censorious

day-to-day life and a lot of ranting

[summersweeet]

via weheartit

[censorious-me]

Have you ever heard someone’s pain and heartbreak and just wanted to protect them? I saw the look on his face. I wanted to reach across the table and grab his hand or get up and put my arms around him and tell him I would never hurt him. I think that’s when I felt that I would really care for him. 

I just kept thinking, oh my god, I’m going to fall in love with him. And he didn’t feel that about me, and he never will. I was special but not that special.

[censorious-me]

I’ve been living in this sad haze. I’m not motivated to do anything anymore. I wish I could live alone so that I could just be alone all the time. And at the same time, I want company from friends so that I can be distracted from my life. Been feeling like a failure in all aspects of my life. Even though I have a bunch of job interviews lined up, it’s hard for me to feel confident in any of them. The job I have now isn’t full-time so I’m desperate to feel fulfilled. I stopped going to the gym - I let go of weightlifting even though it actually made me happy, and now I can’t bring myself to do it. I don’t want a serious relationship right now, but I’d say it’s mostly because I’m just scared of the risks of getting hurt. But also I’m so cynical and pessimistic and find it hard to believe I can truly fall in love with someone who is truly in love with me. It’s not actually that hard to find people, but there will always be imbalances. Someone always cares more.

[censorious-me]

(via https://open.spotify.com/track/0s3nnoMeVWz3989MkNQiRf?si=PtFc44GFT_2bibI5XyKLUg)

When I first listened to this song, I didn’t really listen. Now, sometimes I skip this song on my playlist because it makes me too sad.

[censorious-me]

Never be satisfied

There’s a fine line between wanting to change because you want to be better and reach your goals versus wanting to change because you’re so unhappy with yourself. Sometimes I’m not even sure what the difference is. 

I don’t want to hate myself into being a better person. That kind of mindset tells you that you’re never good enough. It tells you that you won’t achieve happiness until you do xyz. And once you achieve whatever goal you set, it’ll never be enough because other people have achieved that goal. So you have to continue to strive for goals that less and less people have achieved so that you feel like you’re special. 

A phrase that people use as a motivator is, “Never be satisfied”. I was raised on this idea, and my parents drilled it into my head. But never being satisfied can mean never acknowledging your accomplishments. Never being happy. Never feeling good about yourself. Growing up, nothing was ever good enough. Once I recognized that I was doing well, it came across like I was complacent. So I was put down so that I knew I’d never be as good as the best person out there. 

I don’t support complacency. But is it complacency when you’re happy with the amount of money you make? Is it complacency if you’re happy with your body? Why can’t I be satisfied with where I am in life without that being translated into being complacent or giving up or being miserable. I’m not saying I am satisfied with my life. Honestly, I know it will take a lot of time for me to feel that way. I’m in a perpetual cycle of not feeling good enough. But you can feel good about yourself and your life and still want to grow as a person and reach new goals. You can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you’re beautiful and still be working on your fitness goals. You can still want a promotion while being comfortable with your salary. You don’t have to hate your life to make changes.

I know that down the line I won’t look back and wish I had been more stressed. Does anybody die wishing that they made more money? Worked more hours? Does anybody wish they were thinner or prettier? I will never look back and say, $50k wasn’t a good enough starting salary, I wish I switched fields to make more money. I will never look back and say, all of that time comparing my downfalls to others’ success was worth it. I’m going to say, who the fuck cares about all of that? I’m going to wish that I had let myself be happy. 

[blogut]

She was a compulsive pessimist, always looking for the soft brown spot in the fruit, pressing so hard she created it.

Amy Waldman | The Submission (via creatingaquietmind)

[summernightsdream]

Ig: Jule.popule

[censorious-me]

JM

I don’t want to be with him out of loneliness. In fact, I’ve been fine without him. I could continue not talking to him, not interacting with him all and be okay; I wouldn’t regret it. And I’ll find someone else eventually. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t holding on to someone out of fear of being alone. 

Knowing this, I can choose to let go, and I’ll probably save myself from future pain. Yeah, I won’t be happy with him again, but I’ll be emotionally neutral. At least I won’t be heartbroken. 

But something in me is telling me to look back at why it was so hard to let go in the first place. There’s a lot of words I can use to describe our relationship and my feelings towards him. He and I together... It’s special. I knew it the first day we met. We clicked and I felt this comfort. We met a month ago and have spent only about a week’s worth of time together. But it feels like we’ve known each other for so long, and we’ve even talked about this. I think we both know this is something different. During the time we spent together, I was so happy. No matter what we did, I was happy. He and I were always laughing, but we also shared some of the most personal parts of our lives. 

