Dream above the Cloud. @chakysunshine - Tumblr Blog

it's been a habit that it feels weird if I dont close the year by writing here.

sebenernya, after a lot of thoughts, dan membaca kembali how do I reflect on how its going last year as I wish, 2025 tuh gila banget.

I accomplish my personal mission, to integrate kesos dan media komunikasi kerjaan gua hari ini jadi satu proyek menarik tapi abis itu gua pengen banget ngudahin dunia ini dan nyusul nyokap aja.

unexpectedly juga, gua akhirnya ngekos, diluar jawa pula. tahun ini bener bener jadi tahun yang super introvert karena bahkan setelah dua bulan dikirim keluar pulau, I dont make any new friends. it's get kinda hard to be surrounded by a lot of people I dont know. I dont even get along with my seatmates at the concert.

I do found a piece of me, and losing some part of it this year. I've been getting too many phase where I felt unstable most of the days, dan itu bikin gua makin hati hati sama semua omongan gua karena, kalo yg keluar becandaan masih oke, ya kalo peluru yg keluar? bubar.

the workload was crazy, the house issue was also crazier, bahkan negara ada aja tuh enggak membuat otak gua bisa at peace. dunia udah terlalu gila buat ditinggali. meskipun dengan banyak hal kecil yang bantu gua untuk terus sane dan bernapas, punya tujuan buat bangun tiap pagi, tapi, rasanya udah gak waras aja sih.

2026 gua gatau mau ngarepin apa awkwkwk. masih dikasih hidup syukur, dikasih lebih banyak hal hal kecil buat jalanin hidup juga makasih. dikasih rumah dalam bentuk orang buat selamanya, gua akan makasih banget. kayaknya, 2025 gua tuh udah cape harus jadi yang ngurus semua hal di dunia ini gua pengen diurusin (ril seperti cita cita semua bojo sungjin di dunia) atau kita bisa filling each other stripes aja.

kasih aja yaallah, kalo gua bisa sekolah duluan, aku manut, aku bs nikah duluan, aku manut, mau tiba tiba dapet kerjaan yg bisa menjamin kalo gua masih akan ada tempat di kerjaan itu setelah sekolah juga aku manut yaallah rencana hidup ku ki 3 itu tok selain urusan rumah duniawi ini yg kayaknya, as the last woman exist in the house, gua udah bukan opsi tapi jadi keharusan buat manage rumah ini. ngga sanggup berharap mau yang mana duluan tp yaallah kalo dipilihin jangan yg berat berat duluan kayak 2021 yaallah aku traumaaa :( bantuin bisa jalanin ya yaallah semua aku gas di 2026 krn 2027 pasti udah harus ada kehidupan baru :'

a reflection on being a local ngo worker in indonesia.

semua proyek bablas di embat. sejalan sama isu meskipun beda tipis, gaskan. manajemen butuh duit soalnya biar dapur kita semua tetep ngebul, meskipun pembagian hasilnya dari atas kebawah persis corong minyak tanah.

padahal, skillnya ngga ada. ada pun ternyata, gak semua skill bisa diterapkan di tempat yang berbeda.

ada proyek bagus, sejalan, tapi gaada orangnya?

hiring cepetan.

hiring aja, pengalamannya masuk kok sama spek yg dicari donor. tapi beda dong, pengalaman dia kerja, sama nguasain fieldnya ngo yang mau diambil sama donor.

bener bener sebuah pengalaman pekerjaan nabi. pengen impact besar, funding minim, tapi harus bisa nolong semua kalangan. terus masih cita-cita hidup layak?

ramadhan tahun ini ada banget refleksinya.

gua sempet banget triggered karena kajian bahas alam barzakh, since the visual was too real, and sobbing for days about the what if. mikir soal nyusul juga (wah asli finally I can type this) karena keknya dunia lagi gila banget gua ga sanggup.

udah gitu kayaknyaa kalo percakapan ini gak muncul, gua juga gak pernah mempertanyakan diri gua sih.

