I’m adding things I’ve learned from abusive households when I was 7 (and in foster care) and emotionally abusive, toxic, and strict households from 10 to 16 of age. I’m 17 for context, and I’m only now having freedom and safety. Also if this all sounds funky, I’m dissociating due to flashbacks but I’m gonna press on because of I can help another person survive than it’s worth it.
NEVER EVER EVER LIE ABOUT THE SAME THING. Always keep track of what you’ve lied about, to who, and make sure to keep them simple, vague even. Give them enough details that explains whatever you were caught for/with but not to much to show them you’re lying. I was caught a few times for giving to much detail, which my grandmother made the mistake of telling me how she caught me and then I used it against her. If you’re caught with an object you’re not supposed to have, like scissors, tell them something got stuck in your hair so you cut it out or if that’s not believable because of your hair type/length tell them you got something stuck in a shoe or clothing. Keep it simple, keep it realistic, and be quick with it.
If you get your doors taken away like I did, and you can’t rearrange your room, watch. Watch everyone’s moves, don’t focus on not being caught watching; make an excuse that you’re bored and wanted to see what they were doing, but watch what they do. The room where I had my doors taken off and the time that I lived in the loft because “I couldn’t be trusted” (bullshit btw) I had a clear view of the living room and for the loft I could see the hallway and stairs. Watch how often they pass by, what times they check in on you, all that stuff. If you can try standing where they do when they do activities (I suggest doing that while cleaning if you’re forced to basically be a maid like I was, or when they aren’t there to see you do so) and see where they can see into your room and where they can’t. The places they can’t see are the best places to hide shit and if you’re doing forbidden stuff use the blindspots.
Always ALWAYS keep an approved activity on you when you’re doing a forbidden one. Always make sure your in a spot where who can hide things quick and easy without it being noticed and always have the approved activity ready. Never get to comfortable, you’ll get caught and you will pay heavy price for it. Try to do the approved activities by themselves too, so that way you’re less likely to get caught when you’re using it as a falsehood.
NEVER have your music loud or both headphones in. Keep it low and keep your hearing clear. You want to memorize the sounds of footsteps, voices, and any other sounds that can alert you that someone was coming. My grandmother use to sneak to my bedroom door to try and catch me doing shit so she could punish me, I quickly memorized the sound of her footsteps and her voice and other things she did when she moved (coughing, sniffling, clearing throat, breathing.)
Be aware at all times. You’re not safe. Do not let yourself get comfortable and do not let yourself feel safe. You do that and you are fucked so fucked. You gotta make sure you’re looking around constantly, even when you’re not doing something you’re not supposed to do they can’t tell when you are.
Always plan a lie of excuse before you do something. Practice the wording, see what feels more believable. Practice lying about shit that isn’t even wrong for you to do: small things to start if you’re not naturally good at it or not used to lying. Try to keep some truth in your lies too, that way it’s easier to remember what you lied about and makes the lie believable.
If you see your abuser in an emotional state, or vulnerable state, manipulation is your best friend. If you can, make yourself look good, not too good where you get attention like crazy, but good enough that the next time you get in trouble they’ll be a little nicer. On top of that, keep blackmail on them or on those who can snitch on you. My older brother use to snitch on me to my mom and grandma and I would get hell for it, I started getting dirt on him and he learned to stfu real quick.
Be invisible. Be quiet, make that the norm. Being small an quiet in all senses all the time will make it almost impossible for them to catch onto the shit you’re pulling. Learn how to cry silently, scream without making a sound, and other things. It will emotionally fuck you up but you will be safe. Therapy can always come in and help later. Staying safe and surviving hell is your first priority.
If you can make all clothes you wear, sleeping clothes. If you sleep in stuff that can be acceptable I’m public, you can run out of the house faster. Keep anything that you need to survive outside the house on you or near you when you sleep; wallet, phone(back up one if you were able to get one, if not DO NOT BRING THAT WITH YOU THEY CAN TRACK YOU.), keys, anything else of importance. I use to sleep with my wallet and pocket knife I wasn’t supposed to have on me. I started sleeping in everything so it became the norm. Even now I do that, but that’s just cuz I’m used to it.
