A/N : this pic is definitely gonna be shorter than I wanna be yours, but I'm really into it already 🥹
The next morning was ridiculous, there was no other word for it. You stood in front of your closet for nearly fifteen minutes staring, thinking, changing your mind about what shirt to wear. Why ? You had no idea. It wasn't a date, at least that's what you kept telling yourself. It was just Gator, the annoying nepo-baby deputy, the one who spent half his time bothering you, nothing more. And yet somehow you'd already changed outfits four times, pathetic.
At 9:56AM sharp, your phone buzzed. You looked down to se a text from Gator.
Gator : outside
Gator : didnt run away ?
You rolled your eyes but still smiled.
Two minutes later you were hurrying down the stairs with your coat, bag, and phone. The Stark County cruiser was parked in front of the building and you immediately spotted him. One arm hanging out the open window, green cap again, sunglasses, looking entirely too pleased with himself. The passenger door opened from the inside and you climbed in.
The smell hit you instantly, a mix of leather, cologne and something distinctly Gator. The cruiser somehow smelled exactly like you'd expected it to. He glanced over, a grin already waiting.
“Well.” You closed the door.
“What ?”
“I was starting to think you'd changed your mind.” You buckled your seatbelt.
“It's been four minutes.”
“Felt longer.” You rolled your eyes and his grin widened. Gator pulled away from the curb.
“So… Where are we going ?” You asked, and he shook his head right away.
“Nope.”
“What do you mean nope ?”
“It's a surprise.” You stared.
“Ugh. You're one of those people ?”
“One of what people ?”
“The surprise people.” He laughed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in the process. Shit, that’s kinda hot.
“Apparently.” He looked at you and winked. Shit, that’s definitely hot. “You eat breakfast yet ?”
“No.”
“Perfect.” The road stretched ahead, snow-covered fields on both sides as the cruiser hummed softly beneath you. For a little while neither of you spoke, then Gator broke the silence.
“So… How long were you in California ?” Fuck, there it was, the questions. you’ve never even been to California. Quick, you need to think.
“A long time, practically grew up there.” He hummed.
“Where ?” Shit. The answer came way too quickly.
“Sacramento.” Another complete lie. Gator nodded slowly.
“Huh.” The way he said it made you nervous. Was he taking you out to eat or was he interrogating you ? “You got family there ?” Your stomach tightened.
“No. I told you, they’re all dead.” Another lie, and Gator glanced over this time.
“Huh, really ? I thought you only said that to annoy me. Uh … I’m sorry, won’t ask again.”
“It’s okay.” No, it wasn’t okay, your family wasn’t dead, and the silence in the cruiser was crushing both of you now.
Another mile passed, then another. Gator rested one hand on the steering wheel, the other on the center console. He finally decided to break the awkward silence.
“So what made you move ?” You almost laughed, if only he knew. Oh I don’t know Gator, witness protection ? Federal relocation ? Potentially people wanting me dead ? Instead, you settled on another lie.
“Needed a change.” Gator was quiet for a moment.
“That bad ?” You stared out the windshield, the question kinda hurting you.
“Yeah.” He didn’t push, didn’t pry which somehow surprised you.
Didn't ask more.
A few minutes later the mood shifted again, thankfully as he parked in front of a diner, something that was probably there since the eighties. You smiled. “A diner ?”
“Don't sound so disappointed.”
“I'm not. I sounded surprised.” He smirked.
“That's disappointment.” You laughed as he opened his car door and pointed at you.
“Stay.” You blinked.
“What ?”
“Don't move.” Before you could ask why, he was already climbing out of the driver's side. You watched through the windshield as he hurried around the front of the cruiser and opened your door. You stared and Gator stared back.
“...Did you just run around the car to open my door ?”
“Ran is a strong word.”
“You literally jogged.”
“That's not important.”
“This feels like something my grandfather would've done.” He groaned, a shade of red now coating his cheeks.
“Get out.”
The bell above the diner door jingled as you entered. Warmth immediately wrapped around you.
“Gator Tillman.” An older woman behind the counter smiled brightly.
“Morning, Ruby.” She pointed at you and her eyes widened while looking at him.
“Don't start.”
“Oh.”
“Ruby.”
“Not saying a thing.”
“You are absolutely saying a thing.” You couldn't stop laughing and the woman winked.
“Booth by the window.”
A few minutes later you sat across from Gator. “You already know what you're getting ?” You asked, and he shrugged.
“Yeah. I know the menu.”
“How often do you come here ?”
“Four times a week.” You lowered your menu.
“Four times ?”
“Maybe five.”
“Oh my God. Do you live here ?” He grinned again.
“Practically.”
Once Ruby disappeared with your orders, you pointed at him.
“My turn.”
“Your turn what ?”
“Questions.” The deputy sighed dramatically. “You've been interrogating me for like a week.”
“Mh. I'll allow it.”
“How generous.” You leaned back, thinking.
“Where do you live ?”
“The ranch.” He said it like this was the most obvious thing in the world.
“What ranch ?”
“My dad's ranch.”
“Like your own place on the ranch ?” A brief hesitation.
“The main house.” You stared.
“Wait, you told me you were twenty-seven, and still live with your daddy ?” The moment the words left your mouth, you wished you could grab them and shove them back in. His smile disappeared and his jaw tightened.
“Yeah.” The answer came flat, so you immediately changed course.
“How long have you been a deputy ?”
“Three years.”
“You like it ?”
“Most days.”
“Most days ?” He shrugged.
“People keep speeding.” You rolled your eyes.
“There he is. The asshole.” He smiled again, and you felt some sort of relief that he wasn’t mad at you. “Favorite movie ?”
“Top Gun.”
“You are such a cliché.” The grin widened. “Favorite color ?” He looked genuinely confused.
“What am I, twelve ?” Before either of you could continue, Ruby arrived carrying your food. You stared at the enormous plate in front of Gator, then at him.
“Are you preparing for winter ?”
“Always.” You laughed again. And somewhere between the pancakes, the sarcasm, and the ridiculous amount of food sitting in front of him, you realized you were actually having a good time.
By the time breakfast was over, your cheeks hurt from laughing, which was annoying as you were trying very hard not to enjoy yourself. Ruby eventually appeared with the check and you immediately reached for it, so did Gator, and he was faster than you.
“Hey.” You frowned. “I can pay, you brought us here.”
“Nope.” He already had his wallet out.
“Gator. I'm serious.”
“So am I.” You reached for the check again and he pulled it away.
“Let me pay, I got it.”
“Absolutely not. My mama would've come back from the dead just to slap me.” You blinked.
“What ?”
“If I let a lady pay while I'm sitting right here.” You stared at him for a few seconds before speaking again.
“That might be one of the most old-fashioned things I've ever heard.”
“Thank you.” You groaned as he pulled out some bills from his wallet.
“Fine. But I'm paying next time.” The words slipped out before you could stop them, ‘next time’, you didn’t even know there would be a next time. Gator smirked.
“Okay.” Your stomach did something weird, but you ignored it.
A little while later you were back in the cruiser. You buckled your seatbelt. “Now where are we going ?”
“Still a surprise.”
The first stop was a frozen overlook just outside town. A hill overlooking miles of snow-covered fields. You climbed out of the cruiser and immediately got hit by the wind. “Oh my God.”
“What ?” He laughed.
“Why does this state hate people ?”
“Builds character.”
“It builds hypothermia.” Gator was still laughing as you shoved your hands deeper into your coat pockets. The view was beautiful though, you had to admit that, snow stretching endlessly toward the horizon. The winter sun reflecting off everything, making the whole world look silver.
“Pretty.” The word slipped out quietly. Gator glanced over, and smiled again.
“Yeah… Pretty.” He replied, looking straight at you as the words came out of his mouth.
The second stop was a small lake, frozen solid. You watched two kids playing hockey on the ice, one recognized Gator right away.
“Deputy Tillman !” Gator waved and the kid waved back enthusiastically, then crashed into a snowbank. You laughed as the kid stood up completely unharmed.
Gator shook his head. “That's Cody.”
“Is he always like that ?”
“Unfortunately.” You spent almost half an hour looking at the kids playing and laughing. After a while, Gator got closer to you, his hand almost touching yours, but the kids laughed loudly and he jumped a little, pulling away.
The third stop was a tiny general store. Apparently everybody in Stark County knew Gator. Most of the time, people would just shake their head and look the other way, that’s when you remembered Harold telling you about the Tillman’s reputation. Gator got in and bought a big pack of cookies.
“These ones here.” He showed you the label clearly. “They’re the best cookies ever. They’re only sold here though, but they’re definitely worth the hassle.” He opened it and you took one out. He was right, they were incredible cookies.
The afternoon passed surprisingly quickly. Conversations became easier, and at some point you stopped thinking about what to say before saying it, which hadn't happened in a long time.
Near sunset, you found yourselves walking along a quiet trail leading to your apartment, snow crunching beneath your boots. Gator had parked his cruiser further away, allowing you both to walk a little as the sky turned orange. He glanced over at you. “You had fun.” It wasn't a question, you rolled your eyes.
“Don't ruin it.” The grin widened.
By the time you reached your apartment building, both of you were still laughing. At this point, you weren't even sure what you'd been talking about anymore, only that it had been funny.
“There's no way that happened.” Gator looked deeply offended.
“Katie.”
“There is absolutely no way a goose stole your lunch.”
“It did.”
“A goose.”
“Yes.” You laughed so hard you had to stop walking. Gator pointed at you.
“See ? People always take the goose's side.”
“Because you're making it up.”
“Am not.” Eventually you reached the entrance to your building, and the laughter faded naturally, the way good conversations sometimes did. Neither of you immediately said goodbye, instead both of you just stood there.
“Well.” Gator shifted slightly. “Guess this is it.” You smiled.
“Guess so.” But neither of you moved. He looked down briefly, then back up. His expression had changed, it was somehow softer, less teasing and cocky. Just… Gator, the real one. The version that appeared when he forgot to perform for everybody else.
Slowly, one of his hands slipped from his jacket pocket. You watched him reach toward you, watched him carefully brush a loose strand of hair behind your ear. The gesture was so gentle your breath caught. His hand lingered and settled against your cheek.
You could feel the heat of him standing so close, could smell his cologne. The entire world seemed to narrow until there was only him. “I had fun too, Katie.”
And suddenly, the name hit you like a punch. Katie, the lie, the fake name, fake life, fake everything. The smile vanished from your face, because Katie wasn't you, she wasn't real.
And Gator didn't know that, he didn’t know who you were and what you had done. Didn't know what was following you and what could eventually find you. You couldn't do this, couldn’t drag him into it, couldn’t let him get attached to somebody who technically didn't even exist. The guilt hit so hard it made your stomach turn.
You saw the moment he decided to kiss you in his eyes, in the tiny shift, in the way he leaned closer slowly, giving you every opportunity to stop him. Your heart broke, because you wanted him to kiss you, but he didn’t deserve to be dragged in your shit life. So when he got close, you turned your head at the last second.
His lips landed against your cheek, not your mouth. The contact lasted barely a second before it was gone. A long and awkward silence settled between you, the kind that made your chest hurt. You looked up at him, and Gator had frozen completely. Then you noticed the tightening of his jaw, the brief press of his lips together as if he was trying not to react, trying not to show he has been hurt.
“Gator…” He immediately stepped back, his hand withdrawing from your face and back into his pocket like it had never been there. “Okay.” His tone was flat, and you hated it.
“No, I…”
“It's fine.”
“It isn't.”
“It's fine.” He repeated, tone sharp now. You opened your mouth again, because you didn’t want him to feel that way, you needed to explain, needed him to understand.
“I can’t…” But he wasn't looking at you anymore, he was looking somewhere over your shoulder, anywhere except directly at you.
“Katie. I get it.”
“No, you don’t.” A small laugh escaped him, not a happy one. You took a step towards him but he took one back.
“Goodnight.” The word landed like a door slamming shut.
“Gator… ”
“No. Goodnight Katie.” He said, this time firmer. Before you could stop him, he turned and started walking away, hands shoved into his pockets and head down. You stood there frozen watching him disappear down the sidewalk, every step making the distance between you larger. And all you could think was that you'd done the right thing, you knew you had. So why did it feel so much like a mistake ?
Gator & miss are doing well together, Blake is making miss feel uncomfortable.
Unwanted advances, little bit of smut but not really I guess. 18+
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“It’s strange to see you this side of the door” Blake laughed from behind you, you turn slowly to face him. Oh shit, the last time you spoke to him was when you kicked him out of your house after letting him think he was about to get lucky.
“I know” you sigh as you wait outside Dollie’s classroom door, awkwardly turning back around hoping that’s the end of the conversation.
“There’s been another job opening, at my son’s high school if you’re interested” he stepped forward so he was next to you now, his arm brushing against your shoulder. “I could help you again?” He smiled down at you.
“I think I’m just gonna take some time off from working” you gave him a quick half smile, pulling your phone out of your pocket to check the time to see how much longer you had to suffer this awkward encounter. “Spend some time at home”
“That’s a shame” he sighed looking down at your phone “here” he grabbed your phone from your hands before you had chance to stop him “my number for if you want the info put your number in here” he pushed his phone into your hands before giving you chance to think. Eyes burning down into you as he waited for you to do as he asked, so you did.
“Done” you half smile as you pass him the phone back, stomach turning.
“Wanna take the girls to the park?” Your stomach turned, why isn’t he taking the hint. He must have noticed the expression on your face as he took a step back “just friends” he raised both hands in the air laughing.
“N-“
“Mama!” Dollie shouted as she wrapped her arms around your legs, you look down at her smiling softly.
“Hey baby!”
“Girls! What do you say we go to the park?” Blake cut in, grinning down at the girls. You skin was prickling with anxiety as you look at him.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” The girls screamed holding onto each others hands.
“Dollie, daddy will be home soon. We should get going” you nervously smiled at her, praying she wouldn’t fight you on this today.
“It’s cool, just half an hour” Blake pushed as he stepped closer to you, eyes burning into you.
“Please mama” Dollie begged as she jumped up and down in front of you.
You exhaled as you looked at her, she had you right where she wanted you at all times.
“Okay, not for long” you smile at her.
The walk to the park was mostly silent, from you anyway. The girls were happily skipping together and chatting away, Blake was talking to you about how his relationship with his wife ended. You tried to drown it out, not really giving a fuck as you just nodded.
At the park it didn’t get much easier, the girls played together while you watched. Blake went on and on and on not getting the hint that you didn’t want to hear it, you didn’t even want to be here.
“So, you never told me what happened with him” this caught your attention, turning towards him as you looked at him. Fuck, Gator. You knew having to tell him you were here with Blake today wouldn’t go down well, but in your defence you didn’t even want to do it.
“We.. we sorted it” you smiled softly, noticing the way his expression dropped as he looked at you “we’re back together”
“Oh” Blake looked down at the floor before forcing a smile and looking back at you “wasn’t expecting that” he scoffed.
“He made some mistakes, don’t we all” you let out a breathy laugh as you look at him, his expression blank as he looked at you. You could feel the panic rising through your body, his eyes felt intense as they watch you.
“doesn’t mean it can’t happen”
“What can’t happen?” You looked at him confused, heart beating in your chest rapidly. Oh god you felt scared, why did you feel scared?
“I know you like me, just like I like you” Blake scoffed, shuffling closer to you on the bench “Wouldn’t have invited me round that time if you didn’t, No one has to know”
Your breath caught in your throat as you looked into his eyes, fuck had you really given him that impression?
“N-no” you started to shake your head “I don-“
“Hey! If it’s easier not to admit it, that’s fine by me” his hand settles against your thigh squeezing it, your eyes shoot down to where it rested before looking back up at him “we can make it work” he smirked as his hand slowly moved further up your thigh.
“Dollie! We have to go” you called as you practically jumped up off the bench, heart racing as you walked towards her.
“But mama..” Dollie pouted as her friend held onto her arm also pouting.
“Please baby” you quietly pleaded and to your surprise she didn’t fight you, holding onto her hand as you turn with her bumping straight into Blake who was right behind you.
“Did you ever tell him about that day?” He whispered next to your ear, sending a chill through your body. You turned your face away from him, looking down at Dollie whose eyes were wide as she looked between the two of you. “I’d hate to have to break the news to him”
“Stop” you whisper “it was nothing. I was in a bad place, this is.. nothing. I’m happy” you tried your hardest to convince him, maybe he’d back off it he knew how happy you really were.
Blake let out a sarcastic laugh as you gripped onto Dollie’s hand tighter, her big eyes looking up at you with worry.
“Wasn’t nothing and isn’t nothing” you feel the sick rising in your throat as his breath hits yours lips, quickly stepping back from him.
“I said STOP” you snap.
You swallowed hard as you looked at him, everything in you telling you to run but you were frozen with genuine fear. Maybe you could call gator? He’d help diffuse the situation but how would you explain to him that you’d got yourself into this situation in the first place. Fuck.
“Same time tomorrow?” He smiled picking the tone of his voice back up looking down at Dollie “make sure mama brings you” he squeezes her cheek softly before walking away.
~
You slam the door of the house behind you, gator wasn’t home yet.
You were thankful, the expression on your face he would know something was wrong. At least you had a few hours to pull yourself together before he got home.
“Chase me!” Dollie giggled as she ran towards the kitchen, looking back over her shoulder every so often “c’mon mama!”
“Coming” you smiled as you ran towards her, thoughts of everything that happened at the park flooding your head making you stop dead in your tracks.
“Mama?” Dollie’s eyes focused on your face, you looked down at her smiling softly “got ya” you reached out pulling her into you.
“Your doing the sad smile” she pouted “I don’t like the sad smile”
Your chest tightened at her words, she deserved your full attention. Not whatever this was.
“Let’s get you some dinner, yeah?” You smiled softly as you ran your hand over the cheek that Blake had squeezed.
“Okay mama” she smiled as you watched her drag the chair from the table towards the kitchen counter so she could reach the sides.
You kept your mind as focused as possible on Dollie, it wasn’t too hard with how much she chatted. She told you all about her day at school, her friends and even about what she wanted to read tonight in bed. You nodded along as you listened to her, making all the right sounds as she explained things to you. But your mind kept flicking between the baby, gator, and how you suddenly felt so un easy about Blake. He’d always been so understanding in the past, you’d even class him as a friend so what changed? Why did you feel sick about him when you thought of him? The way he touched your skin made your body shake, it felt wrong on all levels. It was unwanted.
Everything moved quickly before you knew it you’d ate, bathed Dollie and tucked her safely in bed. You hopped into the shower trying your best to scrub the memories of today away, the only sound through the house was the sound of the water hitting the floor. Relaxing, almost.
You pulled one of gators old T-shirts onto your wet body as you stepped out of the shower, not bothering to dry off. You picked up your phone off the side, only ten minutes until he usually walked through the door.
You looked at yourself in the mirror, hand resting against your stomach as you forced a smile to your face. He couldn’t know, you couldn’t ruin this.
~
“Evenin”
“Gator” you pushed up off the sofa walking towards him, hair still dripping down your back as you reached him. Wrapping your arms around his waist as your head rested against his chest.
“Yer like a drowned rat” he laughed as he rested one of his hands against the back of your head “got ya these on my break” you stepped back watching as he dug his hands into his pocket before pulling out the little bottle.
“What is it?” You reached your hand out towards it, he placed them gently into your hand as he watched your expression soften.
“Vitamins, thought ya could use em while ya get ya self back right with ya eatin an all tha”
You smile up at him, heart fluttering as you watched the smile spread across his lips. He was clearly proud of himself for trying, knowing more than you did about pregnancy had its perks. He felt like he could finally take care of you, like you had for him all these months.
“Thank you”
“S’ok” he shrugged as he looked at you “how’s doll been?”
“Good” you smiled softly walking back towards the sofa with gator following behind you, you placed the bottle of vitamins down on the table. “Took her to the park after school”
“Yeah?” He grinned at you “bet she loved tha, did Tara come?”
Your chest tightened as you looked at him, your eyes moving back to the vitamins on the table.
“No, we still haven’t.. made up” you half smiled still not looking at him. “Just us two” lie, lie, lie.
“Ya need ta be careful by ya self pretty girl, bad people out n bout”
Things still felt a little awkward with Gator, back together but things still felt.. off. Like neither of you wanted to make the first move to touch each other, scared one of you would pull away.
“Missed ya” gators hand rested against your stomach softly “ya ate today?”
“Not yet” you shrugged.
“It’s 11pm mama” gator sighed “cmere” he draped one arm over the back of the sofa giving you space to sit next to him.
You shuffled into the gap, his arm moving to wrap around you now. Big hand placed against your stomach, like that was its new place.
“Ya know, ya gotta try”
“I am, I’m sorry” you sighed as you turned your face to look up at him, his eyes meeting yours instantly and that’s where they stayed. No words, no movement just a quiet moment, like you both understood what this was but didn’t at the same time.
“Don’t be sorry” gator whispered, letting his nose drag across yours slowly “nothin ta be sorry bout”
You let your eyes flicker shut, the feeling of his skin against yours erasing every worry consuming you.
“I can’t wait y’know?” His voice was soft, soothing almost as his eyes settled against his hand resting on your stomach “ta jus be a family, we need some happy mama”
“We do” you smiled up at him softly, resting your hand on top of gators “I’m glad it’s with you”
“Who else would it be?” Gator teased making you laugh, his chest filling with butterflies just like it always did when you laughed “nah, I get it. Meant to be pretty girl”
“Do you love me?” You whispered letting your lips brush against his softly, a quiet hitched breath falling from him.
“More than anythin” he whispered back, his own lips bumping against yours as he spoke. “Always have”
You pressed your lips against his softly, hesitantly but he returned the kiss. You got onto your knees on the sofa so you were facing him fully, his hand resting at the back of your neck as he pulled you back towards his lips. You can taste the sweet taste of his vape on his breath as you kiss him, parting your lips to let him inside. Tongues brushing against each other softly as he groaned into your mouth, gators other hand slowly moving up your thigh before softly squeezing your ass as you bit down on his bottom lip.
“So perfect, mama” he whispered as he pulled you onto his lap “my pretty girl” his lips moving down to your neck, placing wet open mouthed kisses trailing down to your collar bone. “Missed this so much” his tone was soft, everything about tonight seemed soft.
A different side of gator that you wasn’t used to, but you liked it.
“Me too” you whispered back as you rolled your hips against his lap, feeling his hard cock against you. Your eyes flickering shut at the feeling you craved so much, gators hands found the bottom of the oversized shirt you were wearing pulling it over your head leaving you completely bare ontop of him.