4 tahun ini, ngapain ya? jelas, gak ada juga yg kunjungan dan makan ke rumah. tapi tetep, maunya bikin opor dan rendang nyokap pake bumbu anak salido yg kalo kesana pas mau lebaran, antrinya bisa sejam.

tetep juga maunya, ada kue lebaran. bela belain order dari sebelum lebaran, harganya suka bikin istighfar (karena masih suka ga nyangka lebih tepatnya) kok bisa sih anjir harganya segitu? tapi tetep di ikhlasin karena mikirnya setahun sekali.

tetep bersihin kaca, padahal keliatan dr luar juga engga. tetep bersihin debu pajangan, ganti cover sofa sama bantalnya, padahal gak ada yang dateng juga.

dipikir pikir, kalo tahun pertama gua kek orang gaspol tetep masak lebaran padahal baru bulan kemaren nyokap gua gaada, mungkin waktu itu gua berusaha menciptakan suasana kalo lebaran harus tetep jalan, masakan nyokap harus tetep ada meskipun nyokap gaada. thats the only thing we can made to made her exist.

tapi makin kesini ya, kue lebaran juga yang makan sendiri. opor sama rendang cuman jadi stok makanan sebulan sampe lebaran kambing. air gelasan, balik lagi jadi stok mobil. sedih sih, tapi gimana.

bokap juga sama sih. bajunya ga senada, ganti dong pake warna yang sama sama punya. kebiasaan dari nyokap yang kalo lebaran maunya kembaran berempat.

terus juga rasanya, ramadhan ini gua berasa kek jahaaat banget sama nyokap tiri gua krn I never want to remember she did exist and die? commemorating her bday and die was never in my agenda cz I never had a place for her since I saw the way she acted. I know my limit and I know my justification on why I dont need to remember her further. tapi tetep berasa jahat aja.

gua ngerti sih on why I totally can relate to him, karena kita ternyata satu beban meskipun beda titik geraknya tapi ternyata the way we coexist also pull the trigger.

happy ied fitr, every1. may we find ramadhan again next year.

it was too long to be written by hands, so I choose this way.

I was almost choked when I re read what I write to me for 2024. again, sekalian listing blessingsnya ya:

lay-off was a part where I can realize sebenernya kerjaan yg gua mau tuh, apa sih. reaching the job, exploring on them seberapa banyak jobnya tuh iya bikin muntah, tapi ga gumoh aja. I felt really proud where I can produce a lot of stuff at once, terus meskipun minim masukan, apreasiasinya tetep ada.

I loveeee being surrounded by my small circle. ganti nyaris tiap wiken, kalo gak main, ngonser. surreal banget.

beneran nonton day6 dan shinee meski masih ketengan cuman taemin (ayo masih ditunggu ot4 ke indo 2025, ya! masa duluan day6 kunjungan laginya tahun depan ayo gais)

helping others, in many shape. wont mention but I feel I means a lot.

god tells on how much do I deserves, and he tells me, insyaallah cukup, fai. very well proven yaallah, makasih ya. semoga rasa cukup ini bisa terus ada.

as a 6 months going on 7 old worker, it was very nice to get a very good impression from others dan pelan pelan mulai nerima harus bisa dipuji orang, seeing the potential and trusted me for a lot of things, dan turns out mereka bisa memahami gua kenapa dan gimana karena simply I tried to communicate my feelings and my needs better to others so they can understand me too. (hamdalah 2024 mulai pelan pelan lulus jd yes miss)

masih dikasih kesempatan jalan juga... meskipun blm bawa keluarga krn bokap juga gatau mau kemana, gua gatau mau kemana, jadi bawa jalan jalannya masih pake oleh oleh dulu.. sampe bokap bingung kok blm abis udh ada lagi ya sama sama ya paaakkkkkk :(

pelan pelan juga harus bisa nerima kalo... lagi dikejar anak orang... dan gak denial dengan situasi dan kondisinya... doain ya.

terus.. 2024 pelan pelan baik, pelan pelan berproses jadi membaik, semuanya pelan pelan. but small or no progress, is still a progress anyway. gua bisa mengamini, situasi hari ini, semoga merupakan salah satu situasi baik tuhan. berprasangka baik, dan tentunyaa terus berusaha masih jadi kunci sih..

