Craving

20m - Mental health blog

[chainsmokingpissboy]

intro

Call me whatever you want. I am 20 years old, male, been in this for 8 years. I ramble about my various poor coping mechanisms and about mental illnesses that I have. I am autistic, I have bpd, and I am gay and engaged to my lovely boyfriend. I block minors. Dms and asks open, send me anything you want. I don't remember where I got the gif but credits to the creator

Edit: I decided I might as well list mental illnesses and physical problems I have because I think I would be understood better, even though telling people about them makes me feel like those people who collect labels like Pokémon cards.

I have borderline personality disorder, autism, depression (I might actually have bipolar but my psychiatrist isn't sure) and I have ptsd. I have some form of connective tissue disorder and many of my joints subluxate and sometimes my limbs just give out. Sometimes it causes me pain and I struggle to function due to my body just not wanting to work, and I fall a lot. I just try to ignore it though, honestly. I have eating problems and I s3lf h4řm, both of these have been recurring issues since I was about 12, maybe 11.

[1chezpop]

Major Trigger Warning ⚠️

.

.

finally finished up this drawing of myself based on two of my S attempts. i combined the two: one where I overdosed and one where I wrote a note and relapsed (except i didnt go as deep as what i drew LOl sorry i felt pathetic( before running away, into this art,,, hhhhhh i procrastinated this drawing so long im going to die okBye

[chainsmokingpissboy]

I got a new job at a gas station close to home and I like it a lot. I haven't been r3l4psing but I really want to again. I always want to. But oh well. I have a doctor's appointment coming up because my body is trash.

[chainsmokingpissboy]

Ironic as fuck that I start losing weight once I nearly completely stop counting cals

[wxnnab3ana]

reblog if u h8 your stomach

[chainsmokingpissboy]

I had a meltdown a few days ago and I have lost warehouse job. I woke up a half hour late and I just couldn't do it. I started crying and slammed my head into my dresser and woke up boyfriend who came and grabbed me and just held me as I was sobbing and freaking out over how I can't do things right. So I haven't gone back. Sigh. Fiance isn't mad. He was disappointed though and that might be worse. He isn't upset with me. He loves me, which is good. I have more interviews coming in the future, let us hope that one goes well.

[chainsmokingpissboy]

You're not a good person if you're a ⭐️ blog who reports 🔪 blogs. You're extremely fucking stupid actually. Whatever logic you use to justify it is the same logic others use about your blogs that get terminated every few months. We're all mentally ill actually get the fuck over yourselves. "But they post pictures of it !!" Yeah and you post th1n̈ṣ̌p0. kỳs lmao

[neglectedmutt]

i feel like a puppy no one wants

[chainsmokingpissboy]

Not to sound like an edge lord but I forgot that some people consider stýŕös deep

[chainsmokingpissboy]

I freaked out and drove to some cliffs near here and almost went over, but I thought about how much fiance would miss me, and of how I could end up paralyzing myself if I fucked up. So I climbed up a giant rock hill/pile thing, sat on top looking over the view, and I swiped my thighs over and over instead. I didn't have anything to wrap it, and I wouldn't have bothered to anyway to be honest, so my pant leg got soaked through. But they were black cargo pants, and they are washable, so I cared little. Fiance was freaking out and texting me the whole time, cause he got scared because I randomly drove away from home and was visibly upset, and he knows everything about my mental health issues. I drove home eventually. After about 3 hours of crying, swiping, driving, all that shit.

I had another break down today. Woke him up because I needed him and I cried in his arms for probably an hour. He eventually had to get ready for work and leave. I feel like a terrible boyfriend for everything I do. I hate that I rely on him so much, but he is the only one I truly trust. I love him so much and I wish I could give him everything. I know I can do better with my life, and I know that I will. I don't want to. I don't want to do any of this. But I will. Because my fiance deserves a boyfriend who can provide, who can be useful, who can love him better.

[butteranaflies]

[alwsomerr]

These pics make me lose my appetite , why am I so big???

[chainsmokingpissboy]

I have to wake up in 4 hours for work. I work at a warehouse now. My shifts are early. So far they've scheduled me for 4 and 5 am, but they can schedule me as early as 2 am. It's a lot of manual labor, and today I am sore. But it is alright. The dress code is incredibly lax, I can wear anything I want as long as it is safe around the machinery. I can sleep during the day, stay up at night, enjoy the quiet. I have only just started.

[chainsmokingpissboy]

I've always found calling myself "clean" or "sober" from sĥ or ęð stupid. It isn't drugs and alcohol. Like other people do what you want but it isn't for me. Now that I am thinking about it though, I think that "clean" specifically is stupid for all. Is someone somehow tainted or dirtied by their struggles? Are you impure and disgusting? Does being "clean" mean that you are regaining your purity somehow? There is no such thing as purity or holiness or divinity. We are just here. We are not tainted by being born, we are not tainted by what we struggle with. just exist.

[chainsmokingpissboy]

I say this as I use the i am sober app to track when I last binged 💀💀

[chainsmokingpissboy]

Why are all the jirai people on here 14

[chainsmokingpissboy]

I have never met a Christian man who was not weird around children in some way. Like refusing to bathe or change their toddler daughters cause "it's weird/sinful" is an extremely common sentiment that I have heard from them. Many are deeply controlling over all of the women in their lives. I have had some outright confess to me that they were pedophiles, one of which was closely related to me. Pedophilia is rampant in organized religion so heavily and most of them believe that people like me deserve to di for being "sexual deviants". I have been called that before. I am deeply distrusting of religious people and I will not be friends with them or associate with them. Not even just Christians. ANY religion.

[chainsmokingpissboy]

I've always found calling myself "clean" or "sober" from sĥ or ęð stupid. It isn't drugs and alcohol. Like other people do what you want but it isn't for me. Now that I am thinking about it though, I think that "clean" specifically is stupid for all. Is someone somehow tainted or dirtied by their struggles? Are you impure and disgusting? Does being "clean" mean that you are regaining your purity somehow? There is no such thing as purity or holiness or divinity. We are just here. We are not tainted by being born, we are not tainted by what we struggle with. just exist.