He said that the theme of our relationship is “wish we had more time”. That’s how it felt every time we had to leave each other. No matter how much time we had spent with each other (one day it was 12 hours straight), it was never enough. When he had to leave for school, we kept saying we wish we had met earlier. That’s why we were so confident that we would have such a good weekend if I visited him. But I got scared, and after telling him my concerns, he got scared, too.

I was considering coming for Labor Day weekend, and we’d spend 4 days straight together, 24/7. We’d have so much fun - we’d become closer, get to know each other more, actually get to have a physical relationship. It was exciting to think about. But then we would be so sad when it came time for me to leave. I’m confident that we’d still wish we had more time. It would be so hard to say goodbye, and then it would be this cycle every time I came to visit, which wouldn’t be that often. Except it’d be worse each time because we’d just get closer and closer. That’s why I wanted to end our relationship.

I looked at all of this and shaped it in my head to be a bad thing. But ever since we talked, I started thinking differently. He just thought we would have a good time and that was it. And that’s how I should have been thinking. Not about the future, which is impossible to predict. I should have looked at our happiness as a good thing. It’s a good thing to feel SO happy, it’s hard to walk away. We should spend time with people who make it hard to say goodbye because it just means what we have is valuable. Honestly, the only people I’m willing to spend that much time with are my longtime, closest friends.. He and I met a month ago, spent so little time together, and yet I already know that 4 days together is not enough. That’s crazy, and I want to treasure what we have because I know it’s unique. I’m not that comfortable with anyone else I’ve known for just a month. Now I just wanna say... Fuck it. I should just let myself be happy, I should spend time with someone who makes me happy. That’s what I really want, and fuck being so worried and pessimistic about the future.

[censorious-me]

Man this song gives me the feels

[censorious-me]

Even though I really love sad songs, I don’t listen to them anymore because I get into this depressing headspace that I can’t get out of. I’m just never in the mood to be that sad. I was walking back home from the gym and decided to play my normal playlist on shuffle, not my usual “gym hype” playlist. What You Know by Two Door Cinema Club came on, and it’s not even truly universally sad, but I just got so sad about my entire life. When he kept singing, “You don’t want to be alone”, I was like, shit. Yeah. I’m so lonely. And it’s 1am, and I’m walking back home alone from the gym. And there weren’t that many people at the gym, and I was alone on the streets. I came back home and everyone was sleeping and it was dark. I just felt like I was so alone.

[adeles]

if this ain’t me

[guy]

@imaybeuglybutiownadog

[censorious-me]

Life updated

1. I expect so much out of myself that I landed a really cool internship and was not that excited. Sometimes I even forget about it. My expectations for myself can be so high that I fear I will never be satisfied with my accomplishments. I almost feel that if I can get a position, it must not have been that hard to get after all.

2. I have had anxiety on anxiety. And then I have anxiety thinking about how out of control my anxiety is. I’ve been told that I don’t even sleep relaxed -- my face is always tense, my brows always furrowed. My dreams at night are almost always my worst fears. It’s funny, I had a paper due and had a dream that I woke up late and couldn’t finish my paper on time. I keep waking up during the night feeling like my bad dream is real life. I need to see a therapist badly because I feel like I am imploding.

3. I am so irresponsible and burned a professional bridge. It gives me so much anxiety thinking about it that it was hard for me to fall asleep. This person was going to be my best recommendation for graduate school, my best reference for any job. Now any time I apply to a job I hesitate to put her name down because I don’t know what will happen if they contact her. I don’t even think I have the right to put her name down as a reference, and this was the biggest project I’ve ever worked on in my college career. Applying to jobs has gotten a lot harder, and I’m scared.

4. There was a guy who lived in my dorm suite freshman year of college. He works at the gym and I run into him all the time there, whether he’s working or working out (since realizing my fitness goals, I have been a frequent gym-goer). It’s a little awkward because I feel like we know each other but never got close. Made me reminisce and feel sad that we lived right next to each other but never got to know each other, and now years have passed. I wish I knew how to “ask people out” as friends LOL (with girls or guys). He glo’d the fuck up though, and I can’t help being really attracted to him, which is funny because I did think he was cute freshman year but not someone I’d pursue or anything. It makes me feel kind of guilty/weird though because I think about him randomly and I’m like ??? Ok stop being weird??? Before when I saw him at the gym I was just awkward around him because he’s also awkward but now I just feel awkward around him because I think he’s good looking..... stop. I also am applying to a job at the gym and I’m like... please be normal if you get the job goddammit you just wanna be friends!!!

