#9.3.18

[chaossmagic]

remember when robert and aaron canonically took seb to the zoo and canonically 80% did it for the reason that they could go and make out in a quiet corner when seb was asleep in his pram

[believe-that-lunatic-fringe]

[missinvisibleandco]

"It's A Dog's Day"

Bernie, the St. Bernard, was quite warm (and exhausted) after dancing/jumping/running around in the heat earlier, so my Mum was offering him some of her water. 😊 He's definitely a very loved (perhaps even spoiled😁) dog! (9.3.18)

[inkedrefuge]

i guess it's been a while since i last wrote anything. i guess i've spent countless hours scrolling through a million and one pointless words and pictures that feel so important, so urgent, until it hits the back of my skill that it will be forgotten in a split second. that it brings me a brief, fleeting ache of satisfaction that passes as quickly as it came, like a ghost passing through my body. and i guess, yes, it's an addiction. a quick fix in the most harmless way, an antidote to boredom and loneliness and bottled up emotions. it's so easy to focus on anything than what is happening in my brain, in my life. easy to space everything out apart from a screen. i've spent my whole life desperately clawing the walls, trying to escape the corner i forced myself into, and that's really scary. and how do i put this all down? it's so heavy. it feels real. it feels tangible. like letting a balloon into the sky even though you knew you weren't going to keep it. it feels like it holds weight. i don't know what to do.

[censorious-me]

Never be satisfied

There’s a fine line between wanting to change because you want to be better and reach your goals versus wanting to change because you’re so unhappy with yourself. Sometimes I’m not even sure what the difference is. 

I don’t want to hate myself into being a better person. That kind of mindset tells you that you’re never good enough. It tells you that you won’t achieve happiness until you do xyz. And once you achieve whatever goal you set, it’ll never be enough because other people have achieved that goal. So you have to continue to strive for goals that less and less people have achieved so that you feel like you’re special. 

A phrase that people use as a motivator is, “Never be satisfied”. I was raised on this idea, and my parents drilled it into my head. But never being satisfied can mean never acknowledging your accomplishments. Never being happy. Never feeling good about yourself. Growing up, nothing was ever good enough. Once I recognized that I was doing well, it came across like I was complacent. So I was put down so that I knew I’d never be as good as the best person out there. 

I don’t support complacency. But is it complacency when you’re happy with the amount of money you make? Is it complacency if you’re happy with your body? Why can’t I be satisfied with where I am in life without that being translated into being complacent or giving up or being miserable. I’m not saying I am satisfied with my life. Honestly, I know it will take a lot of time for me to feel that way. I’m in a perpetual cycle of not feeling good enough. But you can feel good about yourself and your life and still want to grow as a person and reach new goals. You can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you’re beautiful and still be working on your fitness goals. You can still want a promotion while being comfortable with your salary. You don’t have to hate your life to make changes.

I know that down the line I won’t look back and wish I had been more stressed. Does anybody die wishing that they made more money? Worked more hours? Does anybody wish they were thinner or prettier? I will never look back and say, $50k wasn’t a good enough starting salary, I wish I switched fields to make more money. I will never look back and say, all of that time comparing my downfalls to others’ success was worth it. I’m going to say, who the fuck cares about all of that? I’m going to wish that I had let myself be happy. 

[myquotebook]

We are always in recovery

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