Gators eyes darkened as his eyes worked their way down your body before looking back up to you, head dipping slightly to kiss across your chest. One hand resting against your breast as his mouth kissed its way down to the other, sealing his warm lips around your nipple as you moan softly. Your back arching as he sucked at it softly, warm tongue swirling across it.
“Gator..”
Your phone was buzzing away on the table in front of you, gator pulled away from you looking at it. His stomach turning, your phone never rang. You’d said you still hadn’t made amends with Tara so who was it?
“Wanna get that?”
“No, no” it was probably just Tara trying to make peace, she could wait. You pull gators face back towards your chest.
“Fuckin love these” he pulls away from your nipple to switch over to the other one “they’re gonna get so big all full mama” he groaned against your chest at the thought.
Your phone buzzed again, not stopping this time. Gator sighed as he pulled away again, eyes looking up at you.
“Sounds important”
“It’s not” you smile before leaning back into him, lips pressed to his as you moved his hands to your hips. “This is” you whisper against his lips.
Gator smiles before moving back in kissing your lips as his big hands move up your back, sending a shiver through your body.
Buzzing, again.
Gator exhales against your mouth, shaking his head as he looks up at you.
“Jus check it, then turn it off” he sighed “want all ya attention tonight pretty”
you climbed off sending him a flirty smirk, grabbing your phone off the table. Stomach turning as you looked down at it.
UNKNOWN: are you with him?
UNKNOWN: bet you’re thinking of me
UNKNOWN: did you like it when I touched you today?
UNKNOWN: I can touch other places tomorrow baby, touching myself thinking about it.
UNKNOWN: missed call
UNKNOWN: stop playing hard to get
UNKNOWN: missed call
Your hands start to shake as you held onto the phone, quickly turning it off placing it back down onto the table.
“Who was it?” Gator asked as he started stripping out of his clothes, a feeling of shame washing over you as you looked at him.
You wanted to tell him, you really did but everything was back on track. This would for sure throw it back off again, it wasn’t worth it. You could sort this.
“Tara” you smiled softly before walking back over to him.
The next morning started with coffee. You got ready for your first day working in your new life. You arrived at the bookstore ten minutes early and Harold was already there. The little bell above the door chimed when you walked in.
“Katie !” You jumped, Harold appeared from behind a bookshelf carrying two mugs. One was immediately shoved into your hands.
“Oh.” You blinked. “Thanks.”
“You’re gonna need it.” The old man nodded knowingly.
“Why ?”
“Because I talk a lot ! Especially when I’m with new people !” You laughed.
“That doesn't sound too bad.” Harold gave you a look.
“Oh, sweetheart.” That should have been your warning.
One hour later, you understood, Harold talked constantly. About books, about customers, about weather, about another bookstore he'd visited in 1987, about a customer who once accidentally locked himself in the bathroom for two hours. There seemed to be no subject he couldn't talk about. At one point, he spent ten minutes explaining why the town's old water tower was ugly.
The bookstore had officially opened at nine, and ever since it was open, it seemed like every person in town immediately appeared. The bell above the door never stopped ringing, people came in, browsed, bought books, talked a lot, and somehow every single one of them already knew your name.
“Morning, Katie !” You smiled politely. How the fuck do you know my name ?
Another customer. “Settling in okay, Katie ?”
Another. “Welcome to town, Katie !”
After what seemed to be the tenth customer who called you by your name, you leaned towards Harold. “Did you tell everybody about me ?” The old man looked genuinely offended.
“Of course not.” Relief. Then “I only told most people. The word probably got passed around.” You groaned, fuck these small towns.
By eleven o'clock you'd learned more about Stark County than any outsider should ever know, mostly because Harold had decided you needed an education.
“You see that woman ?” You looked up, a woman was browsing cookbooks.
“Uh huh.”
“Third husband.” You blinked.
“What ?” Harold nodded confidently.
“Third husband. Second husband ran away with a yoga instructor. Terrible business.” The woman waved cheerfully and you waved back, horrified.
Twenty minutes later, Harold spoke again. “You see him ?” You followed Harold's gaze towards an older man in overalls.
“Yep.”
“He got arrested for stealing his own tractor.” You stared.
“I’m sorry ?” Harold nodded.
“Forgot he'd sold it. Decided to take it back.”
By lunchtime you'd accepted that Stark County ran entirely on gossip. The bookstore was basically town hall, people bought books as a side activity, they came here mostly to talk, and Harold knew absolutely everything.
The bell above the door jingled. You didn't even bother looking up at first, thinking it was just another customer. But then Harold groaned. “Oh, Lord.” You looked up and there he was, Gator Tillman, green cap, sheriff’s vest, that stupidly confident walk, and somehow an even more confident grin than yesterday. The second he stepped through the door, he removed his sunglasses and hooked them into the front of his shirt like he was arriving on a movie set.
“Morning, Harold.” Harold rolled his eyes.
“Morning, trouble.” Gator looked offended.
“Trouble ?” A hand pressed dramatically against his chest. “Harold, I'm a respected public servant.” He didn’t answer, so Gator turned his full attention on you. “There she is, the talk of the town.” You froze, that’s exactly what you didn’t want. You returned to organizing books, hoping that ignoring him would make him go away.
Harold disappeared into the back room leaving you alone with him. Coward. Gator wandered over to the counter, not buying anything, just browsing. That’s when you realized that the two other people who were in the shop before before he walked in left. He rested his elbows on the counter and looked at you.
“What do you want ?” You snapped, and he looked genuinely surprised.
“What a warm welcome.”
“What do you want ?” You repeated.
“I came to support a local business.”
“Do you even know how to read ?” His jaw ticked once, you noticed he didn’t like that one.
“You know, people usually appreciate law enforcement. What are you, one of those libtards that hate the police ?” You snorted, it slipped out before you could stop it.
“And what are you ? One of those rednecks that thinks a badge make them important ?” His jaw ticked again, clearly not enjoying this conversation.
“You definitely don't appreciate law enforcement. And you definitely don’t know how to stay in your place.” You rolled you eyes and returned to stacking books.
“Maybe law enforcement should be more appreciative.” He blinked.
“What does that mean ?”
“Oh sorry, was that word too hard for you ? It means you spend an awful lot of time bothering people.” His jaw dropped.
“Bothering people ? Katie, I literally keep this town safe.” You glanced around the bookstore, no one was in here anymore, sure looked very dangerous.
“Mh. Looks exhausting. You’re not buying or reading anything. You can leave now.”
“Why would I do that ?” The bell above the door rang again, an old woman walked in, and when she noticed Gator, turned around and left. What the fuck ? “You know what's funny ?”
“No.”
“You haven't asked me a single question.” You resumed organizing books.
“Because I don't care.”
“Ouch. See ? Rude bitch again.”
“Oh you already called me a bitch twice yesterday, I thought this was already established.” He smirked, this was all a game to him. He reached into his pocket, getting out his card and handing it out to you. You took it, his name and number were on it. When you looked back up at him, he winked.
“If that pretty mouth of yours ever get you in trouble, call me.” You were just about to respond when Harold Harold reappeared, noticing Gator and sighting.
“You’re still here ?” He looked offended.
“Harold.” He rose a hand to his chest again. “You make it sound like I'm unemployed.” Harold pointed towards the door.
“Out.”
“I’m supporting local business.”
“You didn’t buy anything. And people don’t come in if there’s a Tillman somewhere near.” He smirked again, as if he was proud, and looked straight at you.
“You see how I'm treated ?” You didn’t even look up, just shaking your head and pocketing his card. His grin widened when he noticed, and he titled his head towards both of you before turning around. A very small part of you was beginning to find all of this entertaining.
The bell above the door jingled one final time as Gator finally opened the door. The deputy walked backward through the doorway, pointing dramatically at both of you. “I’ll remember this.”
“Good.” Harold pointed toward the street. “Keep walking.” The door closed and the bookstore fell quiet again. Then Harold sighed, the kind of sigh that suggested he'd been dealing with Gator Tillman for years, which, you supposed, he had. You glanced up from the stack of books in front of you.
“He’s always like that ?” Harold laughed.
“Unfortunately.” You smiled despite yourself.
“That’s concerning.” The old man shook his head then looked toward the front window, watching Gator's cruiser disappear down the street.
“That’s Roy Tillman's boy.” The name meant nothing to you, at least not yet.
“Okay.” Harold didn't answer immediately, instead he adjusted a few books on a nearby shelf, choosing his words.
“Just be careful around that family.” You looked up as something in his voice changed slightly.
“What family ?”
“The Tillmans. His family.” You frowned.
“Why ?” Harold hesitated, that made you nervous because he never hesitated. He spent most of the day talking constantly.
“They’ve been around here a long time, own a lot of land. They have a lot of influence.” You leaned against the counter.
“What does that mean ?” Harold snorted.
“It means if Roy Tillman wants something done, it usually gets done. People around here have mixed opinions about Roy.” That sounded suspiciously diplomatic.
“You don't seem to like him.”
“No.” The answer came immediately, no hesitation this time. That was interesting. Harold glanced towards the front windows again, making sure nobody was nearby. “He’s the county sheriff. Gator is his son unfortunately. He’s a cocky bastard, thinking his daddy is king of the world.” The old man looked genuinely disappointed about it, so you laughed.
“Harsh.”
“It’s true. Gator's a good kid, mostly. But Roy…” Harold shook his head like he didn't even know where to start. The gesture made you curious.
“What about him ?” He stared at the shelves for a moment, thinking.
“You ever meet somebody who thinks they're the smartest person in every room ?” Yeah, you surely have, so you nodded. “Now imagine they also have power.” He paused. “And money. And nobody ever tells them no.”
“What kind of power ?”
“The kind that makes people nervous.” That answer wasn't nearly specific enough.
“You make him sound dangerous.” He didn’t respond, just smiled faintly at you before turning back towards a stack of books.
“What about Gator ?” The question even surprised you. Harold chuckled then leaned forward on the counter.
“Gator’s complicated. Always has been. He tries real hard to be his father. Problem is…” He shrugged. “I don't think he's very good at it. Just … be careful yeah ?”
“Of Roy ?” The old man thought about it.
“Of all of them really.”
The next few days passed in a blur, same thing everyday. Wake up, go to work, listen to Harold gossip, go home, sleep and repeat. It was strange how quickly a routine could form, and stranger how quickly Stark County started feeling normal.
The bookstore opened at nine and closed at six. Harold spent most days alternating between selling books and informing you about everybody else's business. You'd learned who was cheating on who, who owed money, who was feuding over fences, who got arrested in the eighties. Life moved slowly here, and somehow, you hadn't seen Gator once. Not a single time, no patrol car, no terrible joke, nothing.
At first you'd been relieved, then confused. Maybe he'd gotten bored ? Maybe the game he'd been playing with you had stopped being entertaining ? You told yourself you didn't care, but you were lying.
Tonight the bookstore closed late. By the time you locked the front door behind you, darkness had already swallowed the town. Streetlights reflected off fresh snow and the cold immediately made your nose hurt. North Dakota remained determined to kill you. You shoved your hands into your pockets and started the walk home.
The streets were mostly empty until you reached your apartment building. Then you noticed the truck, dark gray, parked across the street with the engine running. Your stomach tightened. The driver was still inside.
You couldn't make out his face, couldn’t see much of anything through the windshield, just enough to know he was watching the building. The thought made your pulse jump. No, stop, you were being paranoid. You'd spent months looking over your shoulder, months waiting for bad things to happen, you couldn't keep doing that forever.
You found yourself walking faster, keys already in your hand. You practically jogged up the stairs, unlocked the apartment, slipped inside and locked it again immediately. Deadbolt, chain, everything. Only then did you finally breathe.
A few minutes later you peeked through the blinds. The truck wasn’t there anymore. You let out a slow breath. See ? Paranoid, that’s all. Probably some guy waiting for a friend or checking directions, or literally anything else.
Not everything was about you. You repeated that to yourself several times.
The apartment felt especially empty tonight, and you were feeling really lonely. You made dinner, ate half of it, turned on the television, but nothing held your attention. Eventually you wandered over to the kitchen counter, your eyes landed on a business card, Gator’s business card. You stared at it before rolling your eyes. No, you weren't doing that.
Five seconds later you were holding your phone, number already saved. That was embarrassing but you refused to think about it. Your thumbs hovered over the keyboard.
You still terrorizing innocent civilians or did Stark County finally get a restraining order ?
You hit send and immediately regretted it. Three minutes passed until your phone buzzed.
Gator : who is this ?
You stared, offended.
Wow. Rude.
Three dots appeared almost instantly.
Gator : oh
Gator : bookstore girl
You rolled your eyes.
I have a name.
The response arrived so quickly it almost felt like he'd been waiting with the phone in his hand.
Gator : do u ?
You laughed despite yourself.
Haven’t seen you in a few days. Thought you got bored of bothering me.
A longer pause this time.
Gator : nah. just been busy. miss me that much ?
Your eyes narrowed.
You’re delusional
The conversation somehow continued for almost an hour, mostly sarcasm, insults and yet, you didn’t stop responding. And neither did he.
Gator : u working tomorrow ?
You frowned before answering.
No. Why ?
Gator : good bc somebody gotta show u something besides ur apartment and the bookstore
You stared at the text for a few minutes without replying. Eventually, he texted again.
Gator : u moved all the way to ND might as well see it
You couldn't help smiling.
Is this your version of being nice ?
Three dots appeared immediately.
Gator : dont tell anybody. got a reputation
A laugh escaped before you could stop it. He double texted again.
Gator : ten tomorrow ill pick u up
You stared at the message, thinking longer than you should have.
Okay.
Gator : night katie
Gator : try not to run away when u see me tomorrow
You winced, this sentence landed wrong inside you, and for a few seconds you wondered if he knew about your story, but he just couldn’t. He surely was talking about the fact that you tried to hide from him this time on the street. You set your phone down, hoping tomorrow won’t be as lonely.
“Nothing hurts like you do, like the way you say I love you”
Not having the best of luck in real life with women. Gator finds a girl on tumblr, for a year anonymous messages are exchanged that go from friendly to spicy. He thinks he’s found his dream girl…. Soon he starts to realize the similarities she has with his best friend’s sister Amma.
Warnings: MDNI, NSFW, SMUT! (Just suggestive!), VIOLENCE!, TALKS OF SELF HARM, ATTEMPTED SA!, DRUG USE, MENTIONS OF ABORTION!, FORCED PREGNANCY!, MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS!, SUICIDE! (READER BE WARNED!), ROY TILLMAN (he’s a warning ‼️)
WC: 6.2k
Authors note: hey so you like read the warnings right? 💀 so LISTEN this whole chapter takes place in the past with Gemma. And a bit of Roy’s pov as well. If you’re here for the plot I urge you to read this chapter it’s important to the plot I swear. Read for the plot! The knuckle velvet demon kept me up late at night with this one. That thing lives under my bed and only eats hot Cheetos and drinks whiskey. Anyways if any of these topics in the warnings make you uncomfortable please skip this chapter. Always take care of yourself first! And for anyone struggling please remember suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, please reach out to someone anyone! Reach out to me! Call a hotline! You are never alone! I love you! ❤️
P.S. thank you for all the likes, reblogs and comments and asking to join the Taglist ALWAYS appreciated but NEVER expected. 💕
Masterlist
Part six: Gemma
1988
“When you see her, say a prayer and kiss your heart goodbye! She's trouble! In a word, get closer to the fire! Run faster! Her laughter burns you up inside!” Gemma sang into her hairbrush as she got ready for school. “You’re spinning round and round! You can’t get up! You try but you can’t!”
Getting distracted when the song came on the radio. She continued singing spinning around in her room.
“¿Quién es esa niña? Who's that girl?” She sang loudly, pointing to herself in the mirror.
It was the last day of high school summer before senior year and she knew it was gonna be life changing.
“Gemma come on! You’re gonna be late!” Her mother Shirley shouted from the other side of her bedroom door.
“I’m comin’ mama!” She shouted back as she put her hair up in a low ponytail.
She walked out of her room and making her way into the kitchen. Her dad Willard sitting at the table reading the newspaper, drinking coffee. Shirley was finishing grading a few papers sitting next to him.
“Hey.” Willard looked up from his newspaper smiling at her. “Last day of school. Then you’re a senior.”
Gemma smiled brightly.
“I know.”
“You want a ride?” Willard asked getting up from the table putting his state troopers hat on.
“No it’s okay I’ll skate there.” She shook her head, before kissing both of her parents on the cheeks. “Love ya!”
She put on her roller blades making her way through town. That Madonna song still stuck in her head as she hummed along to it. As she cut a sharp corner coming out of an alley way, she collided into someone.
“Ahh!” Gemma screamed.
Her and the unknown dark haired man fell together. He wrapped his arms around her letting her fall on top of him. He let out an “oof” sound as he hit the ground.
“Oh my god I’m so sorry! Are you okay!?” Gemma practically cried as she sat up climbing off the man.
It was then she noticed his sheriffs deputy uniform. Oh crap.
“It’s fine.” He shook his head getting up. “My daddy said the first day on the job is usually the toughest.”
They both seemed to notice the other one now. As they stood shoulder length apart. He had a deputy’s baseball cap on, but she could see his slightly curly dark hair. Peaking out from the cap. He had a tight jaw line and muscular arms. And gorgeous green eyes. She couldn’t help but to stare. He was the most handsome man she’s ever seen.
“I’m Roy.” He said reaching his hand out to her. “Roy Tillman.”
“I’m Gemma Davis.” She smiled softly, shaking his hand.
She swears her hand felt electric when they touched.
“Nice to meet you.”
“You too.” She couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot.
It was then she realized they were still shaking hands. She pulled away a little embarrassed.
“Well.. I should really get going I’m gonna be late.” She laughed nervously.
“I’ll see you around Gemma.” His green eyes just drinking her in still.
“You too Roy.”
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
Gemma thought about Roy all day at school. She couldn’t get him out of her head. She’s seen him around town before but never spoke to him, until now. His voice, his rough hands, his green eyes. Gemma even wrote his name down a few times on her journal, mindlessly during her last class of the day.
“Hey Gemma.” A voice broke her away from her thoughts of Roy.
She looked up to see James Owens. He was a grade ahead of her. But they shared a couple of classes.
“Hey James.” She smiled.
“I was wondering if you’re doin’ anything tonight.” He asked placing his hand flat on her desk.
“Yeah I’m volunteering at the church summer jamboree tonight.”
“Oh… yeah that’s nice.” He looked down disappointed. “Well…. Maybe another time?” He asked hopeful.
Gemma didn’t like lying but what’s one white lie gonna do. She knew James had joined the military and was about to leave in a month. She could always be volunteering somewhere for the next month.
“Yeah, definitely.” She nodded her head.
“Okay great.” He perked up.
She really did feel bad getting his hopes up. But Gemma knew her mind was only on one man and that was Roy Tillman.
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
The summer jamboree was in full swing. The church went all out this year. A handful of carnival games with fun prizes. A petting zoo, face painting. Some small rides for kids. Gemma was working at the lemonade stand. As she was helping person after person. Getting lost in a sea of endless smiling faces, then she saw the face she’d been thinking about all day.
“Hey.” He smiled at her softly.
Roy was out of his deputy’s uniform. Wearing a jean jacket with a white shirt and blue jeans. With a blue baseball cap. He looked good.
“Hi.” She smiled back at him sheepishly. “What can I get you?”
“I’ll take one lemonade.” He said as he pulled out his wallet handing her the money.
Their finger tips brushing so lightly, yet it was enough to send tingles through Gemma’s body.
“Keep the change.” He added.
“Thanks.”
Gemma made his lemonade, she could feel his eyes on her as she had her back to him. When she turned around, he was still looking at her. She couldn’t help the big grin on her face. As she handed him the drink.
“Hey you doin’ anything after this?” Roy asked causally.
“No I’m not.” She shook her head.
A couple of hours later Gemma was in Roy’s truck. They were parked on his family’s ranch behind a barn. Roy insisted no one’s going to bother them. Gemma was a little nervous because she’s never been out with a guy before. Then again no guy caught her attention the way Roy did.
“Are you gonna feel weird if I tell you I couldn’t get you out of my head today?” Roy said.
“No.” She shook her head a smile moving across her lips.
“Good. Because I couldn’t get you out of my head all day.”
He moved closer to her in the truck cupping her face and then kissing her. It was Gemma’s first kiss. And it felt perfect. They talked for hours that night, losing track of time. Between kisses. Gemma ended up missing her curfew. When she did come home her dad and mom were waiting for her in the living room.
“Gemma do you have any idea what time it is?” Willard asked hands on his hips.
“I’m sorry…” she said sheepishly.
“Who was that you were with?” Shirley asked.
“It was… Roy Tillman.”
Gemma hoped maybe since Roy was a cop maybe they wouldn’t be as upset. She saw the way her dad’s eyes widened in shock.
“Roy Tillman? He is way too old for you.” Willard shook his head.
“We’re only three years apart.” Gemma pointed out.
“Yeah but you’re seventeen and he’s twenty… there’s a big difference between you two in life stages.” Willard’s voice stern. “We don’t want you seeing him again.”
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
For almost three weeks Gemma had been seeing Roy in secret. When they would see one another around town they would pretend to not know each other, just two strangers walking past each other. But when night came around and her parents were fast asleep. Gemma would sneak out her back door. And go down the street to where Roy’s truck was parked. He’d usually just drive them back to his family’s ranch house, tonight was no different. Only this time he took Gemma into his family home.
They were sitting on the foot of his bed together. She felt a little nervous the way Roy was watching her. His eyes looked hungry. Like maybe he wanted more than a kiss tonight. And he did. They started out innocent enough, just kissing and then hands started to wander.
“Roy I’ve never really…” Gemma bit her lip nervously.
“Me either.” He admitted.
For some reason Roy saying he’s never been with anyone either eased her nerves. They continued to kiss and let their hands wander. Eventually it turned into something more, clothes were gone. And they were under the covers together. Doing things neither of them had done before but they figured it out. Gemma thought for the longest time, she would wait till she was married to have sex. But with Roy that didn’t matter to her anymore. There was a part of her that was sure they were going to get married anyways.
“I love you Gemma.” Roy said as they were cuddling naked, tangled up in his bed sheets.
Gemma propped her head up on his chest.
“I love you Roy.”