5. About the gym, I am now weirdly motivated to go to the gym. If I don’t go, it doesn’t feel right. I feel guilty not going, but I also just feel like I like weightlifting. It’s part of my routine now. And I’m excited to see myself go up in weight, so I keep going. I can’t believe I’m this person now. Who am I??? When I start taking flexing pictures on Instagram in Gymshark merch, y’all know I’ve made it a LIFESTYLE.

[inkonthebody]

[labias]

[censorious-me]

Life update: Audition

I just auditioned for this comedy/performance group, and if you knew me that sounds WAY out of my league. I mean, I’ve performed a lot of music in my life, but it makes me kind of sad that I never get to show that because I get insanely nervous. And even though I’ve done some really great performances, an audition is definitely not where I excel, which frustrates me even more since I never feel like my best performance is exemplified. I’ve always been that shy, quiet girl in the corner, and that’s me to a point. But I also think anyone who knows me really well thinks of me as a jokester, and that’s how I really am.

I have pretty good instincts -- whenever I have been doubtful of an interview afterwards, I don’t get the position. If I think I did well, I get the position. I’ve never done shitty and then was surprised to see I got the position. So I’m pretty doubtful, but I think I just have to accept it and move on because there’s nothing I can change about my audition (plus they even have it on video.... which is horrible). 

One of the things that made me really nervous beforehand was that one of the interviewers was a guy I’ve written about on this very account AKA a guy I was intimate with and who sort of broke my heart (if only I could say that in the least dramatic way possible). But when I got there, I kind of thought, you know what, he’s not that great. It had been 3 years since I talked to him. But when I saw him, I wasn’t dying inside like I thought I’d be. It was such a relief almost because I was CRAZY about him. Yeah, I’m kind of embarrassed because I don’t think it was my best audition, but I’m more generally embarrassed than embarrassed because of him. I don’t know how to explain it, but in a way it gave me a kind of a closure... in the way that I realized I had put him up on a pedestal and thought he was a perfect guy, but he’s not. He doesn’t deserve all the attention I gave him. I feel like I’m content because I know who I am, and I can’t pretend that he knows me well. So even though he rejected me before, I can’t feel like I’m lacking in some way or else it’s going to keep eating at me. The audition is not who I am, and how I was with him years ago isn’t who I am. And even though I would have liked to have shown my realest self, it didn’t happen. So it’s okay!!!! (Or so I tell myself)

[kdramafeed]

[censorious-me]

Life updates:

1) Recently I’ve inspected my lower front teeth, and they are significantly worn down because I grind my teeth really badly at night. I stopped wearing my nightguard regularly for a while and now have been wearing it every night because I have baby teeth that will soon disintegrate. I would say the theme of my life is being reactive instead of being proactive.

2) I haven’t been able to stop thinking about a certain person that I shouldn’t be thinking about. Wishing I could just talk to him.

3) I’m feeling like I’m at a crossroads in my life. Also feeling extremely lonely and not sure if I have friends. Actually, I don’t think I have people that I could hit up to just hang out randomly. So I have a lot of anxiety about having no friends. 

4) Most of my jokes are Twitter material and inappropriate for any other social media platform. I don’t use Twitter. 

5) I’m suddenly inspired to make covers of songs that I love and post them on the internet. I also would love to write songs, but I don’t give myself the free time to be truly creative.

6) I’m watching The Office straight through after I used to sort of shit on it for being dry and boring. (I didn’t give it a fair chance before, but now I’m attached to Jim and Pam’s relationship. Maybe I, too, can have an office romance someday.)

7) I keep saying that these positions sound cool and that I will apply. Then I let the deadlines pass and say, “Oh, well,” because I couldn’t think of good answers to the questions on the applications. You could say my life is full of regret and missed opportunities.

8) I really want to dye my hair a dark blue again -- it was beautiful when I had it, but I dyed my hair a natural color for a professional internship. I’m at the point in my life where I’m applying to too many jobs/internships for me to take a chance with wild hair colors, so sadly, I will have to go with a natural-ish color. I’m thinking a dark, merlot red to make my newfound wild side happy and also stay semi-professional. 

9) Want to lose weight so badly but no motivation. What is new?? I mean, everyone can achieve a cut jawline if they lose enough weight, right? This is important. If I lose weight everywhere but my face, it wasn’t worth it.

10) I chopped off a lot of my hair myself because it was dry from all the dyeing and I wanted a change. I’ve had long hair for as long as I can remember, and it suits me. I think my hair length is what most people compliment me on, and now it’s short. Gg