so we don’t know how to refer to ourselves (pronoun-wise) without saying we’re a system.
We all go by diff pronouns, and we can’t pinpoint who’s going to front at any given time :( we’ve tried to find terms to refer to ourselves by:
Agender - I think? (It/It’s)
Nonbinary - doesn’t sit right i guess? (They/Them)
Genderfluid - we get uncomfy really easily because we switch alters a lot (Any/All)
Do you have any recommendations for what we could choose?
Honestly, no, we struggle with this a lot too. Some of us are really particular about their pronouns in ways that inherently conflict. Genderfluid might seem like it makes the most sense to other people but using it ourselves has always felt so wrong because we're not genderfluid. Nonbinary looks weird to people when prominent fronters present binary 90% of the time. Nowadays we're around other systems and people who know we're plural and even then it's kind of tiresome to insist. Kinda just going with a "none of your business/I just work here" approach
So it turns out that it's really hard to give someone a fair assessment of your system's overall mental health needs when your brainmate's crisis feels completely inconsequential to you.
like. ok. i know i've talked about this before but i genuinely think that the boundary between "plurality" and "singlethood" is so fucking fuzzy and ambiguous because i do not think a boundary exists. like. ok what do people know about "internal parts therapy" or whatever. god. nevermind ignore that i said that. listen to me.
do you feel like, around certain people, you are an entirely different kind of person? with some people, you are outgoing, excitable, loud, outspoken, confident? with others, you are quiet, reserved, shy, anxious? obviously these do not mean these are necessarily two different people, right?
well, I mean. what the fuck is "a person." or rather what the fuck is "a consciousness" is maybe a better question.
plenty of systems have the whole "i have amnesia and my parts are profoundly distinct and cannot communicate with each other internally" etc etc etc but 1) this is like. a specific expression of a broader phenomenon and 2) this is not the only way to be plural.
a better example than the above is maybe "when I'm at work, I am Literally A Different Person than when I am at home with my wife."
this is something that I think most people would not balk at saying, even if it's nominally in jest or hyperbolic. but like, what makes that not literally true?
if we accept that a Part or an Alter or a Headmate or a Distinct Psyche or whatever you want to call it Does Not Need to be profoundly distinct in the way the "DSM-5" articulates it as, i.e. you can have parts that do not have amnesia and who share some level of awareness, memories, etc, can communicate internally, etc. what determines the boundaries of a Part? In our experience, the most constrained definition of "what a part is" could be defined as "a distinct psychic mode of existence which can be temporarily occupied, and is sometimes occupied based on contextual triggers."
your "inner child" is a part! your "worksona" is a part! when you have a bad day and you hear a voice in your mindspace that tries to encourage you to get up and take care of yourself, that can be a part!
likewise, the voice in your head that denigrates and derides you can be a part. and, if you give yourselves permission, you can try to talk to them.
imo. the biggest "hack" for "determining if you are plural" (fake, everyone is plural) is giving yourselves just. permission to even "pretend" to be distinct. you may shock yourself. you may surprise yourself. you may think into your mindspace "hello, is anybody there?" and you may be surprised to find that sometimes. someone might answer back "yes."
the way we first realized we were plural was literally that we were in a car talking with a friend who is a system and they said to us, "well, if you were separate parts, what would you say?" and then an entirely different emotional state clicked into place and a cheerful and excited voice piped up out of our body and said "WELL, if I ever got to distinguish myself as separate, I would..." before stopping and realizing what she had said.
the thing is that plurality is psychic. it is "psychological." it is, by definition, "all in your head." because every part of your personhood(s) is "in your head." you can play pretend. you can do imagination games. what makes that "less real" than other thoughts in your mindscape? if you pretend hard enough that you are different kinds of people in your mind, you might just literally be different people in your mind. why not? what makes on "personality" or "psyche" or "fragment" real, and another "pretend?" it's all pretend. none of it is pretend. your personhood is made up in your mind. you are already playing pretend! you are playing pretend that you are a person! having thoughts and beliefs and emotions and opinions is make-believe! it is made up of the same essential psychic Stuff as playing pretend.
you may be pleasantly surprised to find out how joyful the different parts of your heart and your life might feel to be granted the respect and autonomy to distinguish themselves as distinct and unique and each worthy of personhood, choice, and expression.