They shared a kiss. Everything about that night felt perfect. Until Roy took Gemma home. He parked his truck in his usual spot a couple blocks from her house. It was raining in the early morning. As they kissed goodbye in Roy’s truck. His driver side door swung open. Willard grabbed Roy out of his truck. He threw Roy on the ground and started hitting him. Gemma screamed for her dad to stop as she jumped out of the truck. Willard grabbed Roy up by his collar.
“I told you to stay the fuck away from her.” Willard gritted through his teeth.
He let go of Roy letting him drop to the road. Gemma was horrified at what she saw. Roy with a busted lip and a bloody nose. She didn’t even care that she was completely soaked in the rain. She just stood there in shock.
“Gemma let’s go!” Willard shouted.
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
The rest of the summer Gemma was on lock down. She wasn’t allowed to leave the house unless it was with an adult. Lights out after nine. She could still do her volunteer work for church but her mother always joined her. Gemma hated it. She felt like a prisoner. And ever since the night her dad beat up Roy. She hasn’t seen Roy and that was the worst part for her. She swears it’s making her sick. At least that’s what she thought until she went to the doctor for her yearly physical, before school starts.
Her doctor came into the room with the most sympathetic look. He told her she was about eight weeks along. Gemma just sat in shock unsure what to think. He handed her some pamphlets on resources to help. But she just left them in the room. Not wanting her mother to see them.
For three days Gemma wasn’t sure what to do. All she could think was she was going to be a mom. And she wanted to tell Roy. The first day of school Gemma ditched after lunch. And roller bladed around town looking for Roy. She ended up finding him sitting in his car behind the local diner. He looked surprised to see her and a little nervous.
“I really need to talk to you.” She said.
He let out a long sigh, before he nodded his head and let her get into the passenger seat of his squad car. She felt her mouth go a little dry before she spoke again. But she forced the words out.
“I’m pregnant.”
Roy looked frozen like a statue. Almost as if he didn’t hear her. Gemma looked at him with furrowed brows.
“Did you hear me?” She asked.
“I heard you.” He answered firm. “I’m guessing you want money?”
“What?” She said dumbfounded. “Money for what?”
“You know so you can…” He motioned with his hands. “Take care of it.”
Gemma just blinked at him.
“Take care of it?”
“Yeah take care of it. You think anyone wants to see some bastard child running around here?” His tone shifting to anger.
Gemma had never seen Roy act like this, she really didn’t know what to say to him.
“Here.” He pulled out his wallet grabbing her hand and putting about three hundred bucks in her hand. “If you need anymore just tell me. Other than that. Stay the fuck away from me.”
Gemma felt like her heart shattered into a million pieces. She had thought about Roy all summer and now she’s starting to think maybe she was only seeing him with rose tinted glasses.
Later that night Gemma cried quietly in her room. Abortion wasn’t legal in North Dakota, she would have to make a drive to Montana. But she knew she would need help. She went to the one person she knew she could trust. Her grandma Rose. Gemma showed up on her door step the next morning in tears crying, telling her grandma Rose she needed help.
“Gemma don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll tell everyone we’re visiting an old girlfriend of mine. We can stay at a nice hotel and get room service. I promise it’ll be okay.” Her grandma Rose assured.
And it was okay, they made the drive to a clinic in Montana. The worst part for Gemma was when they made her listen to the babies heart beat. Why remind her of the life she’ll never get to meet? The life she created with Roy was never going to happen. She started to believe he never loved her. If he did wouldn’t he be the one holding her hand right now, instead of her grandma Rose? Gemma thought at least she had Rose.
They sat together in bed that night at the hotel surrounded by food and watched “some like it hot” playing on tv. They laughed together and Gemma didn’t feel too bad anymore. Rose always knew how to make Gemma feel better. She felt like her grandma was the only person that understood her. So when her grandmother died a month later from a massive stroke. It crumbled Gemma’s world.
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
Gemma is sure she’s not real anymore; for a while now she just feels like no one really sees her. It’d been a few months since her grandma Rose died and since her abortion. She was outside in her backyard laying in the snow. She had fallen coming out to get a shovel to clear the driveway, like her dad asked her too, before he left for work. Now she just let the cold snow move over her body. As she snuck into the snow more. It’s strange to her how the sun was out giving her face some warmth, yet the snow stayed frozen no signs of melting. That’s how Gemma felt. Warmth on the outside, yet still ice cold. It doesn’t make sense. Like how she doesn’t make sense anymore.
As she stared up at the sky she wondered if God could ever forgive her for what she’s done. Probably not. She strayed from the path of faith. No matter how much she prayed for forgiveness, it never came. She closed her eyes hoping maybe she would freeze to death before anyone noticed her. Then the sounds of feet crunching snow coming closer to her. Then a shadow casting over her.
“Gemma? Are you okay?”
She opened her eyes, letting her vision come back. She saw James standing above her. From the way he was standing with the sun behind him, it looked like he had a halo over his head.
“James?” She tilted her head.
“Yeah hey…” he eyed her concerned. “What are you doing?”
“I just thought… I’d lay here a while.”
“You’re gonna get frost bite come on.” He reached his hand out to her.
After a beat she took his hand.
“What are you doing here?” She asked as she brushed the snow off her pants.
“Well I’m home for the holidays and I thought I’d come see you.”
“Me?” She said surprised.
“Yeah… I was hoping I could take you out on that date?”
“Okay. Yeah sure.” She shrugged.
Gemma had been so lonely the last few months and here was James offering her company and even just noticing her, unlike everyone else. It was nice. She liked being seen, even if it’s not exactly the person she wants seeing her. No matter how hard she tried in the back of her mind Roy was still there. But James made her forget about Roy at least for a while. Until she saw him again.
Gemma went on a date with James to see the Christmas tree in front of the mayors office be lit up. It was their third date so far. As they stood in the cold with the crowd. Gemma turned her head to see Roy standing off to the side of the Christmas tree. He was with a woman Gemma knew from bible study. Her name was Linda. Roy had his arm around her and then he pulled her in to kiss her forehead. Linda laughed at something he said. Gemma felt like her heart just stopped, like as if someone took a block of ice and put it inside her chest. Then as if things couldn’t get any worse.
“Hey Roy!” James called out.
She felt James grab her hand and drag her over to where Roy and Linda were.
“Hey James.” Roy smiled reaching his hand out to James. “Glad to see you home.”
“Thanks glad to be back.” He said before glancing at Gemma with a sly smile. “Sorry this is Gemma you probably recognize her from church.”
They both nodded. Gemma felt like she was in a nightmare, not knowing what to say.
“Gemma, Roy’s an old friend of mine I’ve worked on his family’s ranch since I was probably twelve? And Linda is his wonderful girlfriend.” James continued.
She already thought she had the worst day of her life but right now. This has to be the worst day of her life. If James said anything else Gemma didn’t hear it. She also didn’t notice the way Roy was looking at her in that moment. As if maybe he still cared about her. Gemma realized James had stopped talking she’s not sure for how long. But long enough that everyone seemed to be looking at her.
“Yeah it’s nice to meet y’all formally.” She smiled tight lipped.
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
“I’ll be back before you know it.” James assured her as he stood at the bus stop.
“Write me okay?” Gemma said as she gave James a big hug and a quick kiss.
They had been dating for a little over a month. Gemma was sure James was someone she thought, she could learn to love. He was a good distraction to move on from Roy. Even though sometimes she had to be around Roy. With him and James being friends. It somewhat had gotten easier for Gemma. Roy seemed like he moved on just fine with Linda.
As she pulled away from James, Roy came walking up in his deputy uniform. Gemma refrained but she really wanted to roll her eyes. Why did Roy have to show up and ruin the moment?
“Hey James, I was just patrolling and saw you guys. Wanted to say goodbye again.”
“Thanks man I appreciate it.” James smiled as him and Roy shook hands. “Hey you keep an eye out on my girl alright?”
“Of course.” Roy nodded his head, before looking at Gemma.
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
Two days later was the Valentines dance at school. Gemma had volunteered to work the ticket stand. As she sat there smiling at everyone welcoming them in. Roy showed up. She felt her smile somewhat drop.
“What are you doin’ here?” Gemma asked eyeing him.
“You know just keeping an eye out on things.” He shrugged.
Gemma hated that he was here.
“Okay then.” She nodded her head, hoping the lack of conversation she was giving him would make him leave.
“So how have you been?” he asked.
Gemma doesn’t know why, but that just made her snap a little.
“I’m sorry do you need something?” Her tone sharp.
She could see the hurt on his face, before he just shook his head. He walked away from her without speaking again. Gemma composed herself again, as she saw people walking to the ticket stand. Smiling and welcoming them in. She couldn’t help but to glance in Roy’s direction as he walked away. She wanted to hate him so much, but she still loved him. Even after what he did.
After the dance she was walking out to her mother’s car she borrowed for tonight. That was the best part about dating James, her parents started trusting her again. Gemma wanted things to go back to normal. If she was being honest, she wanted to take back ever meeting Roy.
“Hey Gemma!”
She turned around to see Rick a guy from her English class, running up to her carrying her purple scarf in hand.
“Oh thank you.” She said taking it from him.
“Yeah no problem.”
Gemma doesn’t know why but she just didn’t like the way Rick was looking at her.
“Well thanks.” She smiled again turning back to unlock the car.
“Hey you wanna go somewhere?” He asked.
“No thanks. I really have to get home.” She shook her head as she opened the car door.
The look in his eyes made Gemma think this must be what prey feels like standing in front of a rattle snake before it attacks. You know the bites coming from the sound of the rattling. Rick invaded her space putting his hand on her door. Gemma felt as if ice was creeping up her spine. She looked around and the parking lot was deserted. She stood frozen as Rick brushed a piece of hair out of her face.
“You’re really pretty you know that.” Rick murmured.
“Uh thanks.” Gemma said awkwardly. “I really have to go home.”
She tried getting in the car and closing the door but Rick wouldn’t let her.
“Come on Gemma let me take you out.” Rick begged.
“And I said no!” Gemma snapped.
Just then a flash light hitting both of them. Roy in his squad car pulled up next to them.
“Everything good here?” Roy asked eyeing both of them.
“Yeah all good officer.” Rick nodded as he backed away from Gemma.
Gemma felt grateful for Roy. She didn’t know what would have happened if he didn’t show up. Once Rick had left. Roy just nodded his head to Gemma.
“Get home safe.” He said before he took off.
The following Monday at school Rick had shown up with black and blue face. She didn’t know for sure. But she had a feeling Roy had something to do with that. In the coming months her and Roy wouldn’t talk again. Not until James came home the following summer.
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
After graduation Gemma had so many plans for herself, she was already ahead in college starting nursing school in June taking a couple of classes early. She had plans to go to Spain in December. Gemma felt like her life was finally starting and she wasn’t going to be stuck in this town forever like some people.
It was the fourth of July weekend and James’s family was hosting a cookout at their family home. Everyone was there, including Roy and his girlfriend Linda. With so much time passing by, Gemma didn’t mind seeing them together. It still hurt to see them but just not as bad. Especially when James had his arm wrapped around her. Everything about the cookout was great.
As the night ended James walked Gemma to her car. Kissing her goodnight. She couldn’t help but to notice Roy watching them when she opened her eyes. She closed her eyes continuing to kiss him. When they broke away she saw Roy was gone.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” James said.
Gemma looked at him putting on her best smile.
“Yeah tomorrow.”
On her drive home Gemma ended up with a flat tire.
“This has got to be a joke.” Gemma said looking up to the sky talking to God.
She was far from James’s home and her home. She sighed walking and sitting on her trunk debating what to do. Just as she was thinking a car approached. Gemma immediately recognized the truck as Roy’s. He rolled down his window.
“Need a ride?” He asked.
Gemma reluctantly accepted his offer. The drive to her house was quiet. She kept her arms crossed and looked out the window. When they got back to her house. Gemma thanked him.
“Where are your parents?” He asked.
“They went on a cruise.” Gemma shrugged.
“Can I come inside?”
Gemma blinked at him.
“Why?”
“I just want to talk to you about something.” His voice a little nervous.
Against her better judgment Gemma let him come inside. They stood in her living room awkwardly.
“So what did you want to talk about?”
Gemma couldn’t place his face right now.
“I just wanted to tell you I was an asshole to you. And I’m sorry.” His voice sincere.
She wished she could have heard these words sooner.
“Yeah okay. Thanks.” She nodded her head.
“If I could take it all back I would.”
“Why are you saying this to me? What is this Roy?” Gemma looked at him confused. “What do you want?”
Roy moved close to her cupping her face.
“I just… I miss you and I need you to know how sorry I am. I never wanted to hurt you.” The sadness in his tone dripping out, hitting Gemma in her soul.
“Please stop saying that.” Gemma shook her head. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do I mean it.” Roy promised as he rested his forehead against Gemma’s. “I’m sorry.”
Then he kissed her, without hesitating she kissed him back. They fell into a familiar rhythm, clothes being discarded as they got on the couch together. Just before they had sex Gemma said something that stopped Roy in his tracks.
“I love you.” She breathed out.
Roy looked at her surprised, then he looked away like he was disappointed. He got off of her getting his clothes back on. Gemma grabbed a blanket that was draped over the couch covering herself. He looked like he might say something. But then he just walked out. Leaving her alone. Breaking her heart all over again.
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
Just when Gemma thought her life was going to get better she found out she was pregnant. Right before starting her fall classes. She wanted an abortion. James disagreed.
“James I want to be older before having kids.” Gemma said as they argued in his truck.
“That is my baby you are pregnant with!” He snapped. “And if you kill our baby I will never forgive you! I will tell everyone what you did!”
Gemma knew her parents were against abortion. Practically everyone in the town was. And if they were for it, you kept that to yourself. It would ruin her life. So against her own good. She went through with the pregnancy, she dropped out of college, she married James and moved in with his family.
For a few years Gemma just felt numb to things. She put on a smile as the happy wife but she wasn’t happy. Time dragged on, as she watched the man she loved sit with his wife and their son. While she sat holding her son James jr. as his father gave his sermon at church. After James had left the military he told Gemma. He wanted to be a preacher felt like it was his calling. She just went along with what he wanted. Gemma had sort of just given up on life. She just didn’t see the point.
Being pregnant with her son James was awful, she experienced morning sickness through every stage. She had such bad back pain, she couldn’t get any sleep for the last two months of her pregnancy. And then when she had James she had postpartum depression. It got so bad she dreamed about killing James. Putting him in a dryer, the oven, throwing him out the window. She would never do those things. But the dreams horrified her. She begged her mother to not leave her alone with James jr. Once she got the right medication she started to feel better. But it would take another year before she felt any maternal instincts. When she did bond with James, she did feel a little happy again. She started remembering life was worth living for.
She wanted to leave James and she almost did. Then James’s parents died in a car accident, a drunk driver in the wrong lane hitting them head on. Gemma felt too guilty to leave James when he was so broken. Her parents moved in to help out.
Then she found out she was pregnant again. Gemma couldn’t understand how she was pregnant. She took her birth control everyday on the dot. She knows she can’t prove it. But she swears James did something to her pills. He had been talking about how he wanted more kids. Gemma told him she wanted to wait. At least until James was five. But she could tell he didn’t like that answer not at all.
Now here she is sitting on the front porch seven months pregnant with her daughter. When Gemma found out she was having a girl, she felt sad. What if her daughter ends up like her? Pretending she’s happy when really she’s miserable. That’s not a life for anyone. But what if her daughter ended up happy? Somehow that made Gemma angry, why does she get to be happy? Gemma knew it was wrong of her to think that way. No mother should ever hate her child. It’s not the kids fault. It’s Gemma’s for making these choices. She knew something had to give. Because she doesn’t want to be here anymore. She doesn’t want to be anywhere. As she sat outside her mother Shirley came out sitting next to her.
“Hey sweetheart how you feelin’?” She asked.
“Like shit.” Gemma answered honestly.
“Oh I’m sorry, you want a ginger ale?”
“It won’t help.” She answered pointedly. “Nothing will help.”
Shirley grabbed her hand.
“Hey sweetie it’ll be alright you’re due in two months—“
“It doesn’t matter.” Gemma shrugged her off. “I’m not okay mom.”
“Gemma look it’s just the hormones getting to you, you’re okay.” Shirley reassured her.
Gemma just shook her head.
“You’re not listening to me.”
“Baby I’m listening to you trust me I get it.” She let out a breathless laugh.
She turned to her mom, all Gemma could think was you have no idea what I’ve been through.
“No you really don’t.” Gemma got up from her chair going back inside.
Later that night Gemma’s mind was made up. She got up, making her way into her son’s room. He was sleeping peacefully in his crib. Gemma brushed her fingers over his red hair.
“I love you.” She whispered. “And happy birthday.”
Then she grabbed her keys, put on her house slippers. And drove to the Tillman ranch. She stopped at the end of the long driveway walking to the mailbox and putting her letter she wrote to Roy inside.
Gemma started driving to her destination, she rubbed her stomach looking down at her daughter.
“Soon this will all be over.” She promised.
Gemma knew this was the right thing, the world was too cruel for her and it was too cruel for her daughter. No more pain for her or her daughter. They would be free.
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
Twenty minutes later Roy found Gemma’s car submerged in a pond at the local park. At six in the morning. He called it in on the radio. He didn’t hesitate jumping in the pond. Breaking her window and pulling her out of the water. Dragging her back on land. Performing CPR on her.
“Come on Gemma! Come on Gemma! Don’t do this!” He begged continuing pumping her chest. “Gemma please! Come on please! Come on!”
But he was too late. Somehow by a miracle her daughter was saved. Born a little too early but she was alive and expected to be okay.
When he had gotten up that morning, his wife Linda had spilled coffee on the table ruining his pants.
“Damn it Linda!”
Roy swears if he wouldn’t have been running behind that morning because he had to change pants, then maybe things would be different. He would have found Gemma’s letter sooner. Maybe he could have saved her. He wouldn’t be at her funeral right now. There’s a lot of things he wished he did different, as he dropped the flower on her casket after they lowered her down.
He loved Gemma. He loved her the moment she crashed into him. That fateful morning. Roy realized he should have just killed her dad. Willard threatened Roy with a gun to his head to stay away from Gemma. And this was before Willard caught them in his truck together. But at the time he thought Gemma wouldn’t want that. She was an angel that was too damn good for this world. So he tried to let her go. And that was the hardest thing to do. He regrets telling her to get an abortion so much. But at the time he thought he was protecting both of them. Her father would have had him arrested for statutory rape. If he could go back and change it he would.
But this was one thing Roy couldn’t fix. The night of her funeral he went back to her grave alone. He dropped down on his knees crying.
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry.” He dropped down on his stomach digging his hands into the fresh dirt on her grave. “Please forgive me.”
He wished he could be down there with her. Roy promised Gemma at her grave that night he would always look out for her son and her daughter. He knows he owes her that. As he sat at her grave, someone caught his eye. He turned his head, maybe he was going crazy but he could see Gemma standing off in the woods wearing a long white dress.
When he stood up and tried to go to her. She walked off disappearing. Over the years he would always see Gemma in that white dress watching him from a distance. He wasn’t sure what she wanted or if she was even real.
Linda left him when she found the letter Gemma had written him. He had hidden it in his desk in his office. She claimed to of found it while cleaning. Linda also gave the letter to James Senior. Roy could have killed that fucking bitch. But she was long gone by the time he figured out what she did.
James showed up at Roy’s ranch. And they had it out.
“Were you fucking my wife?!” James shouted as he held the letter in his hand.
“No!” Roy shouted back. “You don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“It sounds to me like my wife killed her self because of you!” James accused.
“Oh that’s bullshit! I loved Gemma! You’re the one that killed her!”
James punched Roy in the face. Roy fell to the ground. Touching his lip seeing the blood. He got right back up and hit James knocking him down, giving him a black eye. When James got up he looked at Roy, hurt and angry.
“Burn in hell Roy.” He spat before crumbling up the letter and throwing it to Roy’s feet and walking off.
Roy and James barely spoke after that. Both of them broken over the same woman. Who was never coming back. Their kids may be friends, their new wives might get along but they hated each other and they always would. Thirteen years later though James would come to Roy with a favor.
“I need to ask you a favor Roy.” James said as he stood at his front door late one night.
Roy had them step out on his front porch.
“What the hell do I even owe you for James?”
“You don’t, but you owe Gemma.” James’s voice even. “It’s about our daughter Amma.”
When James told Roy about his farm hand Rick putting his hands on Gemma’s daughter. He assured James, Rick would be dealt with. Watching Amma grow up over the years was pretty haunting for Roy. She looked just like her mother. The same hair, the same eyes, nose, ears, freckles, her voice. She was Gemma’s twin. It’s why Roy didn’t have any problem strangling Rick to death. He knew the only person he could trust to get rid of the body was his son Gator.
Roy loved Gator, just maybe not the way a father should. He loved that Gator was loyal to him no matter how shitty he treated him. He could see Gator wanted to be like him. But he could never be Roy. For a long time that disappointed him.
But now as he watched Gator kiss Amma goodbye on his front porch in the early mornings. He was glad Gator was nothing like him. Because he knew Gator would never hurt her. He would love Amma the way Roy couldn’t love Gemma.
☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️
Dear Roy,
I’m so sorry for what I’m about to do. But I can’t do this anymore. Watching you be with her. It kills me everyday. I know you love me I can see it when I catch you watching me at church. I wish things were different. I’ve needed you so bad. I’ve felt so alone all these years. But I understand we both made our choices. And I’ve definitely made mine. I will always love you. Please look after my son. Just do that one thing for me. Goodbye Roy.
Idc, normalize kink shaming. Cause y'all be using “don’t kink shame” and “it’s fiction” to excuse being into incest, pedophilia, cannibalism, etc. Like, be so fr, you ship a 14 year old with a 30 year, want to get railed by your dad and want to see two brothers f*ck each other. I don’t engage with things fictionally that I don’t like/wouldn’t want to do in real life. Yes, I’m judging you.
pairing: steve harrington x reader
summary: after a bad breakup, you start therapy to fix your intimacy issues. your new therapist, steve harrington, is younger than expected and far too way attractive. what starts as professional help slowly turns into something more complicated and probably forbidden.
wc: 8.9k
warnings: porn with plot, +18 (minors do not interact), explicit nsfw, therapist / client relationship, thigh riding, cheating mention, fingering, unprotected sex, oral sex (f receiving), creampie, dirty talk, female masturbation, semi-public if you squint, internal conflict, p in v, consensual sex, kinda forbidden sex, big dick steve.
author's note: hihiii sorry for not posting tysm for 490+ followers and ty ani for the idea & nic for the help. i have a lot of exams but i wanted to post this before locking in and coming back with all requests and fics <3 love yall
four years. that's how much time passed since the night marcus –your now ex– broke up with you.
the breakup with him didn’t happen because you were unavailable. it happened because he was a lying cheating piece of shit.
and the memory still lingered like a bruise that refused to fade completely.
you found out a random tuesday evening. a mutual friend posted a story on instagram: nothing dramatic, just a casual photo for a party the previous weekend. in the background, clear as day, you saw him with his tongue down another girl’s throat.
the same weekend he told you he was ‘’too tired to hang out’’ and needed ‘’space.’’
you confronted him the next night when you two went out to have dinner. you played your role perfectly; laughing at his jokes and leaning at the right moments.
you were good at faking. you always had been.
you wanted to talk about that, and when you did, he didn’t even try to lie.