semoga 2025.. apa ya... karena ini jadinya makasih, semoga gua masih bisa menjalani hidup ini dengan apa yang ada di hari ini ya... atur yaallah kan allah panitianya atur daah. i've got my job, considering on master soon tentu udah gak boleh mundur keknya timeline hidup yang ini ya bismillah bisa ya yaallah kejadian. semoga situasi project baru tahun depan bisa beneran meyakinkan gua jadi manusia multidisiplin terus mau beneran nerusin master dengan lebih sip karena prep decknya aja bikin gua terkagum kagum meskipun masih susah nranslate yg di otak ke tulisan biar orang paham, it was a beauty combining my degree and my job today.

terus... kalau tahun depan kita semua panjang umur.. boleh kita liburan ya... bawa keluargamu nak kemana kek lebaran kek gimana kek sewa supir lah buat gantian ama bokap gt kan, terus tahun depan juga gua berdoa gua firm mau cari waktu belajar nyetir krn kok rasanya perlu dan genting.. daripada les buat toefl atau ielts yg bs online dan rajin rajin pake bahan yg ada dulu aja baru cari les gitu.

meskipun imposibru, tapi kalo dikasih, mau yaallah nonton shinee sama snsd :( snsd gapapa deh ketengan kalo shinee masih bisa ot4 bismillah 525 ada keajaiban mereka main ke indo yah!! kalaupun ga dikasih, gua berdoa gua beneran bisa ketemu waktu, buat kabur pindah kasur dan bengong yang jauh as we planned b4!

mau nyimpen wish buat bojo tp keknya ini yg sekarang gua juga masih tanda tanya, jadi misal belom tau emang jadwal rilisnya bojo gua yg serius itu ada di tahun depan, gapapa yaallah entar aja. I actually feel fulfilled with my self, alhamdulillah. masih bisa nyenengin diri sendiri soalnyaa huhu bangga bangeet aku sama aku :( makasih ya... it was a fun yet delightful year, thanks to me so you decide and do things that is the best for you. go on.

setelah ibu meninggal kemarin,

ada banyak hal yang tidak bisa aku lakukan (belum aku coba, tapi rasanya sulit).

pergi ke unit gawat darurat tanpa merasa khawatir setengah mati bahwa kita semua akan berakhir mati,

pergi ke pasar favoritnya untuk membeli barang lebih murah dari harga biasanya,

memasak kue dan makanan manis lainnya, karena biasanya hanya ibu yang mau berbagi masakan manis buatan ku dengan diriku sendiri.

belakangan setelah kehilangan pekerjaanku, aku berusaha untuk bisa hidup kembali seperti biasanya.

namun ternyata selama ini, pekerjaanku merupakan sarana maraton terbaik untuk bisa tidak merindukan ibu, karena aku sadar ibu tidak akan pernah kembali.

masa-masa sulit yang sebelumnya bisa dijalani, yang biasanya bisa ditelan begitu saja, rasanya jadi berat karena tidak ada tempat berpulang selain diri sendiri.

aku bisa menangis semalaman hingga tertidur ketika sangat merindukan ibu, dihari-hari dimana hormon pms ku meningkat.

how to get back to how I was? or how do we can get to continue life?

#me #life #thought #the ode to mom #grief #loss #mom

losing hope

ditengah masa post-truth ini,

at this rate gue kehilangan harapan.

karena rasanya, dengan situasi berjalan saat ini, dan bagaimana kondisi sekeliling mendukung, membuat banyak dari kita merasa spiraling down. the whole world too.

dan gue kehilangan harapan, untuk bisa mewujudkan hidup yang lebih baik kedepannya.

mewujudkan tempat dan kehidupan dimana kita semua setara, dan integritas masih dijunjung tinggi sebagai nilai hidup yang abadi.

sebetulnya kehilangan harapan ini juga sudah diprediksi tuhan, dan dia menurunkan ayat jauh sebelum situasi ini terjadi,

innallaha ma assabirin, sesungguhnya Allah bersama orang-orang yang sabar.

fa inna ma al usri yusra, inna ma al usri yusra. sesungguhnya, bersama dengan kesulitan pasti ada kemudahan.

la tahzan innallaha ma anna, janganlah bersedih, sesungguhnya allah selalu bersama kita.

tentunya, satu-satunya yang dibisa untuk menerima situasi hanya sabar, jangan kehilangan harapan. sabar itu susah, jelas. kalau gampang hadiahnya dispenser.