Have a small, and I mean small, book or journal with numbers of people you can trust, suicide/abuse/homeless shelters/other important numbers in it, passwords (write it in code, my version of code was writing angsty poems), and addresses you can run to if needed. Keep this journal on you at all times, when you’re awake sleeping, in the shower (hide it in your dirty clothes while you shower.), everywhere at all times.
Under the bed, under trash, and closet are the most obvious and checked places for stuff you’re not supposed to have. Hide your things in places you don’t go often and only access them when you are sure you’re in the clear or if you’re in a desperate situation.
Stealing coins is smart but those are hard to store and hard to get people to trade it for you in actual cash. I had 200 bucks stored in my school bag, half of it was in coins (mostly dimes and quarters) and the other half was paper money I got from birthdays and holidays sometimes. School bag is your best friend when it comes to hiding money, if you can see make a pocket somewhere they don’t check your bag for and store it there.
Check everything in your room before you leave it and or before you go to school. Make sure if the abuser is suspicious of you to move the most valuable, not all, of you things you don’t want them finding into a new hiding spot. If you’re leaving the house and you if you’re able to, take the things with you. They can’t find what’s not there.
Delete forbidden apps after you use them, doesn’t matter if your phone isn’t getting checked. Delete it. You can never know when it’ll happen and you can practice how fast you can do it, it’ll come in handy when it randomly happens.
If you can, and I know this sucks, blame another person. I use to blame my brothers for things I did to get out of punishment (for context, I was targeted out of us siblings. I was the scapegoat, anything goes wrong? Me. I’m to blame). Especially if they did the same shit as me. In this world, it’s free for all. Protect your siblings if you can, but if you can’t or if the punishment is something you can’t handle, you gotta do what you gotta do. If you don’t have siblings but there are other people you can blame, especially if they encourage your abuser, blame them and stay firm.
Stay in the dark often. It’ll make you sensitive ASF to the light but I’ll help you get through the house at night/in the dark.
Any chance you get alone, memorize the house. Turn the lights off shut your eyes and memorize the house. Memorize the creaks the sounds of the AC/Heater, where shit is, what makes more sound what doesn’t. Take every chance alone to improve your skills of survival and your tactics in hiding things.
If you have a water bottle that you’re allowed to take to your room, hide snacks in there. It’ll be weird but fill it up just enough to make the water sound but snacks fill the rest.
AVOID HAVING YOUR WINDOW OPEN WHEN SNEAKING AROUND. The open window makes the door make more noise and can disrupt your sense of hearing. Similarly with the fan, but that’s more noise related.
Don’t fully trust anyone. Everyone can betray you at any moment, someone can snitch, someone can accidentally let something out, anything can happen. Give the small details, but keep everything to yourself. We can all heal in therapy later.
If you get the belt to the face and the mark isn’t going away, cold water and ice. It like getting rid of a hickey.
For a bag for emergency or running away purposes you want to keep a pair of clothes, valuables, med kit, sewing kit, food, water/water container, and any form of ID. If the abuser is suspicious of it or you think it will get caught keep the items scattered across your room but relatively easy access.
Sometimes the best hiding spot is with the enemy. If you can, learn the abusers room and try to observe what they touch and don’t touch, where the go often and where they don’t. Use the knowledge to hide things in their space: things that you don’t need often or immediately that you don’t mind getting caught with or punished for. Makes room in your room to hide more valuable shit.
If your situation is bad bad, and you can’t take it anymore, and you see an opportunity to escape? Do it. DONT LOOK BACK. Don’t force yourself to suffer if you can get out. Older siblings guilt, or guilt in general can be healed with therapy and reconnection. You’re life can’t be given back once it’s taken.
To those of you who only see death as the way out, don’t do it. Fight. Don’t let those cunts win. To those of you who need to runaway, take some time to plan make sure to have money, and get the fuck out of there. To everyone who has escaped, is free, or who are safe now: I’m proud of you. I hope you’re healing now.
Good luck. Stay safe. Stay vigilant. Reblog this to save lives.