‘’yeah. i slept with her. so what? you’re never really present anyway. you’re always halfway out the door emotionally.’’
you tried not to cry. not in public. not in such a luxurious restaurant. you were about to speak, but he interrupted you.
‘’maybe if you actually talked to me instead of acting like some mysterious untouchable girl… i wouldn’t have needed to find pleasure in someone else.’’
his words were cruel, but the betrayal burned deeper than the insult.
you had let him in more than most. you shared pieces of yourself you usually kept hidden. and he rewarded that vulnerability by cheating you and then blaming you for it.
that night you drove home in silence, your hands were gripping the steering wheel so tight your knuckles turned white. you didn’t cry until you took a shower.
the hot water was burning your skin as reality settled in: trusting someone backfired spectacularly.
after marcus, something inside you shifted.
you stopped believing that real intimacy could be safe.
every man who showed interest felt like a potential traitor. every sweet word sounded like manipulation waiting to happen. every touch made you wonder what that guy was hiding behind that smile.
you still went on dates. you still flirted effortlessly and still let men take you home and fuck you. but you never truly let them close.
the second things started feeling real –the second a conversation turned vulnerable, when sometime tried to stay the night and hold you, or even when a touch became too tender– you disconnected. you left your own body and watched everything from above.
years passed like this.
a string of shallow relationships that never lasted more than a few weeks. you became an expert at keeping people a comfortable distance while making them believe they were close.
but you never stayed. not emotionally at least.
your best friend watched this cycle repeat itself with growing worry and frustration. she was there the night you found out about him cheating. she held you while you cried angry tears. and she was tired of seeing her best friend never letting anyone in.
one afternoon, after you mentioned yet another guy who slowly ghosted you after a few dates, she sat you down on her couch with two glasses of wine and a look that said she wasn’t going to let you dodge the conversation this time.
‘’i love you more than anything in this world,’’ she started quietly. ‘’but i can’t keep watching you destroy any chance of real connection because of what he did to you four years ago. you deserve to feel something.’’
you tried to brush it off with some humor, but she wasn't having it.
‘’you need therapy,’’ she said. ‘’you’re so scared and that fear is costing you years of your life. just go to one session. if you hate it, i’ll never bring it up.’’
‘’i don’t need therapy,’’
‘’yes, you do. you think you’re fine because you can still flirt and get guys, but you’re not fine. you’re lonely when you’re with someone.’’
you let out a bitter laugh.
‘’i’m not scared. i’m smart. after what marcus did, why the hell would i let someone in again? so they cheat on me and then blame me for having trust issues? no, thanks.’’
‘’not every man is marcus. but you’ll never know that if you keep pushing everyone away before they even have a chance. you deserve to feel safe with someone. you deserve to be loved and not just desired.’’
you looked away.
‘’i’m handling it.’’ you repeated stubbornly.
‘’you’re not handling it,’’ your friend said softly. ‘’you’re surviving. there’s a difference.’’
she slid a small business card across the table toward you.
hawkins behavioral health.
you didn’t book the appointment right away.
for nearly three weeks, the small business card your best friend gave you sat in your kitchen like a quiet accusation. every time you went to drink water, you saw it. every night you came exhausted from work, it was still there.
at first, you ignored it completely.
you told yourself you didn’t need therapy. but the words felt thinner every time you repeated them.
you started researching the place anyway – mostly out of boredom, you convinced yourself. hawkins behavioral health had a clean website and good reviews.
but one name kept appearing with particularly strong feedback: dr. steve harrington.
you read review after review.
‘’he actually sees you. doesn’t just nod and write things down.’’
‘’first therapist who called me out on my bullshit in the kindest way possible.’’
‘’made me feel safe enough to be honest.’’
you closed the browser more than once, annoyed at yourself for even considering it.
then came the date with tyler. a guy you met.
it was supposed to be casual, just drinks at a nice bar. he was charming, successful, and funny.
on paper, he was perfect. in reality, he spent most of the night talking about himself.
when you finally opened up a little, he didn’t seem to care. but there was a specific comment that hurt.
‘’guys don’t want to deal with a bunch of emotional baggage, you know?’’
the comment stung more than it should have.
later that night, when he kissed you outside the bar and invited you back to his place, you went. but the entire time you felt hollow. you two didn’t even kiss there, just talked at night and he let you stay to sleep.
the next morning you drove home in silence. when you walked into the apartment, the little business card was still on the counter. you picked it up, turned it over in your hands for a long time, and finally sighed.
‘’fuck it,’’ you whispered.
you called hawkins behavior health that same afternoon and booked an appointment for the following thursday.
the day of your first session arrived faster than you expected.
you spent the entire morning convincing yourself you could still cancel. you changed outfits three times and almost turned the car around twice on the way there.
but somehow, you ended up walking through the front doors of the building.
the reception area was warm and comforting, with soft lightning and exposed brick walls. behind the desk stood a woman with short brown hair and energetic presence.
her name tag read: robin buckley – office coordinator.
she looked up and gave you a bright welcoming smile.
‘’hi! you must be the 4:30. first time with us?’’ you nodded, gripping the strap of your bag a little too tightly.
robin’s smile softened, sensing your nerves.
‘’totally normal to feel anxious. everyone is on their first visit.’’ she typed something on her computer. ‘’you’re here to see dr. harrington, right?’’
‘’yes.’’
‘’he’s really good,’’ she said kindly. ‘’a little young for a psychologist, but perceptive. something annoyingly so, but don’t tell him i told you that.’’ she gave you a playful wink. ‘’just be honest with him. he can candle the truth.’’
she printed some forms and handed them to you.
‘’fill these out and i’ll let him know you’re him. deep breath. you’ve got this.’’
ten minutes later, robin returned and led you down a quiet hallway lined with plants.
she stopped in front of a wooden door and gave you one last encouraging smile.
‘’dr. harrington? your 4:30 is here.’’
you took a deep breath and stepped inside.
the office was nothing like you had imagined. it didn’t feel clinical or cold. warm afternoon light poured through tall windows, bathing the room in a soft golden hue.
one wall was lined with tall bookshelves filled with psychology texts, novels, and a few personal items – like a small framed picture of a group of friends, and what looked like a tiny hawkins high keychain hanging from a shelf.
two comfortable deep armchairs faxed each other with a low wooden table between them. a box of tissues on the table and a long couch that looked untouched.
and he was rising from one of the armchairs. steve harrington.
he was younger than you expected even if robin told you before.
much younger. early twenties, if that.
he looked tall even if he was sitting, with messy brow hair that looked like he’d run his hand through it several times that day.
and he had warm hazel eyes. big hazel eyes you weren’t able to ignore.
he also wore a brown jacket over a button-up shirt.
steve looked more like a handsome graduate student than a licensed psychologist.
‘’hi,’’ he said with low warm voice. ‘’i’m steve harrington. you can call me steve if that makes you feel more comfortable. come in, please.”
he gestured toward the empty armchair across from him.
‘’sit however you’d like. there are no rules in this room.’’
you gave him a small smile and sat down, crossing your legs neatly and folding your hands in your lap. you studied him from a moment: the way he moved, the way he looked at you.
he was annoying attractive. too attractive to be doing this job.
steve sat down across from you, leaning forward slightly with his hands clasped loosely between his knees. he didn’t speak right away. he just looked at you –not staring, but truly paying attention– and it made your skin prickle.
‘’so,’’ he said gently after a few seconds, offering a small smile. ‘’what brings you here today?’’
you let out a soft breath and gave him a smile.
‘’well…. apparently i’m very good at making men want me, but terrible at actually letting them stay.’’ you titled your head a little, letting your gaze linger on his face for a second. ‘’my last boyfriend said i’m emotionally unavailable. among other things.’’
you finished with a light laugh, hoping it would steer the conversation into safer waters.
steve didn’t laugh with you.
he simply watched you with a calm and thoughtful expression.
after a moment, he talked.
“you started with a joke,” he noted gently. “and a compliment hidden inside it. you smiled while talking about something painful. that’s interesting.”
you raised an eyebrow, trying to keep your expression light.
“are you always this direct?”
“well… i’m noticing some things. you are trying to deflect,” he replied but not unkindly. “you’re very good at it. you use charm and humor to keep things from getting serious.”
you felt a flicker of irritation mixed with uncomfortably and nervousness.
“you’re very observant for someone so young,” you said, your tone was still light but with a subtle edge. “does that usually work for you? reading people before they even say anything?”
steve’s mouth twitched into the faintest hint of a smile.
but his eyes remained steady.
“you’re doing it again,” he said softly. “shifting the focus onto me and testing my reactions.” he paused, then added. “it’s okay. we don’t have to rush. this is your space.”
you sat back slightly, studying him.
he was good. too good.
and the fact that he was young somehow made it worse.
he shouldn’t be this perceptive.
he shouldn’t be able to see through you this easily.
steve waited patiently, giving you time. his presence was calm, steady, and strangely grounding.
those hazel eyes never left yours, but they weren’t intimidating either.
they were patient. kind. like he really had nowhere else he’d rather be.
“so,” he said again. “when you say you’re “terrible at letting people stay”… what does that feel like for you?”
you opened your mouth, ready to give another polished half-joking answer.
but for the first time in a long time, the words got stuck in your throat.
steve didn’t push. he simply waited, watching you with that calm gaze.
the silent stretched between you, not awkward, but heavy. for once, you didn’t know what to say. you didn’t have a clever line prepared. you didn’t have a flirty deflection ready.
after a long moment, you let out a slow breath and looked down at your hands.
‘’i don’t know how to… stay,’’ you admitted quietly. ‘’when things get real. when someone starts looking too closely. i just… leave. not physically. but emotionally. i go somewhere else in my head. i smile. i say the right things. but i’m not really there.’’
steve nodded slowly, his expression soft but attentive.
‘’that sounds lonely,’’ he said gently. ‘’being with someone but no really being with them.’’
you swallowed hard.
‘’it is,’’ you whispered. ‘’but it’s safer.
steve leaned forward sightly, resting his elbows on his knees.
‘’can you tell me more about that? when did you start feeling the need to protect yourself from the others like this?’’
you hesitated. the memories of your ex came rushing back – his cruel words, the way he blamed you for his own cheating, the humiliation of realizing you tried to be vulnerable with someone who never deserved it.
‘’four years ago,’’ you said, voice quieter now. ‘’i was with someone. i thought i was letting him in. i was trying and he cheated on me. then told me it was my fault and after that… it just felt easier to never let anyone close enough to hurt me again.’’
steve listened without interrupting. you liked that. and his eyes never left your face.
when you finished, he spoke carefully.
‘’so you learned that being vulnerable leads to pain. and now, even when you want connection, your mind and body protect you by disconnecting.’’
you looked up at him, surprised by how gently he said it.
‘’you’re very young to be this good at this,’’ you said, trying to regain some control with a teasing smile.
steve’s lip curved into a faint smile.
‘’and you’re deflecting again,’’ he replied softly, but there was no judgment in his tone. ‘’it’s okay. we’ll work on that. one step at a time.’’
he paused and then asked gently.
‘’when you’re with someone now… physically… what does that disconnection feel like in your body?’’
you shifted in your seat, feeling exposed under his attentive gaze. you hadn't expected him to go there so directly, yet so kindly.
‘’it feels like… im floating,’’ you admitted. ‘’like i can do everything right but i’m not really feeling anything. it’s like automatic.’’
steve nodded slowly, processing your words.
‘’and does that bother you?’’ he asked. ‘’or has it become normal?’’
you stayed silent for a long moment.
‘’.. it bothers me,’’ you finally whispered. ‘’but i don’t know how to stop doing it.’’
he gave you a small nod.
‘’that’s why you’re here,’’ he said gently. ‘’we’re going to figure that out together. no pressure. just honestly, at whatever pace you need.’’
for the rest of the session, steve listened carefully as you spoke. he didn’t interrupt. he didn’t judge.
he simply asked thoughtful questions and noticed things you hadn’t even realized about yourself; the way you joked when things got heavy, the way you crossed your arms when you felt vulnerable…
by the time the session ended, you felt strangely drained. but also lighter.
steve stood up when the hour was over and gave you a warm smile.
‘’you did really well today,’’ he said. ‘’i know it wasn’t easy. same time next week?’’
you nodded, feeling a strange mix of nervousness and relief.
as you left his office, you couldn’t stop thinking about how easily he had seen through every wall you tried to put up.
then the days after your first session passed in a strange haze.
you went back to your routine: work, nights with your best friend… but something felt different. lighter, maybe. or perhaps just more aware.
you tried dating again. not because you suddenly believed in love, but because you wanted to prove to yourself (and maybe to steve), that you could try.
his name was daniel. he was kind, funny and worked as a graphic designer.
he didn’t try too hard.
on your first date, you talked for almost three hours about music and movies. on the second, he kissed you goodnight outside your car.
you wanted this to work.
you returned for the second session. you spent the entire week thinking about steve’s words.
the way he looked at you. the way he actually listened. it was unsettling how much space he was taking up in your mind.
when you walked into his office and steve was already waiting, sitting in his usual chair. he wore a blue polo shirt that made his hazel eyes stand out even more.
the moment you entered, he gave you a warm smile that made your stomach tighten.
‘’hi,’’ he said. ‘’it’s good to see you again. come in, make yourself comfortable.’’
you sat down in the armchair across from him, crossing your legs and folding your hands in your lap. for a few seconds, you didn’t know where to begin.
steve waited patiently, as always – never rushing you, never filling the silence.
‘’i’ve been thinking about what we talked about last time,’’ you started quietly. ‘’and… i went out with this guy named daniel. a few times, actually.’’
steve nodded slowly, giving you his full attention.
‘’tell me about that,’’
you took a deep breath.
‘’he’s really kind. patient. he doesn’t pressure me. we talked for hours and he actually listens.’’ you paused, then added more softly. ‘’i wanted it to be different this time. i want to try going somewhere serious with him. not just casual.’’
steve listened, his eyes steady on you. when you finished, he spoke carefully.
‘’that’s a significant step – choosing to try something real with someone after being hurt. how did it feel for you?’’ you looked down at your hands.
‘’at the beginning it was okay. i felt present. but then i slipped away again.’’ you let out a small breath. ‘’i hate that i keep doing that.’’
steve was quiet for a moment, processing your words with care.
‘’what you’re describing is a very common trauma response,’’ he said gently. ‘’after being betrayed by someone you tried to trust, your nervous system learned that vulnerability equals danger. so when intimacy starts to feel real, your mind protects you by dissociating.’’
you looked up at him, surprised by how good he explained it. steve continued.
‘’the fact that you’re aware of it happening is already a progress. most people don’t even notice when they disconnect.’’
his words wrapped around you like a blanket. you felt your cheeks grow warm and you bit your lip.
‘’thank you,’’ you whispered. steve’s expression softened further.
he leaned forward slightly, resting his elbows on his knees.
‘’would you like to practice some grounding exercises? things you can use when you feel yourself starting to flow away?’’
you nodded. and for the next thirty minutes, steve guided you through several exercises with patience and care. his voice was incredibly calm and silky as he spoke.
he watched you practice, his eyes never leaving you.
‘’good,’’ he said when you did it correctly. ‘’that’s really good. you’re picking this up quickly.’’
every time he praised you, even subtly, you felt warmth spread through your chest. you found yourself feeling timid under his attention.
steve remembered details from your previous session and wove them in naturally.
‘’you mentioned last time that you tend to perform because you want others to feel good,’’ he looked at you. ‘’we can work on finding balance.’’
you felt exposed but safe. the way steve spoke made you feel truly seen.
when the session was nearing its end, steve looked at you.
‘’you did really well today,’’ he said softly. ‘’you were honest about something difficult. you let yourself be vulnerable.’’
his praise hit you deeply. you felt your face flush.
you left his office with warm cheeks and the confusing realization that your therapist’s gentle praise was starting to affect you far more than any touch from daniel ever had.
after that, you continued seeing daniel. the relationship –if it could even be called that yet– developed slowly and sweetly. he was consistent in a way that was almost foreign to you.
but every time the moment leaned toward something more intimate, you gently stopped him.
daniel was always understanding. he’d kiss your forehead and never made you feel guilty. and yet, every time you left his apartment, you felt a quiet frustration with yourself.
you wanted him fully. you wanted to be normal. but something inside you still head back.
in the other way, your therapy sessions with steve became the anchor of your week. you found yourself in that office. steve seemed to look better each time you saw him.
sometimes it was the way his hair fell across his forehead.
sometimes it was the soft sweaters that hugged his biceps and shoulders.
sometimes it was simply the way he looked at you.
the flirting on your part was subtle, almost unconscious. quiet and soft words while tucking your hair behind your ear.
steve never crossed any lines.
he remained perfectly professional. but his gaze would linger a second longer than necessary, and his voice would drop into that low silky tone when he praised you.
you told yourself it was nothing. he was just doing his job.
one afternoon, after a particularly long session, you met your best friend for a coffee. the moment you sat down, she studied your face with a knowing look.
‘’so… how are things going with daniel?’’ she asked, cutting into her avocado toast.
you smiled, a small genuine one.
‘’they’re good, actually. he’s really sweet. we’ve been seeing each other a couple times a week. we haven’t slept together yet… but i feel like i might be getting closer to wanting that.’’
her eyes lit up.
‘’that’s great! i’m really happy for you. he sounds like a good guy.’’ you nodded, stirring your coffee.
there was a comfortable pause. then she took a sip of her drink and asked casually:
‘’and how’s therapy going? you haven’t told me much about it lately.’’
you hesitated for a second, then shrugged lightly.
‘’it’s… going well, i think. my therapist is really good. he’s patient, he actually listens, and he explains things in a way that doesn’t make me feel like i’m broken. we’ve working on grounding exercises so i can stay more present, especially with daniel.’’
she raised an eyebrow, clearly intrigued.
‘’tell me more about him. what’s he like?’’
you looked down at your cup, feeling a little shy.
‘’he’s… younger than i expected. really perceptive. he remember everything i tell him. he just helps me understand why i do it.’’
she stayed quiet for a moment. then she leaned forward with a mischievous grin.
‘’okay… i have to confess something. after you told me you started therapy, i got curious and looked him up on google.’’
you blinked. ‘’you what?’’
‘’i googled him,’’ she said, laughing. ‘’dr. steve harrington. i found his profile on the practice’s website and some pictures. girl… he’s ridiculously hot. like, stupidly attractive. i mean… i get why tour sessions feel intense.’’
you felt your face heat up instantly. you looked down at your latte.
‘’he’s just my therapist,’’ you said quickly, trying to sound casual. ‘’he’s professional. really good at his job. that’s all.’’
‘’sure. that’s why you are blushing right now.’’
after that comment, you may have started seeing steve a little bit differently.
maybe more handsome.
maybe with more interest.
you tried to think it was just nonsense, that your best friend’s talk was inside your brain.
while waiting in the reception area for your session, you made the mistake of checking the practice's recent google reviews on your phone.
several new ones appeared. from women in their twenties.
one in particular caught your eye:
‘’dr. Harrington is incredible. i’ve never felt so understood in my life. he’s helped me so much with my intimacy issues. 10/10, would recommend to anyone.”
there were several more like that – all women praising how attentive and emotionally available steve was.
your stomach twisted with an ugly feeling you didn’t want to name.
jealousy.
then, as you were sitting in the waiting room, the door to steve’s office opened.
a pretty brunette woman stepped out, smiling brightly. steve followed her to the door, speaking to her in that same gentle, warm tone he used with you.
“see you next week. you did great today.”
she left, laughing at something he said. you felt a sharp pang in your chest.
when Steve turned and saw you waiting, his expression softened immediately.
“hey,” he said warmly. “ready?”
you forced a small smile and followed him into the office, trying to ignore the uncomfortable knot of jealousy twisting inside you.
you sat down in your usual armchair. steve settled across from you, leaning forward sightly with his elbows on his knees.
‘’how has your week been?’’ he asked softly.
you hesitated for a moment and opened your mouth to give a vague answer, but steve continued you could speak, his tone calm.
‘’you mentioned last session that you’ve been seeing someone. daniel, right? how are things going with him?’’
the question caught you slightly off guard. he had remembered the name.
of course he had.
you shifted in your seat, suddenly feeling exposed.
“they’re… going well,” you said carefully. “he’s really kind. patient. we’ve been spending more time together. we talk a lot, we kiss… but we haven’t slept together yet.”
steve listened with complete focus, his eyes never leaving your face. he nodded slowly, processing your words.
“and how do you feel about that?” he asked with a soft voice. “about holding back with him?”
you let out a slow breath.
“i feel guilty sometimes,” you admitted. “he’s a good guy. he deserves someone who can give him everything. but i’m scared. every time things get more physical, i feel myself starting to disconnect again. i don’t want to perform with him… but i don’t know how to stop doing it.”
steve was quiet for a few seconds. His expression remained calm and professional, but you noticed the subtle tension in his jaw and the way his fingers tightened slightly around his pen.
“it makes sense that you’re scared,” he said gently. “after being betrayed by someone you tried to trust, your mind and body learned that intimacy equals danger.”
he paused, then added in that low silky tone he had.
“but I also notice that when you talk about daniel, you describe him as ‘nice’ and ‘kind.’ you don’t talk about desire. about wanting him. does that feel significant to you?”
his question felt more direct than usual. you felt your cheeks warm under his steady gaze.