#me #a-monologue-to-myself #life #thought #hope #reminder #acceptance

ternyata selama ini,

aku nemu kenapa aku pengen jaga badan.

karena aku masih gak rela kalau badanku melebar, aku jadi gak bisa pakai semua pakaian yang pernah dibelikan dan dijahitkan ibu untukku.

karena sekarang, ibu udah gak ada.

baju kalau sempit, harus beli sendiri.

nggak ada yang bisa diajak konsultasi lagi soal baju.

nggak ada yang akan kasih arahan, buat dia, aku bagusnya pake baju kayak apa.

dalaman kalau rusak, harus beli dan ukur sendiri.

nggak ada yang bisa belikan.

nggak ada yang bisa mengira ngira berapa besar badanku setepat insting ibu.

belasan rok di lemari yang dia selalu belikan untukku, baru belakangan aku pakai kembali.

ibu ternyata tahu apa yang lebih baik di badanku.

ibu juga yang paling tahu, anaknya nggak bisa kena dingin.

dulu di rumah sakit, dia selalu bawa aku ke kasurnya untuk tidur.

kini aku tidur di sofa mobil, karena ternyata lantai rumah sakit sedingin itu malam hari.

di bulan dan malam lainnya, aku gak pernah se rindu ini sama ibu.

mungkin karena hidup lagi berat-beratnya,

dan rasanya cuman ibu yang bisa sembuhkan lewat doa.

tapi ibu udah gak ada.

#ibu #mom #poet #indonesian #me #rindu #tentang rindu #the ode to mom #grief #loss

kemarin sempet jadi pembahasan pas di kantor kalo hari ini, 123123 is the perfect sunday reset.

pembahasannya kejadian setelah muncul rumor, dan akhirnya kejadian kalo bakal ada lay off besar besaran, and I'm the one impacted.

Setelah sempet mikir, tumben ya, di 2021 kehilangan nyokap dan 2022 kehilangan kestabilan rumah krn nyokap tiri juga meninggal, i was too quick to think kalo maybe this time life will be more stable. karena jujur aja, 2023 lumayan stabil dan menyenangkan karena (sekalian di list ya small blessingsnya)

tim kerjanya enak, udah meniatkan untuk selesai di tahun ini dengan baik (which terlaksana meskipun gak baik baik aja) (realizing that I write and state this many times to validate my emotion)

achieving a vvv honorable achievement karena manage strategic partnership sampe level asia dan goal

ditandain dengan baik sama orang kedutaan

visit ke beberapa kota di indo krn kerjaan

Setelah membiayai trip impromptu akhir tahun lalu, alhamdulillah masih ada rejeki bawa keluarga lebaran ke tempat nyokap, dan ongkosnya di reimburse full sama om :'

terus juga wishlist nonton konsernya kesampean semua bahkan lebih dari ekspektasi sih.

2023 bener bener ga di duga banget. terus ternyata endingnya super plottwist aja makanya mungkin gue meresapi sunday reset ini dengan sangat sangat karena dititik ini, bahkan mau mimpi bikin wishlist juga ga berani karena belom dapet kerjaan. saking meresapinya, sebenernya gue udh ampe hari ini membabat seluruh hal yg harus gue beresin untuk p word ini sengaja sebelum januari, terus juga hari ini balik ke jaman smp yg gue memaknai bebersih as removing the bad on us, literally gue bebersih apapun yg berkait dengan gue. terus memilih untuk mulai hari besok dengan jadwal yg gue udh pengen dr lama (pagi naik bis muterin krb terus pulang) dan mulai apply lg di januari aja biar gak bad omen.

it feels like.. i lost some part of me. karena kan manusia hidup untuk bekerja (ril ini ada teorinya). iya at this rate gue nyari kerjaan lagi tentu ada perut 3 biji dan 8 kucing yg harus gue isi, tapi kayak the other side iya gue butuh rehat. mengutip gita, iya kayaknya baru kali ini gue libur ga sibuk. mau disuruh sabbatical leave juga kayaknya susah ya wak duitnya kita prioritas bertahan hidup dulu aja.

