[daysdawn]

safe space for me to talk about my experiences. vent/system side blog

🌕 I am self dx’d. I have suspected a dissociative disorder (did or osdd) for around ~8 years now. I believe in educated self diagnosis.

🌖 Parts language is preferred. I enjoy first person pronouns (I/my/myself) but may use collective language (we/our/us) when necessary for clarification.

🌗 I don’t really care about syscourse. I don’t understand endogenic systems. However, I’m not going to argue with someone’s personal experience or tell them they’re wrong. My own thoughts and beliefs don’t really matter in that case.

🌘I am just a guy. Don’t come to me for professional advice. I am interested in cdd’s, but I don’t know everything and will never know everything.

🌑I believe in healing. Either through final fusion or functional multiplicity, it is important to foster integration (breaking down of dissociative barriers). However, this can take time, and shouldn’t be a forced process.

[crabussy]

"I just find it hard to believe some people who claim to be systems. why do all their alters have strange names and unique appearances and weird mannerisms?" queer people are disproportionately at risk of experiencing childhood trauma. autistic people are disproportionately at risk of experiencing childhood trauma. there are countless studies on this if you want to hear it right from the source. childhood trauma is the driving factor behind a massive majority of DID/OSDD system formations. I trust that you can connect the dots here!

[crabussy]

if you intentionally choose to disregard peoples' existences based on their appearance or behaviours, you have biases that you absolutely need to deconstruct before people like me can ever feel safe around you.

you can start by saying nothing about how you "just can't believe it" when someone you don't know exists as a system where you can see. you can keep going by trusting the people in your life when they share extremely vulnerable information about themselves.

[crabussy]

telling someone that you're part of a system feels like exposing your soft underside. I've cried from terror almost every time I've had to reveal it to someone I care about, and I don't cry easily. if someone tells you they're part of a system, they're placing a monumental amount of trust in you.

please don't break that trust.

[crabussy]

actually, another thing!!! you are seeing systems who:

1. actually know that they're systems (this is rare. being online makes resources on figuring it out WAY more accessible) 2. happen to exist in the same online space as you, the tumblr user reading this 3. are, as a result, usually younger and/or autistic and/or queer, which are all factors that can influence individual alters' identities.

so of COURSE you think we're all like this. you're looking at one damn tree instead of the whole forest!!! there are systems who are 60 years old and never had the resources to figure out what was going on. there are systems who are 30 and barely use social media for personal reasons. there are systems who are 20 and don't tell anyone because of the cruelty they've faced every time they try. there are systems who are 15 and are SO relieved to have answers to why everything felt weird and wrong their whole life, so they shout it from the rooftops. your limited interactions with systems in specific online spaces does not represent the majority of systems on earth.

even if it did represent the majority of systems on earth we STILL deserve to be treated like people. this should not be something I have to beg for!!!!!

[firefliesonatrenchcoat]

Reminder that not all littles are cute and innocent and childish acting! Some of us are angry. Some of us are verbose enough that you wouldn’t realize you’re talking to a little unless we tell you. Some of us have big emotions and not in the pallatable way. Some of us won’t reason the same as other alters, some of us don’t trust people. Be normal about littles even when they don’t act like you expect them too

[daysdawn]

feeling like a caged animal in a tiny little enclosure with little enrichment

[batshaped]

Unrequited

bsky mirror

[daysdawn]

Does any other system have persecutor littles? The why of it logically makes sense to me, but I feel like I haven’t seen any other systems with them. I am curious to know!

[sucked-into-abagel]

When ppl talk about alters being stuck in trauma time, they usually talk about those alters not knowing the body's friends, or recognizing where they live, or any number of physical reality changes. And we've definitely had that experience! But more often what "alters being stuck in trauma time" means for us is those alters know basic physical reality facts, but their emotional reality has not changed at all. So they might know our best friend, but they aren't connected to how that friend and I interact. They respond to everything like the trauma is still happening, so they expect any mistake to be met with punishment, they expect the ppl around them to suddenly hurt them without warning, they have no ability to use our modern coping methods, and they have no concept of anything being other than the abusive environment of our youth.

So yeah, our trauma-stuck alters typically know we live in a different house and our dad isn't coming home, and they know things like we graduated college and the names of our friends. What we struggle with a lot more is getting them to understand that this current time isn't just our childhood with new set dressings.

[fruitorchardsystem]

Nah I don’t have memory issues I remember my childhood pretty well.yeah everything I remember has been recorded or told to me and anything outside of that I don’t remember unless it was bad but like that’s fine

[hazedxg0]

DID symptoms that people don't talk enough about

The cycle of forgetting and then re-remembering trauma memories

Constant depersonalization and derealization

Feeling as if you're stuck living someone else's life

Failure to plan for the future because nothing feels real + losing time

Thinking a flashback is over when you've actually just dissociated away from it, and having it resume as soon as you stop dissociating

Dissociative stupor/trance

Alexithymia

Identity issues outside of alters

Inability to connect with other people

Being unable to tell if you've healed from a past problem/trauma or if you've just dissociated away from it

Not learning from past mistakes because of amnesia and dissociation

Feeling nothing psychologically despite physical shaking, racing heart, nausea, crying, etc

The extreme disorientation + identity confusion that comes with co-consciousness and co-fronting

Somatic flashbacks

Being triggered by your own DID symptoms because you know the only reason you're experiencing any of this is because of what they did to you

[daysdawn]

I am specifically “guy who feels bad and guilty” but I do have a feeling that my partner likes other parts more than me. It’s their right, but I don’t know how to sit with the feeling without wanting to never exist again

[daysdawn]

I was being silly #sillymoment

[alteredpanel]

host complex so strong you forget how the disorder works

[trinket-sys]

“Not as far as I can remember” is my favorite phrase to use as a system because I can’t remember. Idk what you’re talking about but I’m gonna try and sound like I do

[amity-candylust]

[daysdawn]

I am specifically “guy who feels bad and guilty” but I do have a feeling that my partner likes other parts more than me. It’s their right, but I don’t know how to sit with the feeling without wanting to never exist again

[daysdawn]

common system feelings:

I don’t know who I am

I don’t ever want to be alone again

It scares me that I’m never actually alone

I’m feeling bad and that means I’m always going to feel bad

I’ve never felt bad or angry or sad in my entire life

There’s a memory here but I don’t have the feeling

I feel something but I don’t know why

I want to be seen and heard

There’s nothing that scares me more than being perceived

[faesaint]

DID sucks because in the morning you think "maybe I'm actually normal and I should stop overanalyzing my experiences and just enjoy life" and in the evening you get possessed by the ghost of yourself from 2018

[jaythelion222]

Being a system is like one day you’re convinced that your abusers are actually good people and they never did anything bad to you and you’re just making it all up and the next day your brain will randomly decide to bless you with the memories of the fucking war crimes your abusers committed towards you while you’re waiting in a Tescos parking lot or some shit