“i… i don’t know,” you whispered. “maybe I’m still not ready. or maybe i’m comparing how i feel with him to… other things.”
steve’s eyes lingered on you for a moment longer than necessary. he didn’t push further on that comment, but the air in the room felt heavier.
you felt your face flush. you looked down at your lap, unable to meet his eyes.
a shy, nervous smile formed on your lips as you played with the hem of your sweater and your fingers trembled slightly.
you left his office with the confusing realization that steve’s gentle praise affected you.
and no matter how many times you told yourself he was just being a good therapist.
the feeling was getting harder to ignore.
another day that daniel texted you asking if you wanted to do something casual. you said yes before you could overthink it.
the night arrived. he was the same as always: easy to talk to, interested in what you said, and never pushy. he brought you flowers –white daisies– and remembered your drink.
when dinner was over, you ended up on his couch. the kissing started slow and sweet. his hands were careful as they slid under your sweater, caressing your back.
for a while, you stayed present. you felt the warmth of his body, the softness of his lips, the way he whispered how beautiful you were. it felt nice.
but the moment his hand moved lower, slipping under the waistband of your jeans, something inside you tightened.
you pulled back gently, placing a hand on his chest.
‘’daniel… wait,’’ you whispered. he stopped immediately, looking at you with concern.
‘’is everything okay?’’ he asked softly.
you sat up a little, pulling your sweater back down.
your heart was racing, but not from desire – from anxiety.
‘’i’m sorry,’’ you said quietly. ‘’i thought i was ready, but… i’m not. not tonight.’’
daniel nodded without hesitation. he sat back and gave you a kind, understanding smile.
“that’s completely fine,” he said. “we don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. i’m really happy just spending time with you.”
you felt a wave of relief mixed with guilt.
yet you still couldn’t give him what he probably wanted.
you stayed for a little while longer, talking on the couch, but the atmosphere shifted.
when you left his apartment that night, you hugged him goodbye and told him you’d text him soon. the drive home was quiet. you felt disappointed in yourself.
by the time you got home, took a shower, and lay in bed staring at the ceiling, the frustration had built up to a breaking point.
now it has been months. months of this same cycle. flirting, dating, getting close, but then freezing or performing the moment things became truly intimate.
you were tired of it. exhausted.
you arrived at your session feeling a mix of determination and deep embarrassment.
steve was already seated when you walked in. he wore a sweater that made his shoulders look broader. when he saw you, his hazel eyes softened with that familiar warm attention.
“hi,” he said gently. “come in. make yourself comfortable.”
you sat down. steve noticed your body language immediately.
“you seem a little nervous today,” he observed softly. “would you like to tell me what’s on your mind?”
you took a deep breath and decided to be honest.
“i’ve been thinking about what we talked about last time,” you said quietly. “about why i disconnect during sex. i… i want to understand it better. so i can try to fix it with daniel.”
steve nodded slowly, his gaze steady and kind.
“i’m glad you want to explore this,” he said. “to help you, i’m going to ask some personal questions about your sexual experiences. you don’t have to answer anything that makes you uncomfortable. but the more honest you can be, the better i can understand what’s happening and help you work through it. is that okay with you?”
you swallowed hard and nodded. steve kept his voice low and professional.
“when you’re with daniel, or with previous partners… do you feel any physical pleasure at all? or does it become purely mechanical after a certain point?”
your cheeks started burning.
“sometimes… at the beginning,” you whispered. “i feel warmth. tingling. but then it fades. i start focusing on what i should be doing instead of what i’m feeling.”
steve nodded, completely focused on you.
“do you touch yourself when you’re alone?” he asked calmly. “masturbate?”
your face went hot. you looked down at your lap, fingers twisting nervously in your sweater.
“…yes,” you admitted.
“how does that feel compared to sex with someone else?” he asked gently. “do you stay present when you’re touching yourself?”
you bit your lip, feeling incredibly exposed.
“mostly yes,” you whispered. “it’s easier when i’m alone. i can control everything. i don’t have to worry about what the other person is thinking.”
steve’s voice remained soothing.
“that’s very common,” he said. “when you’re alone, there’s no fear of judgment or betrayal. your body feels safe enough to stay present. but when someone else is involved, that safety disappears and your mind protects you by dissociating.”
he paused, then continued.
“when you masturbate… what do you usually think about? do you stay focused on the sensations in your body, or does your mind wander to fantasies?”
your face was burning now. you couldn’t look at him.
“i… try to focus on the sensations,” you mumbled. “but sometimes i fantasize. about… being wanted. being seen. not just fucked.”
steve was quiet for a moment, giving you space. the silence felt heavy but not uncomfortable.
when he finally spoke, his voice was even softer, almost careful.
“thank you for being honest about that,” he said. “that’s really helpful information.”
he leaned forward slightly, resting his elbows on his knees.
“as an exercise for this week, i’d like you to try something at home. when you masturbate, i want you to focus completely on the physical sensations. you don’t have to do it every day, just when you feel comfortable.”
your heart was beating fast. the idea of doing that and then telling him about it made your stomach twist with nerves.
“and… you want me to tell you how it went?” you asked, voice small.
steve nodded calmly.
“only if you feel comfortable sharing. this is your space. but yes, talking about it next session could help us understand what makes it easier or harder for you to stay present.”
you swallowed hard, cheeks still burning.
“okay,” you whispered. “i’ll try.”
the drive home was quiet. your hands gripped the steering wheel a little too tightly the whole way.
steve’s voice kept echoing in your head.
the way he looked at you when you spoke. the subtle way his fingers tapped against his knee.
by the time you stepped into your apartment, you kicked off your shoes and sat on the edge of your bed, replaying steve’s words from the session.
you lay back on your bed, still wearing your clothes from the day. you slid your hand inside your now pajama pants and started slowly rubbing yourself over your panties.
you tried to focus on the sensation, on your own body like steve suggested. but after a few minutes your mind began to wander.
you kept thinking about him.
about the calm way he looked at you when he spoke.
about how low and steady his voice got when he explained things.
about the way his hands rested on his thighs during sessions.
you imagined those same hands on you and immediately felt a rush of heat between your legs.
you slipped your fingers under your panties and touched yourself directly, circling your clit slowly. soft sounds left your lips as you got wetter.
every time you tried to push the thoughts away, they came back stronger.
you pictured steve’s face, his kind eyes, the slight scruff on his jaw, the way he said your name.
guilt twisted in your chest even as pleasure built between your legs.this is wrong, you thought.
he was your therapist. he was trying to help you and you were here touching yourself while thinking about him.
still, you didn’t stop. your fingers moved faster, sliding inside yourself while your other hand gripped the sheets.
your breathing grew heavier. you whispered his name once, very quietly, like a secret you couldn’t keep inside.
when you finally came it was sharp and intense; your thighs shaking, a soft broken sound leaving your throat.
you felt dirty. wrong. like you had crossed a line you could never uncross.
steve trusted you.
he was patient and professional and genuinely trying to help you heal, and here you were fantasizing about him.
“what the hell is wrong with me…” you whispered into the quiet room.
the next few days were hell.
you tried to pretend it never happened.
you told yourself it was a one-time mistake. that it wouldn’t happen again.
but when thursday afternoon came and you walked into steve’s office, your hands were already shaking.
steve was sitting in his usual chair, wearing a soft beige sweater, looking calm and professional like always.
he smiled gently when you entered.
“hey,” he said warmly. “how have you been since last session?”
you sat down on the couch across from him, legs pressed tightly together.
“fine,” you mumbled.
he studied you for a moment, then leaned forward slightly, elbows on his knees.
“did you try the homework i gave you?” he asked, voice gentle but direct. “touching yourself without pressure?”
you stayed silent, staring at the floor. your throat felt tight. steve waited patiently.
“you don’t have to share details if you don’t want to,” he continued softly, “but it would help if you could tell me whether you did it or not… and if you did, what came up for you. what you were thinking about.”
you still didn’t answer. your fingers twisted in your lap.
steve tilted his head.
“it’s okay,” he said. “you can sit over here if it feels easier to talk.” he gestured to the smaller couch closer to his chair, only a couple feet away. “sometimes being a little closer helps.”
you didn’t move.
after a few seconds of silence, steve slowly reached out and placed his hand gently on your knee, warm and steady, trying to get your attention.
“hey,” he said quietly, voice low. “talk to me. what’s going on in that head of yours?”
your heart hammered in your chest. his hand on your leg made everything worse. you felt tears burning in your eyes.you finally whispered, barely audible:
“…i did it.”
steve nodded slowly, thumb brushing lightly against your knee in a comforting motion.
“good. that’s okay. and when you were doing it… what were you thinking about?”
you stayed quiet for a long moment, shame burning through your whole body. then, in a tiny, broken voice, you admitted:
“…you.”
the word hung heavy in the air between you.steve froze. his hand stilled on your knee.
for the first time since you’d known him, he looked genuinely caught off guard.
steve didn’t move. the air between you grew thick.
he stayed quiet for a few seconds, processing your words, then spoke carefully.
“you need to try thinking about something like that when you’re with daniel. that kind of arousal… that’s what we’re trying to build with him.”
you finally looked up at him with glassy and frustrated eyes.
“how am i supposed to feel that way with daniel?” your voice cracked. “how do i differentiate it? how do i know what i really want with him?”
steve stared at you. his breathing changed.
the professional mask cracked right in front of you.
for a moment he looked conflicted, struggling hard with himself.
then he leaned in slowly, cupped your face with one hand, and kissed you.
the kiss was soft at first, almost hesitant, but full of months of hidden tension. his lips were warm and gentle against yours. your heart slammed in your chest.
he pulled back after a few seconds with his breathing ragged.
“fuck… i’m sorry,” he whispered. “that was completely unprofessional. i shouldn’t have done that. we can’t—”
you didn’t let him finish.
you grabbed the front of his sweater and pulled him back into the kiss, harder this time.
steve froze for half a second before he gave in completely, kissing you back with a quiet groan. his hand slid to the back of your neck as the kiss deepened, growing more desperate.
both of you knew how wrong this was.
but in that moment, neither of you cared.
“this is so wrong…” he said. “i could lose my license. i could get fired. we shouldn’t be doing this.”
you looked into his eyes, desperate.
“i need you, steve,” you whispered back, voice breaking. “i don’t want anyone else. i only think about you.”
he let out a shaky breath, clearly fighting with himself.
then pulled you onto his lap so you were straddling him, your jeans rubbing against his thighs. his hands immediately gripped your hips.
“fuck… you’re going to ruin me,” he murmured before kissing you again, deeper this time.
his mouth moved to your neck, kissing and sucking on your skin as his hands worked between you.
“ride my thigh, baby,” he whispered hotly against your neck. “just like this. with your clothes on. use me to feel good.”
you moaned softly and started rocking your hips, grinding your clothed pussy against his thick, muscular thigh.
the rough fabric of your jeans created a delicious friction against your clit with every roll of your hips.
steve’s hands stayed on your hips, guiding you, pulling you harder against his leg.
“that’s it,” he breathed, sucking on the sensitive spot below your ear. “grind on me. use my thigh to get yourself off.”
you moved faster, rolling your hips in desperate circles, the seam of your jeans pressing perfectly against your clit.
you could feel how wet you were getting, the fabric growing damp as you humped his leg.
“steve…” you whimpered, burying your face in his neck.
“good girl,” he praised softly, kissing down your neck while helping you grind harder. “look at you… riding my thigh fully dressed like you can’t wait any longer.”
his hands squeezed your ass, pulling you down firmer against him with every roll. the pressure was intense, the friction making your legs shake.
“does that feel good, princess?” he murmured, voice low and rough. “humping my leg like a needy girl?”
“yes… fuck, yes,” you moaned quietly, moving faster, chasing the building pleasure.
steve kept kissing and biting your neck gently while you rode his thigh desperately, the wet patch on your jeans growing bigger with every grind.
then he didn’t even wait for you to cum and unbuttoned your jeans and tugged the zipper down. his long fingers slipped inside your jeans and under your panties, finding you soaked.
you gasped as two thick fingers touched you.
“so wet already,” he breathed against your neck, kissing and biting softly while his fingers played with your pussy. “you really do need this, don’t you?”
you moaned quietly, rocking your hips against his hand as he fingered you deeper.
his thumb found your clit and rubbed firm, steady circles while his mouth continued its assault on your neck.
“steve…” you whimpered, gripping his shoulders. “with you… i feel good.”
he lifted his head from your neck, eyes dark but full of concern. his fingers kept moving inside you, slower now.
“tell me,” he murmured against your skin, voice low and careful.“i don’t feel blocked,” you breathed, grinding down onto his fingers. “i’m not anxious… i’m not overthinking. i’m just… enjoying it. i feel safe with you.”
steve let out a shaky breath, clearly worried.
he stopped moving his fingers for a moment and looked straight into your eyes, his free hand gently cupping your cheek.
“are you sure?” he asked softly, thumb brushing your cheek. “i need you to be honest with me. if anything feels wrong or too much, you tell me immediately, okay? your comfort is the most important thing right now.”
you nodded, leaning into his touch.
“i’m sure,” you whispered. “i want this. i want you.”
steve searched your face for any sign of doubt, then kissed you again, slower this time, more tenderly.
his fingers started moving once more, curling gently inside you while his thumb kept rubbing your clit in steady circles.
“good girl,” he whispered against your lips, voice full of care. “just relax. i’ve got you. tell me if you want it slower or deeper.” he whispered hotly against your skin, curling his fingers inside you perfectly. “just ride my fingers, baby. take what you need.”
his other hand slid under your shirt, squeezing your breast as he kept kissing and marking your neck.
his fingers moved faster inside you, thrusting deep while his thumb pressed harder on your clit.
you were grinding desperately on his hand, moaning softly into his shoulder, completely lost in the feeling of his fingers stretching you and his mouth on your neck.
steve groaned quietly against your skin.
“you feel so fucking good… so tight around my fingers.”
you moaned quietly, rolling your hips against his hand as he fingered you with perfect rhythm.
his mouth returned to your neck, kissing and sucking softly while he focused completely on your pleasure, always watching your reactions, always making sure you felt safe.
“you’re doing so well,” he murmured against your skin, fingers curling just right. “i just want you to feel good, baby. nothing else matters right now.”
the pleasure built quickly until it crashed over you. you came hard with a broken moan, thighs shaking, pussy clenching tightly around his fingers as waves of pleasure rolled through your body.
steve kept moving his fingers gently, helping you ride out every last pulse.
when you finally came down, breathing heavily, you reached down to palm his obvious erection through his pants.
steve immediately caught your wrist, stopping you.
“no,” he said softly but firmly, breathing hard. “not today. this is about you.”
he gently lifted you off his lap and laid you down on the couch.
he knelt on the floor between your legs, pulled your jeans and panties down in one smooth motion, and spread your thighs wide.
steve leaned in and kissed your inner thigh, then higher, until his mouth was on your pussy. he licked a long, slow stripe from your entrance to your clit, tasting you.
you moaned loudly, your hand flying to his hair.
he licked you slowly at first, savoring you, then became more eager; sucking gently on your clit, fucking you with his tongue, then sliding two fingers back inside you while he focused his mouth on your sensitive bud.
“steve…” you whimpered, back arching. “oh my god…”
he ate you out with perfect focus, humming against you, curling his fingers deep while his tongue worked your clit in stead patterns.
you felt completely overwhelmed in the best way.
“it’s been so long…” you moaned, voice breaking, fingers tightening in his hair. “i haven’t felt this good with anyone in so long… steve, fuck—”
he groaned against your pussy, the vibration making you shiver.
he doubled down, sucking harder on your clit while his fingers thrust faster.
you came again with a loud cry, thighs clamping around his head as intense pleasure flooded your body.
steve kept licking you gently through it, drawing out every wave until you were trembling and oversensitive.
he finally pulled back, lips shiny, breathing heavily. he looked up at you with dark, worried, but undeniably hungry eyes. then he slowly stood up, towering over you as you lay on the couch.
he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked at you for a long moment.
“do you really want me to fuck you?” he asked, voice low and rough. “because we’ve already broken every rule… if we do this, there’s no going back.”
you nodded, still catching your breath.
“yes,” you whispered. “i want you.” steve let out a shaky breath, clearly fighting with himself one last time.
he quickly unbuckled his belt and opened his pants, pulling out his cock. he was big — thick and long, the head already leaking.
you stared at it, a mix of nerves and excitement flooding you.
“you have to be quiet,” he warned, voice serious. “no matter what. if someone hears us, i’m done.”
you nodded quickly. steve pulled your jeans and panties completely off, then climbed on top of you on the small couch.
he rubbed the head of his cock against your soaked pussy before slowly pushing inside.you gasped at the stretch. he was so big it almost hurt, but it felt so good.
he covered your mouth with his large hand as he sank deeper while his eyes were locked on yours.
“shhh, baby,” he whispered, bottoming out inside you. “fuck… you’re so tight.”
he started fucking you on the couch, deep and steady thrusts, his hand still firmly over your mouth to muffle your moans. every time he buried himself completely you whimpered against his palm, eyes rolling back.
after a few minutes he pulled out, stood up and turned you around, bending you over the desk. he pushed back inside you from behind in one smooth thrust, groaning quietly.
“quiet, princess,” he reminded you, hand returning to cover your mouth as he started fucking you harder.
the desk creaked softly with every deep thrust. steve was so big you could feel him in your stomach, stretching you perfectly.
his free hand gripped your hip tightly as he pounded into you, trying to stay as quiet as possible while giving you exactly what you needed.
“is this what you wanted?” he breathed against your ear, voice strained. “you feel so fucking good…”
you could only moan helplessly against his hand, completely lost in how full you felt and how deep he was hitting inside you.
“is this what you wanted?” he whispered, voice low and rough, lips brushing your ear. “when you were touching yourself at home… thinking about me… is this what you imagined?”
you moaned against his palm, nodding frantically.
“oh yes, steve…” you whimpered, the words muffled against his hand.he fucked you a little harder, deep and slow, making sure you felt every inch.
“you were fucking yourself thinking about my cock, weren’t you?” he breathed, voice soft but filthy. “touching that pretty pussy and wishing it was me stretching you open like this…”
you whimpered louder, pushing back against him.
“yes… yes, steve… i wanted you so bad,” you gasped against his fingers.
steve groaned quietly, pressing deeper, grinding against you.
“good girl,” he murmured, kissing the side of your neck while still covering your mouth. “you feel even better than i imagined… so fucking tight and wet for me.”
he kept a steady rhythm, rolling his hips, hitting that perfect spot inside you with every thrust. his hand stayed firm over your mouth, muffling your moans as you trembled beneath him.
“that’s it, baby… take it,” he whispered hotly. “this is what you needed, isn’t it? my cock deep inside you while you’re bent over my desk…”
you nodded desperately, tears of pleasure in your eyes.
“yes, steve… oh god, yes…” you moaned against his hand, voice broken and needy.
steve kissed your neck again, sucking softly on your skin as he fucked you deeper, slower, making sure you felt every single inch.
“you’re doing so good for me,” he praised gently, voice full of lust and care at the same time. “such a good girl… letting me fuck you like this…”
“that’s it, baby,” he whispered against your ear, voice low and rough. “cum for me. let go.”
your orgasm hit you hard. your whole body tensed, thighs shaking as you came around his cock with a muffled cry against his palm.
your pussy clenched tightly around him, pulsing again and again.
steve groaned quietly, burying himself deep as he followed right after you. his hips stuttered and he came hard inside you, filling you with warm pulses while pressing his face into your neck to stay quiet.
for a few seconds you both stayed like that, breathing heavily.
then reality seemed to hit him. steve pulled out slowly and grabbed the box of tissues from his desk. he cleaned you gently first, wiping between your legs with care, then cleaned himself.
you both dressed quickly in silence. he helped you button your jeans. once you were both fully dressed, steve sat on the edge of the desk and pulled you to stand between his legs.
he looked at you softly.
“how do you feel?” he asked quietly, genuine concern in his eyes. “be honest with me.”
you took a deep breath, still a little shaky.
“i didn’t feel blocked,” you whispered. “i didn’t overthink everything like i usually do. i just… felt good. really good. safe.”
steve’s expression softened. a small, relieved smile appeared on his lips.
“that’s really good,” he murmured, sounding genuinely happy. “i’m glad you felt that way. that’s important.”
“and… is this what all your patients get?” you asked softly, half-joking but clearly a little nervous.
steve’s eyes widened. he let out a surprised little laugh and shook his head immediately.
“ohhh no, no, no,” he said quickly, almost embarrassed. “you’ve been the exception. completely. i usually stay very professional… i’ve never crossed this line before. not even close.”
he cupped your face with both hands, looking straight into your eyes, sincere.
“this has never happened with anyone else. you’re the only one.”
you bit your lip, feeling a strange mix of relief and warmth in your chest.
steve leaned in and kissed your forehead gently, then rested his forehead against yours.
“this is new for me too,” he whispered. “and probably really stupid… but i couldn’t stop myself with you.”
Sweetheart!Gator is absolutely in love with his girlfriend !!
Sweetheart! Gator always visits you at work. He loves to show up unannounced while your busy to tease you for a bit before inevitably giving you some money “just because”
“I don’t need to get tipped for doing nothing, Gator” “Alright, okay..give me a kiss and I’ll tip you for that?”
Sweetheart! Gator is obsessed with anything you do. It looks like he’s watching his favorite show when he’s really just watching you make yourself a snack or pick out a movie. He loses his sense of personal space when he watches you. You’d turn to ask if he wanted a snack or drink only to bump into him the second you turn. “Oh-Hello..do you mind backing up?” “You don’t want me close? What did I do to deserve getting punished? I’m just—c’mon, let me stay close t’ya.”
Sweetheart! Gator who almost always lets you pick what to do for date night. A movie, dinner, shopping, summer swimming..he does get severely annoyed when you try to pray for any of it though. He huffs and groans-he’ll even take your wallet if you get too persistent about paying for your items.
Sweetheart! Gator who insists you model every outfit before date night as well. Any dress, skirt, shorts, or swimsuit must be modeled before you leave the house. Not because he would make you change, he rarely ever made you do that. He just liked to admire you like his prize. Like you were something he won-Like you made him a winner at something.
Sweetheart! Gator who lovesss tasting your lipgloss or chapstick. He loves to steal quick pecks and mumbles his guess of the flavor. “Mh..strawberry?” a whisper against your lips that made your smile go wide and your heart melt. “Mhm..good job.” He also has a habit of buying you dozens of flavored lip products-you have enough for a life time because of him.
A/N : I think I tagged everyone who wanted to be tagged, if I forgot you you can remind me <3
When you woke up the next day, the first thing you felt was panic, the second was confusion. You shot upright in bed so fast your heart immediately started pounding. What room was this ? Where were you ? The walls were unfamiliar, the furniture was unfamiliar, the smell was unfamiliar. For one horrible second, you genuinely thought someone had broken into your apartment and moved you somewhere else.