gue berdoa 2024 udah ada kerjaan yg beneran bisa bikin gue pengen dan yakin buat s2, a proper one, dan lagi lagi masih berusaha mau hidup cukup dan berkecukupan (i'm trying to prove berapapun gajinya gue harap bs tetap hidup dengan rate yg segini aja). masih bisa bantu orang juga, kalau takdir nyuruh lewat memperkaya orang lain, iya oke kita gas. masih bisa nonton juga kalo SHINee dan DAY6 ke indo 🙏 bawa keluarga juga jalan jalan, terus dapet bojo kali ya... biar bisa ada yg diajak berbagi dan membantu hidup ini kalo tbtb gue bs bawa keluarga jalan jalan lg, atau kemana gt :" tp semoga ada yg mau menerima w dan keluarga w dengan apa adanya w dan seluruh kerieutan hidup ini serta keluarganya dia juga baik dan mau menerima w 🙏🙏

semoga 2024 bisa membawa kita semua lebih kuat dengan badai yang ada ya.

cheers to many more things ahead 🥂

#me #life #sunday reset

hitting my birthday never went this far.

thinking of reaching a certain age never gave me pain that much. until today. awaking right at this hour makes comfort that well, for the very first 27 mins of 24, it feels fine.

for the very first time, this year, went just like that. I happened to be trying to grip the stability. even tho I still needs to think certain things around, where will I switch my life at this age, at least I'm totally fine with the progress. with the way we think about this. where my friends supports me the way they do. my dad did bragging that I turns 24 this year but I want to keep this simple. since he already ruins all the plan and I'm just stucked here, but still doing my plan in the same place. and it stills turns out fine.

every year the day comes, there's a lot thing happens that makes me thinks to keep this simple. I got to be forgotten, I got no celebration nor wishes, and elses. and this is how we'd like to keep em simple as we can.

last but not least, happy birthday, me. thank you for being alive and standing by your own. keep going.

I'm at that point where I cant even think logically like, why I travels everywhere at this rate I never been that much at home.

There must be some people that jealous with this kind of routines and think that I'm not grateful for the chance that I had but I just tired.

I dont even know which of my prayer is granted by God that made me travels so often.

she'd like to live in every place she loved.

she's there,

leaving every inch of the place with the memory of her.

#thought #the ode to mom #grief #loss

#a-monologue-to-myself #art #gallery #typography #museum

youngsoutheastasianleaders

YSEALI Seeds: Bebas Sampah ID

About the Project

Bebas Sampah ID (BSID) is a program with two main activities: platform development and youth empowerment. BSID has a national online-based waste management platform, bebassampah.id, which already has following features: 1) Waste Assets, 2) Illegal Dumping, and 3) Collaborator, all of which are visualized in one single map, 4) Movement, 5) Multimedia Library, and 6) City Waste Management Index.

As a participatory platform, BSID collects its data through crowdsourcing from multi-stakeholders. Besides the platform, BSID also trains a youth volunteer unit called Zero Waste Ranger (ZWR), to be waste activists who possess leadership skills and environmental knowledge beyond the surface.

Why do you care about this specific topic/issue?

Indonesia has dire problems with waste. We are the second biggest marine plastic polluter in the world after China (Jambeck, 2015) and the second biggest food waste producer after

Saudi Arabia (Economic Intelligence Unit, 2017). With the President Regulation No. 97/2017, Indonesia plans to reduce 30% of waste, and handle at least 70% of waste to prevent accumulation in the landfill, all by 2025. Four years into the regulation, the country is still struggling with its implementation:

Per 2020, Indonesia produces 67,8 tons of waste annually (Ministry of Environment and Forestry, 2020)

In 2019, 32% of waste ended up unmanaged in illegal dumping sites (Tempo, 2019).

In 2021, at least three landfills in Indonesia are expected to be overloaded.

We want to mitigate the longing threat and risks of waste, as it’s been proven to be fatal (such as in the case of landslide of Leuwigajah landfill that buried two villages) and unsustainable for our ongoing, and future, development.

Why did you decide to start this project?

