Ailurophile

•I’m like a flood. Like a flood I get carried away.• ✨She/Her - 29- 💍✨ 🚫MINORS DNI🚫 I’m just here to blog privately in peace.

[cha-cha-cha-chia]

I have been swallowed whole by motherhood and depression. The urge to self isolate then wallow in the loneliness is overwhelming

[deathgasmic]

and at the end of the day, i am just a girl who needs a lil nap

[lovednknown]

[kosmogrl]

[thoughtkick]

“In the end, everything matters.”

— Jay Asher

[cha-cha-cha-chia]

Ngl I hope my doctor prescribes me antidepressants tomorrow. I will cry right there in the office if I have to.

[mohabbaat]

december???? what next??? 2024?????

[rockpapertheodore]

Sometimes self-care is, actually, NOT getting onto the computer and little treats and watching youtube videos. Sometimes those things are self-care, but sometimes they're also avoidant behaviors.

Sometimes self care is waking up and just. Fucking getting in the car. And driving to the bank. And the store. And buying the cat litter. And changing the cat boxes you've been avoiding because your brains been stuck in a hole. And picking up the trash you've been piling up. And getting a load into the wash. And mowing the lawn before the village council sends you a formal complaint and potential-fines warning.

Like its hard and annoying to do because it sucks. It sucks so much. But if I don't start working on this pile of bullshit I've let build up because it stinks and i was stuck in deer-in-headlights mode, I risk letting it turn into fuckery. I do not have the patience for fuckery that I once - foolishly! - thought I had.

[cha-cha-cha-chia]

I need a vacation.

But like.. a good soak in a giant bath tub would do the trick right now, not going to lie.

[eepybubble]

only thing that stands between me and going to bed is the entire internet that fits in the palm of my hand

[anxietyproblem]

[ashstfu]

[knifepadme]

what day is it

[knifepadme]

always fucking some day or another around here

[cha-cha-cha-chia]

Lol I’m not editing the spelling on this yet but I just read it back and.. Good god I was tired. I’m honestly amazed I even typed this much half awake, rocking a baby to sleep.

—————

Please bare with me. I AM simultaneously the happiest and most depressed I hav be ever been in my life. I am overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted. I am so in love with this tiny human who has turned my entire works upside down it hurts. I often find myself crying while staring into her eyes or watching her sleep thinking wow you are the absolute most incredible thing I will accomplish in my life. And yet how can something so wonderful also make me feel so.. alone? Motherhood is lonely. They don’t tell to that. Most of my days are spent sitting alone, talking to beings that can’t talk back. I’ve always been an introverted person, I enjoy staying in the peace of my home. Friendship often feels like something just out of my grasp because mentally it is hard overwhelming for me to maintain conversations all day every day with too many people. Because is that, I feel as if I have spent my whole life missing out and always being a last thought, or left out completely. I’ve always struggled with my mental health. The last five years have really treated my inner strength more than i could have ever imagined. All of that feels so multiplied by postpartum and motherhood. Grief comes in many different forms and hits you when (and where) you least expect it. Grief is no stranger to my life so you think I would be accustomed to its trickery by now. But that’s the funny thing about grief, it is ever changing. Do I grieve my old life, pre baby? To be honest, only a little. In my heart and soul, I have always craved to be a mother. Everyone but whole life has always agreed that I was made for this. And while it has always felt true, it has never felt more true than when I look into my daughter’s eyes. I love her so much. I know it’s cliche to say, but they really do mean it when they say you never know how much you can live some one until they put the tiny little thing you made and carried for so long on your chest for the first time.

In conclusion I guess., I’m okay. I’m lonely. I’m depressed. I’m exhausted beyond belief. But I’m so in love. I’m happier than I could have ever fathomed. Just, bear with me while I navigate this new life.

Late night feeding thoughts. I’m too tired to spell check my swipe to text b. I’ll do it fondue. Time to put the baby to sleep and try to get and myself. Thanks did listening. If give read this far.

[ritualeaf]

[sacred-portal]

[seungcheolsbodyharness]

racism is still racism when it's your faves, it's still racism if it's not meant maliciously, it's still racism if they didn't know.