Then it came back, North Dakota, apartment 204, Witness Protection, Katie Foster. Right. You groaned and dropped back onto the mattress. “Fantastic.” It had barely been 24 hours of your new life, and you already hated it.
A little while later, after forcing yourself into the shower and changing clothes, you sat at the tiny kitchen table with the envelope they'd given you, the one that basically contained your entire existence now. You pulled the papers out again and started reading. Most of it was stuff you'd already heard, but apparently they really wanted to make sure it stuck.
RULES FOR PARTICIPANTS IN THE WITNESS SECURITY PROGRAM
You immediately hated the title.
Rule One : Do not contact anyone connected to your former life.
Already depressing.
Rule Two: Do not disclose your former identity to anyone.
Rule Three: Do not discuss your relocation with neighbors, employers, friends, or romantic partners.
You stopped reading, romantic partners ? Well, that sounded optimistic.
Rule Four: Do not leave the state without authorization.
Rule Five: Maintain your assigned identity at all times.
Rule Six: Immediately report any suspicious activity.
Rule Seven: Do not attempt to investigate your former case.
That one made you laugh, a short, humorless laugh. As if you needed the reminder. You shoved the papers away then noticed the phone sitting beside them, the new phone. You picked it up, powered it on, but it contained nothing. No contacts, no photos, no messages, no history, no life. It was just a blank phone waiting for Katie Foster to start existing, and you hated that too.
By eleven o'clock you couldn't stay inside anymore, the apartment felt too small, too quiet, too much like a prison. So you left.
The cold slapped you immediately, North Dakota seemed determined to punish you for arriving. You shoved your hands into your pockets and started walking. The town wasn't what you'd expected, it was much smaller. Everybody seemed to know everybody, people waved at each other from passing trucks, stopped to chat on sidewalks, called each other by name.
A woman walking her dog smiled and said good morning. A man leaving a hardware store nodded politely. A teenager held a door open for you. It was all incredibly normal, something you really wasn’t used to anymore.
You didn't want people noticing you, didn’t want people remembering you, and you certainly didn't want people learning your name. Yet somehow this town seemed designed specifically to make that impossible.
Eventually you found a small bakery which smelled like heaven. You bought a cinnamon roll and a coffee, and obviously paid in cash, then escaped before anybody could start a conversation.
A few minutes later you were sitting on a bench downtown, people-watching, wondering what these people were up to, watching traffic while slowly eating your breakfast. This was your life now, Katie Foster, future bookstore employee, North Dakota resident, professional liar.
You glanced at your watch, you still had plenty of time, the bookstore interview wasn't until two, not that it was really an interview, everything had already been arranged. Apparently witness protection came with customer service.
As you were taking a sip of your coffee, movement caught your eye. A familiar cruiser rolled down the street and your stomach immediately dropped.
Nope, absolutely not. The deputy from yesterday, the annoying one who asked way too many questions because that asshole was way too observant. The cruiser rolled past you, and for a brief second, the deputy turned his head towards you and made eye contact. Right after, his car slowed down. “Oh no.” The brake lights flashed. “Oh hell no.”
The cruiser pulled beside the curb. “Yeah, absolutely not.” You stood immediately, coffee forgotten and half-eaten cinnamon roll still in hand before hurrying away. Not running, definitely not running, just walking very quickly, like a totally normal and perfectly innocent person.
You turned down a side street, then another, then ducked around a corner, heart racing. You carefully peeked back. The cruiser was still there, parked, but no deputy. Where the hell had he gone ?
You waited ten seconds, twenty, thirty, but no sign of him. Maybe he'd gone into a building ? Maybe he'd gotten distracted meeting someone he knew ? Okay, enough, you were being ridiculous.
You stepped away from the corner and started walking again, the cinnamon roll still clutched in your hand, and immediately walked straight into somebody. You yelped, the other person barely moved and a large hand caught your elbow before you could stumble backward.
“Whoa.” You froze and slowly looked up. Green cap, brown eyes, slicked back hair, sheriff's department jacket. The deputy, of course it was him. A grin slowly spread across his face, the kind people got when they caught someone doing something suspicious.
“Morning, Katie.” Your soul left your body.
“Oh.” The deputy tilted his head.
“Funny.” He paused, looking you up and down. “You looked a whole lot happier before you saw me.” You were holding half a cinnamon roll like a weapon, and he looked far too pleased with himself. The grin never left his face, which immediately annoyed you. “You know, most people say hello before trying to evade law enforcement.” You stared at him.
“I wasn't evading law enforcement.”
“Mm. You weren’t ?”
“No.” Another grin.
“Just speed-walking away from me ?” Your eye twitched and the deputy seemed delighted by this.
“I was going somewhere.”
“Uh huh, sure.” God, you already couldn't stand him.
“You always this annoying ?” You asked, and that got a laugh out of him.
“No. Only when people act suspicious.” You immediately stiffened, and he noticed, his smile fading slightly. “You know, most people don't react this strongly to seeing a deputy.” You crossed your arms.
“Most people probably weren't stopped on the side of the road by one yesterday.”
“Fair.” A beat passed before he spoke again. “But if I remember correctly you were speeding, no ? My memory’s good.” You rolled your eyes.
“Good for you.” He started at you, not sure why you were being so harsh. He shoved his hands into his cargo pockets.
“I’m Gator. Gator Tillman.” He grinned, as if that was supposed to mean anything to you. You just shrugged.
“Gator ? What kind of name is that ?” His grin disappeared, and he immediately sighed. Apparently he'd seen that reaction before.
“Well, it’s my name.” You raised your eyebrows.
“Did your parents hate you ?” He tensed, and snapped back immediately.
“No. But yours probably did. And probably still do considering you’re such a rude bitch.” His answer came out before he could stop it, and you realized maturity wasn't one of his strengths.
“Oh, I'm the rude one ?”
“Yeah. I stopped you yesterday, you looked terrified of me, and now you're insulting my name.”
“Maybe because you keep following me.” His eyebrows shot up.
“Following you ? That’s rich. You think I stopped because of you ?” He laughed. “I stopped to get coffee you dumb bitch. Can’t believe you think you’re that important huh ?” You roll your eyes, his insults stinging a little.
“Whatever.” You tried to get pass him, but he blocked your path with his body.
“You looked like a criminal.” Every single muscle in your body froze.
“You don't even know me.” He shrugged.
“No. But you definitely looked guilty, Katie Foster.”
“And you are definitely an asshole, Gator Tillman.” The deputy groaned dramatically then looked up at the sky, like he was asking God for patience. You found yourself weirdly satisfied by that.
“Where are you from anyway ?” Your walls went back up instantly.
“California.” The answer came too fast, too rehearsed and you knew it. Apparently he knew it too.
“Mh. You have family back in California ?”
“No. They’re all dead.” That seemed to throw him off guard for a few seconds, probably wondering if you were being serious. After a few seconds, he rocked slightly on his heels, changing the subject.
“Well, Katie. Try not to run from any more deputies right ?”
“I wasn’t running.” The grin returned full force on his face.
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Then he turned around and started walking away, only to stop after a few steps. “Oh, by the way. If you’re gonna live here, you should probably get used to seeing me.” He tapped a few times on his badge. “And if you keep speed-walking away every time you see me, people are gonna start thinking we're having an affair.” You nearly chocked on your own spit, but he laughed and headed back toward his cruiser before you could think of something to throw at him.
By the time two o'clock rolled around, you'd managed to convince yourself that the deputy wasn't going to magically appear again, which was good, because if you had to spend another twenty minutes talking to Gator and his stupid grin, you might've committed a crime just to spite him.
The bookstore sat on a quiet street a few blocks from downtown. A small bell chimed as you stepped inside. The smell hit you immediately, old paper, coffee, dust. The place looked like it belonged in a movie, tall wooden shelves, ladders, stacks of novels balanced in places that definitely violated safety regulations. It felt cozy. For the first time all day, your shoulders relaxed slightly.
“Well now.” You turned and an elderly man appeared from between two shelves, gray hair, round glasses wearing a cardigan that looked older than you. The man smiled warmly. “You must be Katie.” You smiled back, it was impossible not to.
“Yeah.” He extended a hand.
“Harold.” You shook it. “Nice to meet you.” He pointed towards the store, and just like that, the tour began.
The next hour passed surprisingly quickly. Harold knew every single inch of the bookstore, eery shelf, every author, every squeaky floorboard. You quickly discovered that he wasn't hiring because he wanted help, he was hiring because he desperately needed it.
“You see that ladder ?” You looked up, the ladder reached almost to the ceiling. “I can't safely climb that anymore.” Fair. He pointed toward another shelf. “Or that one, actually, most things. You laughed and Harold sighed dramatically. “Getting old is a scam.”
The store wasn't complicated, a cash register, inventory in the back, deliveries every Thursday, customer orders. Nothing difficult. By the end of the tour, Harold seemed satisfied.
“You’ll do.” You blinked.
“That’s it ?” He shrugged.
“You seem competent.” Harold smiled, then looked around his beloved bookstore, his expression softened, almost sad now. “I built this place forty years ago. I just can't keep doing it every day anymore.” And suddenly you understood, this wasn't just a bookstore, this was his whole entire life. He cleared his throat. “You can start tomorrow morning.”
“I’d like that.”
The walk back to your apartment was quiet. The town felt a little less intimidating now, still strange and unfamiliar, but less hostile. No deputies appeared, thank God. When you finally reached the apartment complex, your car was exactly where you'd left it, still overflowing with the remnants of your old life. You sighed.
Three trips later, you were questioning all your life choices. Suitcases, boxes, bags … The apartment slowly began looking less like temporary housing and more like a place someone actually lived. You unpacked clothes, bathroom supplies, kitchen stuff, more clothes.
At some point you gave up entirely and ordered groceries online. There was absolutely no chance you were going back into town today, not after running into Gator.
The groceries arrived just before dinner. You put everything away and made yourself something simple. Pasta, nothing exciting but it was food, and food was good. Especially after three days of gas station snacks.
While the water boiled, you continued unpacking until you found old photographs, almost forgot that you had packed them. Your fingers carefully picked up the first one, mom and dad, both smiling, both completely unaware of how much you'd miss them.
The next pictures were worse. Friends, birthdays, summer, your normal life, your real life. The one that no longer existed. Your chest tightened as you sat down on the edge of the couch. Another photo, another memory, another person you weren't allowed to call, another person who thought you'd simply disappeared.
The apartment suddenly felt very small and empty again as a tear slipped down your cheek before you could stop it. You quickly wiped it away as if someone might see even though nobody was there.
You looked down at the photographs one last time and carefully placed them inside a drawer, not hidden, just put away. The pasta finished cooking and you ate quickly, watched television you weren't really paying attention to.
Eventually exhaustion won. The dishes could wait until tomorrow, everything could wait until tomorrow. You changed into pajamas, turned off the lights and crawled into bed.
You stared at the ceiling for a long time, thinking about your real home, thinking about all the people who no longer knew where you were.
Then eventually your eyes drifted shut, and for the second night in a row, Katie Foster fell asleep in a life that still didn't feel like hers.
Author's Note: I am so so sorry this took so long to get out. I had the original version ready on Thursday, but something about it just didn't feel right. I wanted to add a bit more to it so it didn't feel like a filler chapter, and when I sat down this morning, this came out. I hope you all enjoy it and thank you for being so patient with me :)
Warnings: negative self talk, panic attack/anxiety, I can't remember if there's anything else right now, but if I missed anything, let me know!
Word Count: 10K
Joe’s POV
Joe had never been a restless sleeper.
He could remember how annoyed his mom would get when he was a teenager, refusing to wake up for school in the early hours of the morning no matter how many times she came into his room.
His sisters joked that he slept like the dead, and they would often play pranks on him like drawing on his face with eyeliner and lipstick, snapping photos that they claimed they were going to keep to show at his wedding one day.
He relied on you to wake him up most mornings, because an alarm surely wouldn’t. You with your soft voice calling his name before you set a cup of coffee down on his nightstand. You always gave him space to come to, waiting patiently until he felt awake enough to join the world.
It was that same soft sound of your voice that pulled him from his sleep in the middle of the night, but it wasn’t soft. You sounded distressed, a soft whimper following his name. He woke up immediately, sitting up as you stirred on your side of the bed, hidden behind a wall of pillows you’d put between the two of you.
His heart kicked up as he said your name, rhos hand desperately reaching to gently rub the soft skin of your arm. You were curled around the pillows between you, your right arm and leg curled around them as if you were in need of something stable to hold onto.
“You awake?” His voice was hoarse, barely audible as he whispered into the dark bedroom. “Ace?”
“Joe.” You sighed his name, the tone immediately different from before. His name was followed by a soft hum as you as you nuzzled into the pillow beneath your cheek. “Hi.”
“Hi.” He pressed his lips together, fighting back a smile as he realized you were sleep talking, unaware that he was there next to you. “Ace?”
When you didn’t answer, Joe let out a relieved sigh, resting his head down on his pillow and placing his hand next to yours to let you know he was still there. He closed his eyes for a second, happy that you were safe and next to him in bed.
As he started to drift, he heard you whisper his name again, that fearful tone returned with more intensity than before.
“What’s wrong?” His eyes flew open again, and he pushed up on his elbow to look over at you in the dark. “You okay?”
“Can’t find you.” You whimpered, twisting your head. “You left.”
Joe hated the feeling in his chest, the way it tightened and pinched as your face twisted in your sleep. It killed him to know you were looking for him, unable to find him when you needed him.
He was jealous of the dream version of himself.
He got to be there for you in a way Joe was afraid he would never be able to. The daytime version of you might never open up to him like this. He doubt you’d ever ask him for help when your eyes were open.
When you let out another soft whimper, fingers clutching the pillow beneath your hand, he contemplated throwing them on the floor and taking their place. It was taking everything in him to hold back, to leave the barrier between the two of you.
“M’right here.” He whispered, sliding his hand over your bicep, softly rubbing his palm over your back in soothing circles. “It’s okay.”
“The lights.” You sighed. “Weren’t they so pretty?”
“Not as pretty as you.” His thumb brushed against the nape of your neck, and you shivered under his palm. “Most beautiful girl in the world, you know that?”
“M’not pretty.” You frowned in your sleep, a little pucker between your brows pulling at his heart strings. “M’just me.”
“‘Just you’ is still beautiful.” His hand left your back, reaching up to smooth down the skin between your brows. “Don’t tell me you don’t see it, Ace.”
“Can’t see you.” You whispered, repeating your words from earlier. “You left me, Joe. Where did you go?”
“I’m right here.” He let his knuckle brush over your cheek. “Are you having a bad dream?”
You responded in jumbled, half words that sounded like a different language.
Joe snorted out a laugh, shaking his head at the pout on your lips.
“Can’t believe I’m jealous of a pillow right now.” He muttered, keeping his eyes on you for a few moments more just in case you called out for him again. “Do you see what you do to me? Got me up in the middle of the night just to watch you sleep.”
“That’s weird.” You said into the pillow. “Am I asleep?”
“Yeah, you are.” He whispered, turning your palm over in his hand before leaning down to press a few soft kisses over the lines of your palm. “And I’m still here, angel, so just rest.”
Your fingers twitched, brushing against his jawline.
“Mhmm.” You sighed. “Okay.”
Joe smiled, brushing his nose against your skin before pressing another final kiss to the center of your palm. He rested his head on the pillow, shifting until he was on his side facing you. He left his hand next to yours, your pinkies just barely brushing against each other. It wasn’t enough, but he’d settle for whatever contact he could get right now.
He wasn’t sure when his crush on you morphed into something more complex, something dangerously close to a feeling he’d never had before. He’d been in love with previous partners before, of course he had, but nothing had ever felt like this.
He was starting to feel desperate, like a man possessed.
But he didn’t want to push you, afraid that you would retreat back into the person you were before, guarded and quiet. He wanted you to be loud, to be bold enough to show him just how you felt even if you were afraid of what the world might think.
His breath hitched in his throat when you slid your hand over his, your fingers sliding between his like puzzle pieces. He stared at your hands joined together on the pillow, that familiar feeling swelling in his chest and crawling up his throat.
He squeezed your fingers, eyes trained on your face as you slept.
“I don’t want to close my eyes.” He confessed to the dark, mumbling under his breath after a scoff. “Jesus, I sound like I’m quoting fucking Aerosmith or something.”
“Joe.” His name was different when it fell from your lips this time, and he knew you weren’t talking in your sleep anymore. “Shut up.”
“Sorry.” He smiled into his pillow. “Go back to sleep.”
“I’m trying, but you’re quoting one of the cheesiest love songs of all time.” You whined, pulling your hand from his to rub at your face. “Why are you awake?”
“You said my name.” He confessed, heart sinking in his chest at the loss of your touch. “I thought something was wrong.”
“Oh.” You rolled onto your back, staring up at the ceiling. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He mimicked your move, rolling onto his back and resting his hands on his stomach. “You know I’m right here if you need me? It doesn’t matter what time it is, you can always wake me up.”
You didn’t respond at first, but he knew you were still awake on your side of the bed. He bit the inside of his cheek, afraid that he’d pushed too hard.
The rustling of the sheets confused him, and he almost jumped when he felt your fingers sliding between his. You gave a soft squeeze, your thumb softly tracing the skin on the back of his hand.
“I know.” The sweetness in your voice would haunt his dreams. “Goodnight, Joe.”
He squeezed your hand back, smiling up at the ceiling.
“Goodnight.”
💤💤💤💤💤
The sun shining in your eyes woke you up, warm rays resting on your skin like soft hands.
Everything felt warm, like you’d been wrapped in a tight hug on a summers day. The faint scent of Joe’s cologne shocked your senses as you turned your face into the pillows wedged between the two of you. You let out a soft sigh, grateful that the sun was no longer beaming directly onto your face.
As you rested your head on the pillow, slowly allowing yourself to wake up properly, you realized that you shouldn’t even be seeing the sun right now. Your alarm was set to wake you up before the sun so you had time to get ready for Joe’s radio appearance. You had to get both of you dressed, fed, and out the door before the sunrise.
Shit.
“Joe?” Your voice was hoarse as you sat up, looking at the empty space where Joe had slept last night, sheets still rumpled. “Fuck.”
You scrambled, sitting up on your side of the bed, pressing your back into the headboard behind you as you pushed the covers off of your legs.
“Joe?” You called his name out again, urgency in your voice.
You were met with silence.
In that moment, you wished you could say that you acted with logic, but you were running off of pure panic. Your fight or flight response took over as you reached for your phone on the nightstand with shaking hands. It felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on you as you realized the magnitude of the situation.
Joe missing this radio segment didn’t just affect him, it affected other teams and artists involved in the tour that he was asked to open door. If he missed the appearance, all of the plans you’d put together with Kevin’s team went out the window.
You looked at the time on your phone, blinking a few times to clear your vision.
Joe was meant to be at the radio station at 6:00 AM
It was now 10:00 AM, the time staring back at you from your phone in big block letters, mocking you as you read it over and over again. You hoped it would change, that you were reading it wrong or that the clock on your phone just hadn’t changed when you landed in Paris, but you knew that wasn’t the case.
You had fucked up, big time.
In all the years that you’d worked with Joe, you’d never forgotten an event or a scheduled appearance. You were like a well oiled machine, ready to spit back times and addresses without even needing to glance at your calendar to remember all of the places Joe needed to be. You were used to being the person who solved the problems, the one who had the answers, but right now you didn’t have the answers.
Right now, you were the one who created the problem.
Every nerve endings in your body was buzzing, and you were finding it hard to catch your breath. Your chest was tight, the pressure there feeling like an invisible weight. Pressing your palm against your chest to relieve the pressure did nothing, the feeling swelling until you felt like you couldn't breathe anymore.
You were vaguely aware that you were staring out the window of your hotel room, looking at the Eiffel Tower, but your vision was blurry due to how hard your heart was beating. You were finding it hard to focus on anything, stuck in a paralyzed state in the vortex of your own mind.
Cruel and negative thoughts swirled around you, things you’d never say to your worst enemy directed at yourself as punishment for something that you couldn’t go back in time and fix.
There was a familiar burning in the hinge of your jaw, a tightening that reminded you of the feeling you got when you tried sour candy for the first time. You knew that meant the tears were coming next, the lump of emotion weighing on your chest moving up to your throat, tightening it and limiting your breathing even more.
You didn’t feel the bed dip next to you when you pulled your legs up, resting your forehead to your kneecaps as tears started to fall down your cheeks. It was all too much, crashing down around you like a sudden summer rainstorm.
A cold hand landed on your back, rubbing soothing circles over the soft fabric of your pajama top. You jumped, turning your head to see Joe sitting next to you with his brows pinched together, face lacking its usual warmth as he looked over you for any signs of physical harm.
How could you tell him it was all in your head?
“It’s okay.” He whispered, scrambling to move closer to you as he slipped his hand under your hair, cold fingers massaging the nape of your neck while his other hand fell to your knee. “You’re okay.”
You sniffled, lifting a shaky hand to wipe at the tears on your cheek.
“Oh, baby.” He sighed, reaching up to wipe at your tears for you. “You’re okay, yeah? Everything is alright, you’re safe.”
“I forgot.” You croaked out, gasping around a sob. “I never forget.”
Joe’s thumb brushed softly over your cheek, shaking his head.
“Let’s focus on breathing first.” He tried to offer you a gentle smile, but it was clearly forced. “Don’t focus on anything but breathing.”
You nodded, licking over your bottom lip, wincing at the salty taste left from the tears sticking to your skin. Joe continued to wipe over your cheeks, using the sleeve of his hoodie to absorb them. He quickly swiped his sleeve under your nose, and you whined, pushing at his hand as he let out a soft laugh.
“Gross.” You whispered. “Don’t wipe my snot.”
“It’s not gross.” He laughed, still rubbing circles on your back. “You need to be able to breathe, you dork.”
You didn’t argue with him.
He whispered soft words of encouragement,giving you space while you slowly came back down from the adrenaline rush. You leaned back, falling into his side with heavy, swollen eyes as your body finally started to settle, coming down from the high of your panic attack. Joe hesitated to wrap his arms around you, looking down for confirmation as you settled your head on his shoulder.