Even though waste governance already exists, the data initiatives they made to support the implementation often overlap. Five government institutions have their own waste management information system: Ministry of Environment and Forestry, Ministry of Public Works and Housing, Ministry of National Development Planning, Ministry of Home Affairs, and Ministry of Health. However, these platforms lack updated data and systems that monitor the target, and don’t cover civil society’s contribution in the waste governance, e.g. awareness rate from educational activities, waste collection rate from cleanup, and reduction and recycling rate from community-based waste collectors. This is where BSID stands as a bridge.

What are your goals for this project?

Our main goal is to to support and accommodate more citizen participation in waste governance, especially young citizens in this digital era. We plan to do this by two actions: 1. Develop Bebassampah.id website as collaborative waste governance platform 2. Train university students to be agent of change in the waste governance

How will YSEALI Seeds help you achieve your goals?

Through YSEALI’s support, the network, funding and guidance helps us to optimize bebassampah.id website and scale up our program impact to a larger audience.

What have you accomplished and implemented so far?

We have revamped some features in our website to provide a better experience for users who want to take part in Zero Waste Indonesia including:

Upgrading out Movement Feature, now collaborators can maintain their event easier through participant attendance tracking, automatic certificate generator, event reminders. Participants can find events of their interest by using the filter widget.

Improving our Asset Feature by adding a filter, individuals can now find waste processing facilities near their location and send their recyclables there.

We’ve also recruited our Zero Waste Rangers, a total of 18 youth volunteers who will help spread awareness and spirit to tackle waste management problems in Indonesia. We have equipped our rangers with 5 capacity building sessions so far, and will continue to expand their hard and soft skills. We are also coaching them on partnering and public speaking to prepare them for the Zero Waste Roadshow, an education program to introduce Bebas Sampah ID to university students.

What are the most significant lessons learned you’ve experienced so far?

That it takes a village and cross-sectoral knowledge to build a waste management platform and train students to be future trainers. We’ve had to partner with various organizations to scale up our website functionality and promote it to a broader audience, and invite professionals with various backgrounds and areas of expertise to give capacity building to our Zero Waste Rangers.

What are the success stories you can share with others who would like to do the same type of activity and/or project like yours?

Since our program is platform based, we think it’s very important to gain exposure and credibility online. So, definitely educate as many people about your digital platform through engaging and informative content in social media. Partnering with organizations that have similar goals also helps us create a greater impact, just like the saying “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” Last but not least, ensuring communication within the internal team so that our ideas and voices are heard to create better strategy and decisions for the program’s growth.

oh hey. I'm back after a year. just to announce that I finally graduated. I havent had my official graduation events yet but here some pics to reminiscing!

I'm glad bcs I should be having the graduation events online so I can take my pictures at uni with sneakers like this yay.

and of course I hope things get better, soon.

#classof2021 #indonesian #me #graduation #graduationinpandemic

huffpost

ohhjenesuispas

I will reblog this every time.

papayapetal

Literally this.

animalwondersmontana

Getting dirty, asking questions, being unapologetically enthusiastic about things, going overboard on projects. These are a few of my favorite things.

living-in-an-infinite-fiction

This is so heartbreaking, but so true.

jadelyn

And it’s even more heartbreaking when you see the transition and how performative it is.

I was a camp counselor at a science/nature camp when I was 16, for a bunch of 10 and 11 yr old girls. And one day while we were waiting around for the naturalist to come get us to go on the day’s hike, the boys cabin we were grouped with was exploring the area and overturned a log and found a salamander. One of the boys picked it up and they brought it over.

My girls all went “ewww, gross, keep it away!”

…right up until I said “whoa, cool, can I see it?”

This boy handed me the salamander and all of a sudden my girls were clustering around. They wanted to hold it. They were asking questions about it. They had stories of other times they’d seen a lizard or caught a frog or something. A couple of them went with some of the boys to look under another log and see if they could find another one.

All they had needed was permission to be curious, to show interest instead of disgust. And as soon as someone they were looking to for cues on “how to be a girl” showed interest, as soon as they didn’t feel like they had to perform socially-acceptable girliness and pretend to be grossed out in order to gain adult approval, all that natural curiosity and the fascination most kids have for the natural world just came bubbling right up.