#good and helpful reminders#were all simply weird animals who make up rules for things#there are no rules let the 12 year old you in your head stretch their/your legs and stop pretending to be one cohesive animal all the time
DING DING DING WINNER OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT I'M SAYING AWARD GOES TO THESE TAGS (/GEN)
there are no rules. it's literally all make-believe. go ham. the child who lives in your heart must be let loose at all costs. I'm letting this fucker drive! [universally understood symbol for "the two year old alter"]
There's something very core to our existence that we've only more recently been able to put into any kind of concise words that I think fits here very well.
We are the stories we tell of ourselves.
In a very real way, we are all a composite creature of all the things we believe about ourselves, all the things we hold close to our hearts, all the things we tell others and tell ourselves... about ourselves.
That is true of everyone.
Plural folks just find it makes more sense and is more useful to conceptualise themselves as Many rather than One. And there's nothing especially unusual about that.
Human existence is a complicated interplay of all the individual stories connecting and creating a larger work. The reason it's important to respect others' identities is precisely because no one else can adequately tell that part of the greater story. Only the person in question can tell their own story to you, and all you can do is accept what they believe about themselves and can show you of themselves.
Syscourse is really funny if you try to imagine people saying the same things about any other mental phenomenon.
"DNI if you claim to be 'sad' without an MDD diagnosis"
"You're 'proud' of being 'self-confident'? Stop romanticizing NPD, it's a debilitating disorder for people who really have it, faker."
"Trauma is the only valid origin for psychosis, people who claim to have 'hallucinated' because of drugs or sleep deprivation are either lying or they just don't know how traumatized they are"
"Well, I developed my agoraphobia from being kidnapped and tortured THREE TIMES at the age of six, so anyone who claims they developed it later in life or from less severe trauma is faking."
Here, take the current list of our specific journal prompts. They might help you?
(These are sort of tailored toward our experiences as a person with a dissociative disorder but they can probably be used by any system since they're...pretty generic in my opinion? I do use parts language here, though.)
Thoughts on today, if you remember it?
How was today, if you remember?
What's something you're grateful for today?
What worries do you have about [___]? Why?
Do you have any concerns about [___]? Why?
What makes you <happy/angry/etc>? Why?
Do you remember any recent dreams? What were they?
Is there anything bothering you from our dreams? What? Why?
What's your <first/happiest/last/etc> memory?
Have you had any flashbacks recently? Of what, if you want to share? How did coping with them go? Do you want to talk about it at all, either with another part or with the therapist?
Are you dealing with any in system conflict? How does that make you feel? What help do you want? OR: what do you think could possibly be done to resolve it? Do you want to ask the therapist for help at all?
What are your thoughts on [out-system issue?] Do you have any ideas on how we should handle it?
What are your thoughts on how we handled [___]?
What are your thoughts on [person]?
What do you think of [past choice we made]?
What thoughts do you have on [upcoming choice]? What do you think we should do? Why?
Write a letter to another part. Be nice.
Have a conversation with someone nearby inside. Be nice.
What questions do you have for our therapist?
Do you have any issues with our therapist or with therapy? What? Why?
What are your thoughts on FSG [Finding Solid Ground; the program we are doing currently] so far, or in general? What do you find works for you, or at least seems helpful? What has been difficult to use, or seems unhelpful for you?
What are your thoughts on therapy <as of last sssion/so far>?
Do you have anything you want to discuss with the therapist? What? Why?
Who in the system do you <like/dislike/etc>? Why?
Who in the system have you met or interacted with? Who do you want to meet? Why?
What do you think about [our system specific things, like the communication barriers between our subsystems for example, etc]?
Write about <yourself/your role/etc>.
Write about your <interests/hobbies/etc>.
What rules do you follow, if any, inside the system and outside it?
Which rules do you wish you could break? Why <can't/don't> you?
Are there any rules that you do break? Why?
What do you believe in? Why?
What do you wish for? Dream of? Hope for? Why?
What do you think you're good at or are strong at? Why?
What do you feel like you struggle with? Why?
What do you wish you could do/etc? Why?
What do you want to change? Why?
What do you think you're avoiding? Why?
What do you associate with yourself? Why?
What is your idea of safety? OR: What does the word safe mean to you? Why?
What's the most important thing to you? Why?
What does nobody know about you?
What's a word that you think describes you?
How do you imagine our future?
What are your three biggest wishes? Why?
How'd you pick your name, etc (if applicable)?