It was easy to convince yourself that this was something a friend would do to comfort another friend during a hard time, that it didn't mean anything more than that. You closed your eyes, resting your forehead against Joe’s neck as he wrapped his arms around you to keep you close to him. He tucked his chin carefully, glancing down at you with a soft smile.
“Hi.” Joe said softly, leaned back against the headboard with his arm tucked behind you. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
“I haven’t had an attack like this in a really long time.” You admitted, tangling your fingers together anxiously as you started to pick at the dry skin around your nails.
“When you say it’s been a really long time, how long ago are we talking?” He cleared his throat, reaching down with his right hand to grab yours, tangling your fingers together so you’d stop anxiously picking at your skin. “Has it been years? Months?”
You bit the inside of your cheek, throat tightening and vision blurring again with fresh tears. Joe was patient, waiting for you to find your words. You weren’t used to that.
“It’s been a few years.” You whispered. “The last one was before the season two premiere.”
“I remember that night.” He rested his cheek on top of your head. “I don’t remember you having a panic attack.”
“I used to be better at pushing through them, at hiding.” You squeezed your eyes shut as a fresh set of tears fell. “I don’t even remember what caused it back then, but I know we’d only been working together for a few years at that point. I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t handle doing my job, so I didn’t say anything.”
“That’s not okay.” He sighed, squeezing you tighter. “You should have said something to me. You can always talk to me.”
“I didn’t want to lose my job.” You sniffled. “I know now that you’d never fire me over something like that, but I was young back then, and everything was so new.”
“It was a lot.” He said. “I remember being overwhelmed by that premiere too. So many people showed up to see this huge cast of new talent that they couldn’t wait to dig their claws into, to tear apart.”
“You did so good that night.” You smiled, turning your head up to look at Joe. “I remember watching from the sidelines and just thinking ‘Wow, he’s really gonna go places’.”
“You had faith in me? Even back then?” He teased, pressing his forehead to yours as his lips quirked up at the corners. “That’s sweet of you.”
“Always had faith in you.” You rolled your eyes. “Thank you, by the way, for sitting with me.”
“No thanks necessary. I’m just glad I got here when I did.” He pulled back, searching your face. “What happened today that triggered this?”
You bit at the inside of your cheek, words stuck in your throat.
He was going to be upset.
“Hey, don’t push yourself.” His brows furrowed. “Whatever it is, I’m sure we can fix it.”
We.
The warmth in his eyes brought you comfort, reassuring you that he meant it when he said we. He wasn’t going to leave you to figure this out on your own, and that was oddly comforting.
“You were supposed to make an appearance at a radio station this morning.” You confessed. “Everyone was expecting you to mention your upcoming tour plans for the year, Kevin’s team has plans in place that were dependent on this interview and you missed it because of me.”
Joe tilted his head, fighting back a smile.
“What’s funny?” Your voice cracked.
“When you woke up and I was gone, where did you think I went?” Joe asked, lifting his hand up to brush a few strands of hair stuck to your cheek. “Do you think I willingly woke up before the sun and left you in bed?”
“Joe.” You deadpanned, pushing your shoulder against his chest. “This is serious.”
“I am being serious.” He said through laughter. “I actually went to the interview this morning! You set your alarm, I just turned it off because you seemed so tired. When I went to turn it off, I realized you had it labeled ‘Joe on the radio’. So I looked over your planner, found the info, and I called a car.”
You stared at him, completely shocked as he shrugged.
“You-” You paused, mouth parted as you tried to find the words. “Oh.”
“Yeah.” He said softly. “Just know for future reference, if we’re ever sharing a bed again, I’m not leaving it on my own free will.”
“Don’t be so cheeky.” You sighed, shaking your head. “I guess that was a silly reaction, huh?”
“Not at all.” He said. “Were you worried that I would be upset with you?”
“That was part of it, but I was mostly worried that I ruined a very important, very thought out announcement.” You groaned, lifting your hands to your face. “I thought I dropped the ball, and I don’t do that, Joe. I’m the one who’s meant to take care of things, to make sure it’s all perfect.”
“It’s okay if you do forget, though.” He curled his arm tighter around you. “You’re only human, there will be times where you’re gonna make a mistake or miss a small detail-.”
“I don’t make mistakes.” You shook your head. “I’ve been doing this far too long, and I’m too organized for mistakes.”
“Okay, we need to have a talk about work.” He snorted out a laugh. “Am I a bad boss? Do I rely on you too much?”
“No.” You whipped your head to look at him, almost offended by what he was insinuating about himself. “You’re a great boss.”
“You’ve clearly been handling a lot more things than I realized.” He offered a soft smile. “Maybe you need some time off? Maybe a little vacation?”
“We’re literally in Paris right now.” You pointed to the window, brows shooting up. “This is like a vacation.”
“This is a work trip.” He rolled his eyes. “Is there anything I can take off your plate? Anything that I can help you with so you’re not so overwhelmed.”
“I’m not overwhelmed.” You huffed out, turning your attention to the imaginary lint on your pants, picking at it as you mumbled. “I just got distracted last night, that’s all.”
“We’re going to circle back to the work thing in a minute.” He said, voice dripping with amusement as he ducked his head down to catch your gaze. “What was so distracting last night?”
“Shut up.” You felt your cheeks burning as you tried to look anywhere else. “I’m not overwhelmed, I promise.”
He waited, searching your face for any signs of a lie.
“Would you even tell me if you were?” He asked, brows lifting slightly. “Becuase I don’t think you would.”
You groaned, dropping your head down to the crook of his neck.
“Can we talk about anything else?” You closed your eyes, soaking in the warmth of Joe’s body around you.
“Sure, but we still have to talk about it eventually.” He chuckled. “I think we both know that things are changing, and we’ll have to reevaluate our work relationship eventually.”
“I just like being helpful.” You grumbled, bottom lip pouting out. “I like helping you.”
“You’re beyond helpful sometimes." He chuckled. “For example, I’m more than capable of taking my clothes to the dry cleaners when we’re at home.”
“Joe, that’s something all assistants do.” You slid your palm over the soft pouch of his stomach, resting it there. “I take my job very seriously, and I do it well.”
“I know you do, there’s no question about that.” He said. “But maybe there are things that I can take off your plate so you can relax a little.”
“You do know I’m your assistant.” You said. “I’m supposed to take things off of your plate, not the other way around.”
“You don’t have to keep reminding me, that's all I think about these days.” He grumbled, resting his chin on top of your head. “I just have a feeling you’ve taken on stuff that I should be doing because you like taking care of people.”
“Not everyone.” You corrected, turning your face into his chest to hide the redness blooming on your cheeks. “I mean, yes, I like to help people I care about, but it’s different with you. Helping you is something that makes me feel good too.”
Joe groaned and you heard his head thunk against the headboard as he cursed under his breath. You smiled into his throat, biting back a laugh at the way your words affected him.
“Ace,” His fingers tickled your cheek, trailing down to your jaw as you lifted your head. “That sounds an awful lot like something a romantic partner would enjoy, not just an assistant.”
“Easy, tiger.” You breathed out, words almost stuck in your throat when Joe lowered his head. “Let’s walk before we run.”
“But I love running.” He brushed his nose against yours as someone started knocking on the hotel door. “Fuck, I forgot I ordered room service.”
“You ordered room service?” You lifted your head, suddenly aware of how hungry you actually were. “Are you trying to take my job?”
“Like I could ever do what you do.” He snorted out a laugh, tapping his fingers under your chin with a wink. “C’mon, let’s get up. Pierre suggested that we get the crepes, and I figured you’d want to try the Tiramisu french toast, so I got both.”
“That sounds divine.” You moaned out, sliding your legs off the side of the bed before standing up. “I’m excited now.”
You stretched your arms up to the ceiling, aware that your top slid up slowly to reveal a sliver of your skin as your back arched. Joe cursed under his breath before groaning. His hands trailed lightly up the outsides of your thighs, wrapping around your waist holding you in place for a second as he rested his forehead against your back.
“Joe, I should get the door.” You whispered, pressing your lips together.
“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Just give me a second, I’ll be right behind you.”
He lifted his head up, sighing heavily as you turned back to look at him.
You opened your mouth to ask if he was okay, but he held his hand up, eyes dropping shut as he shook his head. It was then you realized why he looked like he was in pain. You bit back a smile, eyes dropping down to the bulge pushing against the zipper of his jeans.
“Don’t.” He groaned out. “This is your fault.”
“Are you-”
“I’m begging you, please don’t make it worse.” He groaned, looking up at you with those beautiful hazel eyes. “You’re evil for doing that.”
“Sorry.” You whispered, fighting off laughter. “I was just stretching.”
“Ace-” He dropped back against the bed, hands covering his face.
“I’m going, I’m going.” You held your hands up, walking around the end of the bed. “Should I shut the door for you-”
He rolled over, burying his face in the bed as he groaned out your name.
“Have fun.” You sang, pulling the door shut behind you with a soft chuckle.
As you walked to open the hotel door, you wondered if you’d ever made Joe hard like that before, if he’d been holding back for a lot longer than just this past week.
It made your stomach swirl as you reached for the door handle with a soft smile.
🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆
After breakfast, Joe insisted that you get out of the hotel room for a little bit.
He took you around the city like he was your own personal tour guide, showing you all of his favorite places that you missed out on during the last trip. You had caught a nasty flu a few days before you were meant to fly out, and even though he was devastated to go without you, Poppy made sure he got on the plane. She covered for you on that trip, and Joe called at least four times a day to tell you how terrifying Poppy was and how much he missed having you by his side.
He took you to a little cafe that he sat in for hours, hiding from Poppy while he wrote lyrics in the notebook you’d gotten him for Christmas. You sat by the window as Joe brought you a hot chocolate, dropping a casual kiss to the top of your beanie covered head like this was a date. Your cheeks burned as he sat across from you, nudging your foot under the table with that charming grin that made your stomach flip.
After a late lunch, on the way back to the hotel, you passed by a little jewelry store with vintage pieces on display in the window. You stopped for a second, eyes glued to two simple gold bracelets. You pushed them to the back of your mind, turning to catch up with Joe, but he was standing right in front of you.
“Oh, sorry.” You stepped back after bumping into him, laughing anxiously as he looked at the window display. “I got distracted.”
“Which one were you looking at?” He pointed to the display before turning his attention back to you.
“Just one of the gold ones.” You waved your hand dismissively, gesturing in the direction of the hotel. “We need to get going so we aren’t late.”
“The one with the two diamonds towards the clasp?” He moved closer to the display, leaning down. “That’s beautiful.”
“It is.” You said slowly, eyes narrowing. “Joe, we need to get back to the hotel.”
“Do you see the other one?” He glanced back at you with a soft smile. “The bangle with the diamond closure?”
“It’s really pretty.” You nodded, resting your hand on his back. “But seriously, we have to go, we still have a fifteen minute walk back.”
“I know.” He turned back with a grin. “C’mon.”
By the time you’d made it back to the hotel and up to your room, you were ready to collapse into the hotel bed again. You looked over the queen sized bed as Joe started to rearrange some of the shopping bags you’d collected during your tour of the city. Housekeeping had come in while you were gone and made the bed, any evidence of the pillow wall or your panic attack from earlier wiped away.
The small clock on the nightstand told you that you only had two hours to get ready for dinner, which meant you were a little pressed for time since both you and Joe needed to shower and freshen up. You let out a soft sigh, brows creasing as you turned back to the wardrobe. Joe’s suit was hung up, perfectly steamed, crisp, and ready for him to slide into after his shower.
Joe watched as you rearranged the suit on the end of the bed, resting a few accessories like his watch and a necklace over the fabric with a look of pure concentration. He smiled, pausing as he pulled out a new pair of socks that he picked up in one of the novelty shops you’d stopped in.
There were little landmarks embroidered into the top of each sock, silly cartoon versions that made Joe laugh the second he saw them in the shop.
“Can I wear these?” He asked, holding them up with a goofy grin.
“I don’t see why not.” You held your hand out for the socks. “What do you think?”
Joe moved next to you, sliding his hand over the middle of your back as he looked down at his outfit for the night.
“Perfect.” He nodded. “Where’s your outfit?”
“I’ll put it together while you’re in the shower.” You moved from under his touch, walking to your suitcase as you cleared your throat. “You should get on that, by the way, we’re running on a tight schedule.”
Joe paused, looking at you as you began to rifle through your clothes.
His brow furrowed as he noticed the shift in your attitude.
Gone was the girl from earlier, the one who leaned into him with a warm laugh every time he made a joke. The light, calm, happy attitude you possessed while walking with him on the streets of Paris was gone in a flash, replaced by the sharp, quick version that he was used to seeing over the years. He lifted his hand, brushing over his jaw with a sharp inhale as you looked up at him.
“Joe, seriously, you need to start moving.” You said. “We can’t be late-”
“What’s wrong?” Joe asked as you stood up, cursing under your breath and closing your eyes. “Don’t do that.”
“Do what?” You quipped, shrugging your shoulders as you dropped your toiletry bag on your side of the bed. “I’m just getting everything together.”
“Don’t pretend that you didn’t switch personalities the second we walked into this bedroom.” He frowned. “We were fine out there, so what changed?”
“This is work.” The way you said it drove Joe mad, the nonchalant tone of your voice pricking at a sensitive spot in his heart. “I know you keep forgetting, but I'm working. I have to make sure you get to your event on time, especially after the radio this morning.”
“We’ll get there.” He said softly, watching your face twist. “I promise we won’t be late, okay?”
“We will be if you don’t get in the shower.” You said. “Don’t make me strip you down and shove you in there myself.”
“Kinky.” He snorted out a laugh, shaking his head.
“It won’t be fun for you.” You raised a brow. “I’ll make sure the water is cold, so it might get real awkward for you.”
Joe laughed again watching as a small sliver of amusement lit up your face before shifting back. The version of you that was slowly stealing his heart was still there, just hidden behind a steel door with about a thousand locks on it.
“Things don’t have to be different, you know?” He mumbled. “You can still be you when you’re working.”
“I really can’t.” You avoided his gaze, looking down at a necklace you were trying to untangle. “I need to separate the two if…if things-”
“I don’t want you to.” He interrupted. “I want you, just as you are.”
“Joe, we’ll talk about this later.” You sighed, turning your attention back to the tangled necklace in your hand.
Joe exhaled sharply, moving towards you as you tried your best to focus your shaking fingers on the knot in your necklace. He stopped next to you, fingers gently sliding over your jaw. Your breath hitched, and your fingers stopped working as he turned your face towards him.
He didn’t look like the same silly version of Joe from a few minutes ago. His face was relaxed, but there was still a small crease between his brows. His eyes were warm, but there was something in them that told you whatever he was about to say was serious.
“We won’t be late.” His thumb caressed the apple of your cheek. “I don’t want you to have another panic attack because you’re worried. I promise to get in the shower and to behave, but I need you to promise me something in return.”
“What?” You didn’t even bother arguing with him or scolding him for taking up more of your time.
“Promise me that you’ll tell me if it’s too much tonight.” His eyes flicked down to your mouth, then back up to your eyes. “This is work, sure, but it’s supposed to be fun too.”
“Joe-”
“Promise me?” He leaned closer, his thumb resting gently on your jaw as he held your face in place.
“I promise.” Your head tilted back slightly, like you were expecting him to press his lips to yours in a kiss you’d been dying to feel for days now. “I promise.”
“Good girl.” He leaned closer, and your breath hitched in your throat as you waited. “I’ll be quick.”
Your eyes closed as Joe pressed a soft, tender kiss to your forehead, his left hand coming out to squeeze your hip before he pulled away. You opened your eyes, frustrated that he didn’t give into temptation like you wanted him to. His thumb rubbed over your jaw one more time before he walked away, not bothering to look back as you stood there in shock.
The necklace was long forgotten, still tangled in your shaking hands as you heard the water cut on in the other room.
**********
When you heard the water shut off in the bathroom, your heart rate picked up.
Joe was about to come back in the room for his clothes, and you were still spiraling as you tried to get your act together. You were determined to stay in work mode until you made it back to the hotel room later that night, but Joe’s sudden display of concern and affection had you in a tizzy.
You were in such a daze that you originally pulled out the sleep set with the little shorts like you were going to bed again. You quickly stuffed them away when you heard the door open, Joe’s feet padding down the hallway until he appeared in the doorway. An extremely concerning noise flew out of you when your eyes landed on his bare chest, water droplets falling from his hair as he clutched his towel in one hand.
The freckles dotted along his skin combined with the little rivulets of water had your mouth watering. The damp thatch of hair on his chest looked divine, and you desperately wanted to run your fingers through it.
“Where are your clothes?” You slapped your hand over your eyes, turning your body around as Joe snorted out a laugh. “This isn’t funny!”
“Ace, the important bits are covered.” He said through laughter. “I just forgot to grab something to change into before I went in, sorry.”
“This is so inappropriate.” You groaned, shoulders slumping. “I would have brought you a pair of boxers or something.”
“You’ve seen me shirtless a million times.” He stood on his side of the bed, watching as you tried to regain composure on the opposite side of the room. “I’ve been almost naked in front of you before, remember the -”
“Do not bring up the forgive me lord scene right now.” You hissed out, turning around with your hand still over your eyes. “I am begging.”
“This sounds strangely familiar.” He bit back a laugh, failing miserably.
You hoped he could see the glare you were giving him from behind your hand.
“I need to get in the shower.” You grumbled.
“How are you going to do that with your eyes closed?” You could hear the smirk in his tone, even with your eyes closed.
“I’ll figure it out.” You grumbled, slowly bending your knees and running your hands across the bed until you found your toiletry bag. “Just put some clothes on so I can fix your hair when I get out, okay?”
“You’re going to hurt yourself.” He was definitely rolling his eyes at you. “Just drop your hand.”
“Are you still damp?” You waved in his general direction with your free hand, frowning.
“Damp?” He sounded offended by your choice of words. “My hair is still wet, so yeah, a little.”
“I don’t need to see that right now.” You shook your head. “Just move out of the way and I’ll figure it out.”
You grabbed your toiletry bag and a pair of comfy clothes to change into after your shower so you could do both yours and Joe’s hair before you left. You still had to put your makeup on in case you ended up in the background of any pictures from the night.
“C’mere.” Joe’s hands wrapped around your sides, settling in the dip of your waist under your ribcage as he stood behind you. “I’ll guide you.”
You giggled when he flexed his fingers, squirming in his grasp.
“That tickles, Joe.” You groaned as your toiletry bag hit the floor, his fingers digging into your sides deeper. “Seriously!”
In a matter of seconds, the energy in the room changed.
Hinging at the hips, you reached for your toiletry bag on the floor between your feet. Joe sucked in air through his teeth behind you, cursing as his fingers flexed against your sides to keep you still in front of him. It dawned on you that he was semi-hard underneath the towel, and your ass pressing against him was only making matters worse. You felt like the air had been knocked out of your chest as you stood up, pressing harder into his front as he groaned out.
“Jesus.” He cursed, doing his best to stay still behind you. “Ace-”
“I am so sorry.” You whispered, turning around in his arms as you tried to bite back a laugh. “I didn’t mean to, I swear-”
Joe’s hand came up to cup the side of your face, the other holding steady against your side as he backed you into the wall. You gasped when he tilted your head up with his thumb like he had done earlier, lowering his face down until your breath mingled, the sweet scent of toothpaste and mouthwash crowding your senses.
“You need to get in the shower.” He brushed his thumb over your bottom lip as he dropped his forehead to yours. “Like now, before we both do something you’re gonna be pissed at me for later.”
“I-”
“Seriously.” He closed his eyes, inhaling sharply. “Go.”
“Okay.”
Joe didn’t move, and neither did you.
His thumb pulled at your bottom lip again as he opened his eyes, and you realized that the green in his eyes was brighter than you’d ever seen before. Something came over you, a confidence that you’d never experienced before that was urging you to slide your tongue over the calloused pad of his thumb. Joe’s eyes darkened as he watched you close your lips around the digit, gently hollowing out your cheeks before pulling back with a soft pop. You stared back at him through your lashes as he rested his thumb on your bottom lip again.
Your palms rested on his chest, slowly dragging your fingers down his pecks to his stomach as you pressed up on your toes to kiss his cheek, dangerously close to the corner of his perfect mouth.
“I’ll be quick.” You whispered, gently pushing against him to create space for you to slide out from between his body and the wall.
You grabbed your toiletry bag off the floor and practically sprinted towards the bathroom, shutting the door behind you and flicking the lock as your heart pounded against your ribcage. You felt like you’d just run a mile, your chest heaving as you realized what you had just done.
So much for keeping professional during work events.
🚿🚿🚿🚿
When you crept out of the bathroom after your shower, in comfy clothes covering you from wrist to ankle, Joe was halfway dressed with his hair dried and styled the same way you always did it for him when it was short. He was leaning against the headboard, playing with his phone when you stopped at the threshold of the bedroom door. A silly thought passed through your head as you realized you’d been robbed of a chance to stand between his legs while running your fingers through his hair.
It was a ridiculous thought, so you pushed it to the back of your mind and snapped into work mode as you looked over his outfit for any missing pieces.
“You’re not fully dressed.” You cleared your throat, pulling his attention from his phone.
“I’m dressed.” He swung his legs over, resting his feet on the floor as you crossed your arms over your chest. “I just needed help with my belt.”
You blinked, watching as he reached for the piece of leather as if that was a completely normal thing to say to your assistant. He stood up, looping it through the belt loops on his trousers, his feet moving closer to you as you stood there.
“You don’t seriously need help with your belt, do you?” You asked, swallowing around the dryness in your throat.
“I do.” You knew by the way he glanced up at you with those wide, bambi like eyes that he wasn’t fucking with you. “I can’t get the clasp right, so I just waited for you.”
“Right.” You nodded. “Come here.”
Joe stopped in front of you, the scent of his cologne wrapping around you like a warm hug on a beautiful summer day. He paused, looking down at you as you reached forward to tuck the tail of his dress shirt into the waistband of his pants.
“How was your shower?” He asked, voice soft and cautious.
“Good.” You nodded, reaching for the button on his pants.
Your knuckles brushed over the soft pouch of his tummy as you buttoned his trousers, reaching down to pull the zipper up as quickly as you possibly could so you could grab your things and run back to the bathroom to hide again.
Joe glanced up towards the ceiling as you kept your eyes trained on the metal closure on his belt, looping the leather through and notching it just tight enough that Joe’s pants wouldn’t fall down. He inhaled sharply as you reached up to make sure the front of his dress shirt was tucked in properly.
