whomever is willing to clean up whatever blood stains that are produced during testing."

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

♦♣★

♦

Cave is incredibly proud of the fact that much of the new, innovative technology created during his life was conceptualized and tested by the scientists at Aperture. Even though they don't get credit for the ideas (because, according to him, the other companies stole them and published them first), he still holds a sense of pride that he's smarter and faster than the other companies.

♣ 

He'd probably find it embarrassing that he was stupid enough to poison himself with moon dust, but he wouldn't allow himself to be affected by it until after his death. So nothing, I guess. He's too proud.

★

Daytime is filled with testing. Aperture is constantly hustling and bustling during the daylight hours. Late nights are the only times he's able to relax before a nice fire in his robe, possibly looking over testing results and other paperwork with Caroline while sharing an expensive cognac or some wine.

He probably prefers those nights with Caroline, but he'd never admit it to her.

[cittamemes]

♥ - What does ‘love’ mean to them? 

♠ - What are they afraid of?

♦ - What is one thing about them that they are most proud of?

♣ - What is one thing that they find embarrassing? (About them, others, things in general)

❧ - They receive a bouquet of flowers, how do they react?

★ - Do they prefer daytime or nighttime and why?

☾- Are they prone to nightmares or dreamless sleep?

☼ - Something that/Someone who makes them happy.

☁ - If they’re caught out in the rain how do they react?

♪ - Are they musically inclined? 

♫ - What kind of music do they enjoy?

✓ - How do they react to praise?

✕ - How do they handle rejection?

☺ - Do they prefer sour or sweet treats?

❄ -  Favourite season and why?

☯ - Do they sleep with the lights on or off?

☮ - Do they have an idol or someone they look up to?

❤ - Do they have a love interest?

✖ - Who is someone they just cannot stand?

♔ - Do they value loyalty?

♕ - Do they trust easily?

☠ - How do they react to death?

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"This is a terrible social experiment! Leave it to Black Mesa to perform a social experiment with no alterable variables or control groups!"

"You can't just shove a bunch of people in a city and call it a social experiment! That's not a social experiment! That's not an experiment at all!"

[misfortunesking-blog]

Slaughters more people no one cares about.

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"Now that's the Aperture Science spirit!"

[ephemeralbursts]

"Please,it wasn’t even a good one, hmm. Let me know when you’d like to see a real explosion that’ll blow you to pieces."

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"I'll have Caroline pencil you in for five minutes ago. Seriously. Why aren't you already showing me? Get your damn magic powers ready to blow me away!"

"You wouldn't happen to be able to turn lemons into combustible lemons, would you?"

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"Well, I don't know why a kid would hang around such dangerous people if they weren't prepared to take a blast of energy here or there."

"On a related topic, that blast of energy came out of that man's hand. I think testing is in order."

[cavejohnsonversuslemons-blog]

"Of course the application was accepted. I'm Cave Johnson, after all!"