What does safety mean to you? Why?
What is/are your least favorite emotion/s? Why?
What does recovery mean to you? Why?
What are some things you like about yourself? If you don't know, what things do you like about other parts, or about our friends? Why?
What things are you're proud of accomplishing? Why? If you dont know, what are you proud of other parts or the system as a whole for accomplishing?
Do you like being out? Why, or why not?
What do you want to know about other parts or the system at large, our life, etc?
How do you feel about [___]? Why?
What do you do (role or job wise) in/for the system, if anything? Do you know why? Did you always do this? Etc.
What comforts you? Or: what makes you feel safer, less unsafe, neutral, or more okay/fine?
Who do you trust in the system? Why? Who do you not trust? Why?
What's something you wish others understood about you? Why?
Several weeks later, we finally have a follow-up to this post by @semiplural about distinguishing system folks who are less separate.
Figuring out who's who when you're not that separate
A lot of guides that we've come across for figuring out who's all in a system, or who's there, or who's around, are well tailored for collectives who are more multiple. That is, who have a decent amount of discrete separateness. "Multiple people in one body," full stop. Those guides can exclude folks who don't experience a lot of separation.
One of the reasons it took us so long to realize we are plural is that there isn't a ton of overt division between us. We are distinct, but not divided. "Three headed dog" and other hydra-esque metaphors describe us well.
We're going to make two posts on this topic. This one will be a more general "here's stuff that helped us that may help you." The other one will be more specific and posted to our 18+ site.
Defining "less separation"
For our purposes, we're going to outline what "not a lot of separation" means for us, specifically. This may not be true for you. It's to contextualize our own experiences as you read.
Few to no memory barriers
Unfiltered thought and feeling access to one another
Switching is "passing the I" or "becoming one another." Switching does not feel like "trading places," "becoming possessed," "dissociating," or "losing time."
"I just feel like me, but different."
Life history, relationship with cultural background, relationships to external people, and things of that nature generally feel the same, similar, or agreed upon. Your parents are all of your parents, your cultural background is all of your cultural background, and so on.
Relationship with gender and sexual orientation feel congruous. Examples: same points of gender dysphoria, even for different reasons. This is true for us, even though our genders, sexual orientations, and romantic orientations, themselves are different.
Alternatively: sexual orientation and/or gender changing between us looks enough like singular-normative fluidity that we do not initially notice it as different selves.
Lots of blending and temporary fusing.
In most ways, our values align.
A few ways: the tl;dr
Retrospectives and reflections: can you point out times in your life where you were just different?
Skill and capacity changes: are there certain "eras" in your life when you were very good at some things, but not others? Do the skills change in ways you can't really explain? Or does the explanation you do have, like disability burnout or therapy, feel incomplete? Was there a time you could tolerate some sensory input, but now you can't, and vice versa?
Make a timeline of your life: Map out points of substantial change. Fill in gaps as you find more information. The important part is not "factual accuracy" but how you remember things and how you were impacted.
Track things in the present: Try feeling out vibes about where you're at, what you're drawn to, what values you're prioritizing in the moment. Track them and find patterns.
A central takeaway here: this is not a process of laying out objective, factual evidence that can be externally verified. This is an ongoing process of feeling things out. If you're sighted, here's a metaphor: you know those times when you're feeling around in your bag for something, and you end up just sticking your face in to look because you can't find it with your hands? There's no sticking your face in with this. You're gonna have to trust what you're feeling and your interpretation of what it is, and accept that it will change with time.
Retrospectives
There was a clear point in our life when things changed for us completely. We went through a series of traumatic events that required us to change the way we did everything: logistically, practically, socially, health-wise, and more. We changed a lot, as a person, outwardly. In that process, we also lost a lot.
Certain personality things, qualities, tendencies, etc. seemed to have gone away, or been more background, or "easier to manage." Think things like: "oh, that trauma thing isn't as present in my life; I guess therapy is working!"
Since Zahi was in some pretty serious skills-based therapy, we chalked all of this up to our various mental health diagnoses going into remission as a result of our work. That's not to say we were wrong -- of course this is a huge factor. We were also missing another piece of it: Brick was holding a lot of really difficult tendencies of ours. That gave Zahi room to build a life worth living. It also meant that Brick had influence and impact, and was likewise influenced and impacted, over that process, without being able to make as many active choices as Zahi did.