“You did your hair.” You slid your palms up his chest, dusting your fingers over his shoulders as if you were fixing wrinkles in the fabric. “You could have waited.”
“I think I’ve pushed your limits enough for one day.” He smirked, staring down at you as your cheeks burned. “Figured I’d give you a break.”
“Thanks.” You muttered. “I just need to get dressed, do my hair and makeup, and then we can go.”
“I’ll help.” He said. “I’ll do your hair while you do your makeup.”
“You don’t have to do that.” You shook your head, sidestepping around him to grab your dress, tights, and undergarments from the bed. “I’ll be done in like, twenty minutes.”
“Please let me help?” He asked, brows creasing. “I promise I know how to curl hair.”
“I know you can do it.” You offered him a gentle smile, and he pushed his bottom lip out into a pout. “Fine, you can help.”
Joe’s pout turned into a grin as you rolled your eyes.
With a roll of your eyes, you made your way to the bathroom, shutting the door quietly. The dress you’d picked out wasn’t designer, but still a little expensive for your normal taste. It was a velvet, navy blue dress with no sleeves that fell just above your knees. It was a stiffer material, but you’d tried it on in the store and a few times at home before deciding to pack it. The color matched Joe’s suit, but the fabric and style was strong enough to stand on its own in a room full of designer clothing should you get pulled away while he was interviewing.
The tights you picked were a sheer black, just enough to keep you warm without clashing too much with the dress. You put those on first, blowing out a breath as you tried to balance on one leg while rolling them up the other. If you’d had a bathtub edge to sit on, it might not have been so difficult to get them up and over your ass and hips until they were perfectly settled just above your belly button.
You stared at yourself in the mirror for a second, resting your hands on the basin of the sink as you took in the sheer black tights and the black panties and bra that you’d decided on to keep things simple. You had to admit that you looked good, though. You’d seen this play out a million times in movies before, but you never thought you would be standing here in your tights, half naked while a beautiful man stood in the other room waiting on you to get dressed.
Add in a pair of ridiculously high heels and you might as well be in the beginning of a porno. That made you snort out a laugh, shaking your head as you blew out a breath between pursed lips. If anything, Joe was the seductive and sexy one out of the pair of you. Sure, you were cute, but you’d never really thought of yourself as sexy before now.
Just as you reached for your dress hanging up on the back of the door, a soft knock echoed through the bathroom. Your heart jumped in your chest, and you reached for the doorknob without second thought, twisting and pulling it open like you weren’t standing there practically naked in front of your boss.
Joe’s hands were pressed against his hips, his head ducked low as he muttered under his breath, like he was giving himself a little pep talk. It knocked the air out of your lungs when he looked up, his jaw clenching as his eyes trailed from yours down your body. You felt his gaze like they were his hands, softly touching all of the parts of you that had been neglected for far too long.
“Jesus.” He let out a breathy laugh, reaching up to run his hand over his mouth as you looked down in realization. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“What do you-”
Before you could finish your sentence, Joe’s hands were on your waist, pushing you against the bathroom wall with a soft thud. Your hands found purchase on his sides, gripping the fabric of his dress shirt as he lowered his head to the crook of your neck, inhaling sharply like he was trying to memorize your scent.
“You’re driving me insane.” His thumbs were warm as they traced under your bra, sliding across the soft skin of your ribcage. “This is diabolical, you know that?”
“I forgot I wasn’t dressed.” You pressed your lips together to hide your smile as he lifted his head to glare at you, no malice in his soft, hazel eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“You’re not sorry.” His right hand came up, cupping your jaw and tangling in the hair at the nape of your neck. “I’m starting to think that you enjoy telling me that I have to wait and then testing my patience to see if I can actually do it.”
“Joe.” You whispered, sliding your hand up from his side to rest on his chest, your palm flat against his heart. “I promise I’m not trying to torture you.”
“Fuck, I love when you say my name like that.” He groaned, eyes squeezing shut as his forehead fell to yours. “I could listen to it on repeat, over and over like my favorite song.”
“You practically do.” You snorted out a soft laugh. “Is that why you’re always pushing my buttons? To hear me say your name?”
“A gentleman never reveals his secrets.” Joe lifted his head, looking down at you for one more second before dropping his hands to take a step back. “We need to get you dressed.”
“Yeah, we do.” You agreed, brows pulling together in the middle at the sudden change in his mood.
Gone was the lustful, yearning version of Joe.
It was replaced by the normal version of Joe, his hands pulling your dress from the hanger as you stood there with your back against the wall, practically naked.
Your stomach churned a little as you crossed your arms over your front, doing your best to hide your mid section from Joe as he lowered the zipper on the back of your dress. He turned back with a grin that quickly fell when he saw you closing in on yourself, wrapped up and hiding the parts of you he was just admiring moments ago. You felt your cheeks burn and you nodded your head towards the dress in his hands.
“I can put it on, I just need you to zip it.” You said softly, reaching one hand out for the garment as his brows furrowed. “What?”
“Don’t hide yourself from me.” He held the dress in one hand, pulling it back slightly as he reached out to take your hand with the other. “You look perfect.”
“I’m half naked and cold.” You lied. “Just give me the dress so we can finish and get out of here.”
“You do remember that I just pushed you against a wall like, less than a minute ago because I thought you looked that hot.” He said, chin tilting down and a confused smirk on his face. “Tell me you know that you’re beautiful.”
“Joe-”
“Ace, you know that I think you’re beautiful, right?” He asked, gripping your hand tighter in his own as you swallowed around the lump in your throat. “Oh, angel.”
He pulled you against him, and he dropped a soft kiss to your cheek.
“I don’t have enough time to show you just how beautiful I think you are, but please know that I mean it when I say that.” He kissed your other cheek before pressing one to the tip of your nose. “Now lift your arms up so I can get this dress on you.”
“I can put the dress on.” You grumbled, lifting your arms up anyways.
Joe chuckled, shaking his head as he pulled the fabric down your body, smoothing it out with warm palms before spinning you around until he was met with the zipper again. You looked up to the ceiling as you felt his knuckle ghost over the bare skin of your back, slowly tracing the curve of your spine until he reached the bottom of the zipper, just above the curve of your ass. Your breath hitched in your throat when you felt his lips press to the top of your spine. He had the zipper pulled up seconds later, his right hand pulling you back into his chest as he ducked down to kiss the side of your neck, just below your ear.
“Perfect.”
You bit back a moan, dropping your head against his shoulder.
“Don’t get too comfy.” He chuckled. “I still have to fix your hair.”
“Right.” You whispered, eyes still closed. “Let’s do that.”
Joe pulled you over to the sink, chuckling at the soft pout jutting out your bottom lip. He pressed a kiss to the back of your head, reaching over to plug your curling iron into the adapter and then the wall. You started to fiddle around with your makeup, working on each part as quickly as you could while Joe separated your hair, clipping away sections until he was satisfied.
You’d seen him style other people’s hair, always attentive to how hard he was raking his fingers through the strands or moving things around. He did his best to learn each of his friend’s personal styles, giving out trims on tour like he was a trained hairstylist. You’d never let him do yours, but with the way he was working behind you, you wouldn’t mind letting him touch up your hair if he needed to.
“You’re good at this.” You whispered, looking back at his concentrated face in the mirror as he wrapped a strand of hair around the barrel of the curling iron. “I bet you’re gonna be an amazing girl dad.”
Joe paused, lowering the curling iron as his eyes shot up to catch yours in the mirror. You continued putting your concealer on, like you didn’t just say the one thing that could bring him to his knees right now. He could picture it so clearly, a beautiful little girl with your eyes and his crooked grin, smiling back at him in the mirror while he styled her hair for school. His imagination ran wild, heart pounding as a new emotion swelled in his chest
He’d thought about his future before, sure, but he could never really see it this clear. You didn’t seem to notice the impact of what you said, glancing back at him in the mirror to see why he’d stopped working on your hair. You found him beaming, a smile so bright that it rivaled the rays of the summer sun.
“What?” You asked, putting the applicator back in the tube. “You okay?”
“I’m great.” He said softly. “Just got lost in a daydream, that’s all.”
He went back to doing your hair, that goofy grin still plastered on his face.
When your makeup was finished, and your hair had been fussed over by Joe for about five minutes after styling, you both made your way back to the bedroom for your coats and shoes. You grabbed your shoes, a pair of slingback kitten heels with little jewels in the shape of a square resting on the front to bring out the jewelry that you’d slipped on while Joe put on his cologne.
He reached for your hand as you walked towards the elevator like it was natural, and you allowed it, sliding your fingers through his as he pressed the button.
“First time we’ll be in the elevator alone.” You teased, bumping your hips against Joe as he laughed, shaking his head. “What do you think we did to deserve this?”
“It was probably because you gave twenty euros to the guy playing his violin outside that cafe.” He smirked down at you, squeezing your hand. “Good karma.”
When you finally made it to the first floor, you noticed that Pierre was still working at the desk, a bright smile taking over your face as you walked over.
“Pierre!” You exclaimed. “You weren’t kidding when you said the view was amazing in that room. Thank you so much for that.”
“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” He smiled, looking between you and Joe. “You look wonderful, both of you.”
“Thanks, man.” Joe slid his hand over your hip, keeping you close.
“I wanted to call you earlier, but I wasn’t sure you were in.” Pierre looked back at you. “A room opened up, one with the same view and your own bed.”
Your heart sunk in your chest as you looked back at Joe.
Did you want your space, now that you and Joe were getting closer?
Pierre waited for your answer, and you felt Joe’s fingers loosen against your side, like he was giving you space to come up with the answer without his influence. It only took a few seconds for you to gather up the courage to give Pierre a smile, shaking your head at his offer.
“You know what, I’m really happy with our room.” You said softly. “Besides, it would be a pain to move all that stuff over anyways.”
Pierre gave you a knowing look, quickly glancing at Joe before turning his attention back to you with a curt nod.
“If you should change your mind, let me know.” He said softly. “Enjoy your night.”
You let out a breath of relief, turning towards the entrance of the hotel as Joe walked beside you. You could practically feel his eyes in the back of your head, and you just knew he was grinning from ear to ear.
“You’re happy where you are?” He asked as you stood outside, waiting for the car to pull up.
“Shut up.” You bit back a smile, glancing over at him. “Don’t let that go to your head.”
“Gonna be hard not to.” He shrugged, looking out towards the street. “The prettiest girl in Paris just said she’s happy to be sharing a bed with me.”
You rolled your eyes, moving to stand in front of him.
“You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” You lifted your hand, brushing it over his shoulder. “But to answer your question, yeah, I’m happy where I am.”
The sound of Paris moving around you faded out as you looked into Joe’s eyes, the soft hazel twinkling with the lights of the city behind you. You pressed up on your toes, as the Poppy’s speech from the day before echoed in your mind.
Joe’s hands settled on your waist, pulling you closer as he leaned down to meet you halfway. But the sound of his name being called from down the street yanked the confidence you’d built up over the last few hours out from under you. He sighed as you settled back on your feet, moving back to stand by his side.
“Later.”
Joe groaned, and you laughed as the car pulled up in front of you.
“I’m taking that as a promise.” He grumbled.
“I meant it as one.” You chuckled as he reached for the door. “Just a few more hours.”
“I hate my job.” He pulled it open, blowing out an exasperated breath.
When Joe shut the door, leaving you alone with your thoughts for just a minute, you realized the weight of the word later.
Whatever happened, you just hoped that you could make it out the other side with both your heart and your career in one piece.
The hospital room was cold, gator on the chair next to your bed knee bouncing anxiously.
“I can’t believe we’re here” you whisper keeping your eyes on the door waiting for the doctor.
“Fuck, i know” gator exhaled but he smiled softly at you, he couldn’t pretend he didn’t feel scared sat in one of these rooms again after all of these years.
The ultrasound technician entered the room, both of you turning towards her as she smiled.
“Hey! Let’s check on this baby!” She stood next to the bed, going over your details with you, your heart was racing answering the simple questions. “When was your last menstrual cycle?” Oh shit, the one thing you couldn’t answer. Not just because you had no idea but because your brain was basically mush at this moment in time.
“I- I can’t..” you turned towards gator who looked disgusted at the question.
“That’s okay! That’s what today’s for” she smiled, giving your hand a gentle squeeze sensing your nerves “we will check the baby over, give you a potential due date but dont rely on that! These babies do as they please” you laugh, she was kind, reassuring.
“I’m just gonna..” she lifted your shirt slightly to uncover your stomach, still as flat as it had always been “cold gel”
Gators hand reached out holding onto yours, thumb brushing over it reassuringly. You watched as she picked up the ultrasound wand before walking towards you smiling softly.
“Ready?”
“Ready” you exhaled.
“You might feel some pressure, baby also might not be big enough to see with this one yet..but we will try”
She turned the screen towards you both and really all you could see was black and white static, Gator leaned forward in his seat to get a better look. You watched the image change as she moved the wand around against your stomach before it stilled.
Your eyes moving from the screen back to the technician, eyebrows furrowed but she was smiling.
“There’s your baby”
And just as she said it, it all made sense. You could make out the perfect shape of your baby.
“Look at tha!” Gator cooed as he smiled at the screen, turning towards you smiling. Your breath hitched in your throat as your eyes scanned the screen. A baby, yours and gators baby. The baby that was currently moving about on the screen, little legs kicking around inside you that you couldn’t yet feel.
Relief washed over you, it was okay. The baby was okay. You exhaled as you turned towards gator “it’s okay” it came out barely above a whisper but gator was nodding at you smiling. You could feel the tears burning in your eyes, the worry of everything finally settling.
You lay back relaxed against the bed as the technician kept moving the wand, finally feeling like you could breath for the first time in days.
“Our baby” gator exhaled as he wiped at his nose, you weren’t sure if he was crying the room was too dark. You gave his hand a reassuring squeeze as he let out a breathy laugh.
The technician had been quiet for a few minutes, your eyes watching the screen but gators chest tightened. He’d done this before, he knew the first scan didn’t take long at all. An in and out job.
“Everythin okay?”
She smiled at him softly as she nodded.
“Just taking some measurements, give me a minute and ill explain to you both”
Your chest tightened, eyes searching gators but they didn’t offer you any reassurance. The smile that was just on his lips now an anxious frown.
You both sit in silence, watching as your baby wriggled around on the screen but the silence of the room was deafening.
She turned the screen closer to you both as she pulled up one of the images.
“So from today i can confirm the gestation of the pregnancy is seventeen weeks” your eyes widened as you looked at her, seventeen weeks? How did you miss that?
Gators eyes were equally as wide as he looked at you, a laugh falling from him that made you laugh too.
“Fuckin missed the whole first trimester!”
“I- i thought i was way earlier” you laughed in disbelief.
“A nice surprise i expect!” She smiled at you both. “But I do need to talk to you both about something”
You nod as you look at her, worry’s settling in your chest again. Gators hand squeezing at yours once again.
“The measurement of the baby are below average for seventeen weeks”
“So how’d ya know she’s seventeen weeks?” Gator asked as he looked at her confused “Makes no sense” he scoffed.
“The uterus is measuring seventeen weeks, the baby is measuring slightly behind that” she spoke softly, too softly. The type of soft that you knew came with bad news.
“Is the baby okay?” You asked softly, scared to hear her answer but needing to know.
“Today i can confirm the baby is moving around perfectly, there’s a heartbeat present and everything structurally looks okay for the size its measuring” she smiled reassuringly at you both “the next steps will be passing you over to a specialist to keep an eye on the pregnancy, growth and development scans. The positive is you get to see a lot more of your baby” she added.
Gator exhaled rubbing his hand over his face, you looked over at him.
“So ya can’t tell us if it’s okay?” He asked, you could see the tension building in him by the way his jaw was tensing as he looked over at her. “We dont know what’s goin on with it?”
“That’s right, we need to keep an eye on things. But as you can see, baby looks happy enough in there!” She smiled before wiping the gel off your stomach.
A tear rolled down your cheek as you looked at the picture still frozen on the screen, gators hand moving to your face straight away.
“Hey, ya heard her. Baby’s happy” he wiped the tear away smiling softly, but you couldn’t see the worry in his eyes too.
~
“Seventeen weeks” gator exhaled as you both sat in the car, not driving just sat still. The ultrasound photo in your hands as you looked down at it. “It’s really happening”
“Is it?” You sighed as you placed the ultrasound down onto gators lap, watching as he quickly placed it on his dashboard where you could both see it.
“Oh it’s happenin pretty girl, look at it” he pointed towards the photo smiling “an its gonna keep happenin, its strong like mama”
“Are you scared?” You whispered as you looked over at him, he half smiled at you.
“A little” your chest ached, if gator was admitting he was scared maybe there really was something to be worried about.
“Me too” you wiped the tears away from your eyes before they had chance to fall, silence fell in the car. Neither of you having anything to say to reassure the other. But gator knew he had to try, his silence in this moment wouldn’t help anyone.
“Tha doctor didn’t say anythin was wrong, jus small”
“But it shouldn’t be” your head was filling with thoughts, was this your fault? Was it the drinking? The stress? The not eating? “I keep thinking maybe if we knew sooner this wouldnt have happened, id have taken more care of myself”
“Hey, this isn’t your fault” he held onto your hand softly, eyes locking with yours like he was promising you “i dont blame ya, the doctor dont either”
You nod before looking back down at your hands, trying to stay positive felt hard right now when you had no answers.
“Ya know what i keep thinkin bout?” You looked back towards him, the smirk on his lips.
“What?”
“I swear tha baby was wavin at us” your eyes widen as you look at him “i swear pretty girl i saw it happen”
You laugh as you look at him, gator grinned at finally making you laugh lightening the situation.
“It was just wriggling around gator!” You laugh.
“Nah, saw it. Waved hello” he started laughing too now “fuck..were havin a fuckin baby”
You looked back over at the ultrasound, the tiny baby you already worried for before it even arrived. Right now, the baby was real. It was happening.
“Ya know what else?”
you turn back towards him eyebrows furrowed wondering what was about to come out of his mouth this time.
“I fuckin love it already” your heart fluttered away in your chest as you looked at him “dont matter if its measuring big, small, or fuckin scarin us silly” you let out a laugh through your tears “we got this, mama”
Gators fingers wrapped around yours before he pulled your hand up to his lips kissing your hand gently. “We got this, together”.
You smiled at him softly, for once believing him.
~
“So should we tell Dollie? I mean, she already knows about it apparently” you scoff as you look over at gator who hasn’t really spoken much since getting home.
“What ya thinks best? I’ll follow ya lead” he looked up at you and you could see the worry still present in his eyes, you wished you could fix it. Wish you had the answers for how things were going to work out but you couldn’t, it was just a waiting game for now.
“I think we should wait” you whisper as you sit down next to him on the sofa, hand resting against his thigh “i dont want to make her happy then have to rip it away from her” you sigh.
“Hey, enough of that” gators arm wraps around you, pulling you into him “there’s gonna be no ripping anything away okay?” His hands rested against your cheeks as he looked at you. “Let’s wait till the next appointment then make that decision”
“Okay” you nodded, giving him a slight smile.
“Worrying ya self sick ain’t gonna change it mama”
“I’m just scared”
“Me too” gators face moved closer “but its gonna work out”
“What if you’re wrong?” You asked as you searched his eyes for answers, the warmth of his breath hitting your face.
“Then m’wrong” You laugh at his honesty, slapping his thigh.
Gator smiled at you as you laughed, swallowing hard as his chest filled with butterflies. His gaze flicking down to your lips before moving back up to your eyes. You could feel your heart beat through your chest, neither of you spoke. Gators hand moving from your cheek to brush a piece of stray hair behind your ear, You smile softly at him. His eyes now half lidded as he looked into yours before moving forward slowly, giving you every chance to pull back and tell him no. But you didn’t.
You leaned towards him meeting half way as your lips pressed against each others softly, like both of you were waiting for the other to pull away. Your hand holding onto the front of gators shirt, his resting against your cheek as he deepened the kiss. Still soft, still slow but passionate. You broke the kiss pulling away slowly, letting your forehead rest against his.
“See?” He whispered as he looks at you, his nose gently nudging against yours “told ya everythin would be okay. Jus gotta trust me, pretty girl”
~
Gator stood in the kitchen making dinner for Dollie while you were sat at the table going over the notes the doctor gave you, rereading every part of it. All of the small details you wanted to remember if anything did go wrong.
“Daddy?” Dollie wrapped her arms around his legs, gator looked down at her soft smile on his face.
“Why does mama look sad?” She pulled her bunny up under her nose as she inhaled the familiar scent of her best friend.
Gator placed the sandwich onto the plate as he sighed, kids pick up on so much more than you’d expect them to.
“Why’d ya think she’s sad?” He asked as he crouched down to her level.
“She’s doing a sad smile” gators heart broke as he looked at her, he knew exactly the smile she was talking about.
“She’s just.. got a lot on her mind Dollie girl” he smiled softly, holding onto her hands as he looked at her “adult things, nothin ta worry about”
“Is it monsters?” She gasped as she looked at him, Gator laughed as he looked away from her.
“No, not monsters baby” he pulled her closer placing a kiss to her forehead, his own breath catching in his throat.
“Maybe she needs bunny” Dollie sighed as she held bunny out towards gator to show him “i can share him”
“Ya wanna share him?” Gators eyes widened, that bunny was her prized possession.
“No, but bunny makes people happy” she smiled “Or we could give her some kisses”
“Kisses?” Gator asks as he looks at her confused, Dollie nods as she looks at him.
“I see mama kiss you when your sad”
“When?” Gator scoffed, eyes wide as he looks down at her. Never once had he kissed you in front of her, as far as Dollie was aware you were just her mama and daddy who lived together. Dollie giggled as she looked at him, making a blush creep across his cheeks.
“I could make her a picture daddy”
“That sounds amazin baby” gator smiled before pinching her cheek softly “love ya”
“Love you, daddy” she giggled as she grabbed her sandwich before making her way upstairs to get started on your picture.
Gator exhaled as he stood back up, looking over to where you sat at the table. Heart hurting with how sad you looked, nothing he could do to make it better.
He pushed a plate across the table towards you, He’d never made you food before, it was only a sandwich but it was something.
“Eat, pretty girl”
“I’m no-“
“Eat, need ta keep ya energy up”
I really hope you like this one, I know for a lot of you it might not be an interesting side to the story but I think it would be cute to see how they deal with this sort of thing together. I don’t know, love u 🫶🏻
andulkaphoto
origamiaround
theartofmadeline
jbbartram-illu
tangentwithtanner
germansingergirl