Our gender presentation also leaned heavily in Zahi and Arini's direction during those eight years. Before that, it was quite fluid, and many presentations felt right at any given time. In retrospect, we notice that presenting less femme in many situations got us feeling dysphoric, not just "oh, I am not feeling myself in this."
Do you find yourself saying, "but I thought I was..." about a certain personal quality? "I thought I didn't really care what people thought." "I thought I was good at/bad at social skills." "I thought I was direct and blunt/less direct." Pay attention to those moments. Track them.
Skill and capacity changes
Remember that "clear point in our life when things changed for us completely"? At that point, Zahi was almost fronting by himself, though influenced and impacted by Arini and Brick. In retrospect, there were many points when Arini was co-fronting or at least "watching over their shoulder" over that eight year period.
Sensory input that we were able to tolerate? Not anymore. Certain themes and aesthetics, like gory stuff or violent stuff? Nope. "Oh, I guess I'm just more sensitive after the bad thing." Not entirely wrong, but not complete.
We experienced some serious autism and ADHD burnout. It clicked into place when we noticed this: as Brick started unfolding again, things that we hadn't been able to do for ages were coming back. We could daydream again. Creative writing was getting easier again. Brute-forcing a task that was difficult was possible again (though not recommended, as usual!). Meanwhile, it started getting harder to ask for help; prior to that, Zahi had gotten very good at it!
Are there clear points where certain hobbies, skills, desires, urges, propensities went away or appeared, or increased? These may have been things you attributed to processes of learning or unlearning. That definitely may be true, and, being plural might mean the outward effects of this are more pronounced than they would be for a singular person.
Make a timeline
Literally make a timeline of your life. It can be paper and pencil, digital, whatever. Make sure it's in a place you can easily find it and make changes. You are unlikely to finish this in one sitting and it will likely take many visits. You may start to spot patterns of selfhood, presence, absence, influence, etc. as you do this. Folks may find that they can feel out their own vibes enough to claim certain adjustments on the timeline. For example: so-and-so feels right writing in blue ink, they tend to revisit the timeline when they are feeling sad, and so on.
On this timeline, leave room for varying interpretations of what you remember. One of you may remember things one way; another may remember it differently. One of you may have taken away a set of lessons, and another one, a different one. Leave room for that. Make sure whoever is contributing can maintain a through line of claiming it's their contribution -- if they want. An ink color, a font color, a letter of the alphabet, a symbol, if they don't want to use a name. And if they choose to deliberately not keep a through line of their contribution, honor that. Let things unfold at their pace.
Tracking
Tracking isn't easy. It can be overwhelming, especially if you're trying to get a process down perfectly the first time. Suggestion: plan to change your tracking process with time. You don't have to go back and retroactively adjust old records. Let those old records stand as their own way of tracking how your process changes. That is also information.
What to track, you ask? Here are some ideas. Of course these are things that have perfectly singular-folk explanations, like sleep, food, energy, mood, what happened that day, and so on. Consider folding in that certain folks in your system might also have different feelings about these things.
It doesn't need to be a perfectly comprehensive picture of everything ever. What stands out to you? What feels important? This is not a scientific exploration that needs to be reproducible. Follow your gut. Or your heart. Or whatever symbolic intuition body part you vibe with.
People you see frequently. How do you feel about them? How do they interact with you or vibe with you? What do you find yourself drawn to say to them or do with them?
Activities you do frequently. How do you feel about this class? This project? This hobby? This client?
Frequent sensory input. Is that crackling of the electricity poles on your walk home more or less irritating on certain days? Is the screeching neighbor's kid tolerable sometimes and unbearable at other times?
Body tension patterns. Where do you hold tension? How does it change? When?
Food preferences and how certain foods feel and taste. Or desire to eat in general.
Perceptions of your memory. Maybe sometimes you forgive that family member for the time they hurt you when you were a kid, and other times you're boiling with rage at them.
As you track these things, try to also notice what else they line up with. Find patterns and correlations.
the ending stuff
Remember:
This will take a long time.
You will likely need to revisit and revise.
This is not scientific; it is intuitive. It requires selves-trust, or at least selves-"whatever message I am getting is somehow true, even if not logically or empirically".
Nah I don’t have memory issues I remember my childhood pretty well.yeah everything I remember has been recorded or told to me and anything outside of that I don’t remember unless it was bad but like that’s fine
